Discovering the Past

I kissed Jamia’s neck as I entered inside her. She moaned loudly. She was giving me the best and I was trying to do my best to satisfy her.
“Frank…”
I started to thrust into her faster….
She moaned again, after a while in this rhythm I started to reach a climax, a really good one, I hadn’t felt like this in a while.
I started to bang her harder and harder… and every time I thrusted a small gasp left her mouth.
“I´m almost…” She bit her lip.
I moaned softly and in the last thrust, before reaching the climax I screamed her name.

Or at least I thought that I had.

But in a few seconds I was being thrown off the bed.
“What?”
“Gerard!!??? GERARD???!!” She screamed like crazy.
That was the end of our marriage. I only saw her again when we signed the papers, I gave her everything she asked for.

So I was alone.
Alone.

Have you ever felt alone?

I remember picking up the phone and just looking at the screen for hours.
“Who should I call?”
Brian? He was never around; I always left him a message, and never answered.
Ray? I found him at a party and he didn´t seem too excited about going out.
Bob was on vacation. And I had lost track of him.
Mikey?
No way….
I´m not even going to say the other member of the band’s name.

I would just shut the phone and watch some tv, putting everything inside.
Keeping it inside, locking it away.
I didn´t want to review my life, because it was a total mess.

One day I was walking down a mall. My heart melted when I saw a children’s store.
I have a kid.
Somewhere.
There was a little part of me breathing and crying.
What would Molly say to that kid, that his father wasn´t man enough to take responsibility, a crazy rocker with tons of tattoos that wanted to stay as a kid forever?
I felt a new wave of life inside me.
I could make everything right with him or her. I would take care of the child. And I would see the first step that it made, the first word, teach them to ride a bike. They would look at me and everything would go away.
They would see no wrong in me, like I saw in my dad when I was a kid. And I would love them with all my heart and understand them in everything.
I was already imagining that I would buy him a guitar…

But everything was a castle built over the clouds.
That child died during delivery.
Molly said it. I hired a guy and He found her.
I was too late. The child died, She got tears in her eyes.

Those days I felt I had no purpose in this world anymore.
Before, when I felt like this there was a concert and a fan came and told me, your music saved my life and gave me something to carry on, but that was gone too.
Or Gerard would come and kiss me, but that was gone too.
Maybe Bob would talk to me or any of the guys, and make me feel better, but that was gone too.
Not even my family, who had practically expelled me.

I found myself one day walking in a rainy New York, with nothing to lose.
People running down the streets with umbrellas, running to go someplace, maybe to be with their family or friends, or partner.
Trying to find myself, at some point I remembered that Mikey loved the rain.

Mikey lived in New York.

Alicia had sent me an email a while ago; she and Mikey had a kid, a little Mikey. She told me Gerard was living in New York too, with them. She gave me the address and told me to come and visit some day.

I had to get rid of my pride and stubbornness.
I´d would beg.
Beg for him to forgive me, and try to talk with him.
God knew that I needed a talk. Talk about my life.
I missed him so much that it hurt. In my bones and in my eyes, in everything, so I went to Mikey’s house.
Alicia greeted me at the door leaving me deaf.

“Oh my GOD!!!!”
“Hi, Ali.” I was a little timid, I didn´t like her reaction.
I saw their little kid; he was truly a little Mikey.
I asked to talk with Mikes.
“Oh My God!!” Mikey screamed when he saw me. I was surprised that the next thing he did was hug me so strong that I couldn´t breathe.
“Mikey….I can’t …breathe…..”
“Oh sorry,”
He was actually happy to see me. They asked about Jamia and I told them about us getting divorced.

Then the door opened to reveal a man’s figure cursing about the rain.
It was him. I couldn’t breathe for a couple of seconds. He was as beautiful as always.
And then it happened, our eyes met. They were the same as I remembered, it seemed like a spark for a moment growing there but soon died.
We went to his room to have a more private talk.

“Listen Frank…”
I sat on the floor, looking down, like I used to do wherever I was nervous or sad. I must have looked pretty miserable, because the angry voice of Gerard became a whisper.
“Frank,”
“I screwed up everything, didn’t I?”
I kept looking down, not being able to look him the eyes... Gerard remained silent, his arms crossed over his chest.
“I screwed us up, I screwed the band. I screwed Jamia. I…” I started to talk, I need to talk, I needed to someone to listen me.
“I miss the band…”
“There is nothing you can do about it, anyway; everyone is following a different path.” His voice was calm.
“What about us?” I dare to asked him.
“Frank. You’re married, you fucking married her.” Again the anger started to rise in his voice and another feeling, hope. He was still angry at me for marrying Jamia, which meant something- It had to mean something.
“What if I wasn’t anymore…?” I looked at him, to see his reaction.
“What?” He looked surprised.
“What if I wasn’t married? Would that change anything...?” Hope again, I had hope. I waited for his answer.
“No...I...” He thought for a second. “That’s not the point.”
“We got divorced Gerard.” Gerard remained silent, I couldn’t read him.
“After we broke up, I thought I could love her, like she deserved,” I tried to explain to him.
“But I couldn’t. I still was in love with you. I missed you, everything about you,” He needed to know that I still loved him.
“And she saw that… she was the one that asked for the divorce,” Actually I didn´t gave him the details of the divorce, his name during the sex, maybe I should have.
“I’m sorry,” Gerard said. He sounded sincere.
“Have you missed me?”
He just looked down, avoiding my eyes.
“At least a little…?” My voice was tiny and pleading.
“No.”He looked to the right with the corner of his eyes and his nose moved in a awkward way. I knew him. I knew Gerard very well.
“Liar,” a smile formed in the corner of my mouth. “I know when you lie; you always look to the right, and do that thing with your nose…”
“Listen Frank…It´s over okay?….over. Just get that.”
“I’m so sorry for what I did. But I have regretted it every day,” I said honestly. I wasn´t going to let him go that easily
“Regret does not work here.”
“I lost you for being an asshole. I thought…” I stood up.
“What?!”
“I thought that marrying Jamia was the right thing. I was a coward. A fucking coward,” I admitted.
“Yes you were.”
“Everything has been so messed up…”
“I lost you, and thought that I’d be fine. But I wasn’t; everyday was a torture, and when the band broke up, because of me…”
Gerard stood there in silence. “Then I not only hurt you but Jamia also, the baby,”
“What baby?”
I told him about Molly being pregnant, about how I found out, and how I ran away.
“Oh… I’m sorry,” He looked pretty ashamed after I told him that the baby had died.
I felt a tear running down my cheek.
“So you see, when they tell you, that you can’t lose everything, they’re fucking wrong. I have lost everything,” I started to approach him slowly.
“Friends, family, and love.” He looked at me and our eyes locked for a second. “Don’t make me lose hope also.” Right then it was the only thing I had left. Hope that Gerard would forgive me. Hope was the only thing I had left.
Gerard turned around, giving me his back. I came closer to him, and put my arms around his waist.
“Gerard,” I felt like fainting, just to feel his body against mine. I rested my head on his shoulder like before; I took a moment to inhale his smell, to notice the form of his body.
He didn’t move.
“I need you,” I whispered.
He grabbed my hand and squeezed it for a moment; I felt my heart beating faster.
“I´m sorry, for everything…”
“No, Frank it´s too…” His voice was uneven.
“Late, I know, but at least we can be friends.” I said, defeated, but I needed Gerard in any way possible.” Don´t push me away from your life,” I pleaded with him.
“You were the one that pushed me out of your life from one day to the next!!” He separated us violently.
“Do you know how much that hurt?”
“You hurt me too,” I said, not raising my voice.
“I had reasons to,” His voice was cold, that ego he had.
“It’s not always about you. Stop being selfish, stop being proud…” I started to lose it, he didn’t think about anyone other than him.
“You have some nerve…” Gerard started to look angrier at me.
“C´mon Gee…” I pleaded one more time… Trying to calm down.
“No. I´m tired of you.”
“C´mon Gerard, people make mistakes…”

Why can’t he forgive me? It wasn´t that bad anyway, everything has a solution, except death.

“You fucked her! And married her… and now you come and ask me to erase everything?”
He renamed my mistakes; and I realized how much I had hurt Gerard. And now it was time to get even with me.
“You broke the band apart,” He spoke with hate in his voice. I felt something hitting my chest.
“It´s your fault, everything is your fault, if the rest of the guys knew they’d hate you as much as I hate you.” His eyes showed me this hate, it looked like my father’s eyes.
I had to cover my mouth for me not to scream.
He hated me.

Gerard hates me.

“That´s not… that´s not true Gee-” I felt the tears coming again.
“No!” He yelled.
“Please.”
“Out. I want you out of my life!!” I heard my father again in my head. He pushed me though the door. I was crying already.
This could not be happening again.
“Out,” He said in a lower voice.
“Gee? Please?” I remained at the door frame, begging.
“I don´t care if you’re dead or alive.” And with that I just ran, I ran downstairs. I ran from his words. I ran from everything again.
I was alone. He hated me.