I'm Dying Not to Hurt You
I'm Dying Not to Hurt You
New Years Eve.
I used to really not care much for any cause of celebration. When I was a kid I spent most New Years Eves, Christmas Eves, any other ‘Eves’ and Valentines Days seeing some lame movie with my friends or just hanging out at someone’s house, maybe just another band practice like any other day. Every cool guy would have been out with a girlfriend or partying with their friends or doing something more interesting than me. It was quite depressing actually, now that I think about it.
But my life had changed so much and this New Years Eve, for once, I’d rather be nowhere but here. I was at a small restaurant with the band, overlooking a beautiful California beach. Sunset was late enough to be drinking, but I didn’t really feel like getting wasted tonight. Betraying the ‘rockstar lifestyle’ as it may be, but there was a tugging at the corner of my brain telling me not to drink tonight. That it would ruin everything. So I’d carefully take a sip of Jack Daniel’s every now and then, but my eyes were scanning my surroundings. There were still a fair few people on the beach, even the odd daring surfer battling the waves in the water. There were a few couples walking hand in hand along the beach. Seeing this, I took another swig of my drink. Not that it affected me at all. I was totally fine being single. Not lonely at all. I don’t know what it was that I was looking for, but it was my reason for staying sober. I really didn’t need to bother looking. I don’t know how anyone could have missed her. One second she wasn’t there and the next she was; the breath instantly knocked out of me at first glance.
She looked like something surreal; something straight out of a movie. Sitting on the edge of the pier, her back leaning against a wooden pole, the sunlight hit her so perfectly that I was amazed no one else was watching her like I was. Her long strawberry-blonde hair was straight, cascading past her shoulder blades and resting at the middle of her back, a small flick at the ends. Where the sun hit her hair it shone twice as bright as the sun itself, creating a golden glow about her that was impossible to ignore. Her eyes were bright swirls of coffee and melted chocolate, framed by eyelashes that looked so amazingly long that I could see them, even though I was sitting a good twenty meters away. But her most drawing feature, traveling down past a nicely rounded nose, was her full pink lips. They were open only the tiniest bit as she stared out at the glistening ocean, and seemed to have a ghost of a smile dancing around the corners, almost daring you not to think about kissing them. And I couldn’t help but think about kissing her…
“Gabe!”
Ryland clicked his fingers in front of my face, forcing my attention unwillingly away from the beautiful girl on the dock. I took another swig of the alcohol, tasting and feeling annoyance, gritting my teeth.
“Yeah?” I asked, pretending that he hadn’t just disrupted my serenity.
“You okay? You seem totally out of it.”
“I’m fine,” I answered blankly, turning back to face the pier.
Victoria followed my gaze and out the corner of my eye I saw her give me a small smile. Thankfully, she didn’t say anything to the guys and just took a sip of her drink. Ryland, Nate and Alex were already indulged in some other conversation involving Ryan Ross and who they could possibly set him up with. But I wasn’t listening. I kept watching her, sitting on the pier. From the angle I was looking from, her profile was silhouetted against the bright orange sunset and as they talked I just kept watching her, waiting for her boyfriend to appear next to her and kiss her lovingly. It just seemed like what she’d be waiting for. But I tried not to think about that. I was quite content just watching her breathing in and out at a gentle pace, following her movements as she brushed her side fringe out of her eyes.
“Someone’s got a crush,” a light, happy voice smirked into my ear.
I turned rapidly to see Victoria smiling knowingly, her pupils just a little dilated showing that she was a little tipsy. The other guys were gone.
“Where’d they go?” I asked, ignoring her previous statement.
“They left like five minutes ago to go to the bathroom,” she laughed. “You’ve been too busy staring stalker-like at that girl over there that you haven’t noticed.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
“Don’t be sorry!” she exclaimed. “This is great! I’m just wondering why you aren’t already over there hitting on her.”
Now that she brought it up, so was I. Why wasn’t I? Well I suppose I knew the reason, but I didn’t know how to voice it.
“I don’t know. I just… she doesn’t… she doesn’t seem like everyone else.”
Victoria smiled a little, thinking about her next reply.
“That’s really sweet. Who would’ve thought that the Gabriel Saporta would ever be half-way in love.”
“What?!” I spluttered.
“You heard me.”
“I haven’t even spoken to her!”
“But I can see it in your eyes. You want to fall in love with her. That’s why you’re scared of talking to her. You’re scared that she won’t be as perfect as you’ve made her up to be in your mind.”
“What are you, a psychiatrist?” I snapped.
I didn’t like it when she said stuff like this. It was like she knew me better than I knew myself. She probably knew me better than my own sister. That’s pretty much what she was to me, anyway.
“Besides,” I continued, trying to change the topic. “Why haven’t you told the others that Ryan already has a new girlfriend?”
She analyzed me for a second, and then decided to just go with my change of topics. She could tell I wasn’t in the mood to discuss matters of the heart.
“It’s fun watching them argue,” she said simply, elegantly sipping her drink. “And I want to see the looks on their faces when they meet her.”
I nodded, but before I could reply Ryland, Nate and Alex had returned to the table, still focused on the discussion they held before. As I looked away again I saw Victoria’s secret smile, but I didn’t know whether it was because of them or me.
***
Time passed by. The sun started to set and with it the oranges and pinks began to disappear also, sinking into the horizon and making way for the blue hue of nighttime. Still I watched her, and still she was unmoved. Her knight in shining armor hadn’t come to whisk her away yet. Even as other friends had joined us, Victoria had been giving me looks all night, trying to tell me to go and talk to the girl. But I couldn’t. I don’t know why. I just couldn’t. Just like I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
Eventually, Victoria said the words that I had needed to hear.
“If you don’t go now, you might not get the chance.”
I pushed my chair back. I stood up. I took a deep breath. I bit my lip. I walked out of the restaurant. I felt Victoria’s eyes on my back, and turned around to give her a glare. She understood and looked away, giving me the privacy I needed.
Every step I took led me a bit closer to her. My heart was racing in my ribcage under my skin, and the cold wind gave me goosebumps as it whipped my face ferociously. I don’t know how she did it, sitting there in the cold wearing just a pretty red and white sundress. I was decked out in skinny jeans and my purple hoodie, but she didn’t even seem to be shivering. She didn’t acknowledge me as I approached, but I knew she knew I was there. Suddenly, when I walked into the same square meter as her, my nerves disappeared. I was calm again, but not suave. As I took a seat next to her, my long legs dangling over the edge of the pier, I was just me.
“You’ve been sitting here for a while,” I stated simply, after several long moments of silence.
“You’ve been watching me for a while,” she replied. Her tone wasn’t accusatory or negative in any way. Just factual. I smiled to myself.
“Waiting for something?” I asked.
“I was,” she answered. “But I think I’ve found it now.”
She turned to face me properly, a smile playing on her lips. She was so much more beautiful close up.
“I’m glad,” I gulped. “Gabe Saporta.”
I held my hand out and she shook it, biting her lip and making a cute dent in her smile.
“Grace. I don’t know you well enough yet to give you my last name.”
“Fair enough,” I chuckled.
A peaceful silence settled again, and we stared out to sea. She had moved now and was sitting beside me, her legs also over the edge of the pier. Slowly, she slipped her hand in mine and entwined our fingers. I couldn’t stop my grin. When she spoke again, she had a hint of humor in her voice.
“I think your friend is watching us.”
I turned around to see Victoria smiling widely, but she turned away as soon as she saw me looking. For once, I wasn’t annoyed or embarrassed. I was happy and proud, holding Grace’s hand.
“Of course,” I muttered.
She let out a small laugh, and it was singularly the most wonderful sound I have ever heard in my life. And I’m in the music industry. This girl was something special.
***
We talked. We talked for hours. After half an hour she let her mysterious façade slip and let me in, let me know about her. She wasn’t so sweet and innocent. She shared her dirty jokes with me and I laughed. She was funny and happy. When the sun went down completely, she was there to replace it. She was better than perfect in my eyes.
I didn’t even realize how late it was until I heard my friends starting the count-down back outside the restaurant.
10
Looking up at the sky, I saw that it was a dark shade of almost-midnight, just waiting to be set alive with fireworks.
9
The clouds that had given the amazing sunset dimension were long gone now, and the sky may as well have been a perfectly polished mirror, reflecting the perfectly calm ocean.
8
The moon was full and smiling at me, that indescribable color vacillating between silver and gold.
7
Gracie was quiet, staring up at the sky just as I was.
6
I didn’t need a drink to make this special.
5
It all seemed so surreal, but at the same time everything felt so honest that it was impossible to be a lie.
4
I can feel her body heat, radiating from her glowing skin and sending shivers through mine.
3
Gracie squeezed my hand. I squeezed back.
2
Is Victoria right? Is this love?
1
Her lips on mine, kissing me so sweet and gentle but with a rough force and passion. A contrast impossible to describe well enough. I didn’t even initiate it. Her warm hands on the back of my neck, pulling me closer. Not that I need any more motivation to be closer to her. A smile on my moving lips, causing hers to mould the same. Wolf-whistles from Victoria; I refused to acknowledge. The love of my life, fitting perfectly in my arms.
This would be one New Years Eve I could never forget.
I used to really not care much for any cause of celebration. When I was a kid I spent most New Years Eves, Christmas Eves, any other ‘Eves’ and Valentines Days seeing some lame movie with my friends or just hanging out at someone’s house, maybe just another band practice like any other day. Every cool guy would have been out with a girlfriend or partying with their friends or doing something more interesting than me. It was quite depressing actually, now that I think about it.
But my life had changed so much and this New Years Eve, for once, I’d rather be nowhere but here. I was at a small restaurant with the band, overlooking a beautiful California beach. Sunset was late enough to be drinking, but I didn’t really feel like getting wasted tonight. Betraying the ‘rockstar lifestyle’ as it may be, but there was a tugging at the corner of my brain telling me not to drink tonight. That it would ruin everything. So I’d carefully take a sip of Jack Daniel’s every now and then, but my eyes were scanning my surroundings. There were still a fair few people on the beach, even the odd daring surfer battling the waves in the water. There were a few couples walking hand in hand along the beach. Seeing this, I took another swig of my drink. Not that it affected me at all. I was totally fine being single. Not lonely at all. I don’t know what it was that I was looking for, but it was my reason for staying sober. I really didn’t need to bother looking. I don’t know how anyone could have missed her. One second she wasn’t there and the next she was; the breath instantly knocked out of me at first glance.
She looked like something surreal; something straight out of a movie. Sitting on the edge of the pier, her back leaning against a wooden pole, the sunlight hit her so perfectly that I was amazed no one else was watching her like I was. Her long strawberry-blonde hair was straight, cascading past her shoulder blades and resting at the middle of her back, a small flick at the ends. Where the sun hit her hair it shone twice as bright as the sun itself, creating a golden glow about her that was impossible to ignore. Her eyes were bright swirls of coffee and melted chocolate, framed by eyelashes that looked so amazingly long that I could see them, even though I was sitting a good twenty meters away. But her most drawing feature, traveling down past a nicely rounded nose, was her full pink lips. They were open only the tiniest bit as she stared out at the glistening ocean, and seemed to have a ghost of a smile dancing around the corners, almost daring you not to think about kissing them. And I couldn’t help but think about kissing her…
“Gabe!”
Ryland clicked his fingers in front of my face, forcing my attention unwillingly away from the beautiful girl on the dock. I took another swig of the alcohol, tasting and feeling annoyance, gritting my teeth.
“Yeah?” I asked, pretending that he hadn’t just disrupted my serenity.
“You okay? You seem totally out of it.”
“I’m fine,” I answered blankly, turning back to face the pier.
Victoria followed my gaze and out the corner of my eye I saw her give me a small smile. Thankfully, she didn’t say anything to the guys and just took a sip of her drink. Ryland, Nate and Alex were already indulged in some other conversation involving Ryan Ross and who they could possibly set him up with. But I wasn’t listening. I kept watching her, sitting on the pier. From the angle I was looking from, her profile was silhouetted against the bright orange sunset and as they talked I just kept watching her, waiting for her boyfriend to appear next to her and kiss her lovingly. It just seemed like what she’d be waiting for. But I tried not to think about that. I was quite content just watching her breathing in and out at a gentle pace, following her movements as she brushed her side fringe out of her eyes.
“Someone’s got a crush,” a light, happy voice smirked into my ear.
I turned rapidly to see Victoria smiling knowingly, her pupils just a little dilated showing that she was a little tipsy. The other guys were gone.
“Where’d they go?” I asked, ignoring her previous statement.
“They left like five minutes ago to go to the bathroom,” she laughed. “You’ve been too busy staring stalker-like at that girl over there that you haven’t noticed.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
“Don’t be sorry!” she exclaimed. “This is great! I’m just wondering why you aren’t already over there hitting on her.”
Now that she brought it up, so was I. Why wasn’t I? Well I suppose I knew the reason, but I didn’t know how to voice it.
“I don’t know. I just… she doesn’t… she doesn’t seem like everyone else.”
Victoria smiled a little, thinking about her next reply.
“That’s really sweet. Who would’ve thought that the Gabriel Saporta would ever be half-way in love.”
“What?!” I spluttered.
“You heard me.”
“I haven’t even spoken to her!”
“But I can see it in your eyes. You want to fall in love with her. That’s why you’re scared of talking to her. You’re scared that she won’t be as perfect as you’ve made her up to be in your mind.”
“What are you, a psychiatrist?” I snapped.
I didn’t like it when she said stuff like this. It was like she knew me better than I knew myself. She probably knew me better than my own sister. That’s pretty much what she was to me, anyway.
“Besides,” I continued, trying to change the topic. “Why haven’t you told the others that Ryan already has a new girlfriend?”
She analyzed me for a second, and then decided to just go with my change of topics. She could tell I wasn’t in the mood to discuss matters of the heart.
“It’s fun watching them argue,” she said simply, elegantly sipping her drink. “And I want to see the looks on their faces when they meet her.”
I nodded, but before I could reply Ryland, Nate and Alex had returned to the table, still focused on the discussion they held before. As I looked away again I saw Victoria’s secret smile, but I didn’t know whether it was because of them or me.
***
Time passed by. The sun started to set and with it the oranges and pinks began to disappear also, sinking into the horizon and making way for the blue hue of nighttime. Still I watched her, and still she was unmoved. Her knight in shining armor hadn’t come to whisk her away yet. Even as other friends had joined us, Victoria had been giving me looks all night, trying to tell me to go and talk to the girl. But I couldn’t. I don’t know why. I just couldn’t. Just like I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
Eventually, Victoria said the words that I had needed to hear.
“If you don’t go now, you might not get the chance.”
I pushed my chair back. I stood up. I took a deep breath. I bit my lip. I walked out of the restaurant. I felt Victoria’s eyes on my back, and turned around to give her a glare. She understood and looked away, giving me the privacy I needed.
Every step I took led me a bit closer to her. My heart was racing in my ribcage under my skin, and the cold wind gave me goosebumps as it whipped my face ferociously. I don’t know how she did it, sitting there in the cold wearing just a pretty red and white sundress. I was decked out in skinny jeans and my purple hoodie, but she didn’t even seem to be shivering. She didn’t acknowledge me as I approached, but I knew she knew I was there. Suddenly, when I walked into the same square meter as her, my nerves disappeared. I was calm again, but not suave. As I took a seat next to her, my long legs dangling over the edge of the pier, I was just me.
“You’ve been sitting here for a while,” I stated simply, after several long moments of silence.
“You’ve been watching me for a while,” she replied. Her tone wasn’t accusatory or negative in any way. Just factual. I smiled to myself.
“Waiting for something?” I asked.
“I was,” she answered. “But I think I’ve found it now.”
She turned to face me properly, a smile playing on her lips. She was so much more beautiful close up.
“I’m glad,” I gulped. “Gabe Saporta.”
I held my hand out and she shook it, biting her lip and making a cute dent in her smile.
“Grace. I don’t know you well enough yet to give you my last name.”
“Fair enough,” I chuckled.
A peaceful silence settled again, and we stared out to sea. She had moved now and was sitting beside me, her legs also over the edge of the pier. Slowly, she slipped her hand in mine and entwined our fingers. I couldn’t stop my grin. When she spoke again, she had a hint of humor in her voice.
“I think your friend is watching us.”
I turned around to see Victoria smiling widely, but she turned away as soon as she saw me looking. For once, I wasn’t annoyed or embarrassed. I was happy and proud, holding Grace’s hand.
“Of course,” I muttered.
She let out a small laugh, and it was singularly the most wonderful sound I have ever heard in my life. And I’m in the music industry. This girl was something special.
***
We talked. We talked for hours. After half an hour she let her mysterious façade slip and let me in, let me know about her. She wasn’t so sweet and innocent. She shared her dirty jokes with me and I laughed. She was funny and happy. When the sun went down completely, she was there to replace it. She was better than perfect in my eyes.
I didn’t even realize how late it was until I heard my friends starting the count-down back outside the restaurant.
10
Looking up at the sky, I saw that it was a dark shade of almost-midnight, just waiting to be set alive with fireworks.
9
The clouds that had given the amazing sunset dimension were long gone now, and the sky may as well have been a perfectly polished mirror, reflecting the perfectly calm ocean.
8
The moon was full and smiling at me, that indescribable color vacillating between silver and gold.
7
Gracie was quiet, staring up at the sky just as I was.
6
I didn’t need a drink to make this special.
5
It all seemed so surreal, but at the same time everything felt so honest that it was impossible to be a lie.
4
I can feel her body heat, radiating from her glowing skin and sending shivers through mine.
3
Gracie squeezed my hand. I squeezed back.
2
Is Victoria right? Is this love?
1
Her lips on mine, kissing me so sweet and gentle but with a rough force and passion. A contrast impossible to describe well enough. I didn’t even initiate it. Her warm hands on the back of my neck, pulling me closer. Not that I need any more motivation to be closer to her. A smile on my moving lips, causing hers to mould the same. Wolf-whistles from Victoria; I refused to acknowledge. The love of my life, fitting perfectly in my arms.
This would be one New Years Eve I could never forget.