Discovering the Past

It had been two days since my outburst in the studio.
I looked at the ticket one more time, thinking if it was a wise decision.
After all I was running away from him, from everything. This time I was decided to let him go, for good. Since my flight left that night, was getting everything ready.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.
“Yes?” I ylled form my positon.

No answer.
Another knock

“Better not be a seller” I went to open the door.

Shit...

“Can we talk?” Frank looked at me with sorry and ashamed eyes. Normally I‘d have fallen for those eyes, but I was decided this time. For some reason he looked smaller than normal.

“About what?” I asked leaning on the door frame and crossing my arms over my chest.
“I think you know about what” He said scratching his head. I thought for a moment.
“Please?”I just sighed and entered the house, leaving the door open.

He entered and closed it behind him. My heart started to beat faster and faster, I could not deny that I was excited, even if I didn’t want to be. That was the worst thing, even if I didn’t want it, I still loved him. My heart beat for him and I hated it.

Trying to ignore the pumping of my heart, I went to the couch in the leaving room, I was choosing some albums to take with me and there was a small suitcase on the floor.
“Gerard..I..”
“What? You what?” I asked annoyed. There was a small hope inside me that he’ll say that he loved me too.
“I don´t know what to say”
“Then why did you come? You’re unbelievable” I sighed in exasperation putting more albums inside the suitcase.
“Are you playing stupid or are you really stupid?”

Since the first time we had troubles, back in the days, my biggest defense against him was insulting him. It was a way to release my anger against him and at myself. This time after all these year, it was the same. I’m not saying is the best way to release frustration but was the only thing that worked for me.

He just remained silence. Suddenly his eyes dropped ton my suitcase
“What’ that?”
“A suitcase, now you´re retarded too?”
I knew it was wrong to insult him, act acting like a jerk. He wasn’t protesting either, he knew that I was angry at him and that when I got angry and act like an asshole.

“For what?”
“I´m taking a holiday...” I said.
“A holiday? You don’t work, why are you taking a holiday?”
“I’m taking a holiday from you” I said bluntly, I didn’t looked at him, I couldn’t.
“I need to go away and clear my mind”. I said scratching my head.
“You can´t just leave!” He confronted me “What about the record!” Panic raising in his voice.
“We still need more songs and...” He thought for a moment, looking for more excuses. “You can’t leave just like that”
“I´ve already talked with the rest of the guys and explained the situation” I said very calmly.
“What situation?” He asked, playing dumb. “You, running away from the album?”
“No. The situation where I´m in love with you” I said rolling my eyes.
He felt silence.
“And that in order to get over you once for all, I need to be away form you...”
“Gerard...”
He tried to find the right words.
“You’re just confused, that’s all. We are friends, best friends” He smiled a little at the end.
“I don’t want to be only your friend anymore” I said it slowly, I wanted him to understand. He seemed to be blocking the whole the situation, protecting himself in the “only friends” excuse.

“I want to be more, I need to be more. And for moths I’ve loved you, waiting for the right moment to tell you” He looked crushed by my declaration. “But that moment is never going to come, isn’t it?”
I didn’t notice that my voice wasn’t an angry one anymore, but a sad one. I noticed this when I saw Frank expression, he was about to cry.
“Please don’t tell me that you never noticed that I was interested in you again?”
He didn’t respond, which upset me again.
“You can’t just leave” Was the only thing he said. Over and over again.
“I need to get away Frank, how am I going to forget you if I see you everyday, if I see your smile and your eyes...” I couldn’t continue.
By then he was crying. ”You can´t leave”. He repeated it again.
“Why?! Tell me one good reason” I stood in front of him. He looked at me, his eyes had something more...

A new wave of final hope embrace me, lift me up and gave courage.
“Tell me” I dared him, going a little bit closer. The spark of hope started to grown inside me when I notice that he was hesitant. There was something he was thinking and didn’t want to say it.
“Why should I stay?” We were so close that I could felt his breath.
“Because...”
“Why...” I was almost whispering and he was frozen as I was talking to his ear.
“Because, you...”
“Yes?”
“You´re my best friend ... and we are making an album” He said with little conviction.

All the hope I had went to the floor, I just made an exasperated sound. In that moment I realize Frank and I didn’t have a future, the relationship was broken, was over; I had been stupid enough to believe that something would happen. Until that moment any doubt I had about my trip, disappeared.

“That´s not good enough”
“Gerard, listen...” He tried to star again.
“No. You should go, my flight leaves tonight and I had plenty to do” I went to my suitcase again.
“Where are you going?” He cleaned the tears.
“Away” I answered him without enthusiasm, all I wanted to do right then was to leave and never come back.
I just wished I could rip out my heart, stop the pain. But I couldn’t.

“You´re not even going to tell me!!!!” He panicked again
“This is ridiculous” I didn’t answered him back.
“When you´re coming back?”
I just shrunken my shoulders and kept on putting the albums inside the suitcase.
“Please don´t leave”. He insisted. “I need you; you’re my best friend and I having troubles now and...”
“Don’t be selfish, I need to do this...”I said very calmed to my surprise; I just wanted to be at peace.
“You´re my best friend...” He tried again
“Frank, I´m tired please leave”
“You can’t leave; you’re my best friend...”
“Listen, by now, I don´t even know if you keep saying that because you’re so selfish that don´t care that I´m suffering seeing you everyday or just to have a shouder to cry on or...” I thought for a second. “That you really love me too but you´re to much of a coward to admit it” I said defiant and secure.
“But I really don´t care anymore” I just shook my head and took a deep breath. “This was the last time I tried. I´m tired”
“I´m sorry” He said in a small voice. I went closer to him again and took his face in my hands forcing him to look at me.
“The problem is that you’re always going to be a coward”. Tears rolled even more. “And I can’t wait for you anymore, I have a life to live” I gave him a kiss on the front and went to the door and opened for him. He looked devastated.
“Frank, I know you and I know you have the strength enough to fight any demon or problem you may have, with Rose or with your insecurities” I looked at him. “You used to be brave and bold, I admired you for that, and I know that punk rock kid is still there somewhere inside you” I smiled at him.

He just nodded and left.
I close the door behind him for some reason I felt a lift out of my back and sadness inside my heart.