Blow Me Away

“Okay I think that what you want for Shia is for the best. I support what you wanna do but I don’t think that giving her to your mom and dad is the best thing to do. I think we should give her up for adoption” Josh told me, looking at the floor. I nodded, stubbornly wiping away the tears pouring down my face. He sighed and kissed the top of my head, “I also think that us being together isn’t really working. I’m too young and I’m not ready for all this. I just want to play music”
I nodded, refusing to be any more upset that I already was.
“I guess we better talk to everyone” he mumbled, standing up. I nodded and he walked into the living room. I wiped away the tears and walked in after him.
“Umm we need to talk to everyone” Josh said loudly, making everyone stop talking and look around. Shia was still with Hayley. I couldn’t even look at her. Both of them
“We have decided to separate and… we’ve decided together that Shia deserves a home where she has both parents. We’re…we-re giving her up for adoption”
Mom stood up and said, “No you can’t”
Hayley looked at me then looked down at Shia.
“Mom please” I whispered, “This is for the best”
“No, Natalia it’s not. Shia deserves her natural parents. Not some people who don’t even know her”
“They will come to know her. They will be here parents” Josh put in. She shot a look at him and he sobered up at once. Dad hadn’t even look at me. I knew he was disappointed. I couldn’t take all the people looking at me. I ran upstairs and shut the door, breaking down in tears. I’m giving away my daughter to a bunch of strangers. What the hell am I thinking? I really don’t want to give her away but she needs someone who can take care of her. Who can give her the attention she needs and the guarantee that both her parents are going to be there. There was a knock at the door and Josh walked in. He sat with me, “It’ll be okay. She’ll be okay”
“I know I just don’t wanna let her go”
“I know. I don’t either but it’s for the best” he said quietly, wiping tears from my face. I nodded, “I know”
I sniffled and said, “I guess we need to give her to someone”
“Yeah” he said. I took in a deep breath, “I know of a nearby orphanage”
Josh looked up, sad, “I’ll call them”
I nodded and we both got up. He walked into the next room and I walked in Shia’s. I sat down and grabbed her out of her cot. She looked up and me and giggled, grabbing at my fingers. I felt the tears run down my face again. She smiled and I bounced her up and down on my knee. Josh walked in and said sadly, “They’ll take her in tomorrow”
I nodded and put her on the floor. She rolled onto her stomach and played with the toy bear she had. I grabbed some of her clothes and packed them into a bag. I stubbornly wiped away the tears and shoved more clothes into the bag. I grabbed one of her personally named pacifiers and put it on the nightstand. I looked over and Josh was packing clothes as well. I looked at his face and saw the sparkling tears run down his face. I looked away and sniffed, “I’m sorry Josh”
“Don’t be” he sounded weak. I closed my eyes momentarily and sighed. This is breaking my heart. Josh got up, “You need some sleep. Come on”
He put Shia in her crib and helped me up. I looked back at her as Josh closed the door. I sighed and layed down in my bed. Josh layed next to me, “I know we broke up and all but you know, I still love you”
“Yeah. I love you too” I sighed, climbing under the covers. He poked his head over and kissed me, “I’ll see you tomorrow”
“Okay” I said, closing my eyes and falling asleep.

“Hey Shia, come on baby. We gotta go out” I cooed, wiping away yet another flow of tears. She started mumbling as I picked her up. I carried her down to the car and strapped her in. Josh got in and I drove to the orphanage.
“Hello, my name is Julia Monroe. I am the owner of the Illinois Orphanage”
“Hi, I’m Nat. This is Josh” I said, motioning to Josh”
He smiled and she nodded, “May I ask why you are giving your daughter up?”
“Personal reasons” Josh looked at her. I nodded and she looked at us, taking Shia. This was it. She was taking my baby away. Why was I even doing this? This is wrong and I know it.
“Would you like to come in and sign the paper work?” she asked. We nodded and walked in after her. She took Shia’s bags and gave them to a young looking girl. She then took them off into the room somewhere. Julia still had Shia.
“Umm may I?” I asked, putting my arms out for Shia. She gave me my daughter and I played with her fingers. I kissed the top of her head and wiped away more tears. I’m so sick of crying. I gave her to Josh and he kissed her, whispering softly in her ear. He gave her back to Julia and she nodded, getting up, “All you need to do is sign these papers”
We nodded and she took Shia out of the room. We signed the papers and she came back in, “Right. That’s great. Shia is now legally up for adoption. You may leave now”
I nodded and got up, walking out. I am so angry with myself right now. I cant believe I just did that. I got in the car and we drove home in silence. Mom ran out the house when we pulled up.
“I CANT BELIVE YOU DID THAT NATALIA. YOU SELFISH, SELFISH GIRL” She screamed. I nodded, keeping my head down low as I walked in. Hayley was in the living room with Pete. They both looked at me, disappointment filling their faces. I looked down again and just walked to my room. I sat on my bed and didn’t move at all.

“Come on Nat, you need to get up” I heard Mom say. The guys and Hayley left for tour 3 days ago. I missed hearing Shia cry, or laugh. I never felt more alone.
“No!” I yelled. I heard her sigh and walk away. I opened the draw beside my bed and grabbed the bag and needle. I closed my eyes and choked back tears. I filled the needle and injected into my arm. I pressed down the plunger and I felt the liquid go into my body. I smiled. This will end the pain I’m in.