Discovering the Past

I was in my room looking at the wall; it has been 2 weeks since I heard about Frank's death. I told Joe and he told my mom for sure.
I could see she felt somehow guilty. She tried to approach to me but I kept ignoring her. Maybe I was blaming her, but not only her, I was blaming Gerard also.
Actually I was blaming everybody, Ray, Bob, Mikey, Brian. It´s not that difficult, write a letter, orpick up the phone and make a call. But nothing mattered anymore, Frank was dead. It was surreal, after all the effort.

School had already begun, but I was numb; my friend Sarah, the only one I had, was worried about me, and she didn’t know what was happening. I didn´t tell her anything, because I didn´t want to talk about it.
Michael was worried; he not only had to deal with a new school full of stupid people but also with my numbness.

I was supposed to be happy that he was around but the only times I even noticed him was when he was talking with Sarah, that got me jealous and it was stupid, I was angry, that was my motive, I just wanted to be angry at the world, and Sarah’s happiness upset me.

“Rose, did you hear me at all?” Sarah’s annoyed voice talked to me, we were in the cafeteria. Michael, who was sitting in front of me just sighed.
“Err… no,” I said in a small voice.
She sighed too.
“I was asking you about the history assignment. Did you do it?”
“What history assignment?”
“The one Mr. Clark gave us,” She rolled her eyes.
“Oh… I´ll do it today then…”
“Are you in this planet… what happened during the holidays…??”
“Nothing. Nothing happened.”
“I’m tired of that answer. It´s bullshit and you know it.” I just shugged my shoulders.
“Mikey did you do it..?”

- Did she call him Mikey?-

I looked angrily at her, but she didn´t notice.
“Yep,” He pulled out something from his backpack, a notebook, and gave it to her.
“Thanks Jr.,” She smiled at him.

-He hates to be called Mikey or Jr.
Why He let her call him that?-

“Anyway, I´ll catch you guys later, I´ll be in the library.” I just nodded and finished my orange juice.
Michael nodded also and smiled at her.
There we a few minutes of awkward silence.

“So… are We going to talk...anytime soon ? You know it’s not enough just holding hands in the hallway to be in a relationship, right?” He fixed his glasses.
I just looked at him. “I´m not ready yet.”
“You´re not going to move on if you act like this,” He crossed his arms over his chest and fell back on the chair. “You´re just like Uncle Gee.”
“Excuse me. I´m nothing like him….” I said calmly but angrily.
“He´s just like you, locking himself in,” He came closer to the table and looked at me. I looked at my juice.
“Rose?”
I kept looking down.
“It’s just… it hurts too much still…”
“I know but…” His sweet voice started.
“No, you don´t know!!” I spat at him.
He looked angry at me. Taking his backpack he just stood and left, leaving me in silence once more.
I realized what I had just said.

-Of course he knew.
Stupid Rose-

After lunch all the rest of the classes seemed almost surreal. I just sat there and looked at the ceiling, or the window. I could hear Michael’s and Sarah’s voices talking, laughing. I could not find a moment to say sorry to Michael because Sarah was there the whole time.
She was my best friend since kindergarten, her parents were divorced, so we kind of understood each other. We had always told each other everything. This holiday she went with her Dad to France.

After she left for the school bus Michael and I went to the parking lot. I got into the car.
He was silent, his face looked troubled, angry, tired.
I got mad again.
He could talk to her but not to me?

“Now you’re silent, I thought you wanted to talk, Mikey.” I emphasized the last word.
He looked at me, angry.
” You are the one that does not talk to me…” his voice was husky and held something more in it… sadness. His eyes were different.
“Of course, Jr, you are the one busy all the time.”
“What?!” He spat “And since when you call me that?”
“What?”
“Mikey or Jr.?” He imitated me.
“Oh,” I faked an innocent tone “You didn’t mind when your friend Sarah did it.”
“Are you jealous?” Michael shook his head in disbelief, “It can´t fucking be.”
I crossed my arms, when I notice he was parking the car next to our park.

-How we got here.
Maybe we never were heading home.
Did he plan this?
Is he going to break up with me?
I´m a little paranoid. -

“All I do is try to be nice to her, because she is nice to me, considering that she might think that I did something to you, like brain damage or something,” He signed and kept talking faster.
“Because you are like dead in life.” He waited for me to say something, but I kept staring at the front.
“I don´t recognize you, when I look into your eyes… I don´t see you anymore,” His voice sounded sad now. I felt a sob in my throat but ignored it.
“And Sarah does nothing but care about you.”
“Yeah she cares, talking to you,” Again the green goblin was speaking.
“This is unbelievable!!!!” He yelled.”….all we talk about is about you!!!”

“You-” I started but Michael’s angry voice cut me off.
“I Know… I don´t understand what it feels like to loose a parent, right?!”
I could not speak anymore.
“Fuck, you´re so annoying and selfish.”
“Then go with her!!!!!”
“Maybe I will; if you keep acting like a bitch!!!!!”
“FINE!” I opened the car door and left. I started to run into the park.

I just ran, tears falling, getting lost in the wind.
When I had no more air, I stopped, there was a bench and I fell on it.
I tried to calm myself down, the wind was strong , lifting the red leaves on the floor. Doing a strange and beautiful dance in the air. I wished I could be a leaf, taken by wind, free, careless.
I felt a hand in my shoulder soon after that. I knew it was him. I felt so wrong all of a sudden.
“I´m sorry…”
He sat next to me.
“I know you understand… I´m sorry… I´ve been…”
“Shhh…”
He put his arm around my shoulder and I leaned my head onto his shoulder.
“I´m sorry also…”
“No,” I lifted my head to look at him. “Michael… I…”
He looked into my eyes and lifted my chin with his thumb. “There… there you are… You´re back,” He held me close.
“It´s okay… You´re going to be okay…”
I just nodded into his chest.
“I know it hurts but think about this, You´re hurt and you didn´t even know him. Imagine Ray, Bob, and Brian… my dad… he’s been a zombie these days, and according to him Uncle Gee doesn’t want to leave the house…”
“I´ve been so selfish and a total bitch with Sarah and you…”
“No…” I looked at him and raised an eyebrow “…well maybe a little.”
He smiled and I smiled back for the first time in days.
“See, you look so beautiful when you smile.”
I smiled even wider and kissed him lightly on the lips.
“I´ve missed you.”
“I´m sorry.”

We held each other for a few more moments, that feeling of safety was coming back. I guess I would be able to overcome this. There were a couple of things I needed to do. Explain everything to Sarah, and talk to Gerard.