Discovering the Past

I remember when I saw Gerard’s face, the moment I went into Ray´s party. He called a million times, I couldn´t answer, what was I going to say?
I was the one who came up with the idea of coming out at Ray´s party, and now I couldn´t.
He was greeting me with all the love he had, I just couldn’t answer in that moment. I avoided him almost the whole party.
But he noticed there was something wrong.

“Frank,” He grabbed my arm with force, I was smaller so there wasn´t too much I could do when he pushed me upstairs and into a bedroom on the second floor.
In that moment, with that argument everything changed.

We became stubborn.
He acted like a selfish asshole, I acted like a coward.
He couldn´t understand that I needed time. That I loved him, I really did, but my dad, the role model of my life had just kicked me out of his house and told me that I’m a disgrace to the family. He told me I was dead to him.
Of course later in my life, I realized that I never told him that I loved him in that moment, I didn´t tell him, just stay with me in this room, the two of us, because I love you. I just got frustrated with him. I never explained to him what happened with my dad.

But why is destiny cruel?
Why he had to leave the party, why Jamia had to come, why I had to drink?
Why in my drunken state I thought she was the only one that understood me?
Why?

I slept with her, I don´t even remember how it was.

After that everything came as a rollercoaster. I had cheated on Gerard with Jamia, he wasn´t going to forgive me for that. So I did a reasonable thing, in that moment it seemed reasonable, now it looks so stupid.

“Let´s try again, Jamia.”

I thought that maybe my dad was right. It was a mistake.
Gerard and I, it couldn’t be, for a moment, I forgot how much I loved him, how much I needed him, all the happy moments went away in one second of numbness.
In my journey to morality.
I convinced myself that Jamia was the right option.
The real one.
Gerard was a man, I could not love a man, and everything had been a mistake.
I broke Gerard’s heart. He obviously got mad and cursed me to hell.
I thought that he´d get over it soon.

But for the rest of the tour he made sure to remind me of the piece of shit I was, the coward I was, the liar I was.
I even called him a drama queen once.
That upset him even more. He broke our friendship, the friendship I innocently try to continue.
And as strong our dynamic was and so important, the band started to fall apart.
I had never realized it before, how close we were, until he stopped talking to me.

People took sides in the battle; when they even didn´t know the motive.
Mikey of course was on Gerard’s side.
I got Brian though, and Bob.
The only one silence was always Ray, I never understood why. But he usually got mad at both of us, calling us childish and fighting with the others for taking sides.
Everything was a mess.
Everything was chaos.
Gerard insisted it was my fault and only my fault.
In that moment I started to hate myself for making everyone’s life miserable, including Jamia. It was not us anymore, it was only Jamia trying to build us back and I was numb.

So it was my fault.

My Chemical Romance broke down because Frank, me, made a bad decision. Gerard was right, it was my fault.
I felt like this useless person, always screwing things up, never saying the right things. People got tired of me. People started to hate me.
After the band separated in the whole drama, even punches and screaming. I went away and married Jamia in the center of the tornado.
I sent the invitation to my family, everybody went, except my father, it seemed like he still did not forgive, he never did. He died hating me.

Gerard of course didn´t go either. I didn´t expect him too. I prayed for him not to.
I wouldn´t have been able to do it with him there, because in that moment I was missing him like hell, but I was too proud and cowardly to go back for him. To accept that yes, I was in love with him. Because it doesn’t matter the gender of the object of your affection, it matters that you love them. Why people should hate you for love, It´s ridiculous.

Marrying Jamia was hell… the first two months were fights and more fights. Crying at night and regretting every single day.
And then when I thought things couldn’t get worse, I found Molly, the girl I dumped for Gerard.
And she was pregnant.
A kid.
My child.
With another woman that wasn’t my wife.
That would have meant breaking up with Jamia, I knew, our relationship would not have survived that.
I ran once again. I ran away from that too, I ran away from my child.