Circo

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It will come as no surprise to you that we were once again in a field.

But we were in a French field – near a little town called Marck – which just made it completely awesome.

“You look like a kid on Christmas,” Kate said from her fold out chair as she watched me lie in the French grass. “You never been here before?”

“I’ve never been anywhere before!” I grinned rolling onto my front and resting my head sideways on my crossed arms, looking over at the horizon where the sun was setting.

She just laughed and turned back to talking to Lou.

The camp and the tent had all been set up about an hour ago, so now everyone was chilling out and relaxing, because the show wasn't until the next night.

My eyebrows creased in confusion when I didn’t see the little falling apart tent in the middle of the camp.

“Hey Theo?” I said to the man sitting next to me on the grass, as I sat up. He was one of the tightrope walkers, and I’d learned his name by listening to other people use it. Turns out he was pretty popular in the camp; he was a nice guy from what I could tell, and he wasn’t bad looking either. “Is Terrance staying in someone else’s trailer?”

He frowned a little and looked around like I had before his shrugging and saying “I don’t know, mate, probably if his tent isn’t there.” Then he turned back and continued his previous conversation.

I stood from my seat on the floor and was about to make my way around all the other trailers and tents to look for him when a commotion from inside the tent distracted me.

It sounded like music, and I could hear Gerard’s distinct laughter.

Curiously, I walked into the tent and saw Gerard and Mikey up on Mikeys balcony, looking down at the laptop he usually used for the shows sound. They were standing together and laughing at the techno-beat that was playing through the computer. They started dancing, and the sight brought a small smile to my face. I could just picture the pair of them together when they were younger, before Gerard became the way he was today.

“Hey Frankie!” Mikey waved from the balcony. “Check this CD we got cheap from the town today.” He laughed, a happy childish grin on his face. I got the feeling that he preferred when Gerard was like this, when they were closer again.

I just let out a small laugh before turning to leave the tent, leaving the brothers alone, I didn’t want to intrude.

“Frankie,” Gerard called. “Tell the others, we got booze!”

I waved my hand randomly to let them know I’d heard and walked out into the campsite. Everyone was sitting around a fire, looking bored as ever, just chatting to one another, a small din of noise over the cracking of the fire.

“Er...” I started, but hesitated upon realising that I’d never addressed the camp before, and how terrified I actually was of all of them. “G-Gerard told me to...to tell you that they’ve got booze,” I pointed randomly over my shoulder. “There.” I finished lamely.

The mood of the camp lifted then like a rocket, and everyone leapt from their seats heading towards the tent where the lights had been switched on. I briefly wondered where Mr Way was, and if he’d care that everyone was using his precious circus tent to hold a party in, but Josie then approached him and said “c’mon baby, the parties in the tent are always a lot better than the ones outside.” And had then grabbed me by the crook of my arm and dragged me in behind her.

Gerard wasn’t up on the balcony any more, he was in the ring handing out unlabeled bottles to people, two or three at a time. I, myself, got three, all pushed into my arms with Gerard’s voice in my ear saying, “got this shit cheap. Haven’t the slightest clue what it is.” Then he was gone.

I looked down at the bottles and put one on the floor and one in my pocket, looking around the rest of the room. Once I’d deemed that those drinking it weren’t dropping down dead because of some poisonous substance within the glass bottle, I unscrewed the cap, and took a swig.

The taste was...different. It burned, but I almost welcomed it. I fought through it and accepted it because I wanted to feel how the rest of the camp felt. They drank all the time, and seemed to have an amazing time, always talked about what an amazing night it had been. I didn’t want to be left out in this place anymore, and hey, I may as well follow the example my mother set for me.

The music started pumping louder now, the beat pulsing and pushing, and I couldn’t help but grin as people started dancing, Josie approached me and wrapping her arm around my shoulders swaying to the beat of the music. I stared at her worriedly, and couldn’t figure out where to put my hands. In the end I just decided on her elbows, knowing that it was weird, but not knowing what else to do with them.

“We don’ get parties in the tent wi’ the lights n’ the sound system if we close to a town,” she muttered. She wasn’t drunk yet, but I could tell that – already – she was close. “S’what the bossman says anywho. Says that we could lose our audience.”

She finished her drink and threw her bottle on the ground and grumbled something about looking for another, letting go of my neck and disappearing into the main throng of people. I downed the rest of my drink, ignoring the way that it caught in my throat and made my eyes water, and opened my next bottle.

I was already feeling a little lightheaded, but that didn’t shock me since I’d never drank alcohol like this before. It felt nice, everything was a little fuzzy around the edges and I felt light and excited.

I couldn’t tell you what time it was, or how much I’d had to drink when I found myself in Theo’s arms. He had me secured around the waist, while I gripped his forearms swaying and grinding with him to the stupid techno-techno beat, his warm breath on my earlobe.

I opened my eyes, not knowing when I’d closed them in the first place, and loved the light-headed feeling that came from the blurred together colours caused by the lights and the moving bodies. When my eyes refocused though, I could see Gerard standing across the room, drinking steadily with his eyes focused on me.

With a sharp quirk of the lips I smirked over Theo’s shoulder and closed my eyes again. Drowsy, I leant my head in the crook of Theo’s neck and just let him lead my body. I didn't think I was capable of anything else

There was a slight commotion where I felt momentarily like a rag-doll, and the next time I opened my eyes, I realised it was no longer Theo’s hips bumping into mine, his hands at my waist, but instead, Gerard’s.

“Someone’s been drinking.” He smirked.

I made a humming noise, and then let out a drunken laugh. “More fun than I’d thought.”

He just laughed at me and slid his hands from my hips, to the small of my back, to further south. Normally, I would have strongly objected, probably shrieked like a little girl and slapped him in the face...like a little girl. But I wasn’t in my right mind, I wasn’t my normal self, so I just pressed my hips closer to his with a sharp jolt, moving my hands from his arms and to his neck and face just feeling, because I was drunk, so it couldn’t be considered weird.

His face pushed into the crook of my neck, my hands moving to the back of his head and neck in turn. He didn’t do anything except breath. I didn’t know if he was breathing deeply on purpose of if he really was that out of breath, but the heat of it made my neck moist, the hairs on my arms stand upright and an embarrassing and desperate sound leave my throat.

It happened before I could stop it, and even in my drunken state I was embarrassed by it, but when no-one burst out laughing and called me weird and stupid, I wasn’t ashamed when it happened again.

“You’re beautiful like this, Frankie,” Gerard murmured into my ear, his voice soft enough to make the hairs on the back of my neck copy those on my arms. He pulled his face away and just stared at me for a moment before concluding, “Really fuckin’ beautiful.”

“I feel beautiful.” I slurred, staring into his eyes. I couldn’t tell what colour they were, what with all the coloured lights flashing in them; blue to green to red to orange to purple to aqua and back again.

And that image of his soft rainbow eyes was the last thing that really made any sense to me that night.