Circo

The Paris show had been a success.

People were up on their feet, clapping and cheering as the performers walked one after the other around the ring, stopping in a certain way to take their bows.

I must admit, for a show that was normally pretty spectacular, they’d really excelled themselves tonight, and I couldn’t help but find myself clapping as well.

Gerard sauntered into the dressing room eyeing me up as he went, but not saying anything. He hadn’t since Marck, since I’d met Laurence.

Laurence was a whole other matter of his own. I felt guilty, kind of like I’d used him or something. I didn’t really care for him all that much. I didn’t know him well enough to care about him in that way. More than anything, I just needed a distraction, and he just happened to be there at the same time.

When all of the audience was gone, and all of the performers had left the dressing room, I decided I may as well get cleaning over and done with.

I stepped outside, pulling my jacket tighter around me as I did. I scanned the camp but failed to see that frail little old man waddling around the camp.

“Where’s Terrance?” I asked Mikey with a frown.

Mikey just pressed his mouth into a straight line. “He left.” He muttered quietly.

“Left?”

“Yeah, left.” And then he sniffed and walked away.

“So...”

Apparently I was going to be working alone from now on.

* * *

A bin-bag in one hand, and a ‘litter-picker’ in the other, I wondered around and around the tent, picking up endless popcorn boxes and drink cups. Just when I thought I’d finished, I’d see a pile of rubbish on the other side of the tent or something equally as annoying. It was never-ending, and I couldn’t remember it being this shocking when Terrance was around.

“He didn’t leave you know.”

I turned sharply and saw Gerard sitting on the edge of the ring watching me closely.

“What do you mean?”

“Terrance. He didn’t leave. He was left.”

“Left? Left where?”

“Washington.” He muttered lighting up a cigarette.

“Why?!”

“He was old.” I just stared at him blankly. “You remember that time I hurt my wrist; I was really worried about it in case I couldn’t do my act?” I nodded. “Terrance was old. Counterproductive; slow. Dad looks at the Circo like a machine. As soon as one of the cogs stops meshing, game over.”

And fuck, really? “Where’d he go?” He barely had a home when he was here.

Gerard just shrugged. “He’ll find somewhere.” There was a pause. “So, what was all that stuff with the phone the other night?”

“My mum called.”

“No shit. Saying what?”

“Asking where I was...She only noticed like, the day before.” I chocked.

“I stand by what I said when you got here. A face like yours is sure to be missed.” He muttered moving closer and putting his hand on my face. “She obviously doesn’t care about you.”

“Thanks.” I scoffed. “That makes me feel so much better.”

He smiled a little as well, his face getting a little closer to mine. “Hey, it doesn’t mean that no-body cares.”

And I won’t lie. My heart didn’t just flutter, it fell out of my chest and flew around the tent. “Yeah?” I asked, biting at my lip.

He just hummed and pushed forward, the hand cupping my cheek moving to my neck as he pulled me forward and pushed our lips together.

For a split second I froze, my eyes open and staring at Gerard’s too close face, but when the reality sank in I let out a quick sigh through my nose and let my eyes flutter closed, one of my hands moving to cup Gerard’s hand on my neck, and the other twitching at my side, unsure of where I should put it.

At first it was fantastic. There were fireworks and everything I’d ever wanted when I looked at him. Every thing that I didn’t feel the first time; everything that I didn’t feel with Laurence. But then, as it deepened, became more open mouthed, I tasted it.

Alcohol.

Of course he was wasted. What else were they going to be doing out there aside from drinking?

I pulled away quickly, ignoring the soft mewing noise he made as I did so. His lips were moist, slightly parted, and I could feel his breath on my own lips.

“I’ve got to work,” I muttered lamely. “I’ve got the finish.” I wasn’t about to become another notch on Gerard’s bedpost.

“Yeah, sure, I get it.” He said with a smile. “You’ll come see me later though right?”

“Maybe.” I lied with a smile.

I watched him leave the tent, my eyes watching the sway of his hips, and once I knew he was back in his trailer I went and did what most teenagers did in this situation.

I went to my mum for advice.