Discovering the Past

In the car we drove silently. Gerard’s words kept dancing in my head.

She told him the baby died during the delivery.

“That was a twist,” Michael’s voice woke me up from my thoughts.
“I don´t know. I have to talk with my mom, maybe…” I couldn´t find the words.

It felt like a heavy weight in my stomach, like a bomb about to explode.
Deep inside I knew it was true. But I felt happy in a way, after all Frank did want me; he looked out for me and tried to be my dad.
But something was missing. I didn´t have him.

“Is there…any possibility…that…Gerard is….” I had to try “…..lying?”
Michael didn´t look at me, he just kept driving.
“I don´t think so,” He said it very slowly, trying not to hurt me more. He looked at me for a second, I saw pity for me in his eyes.
“Of course not, the only liar here is my mother.” The anger started to come out. I found myself breathing faster.
“Stay calm, okay?”
“I´m calm,” I said sarcastically.
“Just don´t kill anybody,” The car stopped at the entrance of my house.
“It’s just that….my world has changed and collapsed so many times already in the past few weeks. I don´t know what´s next,” I let out a big sigh.
He gave me a quick peck in the lips. “So, I’ll call you tonight.”
I just nodded and kissed him again. Somehow he made me feel secure. When his lips were upon mine, or his arms around me, nothing could harm me.

“So first girlfriend, huh?”
“Err. No, of course not…” He laughed nervously and his cheeks went red. “I had girlfriends before.”
“Yeah...right.”
I took his face and gave him a small kiss.
“See ya,” He smiled kindly, those kind of smiles that melt you inside.

I entered the house the moment after the car left.
I had this strange feeling, like it wasn’t my house, like I was a stranger in my own home. I went to the living room, and started to see some pictures in the wall.
There were pictures of my grandmother and my mom, my mother and Joe.
There was one of me, it was my fourth birthday, I had this green dress and a funny hat, and I was blowing the candles of my cake, my mom on my right holding my hand. I saw Frank in the other side holding me also. He was wearing a blue sweater and you can see his tattoos in his neck. I blinked but the image of my dad was gone, it was gone because that memory never existed in first place, it never happened.

“Rosie,” A woman’s voice.

I shook my head and turned around to find a female figure.

“Dinner is ready, honey.”

She called me honey, like she was someone beloved to me. Her blonde hair fell beautifully over her shoulders. I looked at her emotionless; she was wearing a gray skirt and a white blouse.

“Rosie? Did you hear me at all?”

Yes I hear her, but I was trying to process what she meant to me. Who was she?
She was the woman who once lied to a man desperate to find his child. Yeah, I remember now. She´s that woman.

“How could you?”
“Sorry?”
“How could you lie like that, and live almost 16 years with no regrets?”
“What are you talking about?”
Her face was confused, really confused.
“I know, mother.”
I said the last word with hate. I was mad that she was my mother.
She just shook her head, she didn’t understand a word.
“He found me.”
“Who?”
“Frank! He found me and you lied to him! You told him I was dead!”
“What..? Who told you that….?”
“Why? Mother, why?”
My vision was a blur now. I noticed that it was because my eyes were filled with tears.

“Rose…”
“Tell me!!”
I demanded with a force I never knew I had.
The woman jumped in her place, she was scared. Maybe because I had never talked to her in that tone, maybe because she never thought I would found out the truth, or maybe because she knew she had done wrong.

“I don´t know what are you talking about…”
“Stop being a hypocrite!” I yelled again. “I know, that Frank found us, he hired a private investigator to find me. He wanted to know me and be a part in my life, why didn’t you let him?!” She was petrified in her place.
WHY?!”

“I wasn’t going to let him; that was a past chapter in my life. I wasn’t going to let him do that to me.”
“It wasn’t about you, it was about me. MY LIFE, mother. Not. Yours.” I shook my head trying to find some sense.
“All my life, I only wanted to meet him, to know about him.”
“You don’t understand…”
“Then explain it to me!” She remained silent.
“First he was dead, and then he abandoned me, then what mom? Was he from Mars or something?”
“I was only trying to protect you. You must understand that,” She was crying.
“Protect me from what?!” I went closer to her.
“He is my father! I had the right to know my father!”
“Protect you from him. He and…”
“So what he left you for a man! That was your problem, not mine!”
“You think it was easy. I raised you alone. I was trying to give you a good home with values…”
“Fuck you.” she let out a gasp. “Fuck you and your values.”

“I admire you, for everything you did for me….but now everything is a lie…”
She tried to held my hand.
“All my life is a lie…”
I ran to the door and left…

I heard some screaming behind me, seems like my name. But I didn’t look back; I ran and ran, looking for something.

That was the story of my life; I had always lived with the feeling of looking for something, looking someone. I never knew what.
Now I was sure. I was looking for him. I was looking for Frank. I was looking for my dad.