Watermelon Smiles

Oh, wow. I'm so sorry. The days keep getting further and further apart, don't they? I swear, it's not you. It's just my mind. It's so jumbled right now, so confused, I don't know what I want. I think both the angel and devil have abandoned me, leaving me to think for myself. I wish they hadn't, it was so much easier letting them do the thinking for me.

But, anyways, one of the reasons I haven't told you about the past four days is the fact that Brendon and I decided to take the first plane out of L.A. to...just...well, where ever the first plane was out to. Which, just so happened to be Tulsa Oklahoma.

So, we went down there for a day or so, just goofing off and trying to escape the limelight, Jon and Spin thought we were crazier then before, still do too. It was fun though, just being able to relax some. There were almost no fan girls out there, so we didn't even need, like, any body guards. We just got to be ourselves, the part of us we haven't seen in so long. The part where we just let go and run with the speed of life. Beautiful.

But, it all changed when we came back from that day or two. The angel came back, his counter-part was missing. And, all of the sudden, I wanted to be in Chicago so bad, that I actually cried over it. I cried myself to sleep, for one night, one night only. The next morning, I texted the boys saying where I was headed. Spencer told me to not "do anything stupid". I have no clue what he meant by that. It's not like I'm going to kill myself. But, I can't help but to feel that somethings coming. Weather it be for good, or bad, I have no clue.

When I showed up at Pete's door-step, he was surprised...in a good way though. Before I could even say why I was there, before he ever asked me to, he caught me by my mouth. In fact, it's been three days, and he still hasn't asked me why I came, he just accepted that I did. And, I think I might actually be....falling in love with him.

So, right now, I'm in his bed, writing this in almost complete darkness, next to a deeply sleeping and drooling Pete, who is barely covered up under a black sheet. He's so cute...and lightly snoring. His hair is an intangible mess and he's going to have the hang over of his life in the morning.

I have to admit to you, journal, I'm not entirely close to sober myself and....

I think I'm falling in love with him. Did I say that, who cares? I am in love with the idea it's self, but, at the same time, I don't want to be. I mean, what about Brendon? Do I just up and tell him, "It's gone, I love Pete now."? But, I'm not...out of love...? I guess that's what you'd call it...with Brendon. He still hold my heart close to his, but...I don't know.

How could I do that to Bear? I just...I can't even think about it...especially in the state of mind I'm in now. And, for that matter, why am I not sleeping? I wonder if Pete has some of that crap he tried to OD on a while back ago...no, I shouldn't. But, I think I might, even though there is a clear warning to "Not take with alcohol" on the front label. No, I'm not going to. Who knows what would happen? I gotta try and stick to Spin's warning.

Where's that stupid Devil when you need him?