Driving Backwards

Gabe touched the glass, the coldness seeping through his fingertips and palm. Though it was uncomfortable, he didn't pull away. He left his hand there, lingering by the window and taking in the radiating freezing air.

Outside, it was snowing. The flakes were falling down to the ground gently and dusted everything in sight. It was the good kind of snow; the beautiful fluffy form the children rushed to play in. There were many out then, in fact, making snowmen and snow angels.

Gabe hated snow. He always had. It was wet and made everything gross. It was a nuisance to scrap out of driveways and off of windshields. Despite this, he had a certain urge to run outside and play in it. Except, he didn't want to go by himself. He never wanted to be alone anymore.

It had been a week since he had last spoken to William Beckett. He had left his house on his birthday with a heavy heart, wishing that he had never met the much younger boy. He was pissed at everyone: himself, for feeling the way he did, William, for appearing to return these feelings, his grandmother, for making him move to the Chicago in the first place.

See, Gabe had realized that day that he felt too strongly too quickly. He was already falling, and fast. The boy had enchanted him with his crooked smile and honest eyes. He had only known the kid for a few days and he was feeling like he wanted to be with him all the time. Normally, he'd lure the guy into his house and do explicit things to him, but he knew that he couldn't do that. It wasn't right. Not being in a real relationship for quite some time was fucking with his head. He didn't know how to approach dating anymore. He wanted to ask Bill out, but he just... couldn't.

Knowing that Bill probably felt the same way was even worse. Bill was a pubescent teenager filled with hormones. He had seen someone that attracted his physically and wanted them. He wasn't ready for a mature relationship, and quite frankly, neither was Gabe. Gabe was shit at that romantic bullshit. Plus, as far as he knew, Bill had never been with another guy before. He was a complete guy virgin. Gabe knew he'd end up taking things to fast and scarring the kid for life. He didn't want that to happen.

So, his solution had been simple: stay away. He had ignored all of Bill's calls and had only been out of the house to get his abuela's medication. He was being a hermit, sitting on his bed across from the chair with the purple jacket draped over it. He wouldn't allow himself to touch the jacket, let alone allow himself to take in the sweet scent of the boy who had worn it for a month straight in pure admiration.

He was making it harder on himself, he knew, but he simply couldn't help being a masochist. He couldn't allow himself to simply forget about William. He thought about him every waking moment of his conscienceness. His image was indented completely in his mind, replaying like a song on repeat. He just couldn't help himself.

He sighed, his hot breath hitting the window and making it fuzz for a moment. The vapor slowly vanished, though, the cold taking over once more. The stupid cold. If it weren't for the cold, he never would have given Bill his jacket in the first place. The whole stupid meeting wouldn't have even fucking happened if not for the cold.

He pressed his lips to the cool icy surface for a split second, his lips leaving a small mark. He watched as that too disappeared as if it never happened. Maybe if he buried away every surface of Will, it would disappear too. Maybe if he left things alone long enough, his heart would become numb, just as his hand had on the window.

Letting his hand drop from the surface, he let his head fall as well, staring onto the wooden surface that was beneath his feet. He knew what he had to do. He scuffled over to the chair where the purple jacket still hung and picked it up, feeling the fabric in his fingers. He closed his eyes, and blindly threw it into his closet. He didn't need it anymore.

In his heart, he knew that was a lie.

* * * *

Bill sat on the concrete, back against the wall with his eyelids threatening to close. He couldn't help it; he just felt so... tired.

"Bill! What the fuck dude, wake up," Sisky said, shaking his shoulder.

Bill sat up immediately, blinking. "Sorry, sorry," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands.

"Dude, do you even sleep anymore?" Adam questioned, raising an eyebrow.

William reminded himself to just drive himself home from now on instead of waiting for Mike. He didn't need this questioning bullshit. "Not really," he replied off handedly.

"What do you do? I know you don't ever do your homework. So what's been up?" Sisky asked.

Bill shrugged. "Nothing," he lied. Honestly, what was he supposed to say? He wasn't about to tell him that he just couldn't fall asleep anymore without being completely and utterly exhausted first. His body was physically exhausted, but mentally, his brain was swirling with so many thoughts that it was impossible to get a second of rest. He was a walking zombie and had been for nearly a week.

Gabe hadn't answered any of his calls. After the fifth time, he got it. Gabe no longer wanted anything to do with him.

It had been a mistake to think he had in the first place. He should have never thought that they might be able to have something special. Gabe was five years older. He was far more mature and had seen so much more in the world. He had much more experience than he maybe ever would. They were so different, perhaps just too different. Gabe was tan and mysterious; Bill was pale and up front. Gabe didn't want to hang out with a stupid naive kid. He especially didn't need to have a relationship with one.

Bill wasn't even sure if that's what he wanted. He'd never had feelings for a guy before; so this was completely new to him. He hadn't known how to act or what to say, and now, he had completely scared Gabe away forever. He had ruined everything they could have had. He was just so fucking done with wishing Gabe was still here.

"Ya right," Sisky stated, poking his best friend's side. "What is it? Mom being a bitch? Courtney? Your sister always was a real-"

"It's nothing," Bill cut him off. "I'm serious. Don't worry about it."

Sisky rolled his eyes. "Ya fucking right. I'm your best friend. It's my job to worry, okay? Now spill."

Bill sighed, rubbing his sweating palms on the front of his jeans. "It's Gabe," he answered softly.

Sisky's face softened. Even though he believed Gabe was incredibly drop dead gorgeous, he knew he was Bill's property. "What'd he do?"

Bill rested his head on his knees. "Just didn't answer any of my calls. I totally freaked him out when I was drunk. I like, made him sleep in my bed and shit. It was awful," he confessed.

Sisky pursed his lips. "Maybe. Or maybe he's just dealing with his feelings for you. His lust is becoming too much for your forbidden relationship," he alluded.

"What the fuck?! Have you been stealing your mom's romance novels again?"

"... No."