Discovering the Past

The next day I went to dinner with Matt. During dinner there was a couple fighting in the restaurant. Apparently the guy was dumping her.
“What an idiot, bringing her to dinner to dump her,” Matt said while drinking more wine.
“Some guys are really assholes. They break girls’ hearts,” Matt continued.
Broken hearts, I knew about that, lately I was trying to decide if my heart was still broken or had already healed.

...
2007

Frank and I had been ignoring each other for a couple of days. He looked indifferent. I acted the same way, but I was dying inside without him. I only wanted him to admit his mistake so we could solve things.
The show that night had been tense and weird.
“Gerard?” I was on the couch drinking some coffee. I didn´t looked at him. “Uh?”
“Can we talk?” His voice was cold.
I looked at him, pretending to be annoyed, but I was happy that we could finally talk and sort things out.
“Sure,” I stood and went out of the bus.

We walked in silence, I wanted to touch him so bad, it had been almost a week and I was in a desert, I needed water, I needed Frank.
We got to the empty stage.
“I´m listening.”
He started to get nervous, I knew this because he was biting his lower lip.
“C´mon, tell me” My voice sounded more sweet than I intended.
He looked down.
“I…”
“Yes?”
“I´m sorry.”
My soul returned to my body, He was regretting what he did at Ray´s party.
“It´s okay baby, we´ll work things out..The guys will be…”
I went to hold him but he take a step back.
“No, you don´t understand…”
I just looked at him, puzzled, waiting for an answer.
“I did something.”
“Tell me…“ I started to get nervous.
“At Ray´s party, I got drunk, really drunk after you left,” He didn´t look at me in the eyes.
“And?!!”
“Jamia was there.”

Pain, a knife trespassing into my heart, my blood being drained, killing me slowly.
“And we…talked and…”
I just stood there, lifeless.
He didn´t need to say anything more, I already knew, those fucking guilty eyes told me everything.
“You fucked her.”
He looked at me, eyes apologetic.
“I´m sorry.”

I just stood there, I didn´t yell, I didn’t cry, I just stood there looking at him; looking into his beautiful eyes, full of guilt now.
“The thing is…that.... we´re getting back together…”

No. He wasn´t going to kill me, he did something worse, he put the knife there and didn´t pull it out, he dug it in deeper. He was going to condemn me to a life without him. I could not live without him.

“So everything you fucking said, meant nothing, bullshit. You fucking lied?”
“No, I meant…..Things are different now,”
I looked at him in disbelief. Still, didn´t move from my spot, I guess my brain disconnected itself from my body, because I wanted to hit him, but I couldn´t.
“You promised it. Liar. Fucking and miserable liar.” My voice was angry, but I was hurt, never had I felt so much pain inside, so much pain.
“I´m sorry…”
“You´re sorry….you and your whore can...”
“It´s over, It´s the right thing to do...” He was serious again, but I couldn’t read his eyes because he was looking down.
“Fuck you.”
“Stop it Gerard,” He sounded annoyed and tired.
“You promised,” I repeated.
“I know, but things are different.”
“Didn’t mean anything to you, did it?”
The sound of someone. I turned to see Brian standing there. I didn´t know how much he had heard. I just left, I left Frank.
--

The knife stayed there for several years.

“What are you thinking?” Matt’s voice brought me back to the present.
“Uh?”
“You seem on some other planet, honey.”
“I´m fine,” I smiled at Matt. “Just… I don´t know.”
“You can tell me.”
“Do you thing the past will always haunt you? That you´ll be never free of it…? It sounds stupid…”
He thought for a second.
“I think that the past is a part of your life, it helps you to learn from your mistakes and gives you identity. But you can be free of him.” He smiled at me. “You can be free, Gerard, let it go and start living.”
We went to his place after dinner and I tried to forgive the past, to feel again with his body. I decided that Frank could live his life however he wanted to and I would live mine.

I returned home at around 3 am, Mikey´s car was parked outside my place. It was weird, he had a key. I got worried and ran to my door and opened it, thinking that maybe something could be wrong with him or Jr.

“Mikey?”
“Hey Gee,” He looked like shit.
“What is it?” I looked around, he had probably entered the house with the extra key I gave him.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Where were you, I called you all afternoon?”
“I was on a date,” I said, blushing a little.
“Oh...”
“What is it then?”
“You better sit.” He made room on the couch and I sat next to him.
“Okay. You´re scaring me now.”

He looked down and took a deep breath.
“Mikey!” He looked at me, something strange in his eyes.

“Brian found Frank.”