Circo

The lights are on and the music is loud.

The audience look delighted as Kate bends her body into shapes unimaginable, and they laugh as Toby takes a pie to the face.

“The fuck is that?” Gerard asked, pointing at my neck, as he approached me with his harness. It had kind of become another of my unofficial jobs.

“A tattoo.” I blushed, bringing my fingers up to lightly stroke the gauze. I was so unbelievably happy with it.

“No shit. How much did you pay for that?”

“Nothing.”

“That means you fucked the artist.” Gerard grinned turning his back on me and slipping the harness over his front.

“Not everyone is like you.” I snapped without really thinking much about it.

It didn’t shock me when he didn’t retaliate. It’s like he thrived off of insults, like he knew he’d made someone snap.

Just as I’d done the last buckle at the small of his back I felt a familiar buzzing in my pocket. Eagerly, my hand flew to my pocket where I pulled out my mobile, staring at the screen in awe.

Mum, it read.

My hands shook, could I answer the phone, really? What would I say? What was she going to say?

All of these questions ran wildly through my mind as I flipped the phone up, staring at Gerard as I did so.

“Hello?” I muttered shakily.

“Frank! Where the fuck have you been?!” She shrieked, her tinny voice already scratching into my brain like a tumour. I choked quickly, I couldn’t respond. “I got a call from your school yesterday to tell me that you haven’t been going!”

Yesterday.

She’d only realised yesterday.

“I haven’t gone to school in almost two months, mum.” I said slowly.

“Two months?!” She cried. “What the fuck have you been doing? Fuck it, I’m not talking about this on the phone. Come home now.” She demanded.

I froze. She was totally clueless.

“Gerard,” someone said from behind me, and I watched as Gerards eyes left me to look over my left shoulder. “You’re on.”

For a moment, when he looked back at me, I swore I saw emotion. Something that actually looked as though he cared about me, like he knew I was hurting and he wanted to do something about it. He just didn't know what.

I heard Mr Ways voice boom from the ring, announcing the arrival of ‘The Star’ and it was all of a sudden like all this time, the whole crushing weight of the last two months was crashing down onto me, like some tripped out thrill ride into the past.

“Frank? Where the fuck are you?”

“Gerard, I said you’re on.”

“Frankie...”

It was a blur of noise, music and clapping and the voices of the people around me. And then Gerard turned and left.

I watched his hips sway as he walked delicately into the ring, and I heard the crowd go silent. Mr Way bustled out of the ring, pushing past me and went out to the camp to tell everyone to get ready for the finale.

Then it was just me and the phone, my mother’s tinny demanding voice.

“Frank! Why aren’t you responding? Where—”

“I left.” I cut in.

“Left?”

“I left over two months ago; mum...I left a note. Didn’t you see it?” Don’t cry Frank, don’t you dare cry.

“A note...where?”

“I don’t remember. In my room?”

“Frank, you know I don’t go in your room.”

“Not even when you realise I’m gone. Fuck it. You didn’t even notice. Where’s Dad?”

“He left,” she said lightly. “Said he couldn’t handle my drinking.”

“When?”

“Three weeks ago.”

Even my father hadn’t noticed I was gone. He hadn’t thought to invite me along to leave, he’d just left. Didn’t ask for dear little Frankie.

“Where are you, Frankie?” My mother said softly. “When are you coming home?”

“I...I’m not.” I sighed.

“Frankie, you have to.”

“You didn’t notice.” I gritted my teeth and snarled. “I’m your son, and you didn’t notice that I wasn’t there.”

My mum was speechless, she knew I was right, I could tell.

“I just want to know your safe...”

“I am.” I said, and hung up. Turning off my phone was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

For so long I’d wanted to hear from my mother, I’d wanted her to call, and I’d wanted her to want me to come home. And that’s exactly what she did. Only...it wasn’t right. She hadn’t noticed I was gone, she hadn’t even gone into my room to maybe stroke my hair and wish me a good night like she used to do when I was a child. She never used to know I was awake though, that was the best bit.

I sat on one of the chairs placed in front of a cheap vanity table and stared through the gap in the make-shift doors at Gerard, watching his body twist and turn.

It was no wonder that he made so much money on his second ‘job’. The way he could move was nothing short of a miracle.

And then it was over. He was freefalling from the silk, an act that no longer fazed me, but always had the audience shrieking, and yelling.

He sauntered slowly from the ring, his composure falling as soon as he made it into the impromptu dressing room. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what.

I think just seeing that Gerard almost cared was enough.

Without thinking, I rose up from the chair, and threw my arms around his neck, burying my face in the space between his shoulder and his neck. I didn’t cry, but my eyes were welling up. I felt Gerards hands move up around my back, one stayed rested on the small of my back while the other slowly rubbed up and down my spine in an attempt to sooth me.

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t working.

When I let out a sniffle, his shoulders tightened as he pulled me closer to him, his voice in my ear muttering “Hey, its okay, tell me what happened, it’s okay, I promise you.”

And I really wasn’t used to this side of Gerard, but damned if I was going to miss out on the opportunity.

Just as I pulled away from our embrace and was about to open up to him about what’d gone down, and how I felt, one of the men who worked on the door came into the dressing room.

“Frank? There’s a man called Laurence outside, says he knows you?”

My ears perked up at this. He’d actually come?

I smiled lightly and nodded a thank you, wiping at the corners of my eyes.

“Laurence?” Gerard questioned, frowning.

“Gerard, time for the finale, get out here.” The runner said pointing his thumb at the door as the rest of the performers began to file in.

Gerard looked hesitant again, but this time he didn’t look sympathetic, he looked possessive.

Still, he turned on his heel and walked out into the ring, putting on the charm a whole lot more. He had to attract someone.

Shaking my head, I made it outside to the campsite, pushing at one of the breaks in the separate fences so it made a gap big enough for me to get out. I didn’t want to walk around the outside of the ring during the finale because I knew Mr Way would have a fit. Even if I didn’t distract one person in the process.

“Hey,” I said when I saw Laurence waiting patiently at the door. “I came around the back.” I pointed when he jumped at my voice.

“Oh, that’s okay.” He smiled, approaching me. “Some show, huh?” And that French accent still got me weak at the knees everytime.

“Yeah, I remember the first time I saw it. Blew my fuckin’ mind. Especially Gerard.”

“Gerard?”

“Oh, he did the silk stuff.”

Laurence nodded in understanding, and there was a brief silence where all that could be heard was the Circus music and the audience clapping. When I heard Mr Way announcing that the show was over, I became quickly aware that people were going to start swarming out of the doors we were currently standing in front of.

“Oh hey, do you want to come back with me?” I said pointing at the camp.

“That sounds like a line.” He laughed, as we started walking towards the break in the fence.

“Hah. It would be if I didn’t share a trailer with a forty-five year old woman.” I laughed, biting my tongue because, really, that was the dorkiest thing I could have said.

He laughed a little uncertainly as well, looking almost awkward as he looked around the camp. “Well, this is...”

“A dump? Yeah, kinda, but I’m beginning to love it.”

“How long have you been here?”

“A couple of months. Not long. Takes some getting used to, I tell you that.”

Laurence laughed, and got this weird look on his face, like I’ve only ever seen those love-sick teens use in the movies, and then my personal space was all full of him and I wasn’t smiling anymore because he mouth was on mine, and it was nice, but it wasn't perfect. Regardless, I still kind of liked it a lot. I think I needed it a lot too.

When he pulled away, his hand was still cupping my neck (on the side without a tattoo, of course), only shifting to my forearm when I bit my lip to avoid the goofy grin and looked down at the floor.

“Do you wanna try that line on me again?” He asked lightly. “I don’t care about the forty-five year old woman.”

And yeah, I really couldn’t say no to that.