Discovering the Past

Three weeks after seeing the guys, I was sleeping in my couch, I was seeing a movie and felt sleep.
It had been weird even that I was still feeling strange and down about Frank, I had also find a new reason to be up and dynamic. That was Rose. She had no idea how similar she was to Frank.
Not only Physically, but in the character, she had Frank’s energy, never tired, always ready to do something more, always laughing, making fun of Mikey or me, even Jr.
We hang out several times during this time, sometimes with Mikey, with Michael or only the two of us. It was fun and she always was eager to know more about Frank, which I was always happy to tell her but it also make things difficult sometimes. Difficult to forget.

“Hello?” I answer my phone that was ringing
“Gerard?” That familiar male voice enter my ears.
“Hi, Matt, long time not knowing from you”.
“Same here” He sounded a little bit angry.
“You never called me back”.
Fuck, that night when Mikey told me about Frank´s death, I told Matt I´ll call him, That night, I not going to lie, was amazing.

“I´m sorry, Things have been… “my voice was low and sorrowful difficult.
“Are you okay?” He changed to a worried tone.
“I´m..Better now”.
“What happened?”
I thought for a moment. “A friend pass away” I heard a gasp in the other end of the line
“I´m so sorry. Oh my god. I didn´t know. Sorry”
“It´s okay, He was very dear to me, and I just knew that he died a couple of years ago”
“Hey Why don´t you tell me this in person”
I thought for a second. Matt was a good listener.
“Yeah”.
“Great. Starbucks, one hour”
“That´s good.”

When I entered Starbucks I saw the waving hand of Matt. He looked gorgeous more since the last time I saw him. I don´t know why He took interest in me. I was old, over, grumpy and now kind of depress.
He hugged me and pointed the chair in front in of him.
We talked for a while of random things and after almost an hour.
“So, tell me about your friend”. I felt a point of pain in my chest.
“Who was he?”
“He was a friend from my old band. I didn´t see him in a long time, and juts shock me to find out that he was dead”
“I see. Sometime We don´t say or show what a person can really mean to us, isn´t it?” .
I just nodded, unable to speak. I f he only knew.
“I guess you realize how much you love or care, or even admire a person after He died”
I nodded gain.
“Was he close to you?”
I nodded again

-You don´t know how much-

“Wait, from your old band, that chemical thing you told me?”
“Yes”.
I smiled at his ignorance, Matt was more a Madonna kind of guy.
“Which one, the fat blonde?”.
“Bob” I said, “He isn' t fat, anymore. No, Bob is fine”.
“The afro guy?”
“No , that´s Ray, He´s good also”
“Is not your brother, I’m sure”. I just shook my head.
“Then have to be the small one.”

Small one

I nodded.
“Mark, right?”
“Frank” I said a little irritated for the name change but He didn’t notice.
“I´m sorry”
“It´s okay”
“If you don´t mind , how he die?” Now He touch a sensible spot.
“He..”I took a drink of my coffee. I needed to get through this, to put it behind, try to move on.
“He crashed his car”

Okay maybe not 100% ready. But he didn´t have to know

“That´s awful. So sorry honey.”
He put his hand over mine.
I looked at him.
“Why do you care for me Matt? There are plenty of hot and nice guys out there”.
“You are special Gerard. I really like you”
“I´m not the same Gerard Way, I´m not the guy on stage”
He laughed.
“I didn´t knew that guy anyway, I like this Gerard, the one I’m seeing. You´re smart, a great artist, talented artist, a, exceptional human been, funny” I blushed.
“Oh you blushed that´s so cute. Oh yeah, you´re cute and hot also”
I laughed still red.
“I like you too”. I said honestly.

After a couple of more hours of talking about art and life, We went to his apartment. It was only after noon, but Matt blue eyes and well formed body was to tempting, and it´s been so long.

In his apartment We talk a little more.
“How rude. Wine..I meant a soda?” I just nodded, He sometimes forget my addiction problem.
He handed me the Coke. We were sat on his couch, his blue pools looking me with sometime more that attraction. I lean to him and He smiled reading my actions. We kiss slowly and tender, not hurry, not in a sexual way.

“I´ll like to do this more…permanent” He kissed me back, for a long period, more longer than that.
He didn´t get my point,
“I meant, us”
“Oh!”
Now He got it.
“I´d like that too” He grabbed my face and kiss again.
The kiss started to get deeper and deeper.
The feeling was great, but not perfect

-Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

Matt was an awesome guy.

-You said move on
Where do I go?-

Smart, cute, sympathetic, funny, but He was another person,
He wasn´t Frank.

-I guess second best is all I will know.-

He was a great kisser, But I could not help not compare it, with the way Frank just to kiss.
His body bigger than Frank´s, more weight it, bigger arms and bigger torso.

-Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you-

We broke the kiss And He laughed.
A laugh, not a giggle.

-Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night-

Looking at me with blue not hazel eyes.

-Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes.

We started to make out more passionately, but the images of Frank kept coming, comparison keep appearing. For a second I swear I felt a lip ring.

-He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth-

I felt sick for a moment, it was compare Frank with Matt.

-He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself-

But Frank was dead and Matt was alive

-You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know-

I felt guilty of Frank´s dead, but maybe Rose was right, I wasn´t guilty, I wish I`d know what to do in that moment, but I made a mistake.
Yes, I let Frank run away from me, I could had stopped him, but it was the past, anyway.
I felt sorrow and regret, but I could not life like that anymore, I need to get out. Maybe Matt was a way to get out.
Learn how to love and care again.
It was the second door, consolation price, I might not loved him in the way I loved or love Frank, but at leats I could try

-Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes-

All this time, maybe I was holding back for the little hope that one day Frank will return, in some way, even If was angry with him, I still missed him, I realized that when I knew Frank was dead. I had always missed him.

-Looking into your eyes-

All I could wish it was for a second change to tell him everything, to even fight once more with him, to yell each other and have a happy ending.

-Looking into your eyes-

I´ll never look into Frank eyes again. He was dead.
Matt guided me to his room.
“Are you okay?”
I just nodded and kissed him again, trying to concentrate in Matt lips and Matt´s body.

I guess this is goodbye, Frankie

-Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes-

No, Matt would never be Frank, Matt would never had Frank eyes, Frank smile, Frank´s voice.

-Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...-

But Frank was dead.
And Matt was alive