Discovering the Past

---When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest…---

It was nighttime, and I was in my nearly burned kitchen. “Thanks Mikes,” I said in a whisper and smiled bitterly.
That brother of mine was never going to change.
He had the best intentions of getting me out of my trance, but not the best way of executing it. But I kind of woke up upon seeing Rose.
I could not believe she was the one that ended up consoling me. I was the grown up person there.

She was like Frank a little, that´s why I kept staring at her the whole afternoon; I looked at her and saw Frank. I heard her laughing and heard Frank, it was intoxicating, it was like a little part of him was there with me, giving me a second change to fix things. And I was going to; I was going to help Rose in every way I could, I was already sentimentally attached to her, but I had the need to look out for her.
“I´ll watch her, I promise,” I whispered.

Rose had told me that it wasn´t my fault. Frank’s suicide, it hurt so much just the word.
Suicide.
During our touring as MCR, that was one of the most important issues. Do not harm yourself.

Keep fighting, you´re not alone.

What made him do that?
Frank out of all of us was the most eager to spread that message.
Something, not only me, not only rose death, not only being alone. Something must happened for him to do that.

---Leave out all the rest, don't be afraid
I've taken my beating, I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect, but neither have you---

But what if he had been alone? I know what is like. But I had my family. I had Mikey and Jr. I had Alicia when she was alive.

Who did he have?
Did he have a shoulder to cry on, a friend to talk to?

Maybe it was my fault, because I had the chance, that day, he came to me. I could have given up my pride and surrendered to my heart.
Stupidity and pride, not a good combo.

............

“What do you mean?”
“She told me the baby died during the delivery.”

“Oh… I’m sorry,” Frank looked so sad. I had to repress the desire to go and hold Frank.
A tear went running down Frank’s cheek.
“So you see, when they tell you, that you can’t lose everything, they’re fucking wrong. I have lost everything. Friends, family, and love.” He looked at me and our eyes locked for a second. I could feel my heart racing. “Don’t make me lose hope also.”

I looked nervously around the room. I turned around, trying to relax myself.
Frank eyes were so …
“Gerard,” Frank had hugged me from behind, like he used to do, before. He rested his head on my shoulder.
I frozen.
“I need you,” Frank whispered.
I grabbed his hand and squeezed it for a moment.
“I´m sorry, for everything…”
I just remained there.
“No, Frank it´s too…”
“Late, I know but at least we can be friends.” He said, defeated.” Don´t push me away from your life”
“You were the one that pushed me out of your life from one day to the next!!” I broke the grip of Frank´s arms…“Do you know how much that hurt??”
“You hurt me too.”
“I had reasons to.”
“It’s not always about you. Stop being selfish, stop being proud…”
“You have some nerve…”
“C´mon Gee…” Frank was pleading again.
“No. I´m tired of you.”

--You´re not…--

“C´mon Gerard, people make mistakes…”
“You fucked her! And married her… and now you come and ask me to erase everything?” He was going to say something, but I didn´t let him, I didn´t let him speak.
“You broke the band apart,” He shook his head taking a step back, as if something had hit him in the middle of the chest.
“It´s your fault, everything is your fault, if the rest of the guys knew they’d hate you as much as I hate you.”
Frank suppressed a scream, covering his mouth with his hands.

I was lying, I didn´t hate him. But I wanted him to suffer, I was mad, and I didn´t care.
“That´s not… that´s not true Gee-”
“No!”
“Please.” Frank was begging.
“Out. I want you out of my life!!” I yelled at him, pushing him out of the room. Tears were filling his eyes. “Out,” I said in a lower voice.
He stood on the threshold.
“Gee? Please?” He knew me too well.
“I don´t care if you’re dead or alive anymore.”
He ran downstairs. I could hear Mikey and Alicia’s worried voices. I stood there in the doorway.
The worst battle I ever had was taking place inside me.

--Go after him. It´s not too late.--

I took a couple of hurried steps but stood still.

*I can’t do that. He´ll hurt me again.*

I heard the door being shut.

--Run. Go. You know you still love him.--

*I can´t.*

I could see him on my mind, in the streets, getting wet, looking for a taxi.

-You know he´ll forgive you for anything you said.-

He´d be standing in the middle of street, the taxi passing by him. Tears in his eyes.

*I Can´t!*

--Go! Now, move!--

I just shut my eyes.

*And you said he´s the coward...*

I could not move. I just stood there.