Worry Rock

Silence was louder than anything I had ever heard.

The silence that had taken over the kitchen was terrible. It was long, sickening and absolutely terrifying. “Billie,” I whispered softly. “Billie, are you alright? Are…you going to say anything?”

“I don’t know what to say other right now other than,” he paused, his dark eyes flickering onto my face, “why?”

“I have good reasoning,” I blurted out immediately, “Really, I do--,”

“Like what?” He snapped.

When I didn’t speak right away, Billie Joe stumbled over to the island and collapsed onto a stool. I looked down at my hands. “I didn’t think we were ready to have a baby.”

Billie Joe cried out in anger and slammed his fist down onto the island. “Are you kidding me?! That’s the best you can do!? What the fuck do you call Sydney, Joe? An animal?”

I shook my head. “That’s not what I meant. I mean that, I don’t think that we’re ready for a second baby. Right now, that is.”

Billie Joe was silent. “And here I thought I was the one that was making you so upset.” He laughed humorlessly. “It was you the whole time.”

There was another silence in the kitchen. Billie Joe shook his head. “I don’t know what to say, Joe.”

“Say something, please.”

“I’m so confused,” he admitted into his hands. “Why?” He asked slowly.

“I just didn’t think it was the right--,”

“I got that,” he snapped, “I got that the first ten times, Joe, thanks. Why wasn’t this the right time?”

I looked down at my hands. “I went back on birth control back in May. My birthday –after my birthday I just didn’t think we were ready. After knowing that you were drinking and weren’t telling me the truth--,”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Billie Joe cried out suddenly. “You decided we weren’t fit for another child after I lied to you all that time ago? I thought we were over that!” He snarled. “What? You didn’t trust me?! Oh, you’re one to talk! What the fuck do you call this!? I made a mistake, Joe. What the fuck do you call this?”

“A mistake,” I whispered. “I meant to tell you.”

Billie Joe laughed loudly. “When?” He stopped for a moment and then snorted. “You were counting on the doctor to tell me? Is that your way of making a cowardly escape?”

I shook my head, a few tears starting down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”

My husband scowled loudly. “No!” He snapped. “That’s not going to fucking get you out of this. What? You think just saying that you’re sorry everything will just get better?! You’ve been fucking lying to me! You’ve been letting me think that you crying just about every god damn day was because of me! You never made an attempt to even fucking stop it or tell me anything--,”

“Yes I did,” I interrupted, “but I wasn’t strong enough.”

“So you let your whole family worry endlessly about you instead?! Oh sure, Joe’s not strong enough so let’s fucking depress the whole god damn family! Who gives a damn if everyone else is affected and hurt by this! Joe’s not strong enough to fucking let anyone know why she’s been such a selfish, lying bitch!”

Out of anger Billie Joe slammed his fist down on the marble counter, causing me to jump. “Please, stop,” I begged.

“You lied to me!” He cried out. “No, no! Not only did you lie to me, but no, you fucking went behind my back and took birth control! And then, then you got yourself all fucking depressed, making me sick from fucking worrying about you and then blamed me for it because I made a mistake earlier this year! How dare you!”

Billie Joe’s expression twisted from anger to hurt in a split second. His eyes narrowed. “If—if you didn’t want to have another baby with me,” he hesitated, the thought obviously hurting his feelings, “you should have just told me. I mean—I thought you did. You were the one that brought the subject up.”

“I do want a baby with you--,”

“Well then taking a birth control pill isn’t going to hurry it up!” Billie Joe cried out. “I don’t know what hurts more,” he admitted, “the fact that you lied to me or that I’m the only one that wants this baby.”

“It was never meant to hurt you, Billie,” I murmured.

Billie Joe scowled loudly. “Well what the fuck was it supposed to do? Help me. Yeah, thanks for the help, Joe, but I think I’m fine on my fucking own.” I bowed my head in shame, not knowing what else to say to my steaming husband. “What?” He snapped. “You’ve run out of excuses to tell me? That’s all? No more I never meant this, Billie shit?”

“I don’t know what else to say. You won’t let me explain anything I do say.”

“Fine,” Billie Joe snarled. “Go ahead. Tell me why we’re not ready for another baby. Go and tell me that despite the fact that we’ve raised Sydney to be a great kid, go and tell me why we’re not ready. I’d love to hear this.”

I hesitated, my head still bowed as I stared at my fuzzy striped socks. “You…you were drinking a lot, and it was around the time of my birthday when you had been drinking behind my back.” I sobbed lightly, though my eyes were dry. “I just thought that it wasn’t the right time to get pregnant, when I—when I couldn’t trust you.”

A large growl made its way from Billie Joe’s lips. “You hypocrite,” he spat. “So for me lying, in which I had never meant to do--,”

“I didn’t mean to, either, Billie!” I cried out desperately.

“You shoved a god damn pill down your throat!” He yelled back. “Don’t even try that bullshit!”

He had made up his mind that I was wrong and refused to listen to me anymore. Billie Joe had had a terrible habit of doing that. He would make up his mind and then would shut out anything else said.

Though I must admit, I did deserve it.

“Billie,” I begged softly, “please, listen to me.”

Billie Joe placed his head in the palm of his hands and shook it slowly. He murmured something that I couldn’t hear and I almost asked him what he had said, but then it occurred to me that he probably didn’t want me to hear it. He had probably muttered something rude and heartless that would have hurt my feelings had I heard it. He also had a terrible habit of doing that.

“Billie,” I tried once again.

Billie Joe scowled loudly and pushed his hands to his temples. “Stop it. Stop talking t o me. What fucking else can you say to me at this point?”

A long and terribly uncomfortable silence ripped through the kitchen, Billie Joe continuing to rub his temples while I searched my mind for something to say. “I love you,” was the only thing my mind could spit out after a few minutes.

Billie Joe chuckled. “Is that supposed to solve everything? The fact that you’re telling me that you love me?” Silence. “Do you remember, a long time ago when I told you I loved you after making a mistake?” More silence. Billie Joe sighed and dragged his hand down over his face. “You told me that it’s not fucking words that let you know how much you love someone. It’s your actions. Actions speak louder than words, Joe.”

"You know I love you," he whispered

I sighed and rolled onto my back to look at him.

"Of course," I whispered, "And I love you, too. But--you know... the other night when we did fight, and I met that girl, Emmy, she told me that it's not those three words that count--they help, but it's the way you act." I said slowly

"So... What are you saying?" Billie Joe asked, looking at me sadly, "I don't act like I love you?"

“But if you just listen--,”

“No!” Billie Joe cried out. “I don’t want to fucking listen! Haven’t you gotten that yet, damnit? I don’t want to hear your pathetic excuses! I don’t even want to fucking look at you, Joe.”

With that said, Billie Joe squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his fingers against his temple. I hadn’t realized it before, but as the silence settled over the kitchen I felt the tears trickle down my cheeks and drip onto the floor. My husband opened his eyes and looked over to me, his eyes settling on the droplets of water falling from mine.

And for the first time he didn’t care.

He didn’t care because he felt as if his own wife had literally stabbed him in the back. Or well, by the way he was feeling it was more like the heart. Usually at the first sight of his wife crying all would be forgotten and he would do anything he could to make it better. However, due to the fact that he was ready to cry himself, he found that he really didn’t give a shit about her tears. Instead, the only thought that ran through his mind for a moment had been ‘fuck it, let her cry.’

Billie Joe stood up from the stool he had been sitting on abruptly and moved to the fridge. He threw open the door, pulled out a few beers and slammed it close a moment before he walked out of the kitchen.

I sank onto a stool, placing my head in my hands as I began to sob. This is what I had been terribly afraid of.

My body jumped as I heard the door to the studio slam shut, the sound of his steps echoing after. I had tried to tell myself that things would get better within only a number of days, but how could they get better when my husband refused to listen to a word I had to say to him? When he refused to let me explain.

Then again, what could I really say to him that would make him forgive me? This wasn’t something that we could discuss, have sex and forget about. Billie Joe would never allow it. I had hurt him.

I looked down at my flat stomach, running a finger over it idly. For the first time, it felt completely empty.