You See Those Beautiful Eyes? They're Mine.

Bill’s POV

‘’Tasha’s gone missing,’’ Gordon’s words rang through my ears repeatedly as the world seemed to spin and falter for a moment.

Missing? As in, not there?

‘’We need to get everyone together looking for her,’’ I heard myself command, my voice seemingly not coming from me, ‘’oh, and someone should tell Danni…’’

If the room wasn’t deadly silent before then it became so after those unthought-of final words which had slipped out so easily. The pain and tension was tangible in the room and a pin could have easily been heard hitting the carpet.

I froze, next words stilled in my throat as I thought over what I had just said so easily. Looking over to the doorway I found Tom staring blankly ahead, blinking back tears. I hadn’t thought… I never thought.

‘’Tomi,’’ I cooed, uncurling from the bed and making my way towards him, ‘’I’m sorry, it was-‘’

‘’No,’’ came a weak and tired version of my twins voice, ‘’it’s okay, it’s a natural reaction.’’

‘’Sorry,’’ I mumbled again, panic thrumming through my veins and making me lightheaded.

‘’Don’t worry, Bill- let’s just find Tasha,’’ my twin told me, ever selfless towards prioritizing my needs over his own.

And the awkward hump in the road was navigated and the bitter taste of panic overwhelmed me once more.

‘’ We need to call David- tell him to get the crew and the bodyguards together and then we need to call the police and get a search party out looking for her. And we need to get in touch with Kelly and Thoma and ask them if they have any idea what might have happened to her, and someone should call Bex and let her know what’s happening and to get herself here…’’ Tom took control of the situation as I could only watch weakly.

‘’No, Tom, don’t bring out the big guns and startle her- not yet. Let me look for her, if I don’t find her then we can inform David and the bodyguards,’’ Gordon offered, shoulders squared in his resolution.

Tom nodded in my place, I was too weak to do so, and with that Gordon left the room and the house in search of yet another missing piece to our puzzle.

-x-

Three days had passed and still no Tasha.

Gordon didn’t find her the day he went looking for her and I could feel my heart sink to the floor as he climbed out of his car after parking in the driveway hours later and entered the house without her. ‘’I’m sorry,’’ he had said with a shake of his head but I couldn’t find it within myself to hate him. It wasn’t his fault. He’d tried.

So now the police were involved and Tasha was top priority with the police department recently. They had no leads up until now but they assured us that they wouldn’t rest until they found out what had happened. Not found her but what had happened. There was no guarantee that they would find her alive, the officer had grimly warned us of that and it had stabbed yet another dagger through my already wounded heart. I’d lost my sons and one of my dear friends and now there’s the chance I may lose my girlfriend as well.

The three days were some of the tensest of my life. I barely functioned properly- only sat upon the sofa beside the phone in the living room and straightened bolt upright every time it rang. The first time it was David to offer his condolences and that he was doing all he could to find her for me. The second and third times had been Georg and Gustav who had heard the news through David and decided to see what they could do. They had both offered to come up here to help search for her but I’d very sternly told them to stay were they were in case Tasha decided to turn up at one of their houses for some reason or another.

However, the fourth time the phone rang was what really drove me crazy. It was a telemarketer trying to sell me shit I didn’t want, need nor care about and she wouldn’t get off the damn line in case the police tried to ring with any information. I don’t remember much of what I said until I felt Tom prise the phone off me, give a quick apology to the innocent girl just doing her job before he hung up and phone and held me close as I cried again.

I didn’t think I could cry much more- my eyes were red and puffy and sore and my throat ached. I didn’t look a thing like Bill from Tokio Hotel- I was a wreck, which was as best as I could look all things considered.

Mom took the brunt of the workload those few days, with a lot of help from Gordon, and she single-handedly planned my son’s funeral since the police and hospital had finally released their bodies to be able to be buried, as they had also done with Danni’s. We’d talked about a joint funeral but decided they each deserved their own.

But what really hurt was that I didn’t think Tasha would return in time for our children’s funeral. No parent should have to bury a child but no parent should ever miss their child’s funeral if they could help it.

I’d sent her countless unanswered texts, ones telling her the funeral details and some telling her that I loved her and at my most desperate I pleaded with her to come home or at least let me know where she was and if she was doing alright.

No new messages.

That was the constant reminder from my phone. She didn’t reply and the police hadn’t found her or a lead and the boys funeral had sprung upon us.

The morning was a sombre, gloomy one with thick overcast skies as if the day itself knew that we were mourning. I could barely do my own buttons up on my shirt as my hands shook in the effort to keep my tears unshed.

‘’Here,’’ Tom’s soft voice came from in front of me and I let my gaze lift from the buttons on my shirt and to my twin brother who stood before me in a black, fitted suit with a crisp white shirt. This was only the third time I had seen Tom in a suit- once at our granddad’s funeral when we were ten and once more when mom and Gordon got married.

His familiar and reassuring hands brushed mine aside from where they were uselessly fumbling with the fiddly buttons and he swiftly did them up for me before he brushed my astray hair behind my ears and sighed.

‘’Oh, Bill, I wish I could take this all away,’’ he whispered, and I knew he meant it.

Instead of replying I just pushed my forehead into his and held it there- it was our way or reassuring one another; breaths mingling and faces close, that we were there for each other, a comforting quirk we had carried on since being young.

‘’I wish she was here, Tomi,’’ I croaked, crying so much had drained my voice.

‘’I know, but she just needs time to deal with things in her own way,’’ Tom reassured, hugging me tightly before mom’s voice drifted up the stairs.

‘’The cars are here, and so are the security,’’ her soft, melancholy voice met my ears and I ducked my head. I didn’t want to have to face the onslaught I knew was coming. The media circus surrounding my son’s funeral would be disrespectful in the worst way despite the sheer number of police officers and security guards David had employed to keep the event as private as possible. The fans, who we had thought to turn up in masses, had for the most part regarded our wishes and sent their condolences and support to us via fan mail and emails and so forth. It was almost comforting to know that during this time they respected us enough to grant our wishes. The paparazzi were another kettle of fish altogether…

I situated myself in the back of a familiar black van with Gordon, who was also wearing a suit, Tom and my mom who wore a simple black dress and jacket.

‘’Oh honey,’’ she sighed, leaning over to me and wiping a stray tear from my cheek with her thumb, ‘’I don’t even know what to say,’’ she forced out through a wobbly voice and I just knew she was hurting almost as badly as I was.

‘’Georg, Gustav, Andreas, David and the rest of the crew are going to meet us there and Kelly, Bex and Thoma are in the other van,’’ Gordon voiced, noticing my glances around at the fleet of cars and confusion over the whereabouts of the rest of our usual entourage who wished to mourn the losses with us.

The ride to the private cemetery was quiet, no-one dare speak and I did nothing except focus on the reassuring grip Tom kept on my hand all the way there.

All too soon did we pull up to the green space littered with gravestones where my sons would rest. The heavens had opened and rain was sheeting down thickly and so we were handed large black golf umbrellas upon leaving the van.

I took a glance around at where we were- the children’s area of the cemetery. It was abundant with angel and heart shaped gravestones all embellished with floral arrangements and soft toys that grief stricken parents had obviously so lovingly placed.

But beyond that in the heavy rain was an easily recognizable figure.

Tom startled as I untangled our hands quickly and made a bolt over to the person stood beside the pre-dug grave my sons would be soon laid to rest into.

‘’Tasha,’’ I yelled, voice barely carrying over the rain, but she must have heard me as her head snapped up and her red-eyed gaze met my own.

As soon as I got to her my arms seized her tightly, as if to prove she was real, and I held her to me, relishing the feeling of having her close which I had feared I may never have again.

‘’Where… what…. Where did you go?’’ I asked, voice faltering and stumbling all over the place.

‘’I-I’m sorry,’’ she whispered, voice cracking and so obviously crying despite the rain pelting down on our faces hiding that fact.

‘’I’m just so glad you’re here and you’re safe, baby,’’ I choked, putting her at arms length and inspecting her for any injuries. She looked just as she had the last time I had seen her except she was wearing a flimsy black dress which was soaked through in the rain and her body was shaking. And upon the crook of her left elbow I noticed some new ink; the letters T and B in a two halves of a heart friendship necklace shape which was obviously for our two lost sons.

‘’Come here,’’ I muttered, unbuttoning my blazer and wrapping it around us both as best as I could.

‘’Tasha?’’ Tom’s voice came from behind me and suddenly the rain stopped as Tom’s umbrella covered where we stood.

‘’Hi Tomi,’’ she mumbled weakly.

‘’Where… where have you been?’’ he asked, as worried as I had sounded.

‘’Doesn’t matter for now- she’s here,’’ I sighed, pulling away from her and linking our fingers- tugging her towards where the rest of our group was seated and the priest waited beside a tiny white coffin containing our children.

I felt the slightest bit lighter knowing that today would at least be a slight bit easier with Tasha back beside me, knowing exactly what I was feeling, and knowing that she was safe and I hadn’t lost her forever. Where she had been could wait until later, all that mattered now was mourning our losses and saying proper goodbyes.