Discovering the Past

MCR back together, insane simply insane.

Brian was getting old, maybe he was having some kind of middle age crisis or something like it.
We weren´t the same now, We got other projects and different lives, my only relief, was that Frank won´t agree, he didn´t wanted to see me.
I had tried to reach him since our exchange of words to put like that; I left him a couple of messages on his phone but he didn´t answered any of them.

He must be mad.
He hd the right to be mad.

He wanted to built up a friendship again.
And I acted like an asshole for the hundred time.
God knows that I wanted him in my life again.

-And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by, and I cried-

But probably He´s right about us.
Too many wounds. I wish I could find a way to let go everything.
I should be enjoying my life, living fully, not learning how to live still. It was so frustrating. But I missed him, that was for sure.

-It's hard to say that I was wrong
It's hard to say I miss you
Since you've been gone it's not the same-

And now Brian with this crazy idea of playing again.

-Since you've been gone it's not the same-

I decide to clear my mind and watch some TV.
In front of the TV, on my comfortable couch, with a mug of coffee I felt relaxed. I felt old.
I searched for VH1. There was always something nice to see and listen in that channel. I was sick of MTV, all those stupid realities shows. That was not real life.

“It seemed like there where here to stay”

There was a dude talking, it seemed like a documentary. It took my attention

“After their last album they broke apart and they not only disappeared from the music business but from the spot light” I drank some coffee, I was curios now.
“Today In Bringing Back the Dead…”

Apparently that was the name of the show.
Suddenly, a well know music came into and a music video I knew well.
“Oh fuck!”

“My Chemical Romance”

The name of my ex band came into the scream with Welcome to the Black Parade in the background, then lots of images, shows, videos, gig, parts from interviews, the images keep passing faster by the second. Then the stupid presenter again.

“That´s right friends, you asked! We gave it to you!!”
“What? People asked for it?”
I found myself talking alone.
“That´s was insane, I’m sure they didn´t have anything else to show” I sink in the couch.

I wanted to turn off the TV, but I couldn´t I wanted to know what they were going to say about us.
My curiosity won, so I stood in that channel.

“We are definitely a band that want to save your life” suddenly in the screen, there was a younger Frank.
“This band from New Jersey, broke into the scene in 2002 with their first album “I Bough You My Bullets, You Bough Me Your Love”, which got good review in the industry”
They put some images of our early days.
“After more than 6 years of a brilliant career, the band broke apart in 2008”
After some music the presenter kept on talking.

“After 9/11 Gerard Way, singer and leader of the band..”
“So I´m the fucking leader now”
“…called some friends to form a band, the band of his dreams. Gerard was a comic artist, but He decide to pursuit a music career…”
They started to say the beginning of the band.
Me and Matt wrote “Skylines and Turnstyle” the song played in the background as they talked a little about it.
They talked a little bit about Matt also. Putting images and videos of him.
“Ray Toro, an old friend of Gerard´s brother Mikey was call to play the guitar”

“He called me one day, and asked me if I wanted to play in a band, I accepted cause I didn´t had anything better. I was playing drums in another band” Toro said.
“I don´t know what the hell He was doing playing drums” It was me, a younger me, more chubby, long and messy hair, not like I have it now, short.
“Mikey joined the band short after…” The voice said.
They explained how Mikey put the name to the band.

“Yeah that was the vibe in New Jersey” I said, a yonger me.
“..people was so, oh how you gonna call it….My Chemical Romance……they were like fuck that´s good…” A younger Frank said.

A contagious giggled sounded from the television, when I was explaining how Mikey didn´t want to give us the name of MCR when He joined the band. It was Frank laughing, I remember that all that stuff was from our DVD.
He looked so young. He had that strange hair cut and his piercing back, they always put us together in interviews, Frank used to explain this to people as “the great chemistry that we had”

I got lost for a moment in my thought and when I pay attention to the show again, they were talking about our first gigs.

“I remember getting up on a chair and watching the first My Chem show”

I remembered that moment, Frank and the guys were friends because we practiced in the same place, at Reprise Records. He kind of became our first fan, he always watched the practice and gave us suggestions about the songs.

That day, our first gig ever, We got drunk in his van, with Mikey, We were terrified, I was so scared; but Frank was so supportive, He gave us more beer and pushed us to the stage.
“You can fucking do it Gerard, I fucking believe in you”
He said in a drunken state. I remembered how we started to play and the kids went wild

“Next on Bringing back the dead…A new guitar player…….Their first album, Gerard problems….”

I went for a another cup of coffee during commercial and my phone rang
“Change to VH1”
“I´m watching it”
“It´s cool isn´t?”
“Yeah, Mikey” My voice with lack of joy
“I have to call Bob and Ray and Frank..”..He hung up before I could reply.

Typical

After the break they put the Vampires video and Honey. It was funny to see our old looks, Vampires specially.
They also talked how days before recording the first album Frank joined the band.

“I said sure…you guys are my favorite band” There was Frank again talking of how He joined the band

“Gerard Way is an alcoholic” Brian said, that also taken from LOTMS.
“Great” I said blowing the coffee cause it was too hot. “Time to be a human joke G”
They put some images of me being drunk or high, doing stupid things or vomiting. The guy said the same old story, me being depress, alcoholic, drug addict.

“I killed so many brushes”
“Okay lets go”

I smile when Frank cleaned my clothes from the dirt and plants. I was pathetic but He always seems to care about me.

-It's hard to say I held my tongue
It's hard to say if only
Since you've been gone it's not the same-

But of course there is the happy part when I got clean.

“Gerard became a role model for young people..” there were a part of a video, Mikey was talking about how I overcome that problem, how the fact that I was sober change the whole course of the band.

“My grandmother died and everything changed”

They talked how my grandmother inspired me and how she influence the second album, they also talked about Brian, showing images of him in his laptop or calling. Brian typical actions.

“The first record didn´t have a good distribution.” They talked how the second record started to sell like hot bread and the success We accomplished.

There was a part of a video, I was telling the guys how many copies the album had sell in the first week, We hug each other. I was really sweet. I remembered how much We celebrated that day, Frank got drunk, I was clean, by that time.

“Gerrrardd!!!” He came a hugged me. “We made it man!”
I just smiled and put my face away to avoid the smell of the licor.
“Whatt?” He looked offended “You don´t want to hold me!!!!”
“Hahaha. No Frankie, it´s just that you…”
“You like to grab me on stage!” He smiled mischievously.
I just went red. He always did that, act sexy or kinky around me, I always followed the game, it was fun to defy all the homophobes out there.

When my attention was back on the screen they showed the “I´m not Okay” video, and “Helena” after that.

“They were really close, like brothers” There was a guy talking, it was according to the name under his image a biographer of rock bands.
“These were guys that came from a frustrated life, they join their fears and pain and transformed into something beautiful; I think the most important appealing of My Chemical Romance to their fans was that they could relate personally with them.”

“They came out saying that they wanted to save your life, and I truly think that they did”

“I was really depress when I was young, I had so many troubles, I was gay and my parents didn´t accepted me, no one accepted me, I never felt in place, you know?” There was a guy, older guy, maybe younger than me, it said that it was a fan.
“The only place I felt good was in MCR concerts, You could be free and the lyrics where awesome, they really helped me, just to know like there were other people with problems out there and they overcome that in order to do what they did” –they guy smiled. “ Like Gerard said once, and not only that but there whole show was a kick in the ass to homophobe people, the action between Frank and Gerard, it was amazing”

I went red when I heard that, but smiled also, it was nice to hear that we actually helped people, that the kids got the message and now We can see the results, now that they are older.
Then other growing up fans came out. There were three girls.

“They were awesome” Said one blonde now woman. “The music, the show, the message”
“Yeah” Said another with black hair. “I never felt lonely when I listened to MCR, it was my favorite band, hands down, my favorite”
“They saved our lives” Said another with black and short hair “I had children now, and I afraid, because the world it´s getting colder and so selfish, problems are bigger, and our kids are going to face that, I wish they could have a shield against it. That was what Gerard and the whole band was for me a shield”

I was speechless, the words from our fans or former fans were so touching. After concerts, there was always some girl or guy that came to us for an autographs and thanks us, but these was even bigger, I felt so proud that in a way I touched someone I don´t know at all, and helped her or him to become the person He is now, a good person.

After putting the “Ghost of You” and a live clip, they started to comment on The Black Parade.

“Dude, if they did The Black Parade, can you imagine what they would have done after that.”
There was a music critic talking
“That Record is great, musically, the story behind it, it was amazing”
After some of the videos from that album, there were some interviews to us about the record with some images from Project Revolution. I started to pray

Please don´t about that, please don´t say that stupid name.

“Frerard”

Fuck

The fan girls were back. The blonde one said that word, she closed her eyes, like she was tasting something delicious.
“I was obsessed about it” Said the one with short hair.
“I always thought they would have made a nice couple”
“And the kiss” The three girls made a strange sound ”It was hot, Frerard was hot” They giggled.

“But even if the fans wanted to believe a secret romance between the lead singer and the second guitar of the band, nothing was never a proof”

“I think they liked to defy stereotypes, homophobia, racism, all those this thing. I think they like that Glam period, you know, Bowie and all that bisexuality around, something that it´s common now, after MCR started to do it, a lot of bands started, and it was good I think, you have to stand out” The music critic said.

It was a good answer, not completely true, cause Frank and I actually had an affair, but it very was a very logical answer .
I was curious now of what were their theory about us breaking up as a band.

In 2008, after finishing their international tour, they performed in what it would be their last show.

“Madison Square Garden” The gay fan said. “What a great show!”

“In that show the band announced that they would take a break, a break that long forever” The guy from the show said.

They passed a video of a live presentation of Cancer from our last DVD, it was me singing and Frank was sitting in the corner of the stage. I remembered that We had broke up by that time. He was back with Jamia and We had a another fight after that show.

-............
2008

“What the hell Iero?” I pushed him once We get backstage.
“Now what” He sounded tired.
“What were you and your pathetic ass doing on the stage?”
“I like the fucking song, so what?” He faced me. “Does my presence disturb you?”
“Guys come on” It was Bob. “Not again”
“It doesn’t disturb me, but your face made me sick”
Frank just closed his eyes. “Whatever”
He tried to leave but I grabbed by the arm and pushed him onto me, I pushed too strong, so He end up inches apart.
“The stage is not yours, I can fucking sit anyway, stop bother me about this stupid thing, grow up a little would you” His eyes were fixed on mine and his breathing was accelerated, mine was too, but I didn´t know if it was from the rage or for his closeness.
I pushed away.
“Fuck off, I’m over you”
“So do I” He said before leaving. Bob just remained there looking down, He tried to talk to me, But I went to another room to clear my mind.

-........

-Worse than the fear it's the lie you told a thousand times before
Worse than the fear it's the knife
And it's hard to say how I feel today
For years gone by, and I cried-

“I felt devastated after that press conference back in 2009” The blonde girl woke me up from my regression.
The press conference, announcing that MCR was dead for good, our reason, We wanted to pursuit different things and projects.
A lie of course.

.......
2009

We met to discuss the future of the band, Brian wanted to know when We were planning record the other album.
“There´s not going to be another album”
“WHAT?!” Brian, Mikey, Ray and Bob, scream in unsound, Frank just remained silent. He looked at me with sorry eyes, He was doing that lately.
“I won´t do it anymore”
“But..” Bob said, He was about to cry.
“I just can´t do it anymore, I´m tired, I feel trapped in this MCR world, it´s not working for me anymore”
They all were shocked. “If you want to find a new singer, I´d totally understand”
“No!” It was Bob again “This worked with the five of us!” He took a deep breath. “You can´t give up”
“Maybe He´s right” It was Frank.”I´ve been feeling the same way”
“You agree with him??!!” Bob was losing it “You!!, after all the stupid fights, We had to tolerate between you two, you agree with him, NOW” Frank just shrunken his shoulders.
“I’m sorry, Bob” I just looked at everybody.
“I´m sorry guys”
I left hearing the screams behind me.
-

I couldn´t finish watching what the fans had to say about us breaking, I just turned the TV off.
I remained on my couch, the empty cup of coffee in front of me. So empty as me.
I remembered what the fan girl said, about their children, I thought that today the world was such an awful place, so many kids lost, so many suicides, so much pain.
Maybe there was something I could do, to fill the emptiness, to fill my emptiness. I did it many years ago, and it worked.

I looked at my clock.
3 am.
I didn´t care. It was time.
I dialed the number.