Discovering the Past

I was going back home in a taxi, after Gerard birthday party.
It was so weird after all those years, see him and Mikey, and to Know that Frank has a daughter was even more disturbing.
The bitterness that I felt after the band broke up came back like a rush.

.....
2007

“Men, You have to kidding me?” Bob said.
We were in the busses area of the PJ tour. It was late at night. And Bob was freezing. He was only wearing a T shirt.
“I tell You, Frank and Gerard are sleeping”
“And?”
“Frank was sick”
“I don´t care, I´m cold”
“Let him sleep”
“Go and see, wake them up!, Stop acting like a dad!!” I laughed, the guys always saw me like the father of the band, taking care of all of them, stopping the fights.
“There are tired”
“I don´t fucking care , I´m fucking freezing”
He was smoking and talking with Jerry and Worm. They laughed at him.
“Okay, You´re such a baby”

I went to the bus, and slowly approached to the door and opened very slowly, not a fucking sound.
I got on the bus, not a fucking noise, I let my head to a look inside the bus first, the light was off, but I still could see clearly that Frank and Gerard were on the couch, not sleeping.

Giggles and laughs.

“What if they´re back?”
It was Gerard voice.
“They´re not!”. Again another laugh, and a strange sound, the sound of two people kissing
“C´mon!” Frank was pleading now. “It´s been like 4 days!”
I went back, pressing my self to the door, of the bus, I was petrified.
Are they doing what I think they are doing’??

Again giggled and moans.

Jesus Christ!
I have to get out of here.

“Frankie..” I look out again. Don´t know why, I had to make sure.
Frank was shirtless on top of Gerard kissing his neck. I felt sick.
The quiet I could, I left the bus.
After drinking a beer, I went back to where Bob was.

“And?”
“The door is lock” I lied.
“But..”
“Shit bob! I told you is lock, drop it okay??!” I yelled at Bob. He just stared at me.
He remained silence, maybe hurt, I had never yelled to him like that. After half an hour at least, Gerard and Frank appeared. They were smiling.

.....

I could not stop feeling guilty. I did nothing, I knew what was going on, but I was mad. Mad with Gerard and Frank for not telling us a damn thing. They were messing around or they were a couple. I didn´t know.
Why the hell, they didn´t came clear with us.
We suppose to be brothers.
I actually waited for them to tell us, but that never happened. But after all those years, I realized, I should had asked

I got home and Krista was already sleeping, I went to Anthony´s room, Who was sleeping peacefully. He was a little younger than Rose.
I couldn´t imagine not having him in my life, He was my motor and motive for doing things, for being something in life.
It hurt me to think that Frank didn´t have that, that he missed his daughter childhood.
All the “I love you daddy", the draws on the fridge door, the bed time stories, the first day at school, even the first sex talk. When they looked at you with their eyes full of joy and you can see that you´re their hero.

“Dad?” I smiled.
“What is it? How did it go? Did you meet you friends?” He was so hyper
I just nodded, I was afraid that If said something I will start crying. I caressed his head.
“Sleep. Just sleep”. He just nodded, a little confused still.
I went back to bed with Krista, she was sleeping deeply after all those years She still was the most beautiful girl.
“Thank you, man”. I said to God for let me have what I had.