Discovering the Past

Frank didn’t call me the next day or the day after that. So five days later, we met up in the studio. He arrived late and looked like crap; I knew for Mikey that he and Rose weren’t talking at each other since that day.
That dreadful day when he and Rose had that horrible fight, that day when we kiss and more. I hadn’t been able to sleep since that day, everynight I laid on my bed and thought about Frank. I was confused with his reaction, it was HE who kissed me, why did he stop?

Fuck

Frank said hello to all, nobody asked about Rose or talked about the subject. We kind of warmed up and before star playig He came to me.
“Hey” He said shyly, I got a little excited maybe he was ashamed, maybe ashamed was a good sign.
“Gerard”
“Yes?” I said slowly.
“I´m sorry about the other day” I just looked at him with a blank expression. “It won´t happen again okay?”
Becuase I didn’t respond He kept on talking.
“I was vulnerable and took advantage of you, I’m really sorry”
“Frank...” I wanted to tell him that there was no mistake.
“No...listen I´m really sorry. It was a horrible mistake”

Horrible
Did he really say horrible?

“Let’s forget about it and practise, okay?” He squeezed my arm and smiled.
I didn’t know what to say so I just nodded. His smile grew bigger and when to pick up his guitar.

The practice went awkward, everybody was tense and I was just upset. I couldn’t look at Frank without feeling a mixture of emotions, good one and bad ones. For moments I wanted to go and kiss him and seconds later I wanted to have that sexy and tattoed neck of his between my hands and squeeze until he died.

Okay, maybe not until he died.

After the practice, Ray asked Frank if he wanted to have a coffee with him, so they left together. Probably to talk about Rose.

The mixed feelings didn’t dissapear, it only grew bigger, killing me inside. The worst thing was that I had like a small bomb inside me, all the things I could have said to him in that momment I didin’t, so I was angry at him and at myself for not telling him what he really deserve. What I really thought.

A mistake...a mistake my ass!
He wanted to do it as well, he was the one who kissed me.
Taking advantage of me. I was the one on top. I was taking advantege of him... I could imagine so many ways of taking advantage of Frank. Some of them, probably prohibited in several countries.

A week later, I didn’t hear anything from Frank or Rose. Ray told me that Frank had told everything to Molly, about Michael and Rose having sex and being probably pregnant, but didn’t tell her about Rose and Frank's fight.

“Hi” Molly opened the door for me. “What are you doing here?” She asked me.
“Can I come in?”
She doubted it for a second.
“Sure”
“Is Rose here....?”
“In her room grounded, She just come back from school” She explained.
“Want to talk to her?”
“No with you, actually”
“Me?” She asked very surprise.
I just nodded.
We went to the living room and sat down. She looked suspicious at me.
“I love Rose, you know?” She just nodded.
“I think she cares about you a lot as well”
She said serious.
“But if you’re here to try to make some kind of excuse...”
“No, I’m not”
“Ow”
“I know we had not always agreed”
She made a face “ Well, you did steal my boyfriend” She said.
“I did not steal it!” I said. Molly looked at me and raised an eyebrow.
I remembered all the provocations on stage, the touching, the kisses, all the excuses I made for Frank to spend more time with me than with Molly.
“Okay, maybe I did .... a little” We looked serious at each other for a second before laughing.
“So what is it then?” She asked curious.
“Because I love Rose, there is something you need to know”

I told her what had happen with Frank and some of the words she said.
She didn’t believe me at fisrt.
“She wouldn’t do that!”
“Well, she did, they did, Frank was hysterical as well” She thought for a minute.
“Why would I lie to you with something like this? I looked at Molly into her eyes trying to convince her to believe in me.
“Rose!” She yelled. “Come down a minute, please!”

Rose came down, she smiled a little when she saw me, probably thinking as well that I was there to save her ass.
I wasn’t.

“Gerard here says that you mistreated your father, is that true?” Molly said pretty calmed.
Rose didn’t said anything, just looked at me.
“Rose, you need to understand that what you did is wrong” I added. “You and your father need to talk”
“Is it true?” Molly started to loose her patience.
“I...I..I didn’t meant it like that!!!!”
“You wished he was dead!!!?” Molley did not belive it. “Jesus!”
“It wasn’t like that, you were there, tell her” She started to yell.
“Why don’t you tell her how he yelled at me”
“Rose” I said calmly.
“I was there, I’m not saying that Frank’s reaction was the best but...”
Molly didn’t let me speak.
“He’s your father, I don’t expect nothing less from him” Rose was already crying.
“You’re lucky Frank was the one who was there and not me. I would have killed you” She took a deep breath.
“Will talk later. Go to your room”
“But..”
“Don’t make repeat myself”
“Thanks G”. She said sarcastic before going upstairs to her room
After she left Molly thanked me.

“I cannot thank you enough” I just nodded.
“Why Frank didn’t tell me this?”
“He was protecting her”
“Maybe he does not have an idea how to be a parent after all”
“He’s trying his best” Even then I defended Frank.
Molly just looked serious.
“Thanks”
“It’s okay. I think is actually the best for her”
“You would be a good dad you know?” I felt something warm inside me.
“That’s probably the nicest thing someone said to me lately” I said honestly.
She just smiled.

Rose was definetely grounded.

The day after that I got early to the studio, Frank was already there, he confronted me, he had found out about me telling Molly and got really upset with me, he yelled at me, he actually looked a lot like Rose when she was upset.

Hysteric mother plus hysteric father.
Result highly hysteric daughter.

“It wasn’t your problem, Gerard”
“It has nothing to do with you, it was about Rose” I answered him, very calm and controlled.
“Only you permit that kind of behavior which by the way, is wrong”
“Oh, right I forgot you had a master in parenting!” He just left me there. I took a deep breath and tried to relax.

That day at the tudio things where weird and uneasy.
Frank was upset at me. I was upset at Frank for yelling after trying to help, for kssing me and then called it a horrible mistake. For his existence and how he always got into my again.
The guys could felt the tension between the two of us as well.

“Gerard, ehm is evrything okay with...” Mikey asked me after a while
“Don’t even mention his name”
“I guess there is a problem”
Ray called me leaving my brother in wonder.
“Gerard, listen to this” He played a tune, I recognise the song I had written a while ago. It was called The only hope for me is you.
It was about Frank, of course, fucking Frank, but the lyrics were great and the music sounded cool.
“I like it” I said with not much enthusiasm.

“What´s that song?” Frank said annoyed.
“The only hope for me is you”
Ray said to Frank taking off the headphones. The music was playing loud.
“I haven´t been involve in this one. When this song came up?”
“A while ago”. Said Bob.
“If you have come yesterday you would have been involved” Ray told him standing to face him and clearly annoyed.
“It’s going to be mixed soon. Do you wanna hear it, you can add parts. Rob loves it by the way” He told the last thing to me.
Frank listened the song thought the headphones
“You wrote it?” He asked me raising an eyebrow.
“Yes G and I put it together yesterday” Ray said
“Okay...and...it´s going to be in the album or what?”
“I think so. I really like it. And we can add some cool keyobrads stuff..I mean...”
“It´s too romantic”. Frank didn’t let Ray finished
“Well, yeah. Mikey came from behind me, but I like it too. I already have the bass part". Ray nodded. “They are freaking cool”

“The only hope for me it´s you...” Frank said again. “It’s too cheesy”
“You wrote it?” He looked at me raising his eyebrow. I just nodded.
“I just said that” Ray said again, loosing his patience. ”Gerard wrote it!”

I was tired of everything. After Frank and I kiss, I was tired of being after him. I mean he kissed me and he pushed me away. He can not play with me like that.
I was not his fucking toy.
So the little bomb inside me started its countdown.

“Why? Is there a problem with it?” I asked.

10
9
8

He looked at the lyrics again. "The lyrics are too cheesy and predictable"
“You already said that” Ray said.

7
6
5

“Does this really reflect us..?”
Bob thought for a second.
“I think it does....There are some kick ass phrases and it´s kind of doing an antiwar statement...”
Ray nodded.
“What’s wrong Frank?” Mikey asked.

4
3

He looked at the paper again, his face said everything: He didn´t like the song.
“I don`t like it, at all”
He didn’t like the song I wrote for him, about him. The song wasn’t even that romantic, maybe the chorus. But he didn’t like it; of course we always have to do what he said.

2
1
Boom

“It's about love” I finally said.
“Do you remeber what love is like?” All the guys including Frnak looked at me.
He rolled his eyes.
“I do, but I don´t think this represent us in this moment. What it represent for you Bob?” He didn´t give him time to answer. “To you Mikey? Ray? For me nothing I can tell" He was upseting me more, making stupid excuses to kill the song.
“I don´t like it, that´s all. It’s not a crime”
“What about me? Why don´t you ask me??”
He remained silence.
“I´ll tell what the fucking song it’s about” .He kept on looking at me with a blank expression-.
“YOU!” I screamed.
“The song is about you!!!!”
“Gerard...” Mikey put his arm on my shoulder but I shook it off... the whole room was petrified.
“You...it´s all about you....Fuck Frank are you blind or what?!!!” He was motionless.
“I’m tired of this shit! It wasn’t a mistake Okay?
“How dare you to kiss me and then said that is a mistake, you even were that drunk”
No one dared to say anything. Frank was blushing.
“ You didn’t took advantege of me, I was on top, you idiot!”
“OKAY, that’s enough” It was Ray.
I just left the room in a storm, leaving a very confusing group of people inside. As I was leaving I heard screams, but I didn´t care I just left, after driving in circles for a couple of hour s,I arrived home.

I was tired of being love sick for him, of always suffering waiting for his next move to plan mine. Everyone in the band incluying Rose had notice that I was practically licking the floor he stood on.
Was he blind or was pretending to be blind?
Then He kissed me and pretended like nothing happen.
Anger rose inside me not only at him but at me also, for allowing this to happen again.
Love him again, suffer for him.
It was enough.
I need to get away from him, I need to built my life back. I didn’t remember the last time I though about myself to think since he came back. Everything was about him.
I needed to find me again and stop living for him.
I loved him, that was true, and it hurt to love him so much. But it was also true that we didn’t have a future together. He didn´t love me back, he didn´t want to.
A coward.
I kick out a chair.
“Fuck!!!!”
He was always was going to be afraid of us. Of being together and I had to accept the fact that he couldn’t love me back.
I deserved to love someone who loved me back the same. I deserved some respect.

The day he kissed me he told that he always wanted to from the moment he met me.
What stop him for about 5 years?
I liked him from the moment I saw him, I didn’t know what it was until moths before we started to date, because we always had a connection that was special. He didn’t do anything because he was afraid. And I was tired.
I was going to do the one thing I was afraid by in that moment.

Being without him.

The next day I talk with Mikey, Ray, Bob and Brian, I told them the true and they understand.
I call an airline and reserve a ticket to Tokyo.
One way no return.