The Diary Of Jane

My name is Tyler Zealman, there's really nothing interesting about me. I've got brown hair, brown eyes - boring, boring, boring.

But theres one thing in my life that I'm proud of - her name is Jane Crossley. I've known her since we were in first grade. She's a really amazing person and I love her a lot, even though I know she probably doesn't think the same of me. We both go to Fischer Academy in some little town in South Dakota that if you hear its weather being broadcasted, everyone celebrates.

12/1/08
Its the first day of advent! (: I cannot possibly wait for Christmas because I'm going to get Tyler something special this year. We're going off to different schools after this year is over because I'm moving to California. :( I still cant believe Mom and Dad want to go to Californa. SD is fine! Ughh.

So anyway, I can't believe I'm finally opening up about Tyler. I've just figured out that I love him because we're both really weird... haha. Well maybe not just that. I'm going to miss him a lot when I leave.

"Hey Jane," I said to her as we're walking to math together, because thats the class we're both in. "Hows it going?"

"It's fine." She looked so depressed and I just wanted to hold her, but I couldn't because it would probably get really awkward.

"You don't look so great." I stared at her worriedly.

"Don't worry about it." Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the hall. Instinctively, we turned towards each other. It was as if no one else was in the hall.

"Um... I've got something to confess," we both said at the same time. I broke off and gave her a hesitant smile. "You go first."

"Okay." She took a deep breath. "Actually two things. The first is - well, I love you Tyler."

It was as if time stopped, along with my heart. My ears were ringing. I couldn't tell if it was in a good way. "No way. I love you too Jane. I can't believe it!"

Her face broke into the first real smile I've seen in weeks. "Really? When did you figure it out?"

"Around second grade or something." I laughed. "You?"

"A month ago. Or something." We continued walking and it was as if the ice had broken, which really it kind of was. I was so happy I felt lightheaded.

12/2/08
I havent told him yet. I know I should've said something when I told him I loved him, but I just couldn't. Maybe I should've been smarter and told him about moving to Cali before saying that. It would've made me feel better, and now I feel so guilty that I'm leaving. AHHHH I don't want to leave! D:

It's been three weeks since we both told each other those three special words. I'd never said it to anyone before and now I feel so great that Jane was my first. We hung out a lot, went to movies and concerts and stuff. My parents were really happy that we'd finally gotten together, they said they'd been expecting that years ago. I was embarrassed.

One night we were up in the tree in my front yard, talking about the stars with a constellation book in my arms.

"It's nice that theres not much city out here," I commented, glancing down at my book to check for the alignment of the Big Dipper. I was so bad at this, but I was just happy to be here with Jane.

"Yeah," she agreed, but I couldn't help noticing a trace of guilt in her voice. She hadn't been sad lately but I felt she was hiding something from me.

"What's wrong?" I closed the book and faced her as best as I could being squished in the branches.

"I've got something to tell you," she said softly. I took her hand and grinned encouragingly. Sighing, she whispered, "I'm moving. To California. At the end of the year."

My heart turned cold. My hands were so numb I didn't feel myself drop her hand. My head dropped back onto the leaves of its own accord and suddenly the twinkling stars didn't seem so lucky anymore.

12/23/08
I told him. I feel so horrible. He didnt say much afterward, just walked me home and left.

I'm packing. Leaving in eight days.

I stayed home the next day. I knew I should've taken advantage of the time I had left with Jane, but to be really honest I was broken. I didn't want to see her just before she left. I'd rather she didn't tell me she loved me at all, so I didn't have to go through all this pain.

She called me after school let out. "I want to come over."

"No." I didn't know my voice could be so firm after the whole day of not using it.

There was a pause. "Why?" she said, sounding hurt.

Something tightened in my chest but I ignored it. "Because you've hurt me already."

"I'm sorry!" Jane said. "How was I supposed to know it was going to turn out like this?"

"If you loved me, you wouldn't have done this to me." And I hung up, disattaching the phone cords from the walls.

12/24/08
Christmas Eve. And seven days left.

I'm too mad at Tyler. I can't believe he would blame it on me. He hurt me so much when he said that, it was like cutting the strings of all the balloons that have held us up since first grade. All at once. Floating away. Away. Gone. Its best for me if I don't see him again.

I didn't see Jane again. Today was Christmas. She'd mentioned she was going to get me something, but nothing turned up in my locker or arms the whole day. My mailbox was empty. My doorstep was bare. I knew that I'd screwed up big time but this ignorance was worse than anything. It send stabs of agony through my chest and out again. Over. And over. And over.

I got home. In the tree was the constellation book I'd left. From that night. I took it down.

I stared at the cover. Twinkling stars glowed back at me, frozen on the paper. Then, becoming so angry for no reason, except for that Jane was leaving for California in six days, I threw the book at the ground. I ripped out all the pages and burned them one by one in the fireplace.

12/25/08
Six days. I still haven't packed and I've tossed the present out the window. It had been a guitar, one that he would've wanted. It cost me six hundred dollars. I didn't care.

We had a warm soup for dinner. Mom and Dad were extra happy that we're leaving. They didn't want anymore freezing winters. I was going to miss it, making snow angels on the front lawn. Haha. Although how I can still laugh, I really don't know.

I saw her in the hallway on my way to math. It was quiet in my ears and empty by my side. When her blue eyes met mine for a nanosecond I looked away. I couldn't bear to see what was in them. Or maybe it was because I didn't want her to see what was in mine.

12/26/08
Maybe I should start to get excited to go to Cali. Theres nice beaches there.

I think she's starting to forget about me. She doesn't acknowledge me anymore, she doesn't call, even after I've reinstalled the phone cords. I miss her so much. I don't even know what my name is anymore or what day it is, I hole up in my room so much.

12/30/08
I'm checking everything. I've got everything I need. My room is empty. All the furnitures been thrown out or sold by Mom and Dad. The house is empty. I think its pretty funny. Oh, and I sleep on a little camp bed. (: Haha.

Once I'm done writing this I'm going to put it away. I'll reread everything when I get to Cali so I'll remember everything I had here! SD was fun, but maybe it is time for me to move on. (: I'll miss... everyone. <3, Jane

Today's the day Jane's leaving. I remember that much. I just can't bring myself to skip school and see her off at the airport.

It's math. The teacher drones on and on about something that I didn't study. I don't understand a thing that I'm saying. All I can think about is how horrible it feels to have an empty seat next to me, how the girl who used to sit there didn't talk to me for what felt like years, and now she was leaving to California and I wasn't there to say goodbye.

I shot out of my seat. My lungs were screaming, I was running so fast. I wasn't old enough to catch my own cab, I didn't even have enough money. The longer I ran, the more I felt alive, the more I felt that I really loved Jane and that I should be doing this for her. For her.

In half an hour I skidded to a stop at the airport. I was so tired. My legs felt like giving out, but I wasn't about to give up. I felt woozy and tired but I tried to focus my eyes enough to read the listing. Everything was a blur to me. I stumbled along the terminals after being quickly checked by security and 'explaining my situation.'

I saw terminal 4A. I heard a silence I'd been hearing forever. I felt the hole in my heart where Jane used to be, but now was on her way to California without a second thought of me.