Strawberries
It Broke?
I don't know what's killing me more, the fact that you got Rory pregnant, or the fact that I never noticed it before. It's got to have been months. You've been openly dating her for almost three months, but who knows how long you've been seeing her before that? Though I don't really look at the girls you bring home. I just can't believe I was so stupid.
And then, that night, you're cuddling with me on the couch, my head in your lap and you stroking my hair and I'm not even thinking about any of it. These moments never last long though, no matter how much I wish they would. I lift my head away and then lean into your side. It's good to spend the night with you, watching T.V. late at night while you rub my back or run your hand through my hair. Even if it doesn't last.
I only think of the baby again when I'm getting ready for bed. I can't help but wonder what you'll name her, what she'll look like.... and if she'll ever know of her father's past.
"Were you ever planning on telling me?" I hear myself asking.
"About what?"
"Rory."
"You've known about her."
"No. I mean the fact that she's carrying a kid."
Your eyes go wide. I nod. "I saw you at the hospital with her."
"When?"
"The other day."
"You followed me?!"
I shrug. "Maybe."
"Why?"
I shrug again. "Were you planning on telling me?" I ask, feeling the before-stages of tears.
You look down. Now you shrug. "Is the kid yours?"
"I... I don't know."
"You don't know? What, is Rory cheating on you? That'd be interesting." I hide the hurt I'm feeling behind a smart comment. I wonder what excuse you'll use this time. How could you do this?
"Nick. I'm sorry." You look at me with solemn eyes. Sorry, that's it? All you can say?
"I guess it's true, then?"
You just barely nod. "I'm so sorry, Nick. I didn't mean for it to go that far."
"I thought she was just so other people wouldn't find out about us," I whimper, looking down at my lap, even though I know she wasn't and that there is no 'us'.
"I... Nick... she was," you stutter. "But... we got drunk one night and we just..."
"Save it," I growl as I stand up. "You obviously have no care for me. You can go to Rory's house and fuck her all you want now."
"Nick!" you cry desperately, and reach to grab my arm. I spin around and hiss at you. "Don't touch me. Just leave me alone, Joe. I can't believe you did this to me. I thought you loved me."
"I do!" You jump off the couch and cling to my arm. "You have no idea how much I do! The kid was an accident! She was never supposed to be conceived!"
"So it's a girl. You already know? Have you named her too?"
You just stare at me, opening and closing your mouth, but not finding anything to say. "I'm so sorry," you say again like a stupid parrot. "It really wasn't supposed to happen.... but it was too late to get an abortion -"
"So what are you going to do with it?"
You look down. "I don't know," you squeak. I wrench my arm out of your grip.
"Leave me alone, Joe."
"Nick!" You step towards me and I growl and shove you away. For a minute, you're stunned. "It's not like that..."
"Not like what? You cheating on me and getting Rory pregnant?"
"It--it was an accident!"
"Ever heard of condoms? And don't even try to tell me it broke."
You gulp and just look at me with wide, sad eyes. "I'm so sorry, Nick. I'll never be able to make this up to you."
"Yeah," I say harshly. "You won't."
A long silence.
"What are you gonna do with it? The kid."
You look completely helpless. It's a nice change. "I don't know. Rory doesn't want her, so we might just put her up for adoption..."
"Good," I snarl. "You're not fit to be a father anyway."
"What do you know about childcare?" But then you stop. "I'm sorry."
"You're always 'sorry.' But you're never sorry." I pull my arm away from you again. You don't know what to say.
"Nick," you whimper. I glare at you.
"Just go away, Joe. I don't want to see you right now."
"Nick-"
"Go away, Joe!" I say again, falling to the ground. I pull my knees to my chest and curl up in a tight ball. You sit next to me and I feel your hand on my back. You whisper something in my ear and kiss the top of my head like it'll make it all better. I bend my arm and jab my elbow into your side. You yelp and pull away from me. "Don't touch me!" I shout.
"Nick..."
"Just go."
I think you're getting the message that I don't want you here. You get up off the floor. You look down at me and touch my head. I don't move. Without a word, I hear your footsteps shuffle out of the room.
And then, that night, you're cuddling with me on the couch, my head in your lap and you stroking my hair and I'm not even thinking about any of it. These moments never last long though, no matter how much I wish they would. I lift my head away and then lean into your side. It's good to spend the night with you, watching T.V. late at night while you rub my back or run your hand through my hair. Even if it doesn't last.
I only think of the baby again when I'm getting ready for bed. I can't help but wonder what you'll name her, what she'll look like.... and if she'll ever know of her father's past.
"Were you ever planning on telling me?" I hear myself asking.
"About what?"
"Rory."
"You've known about her."
"No. I mean the fact that she's carrying a kid."
Your eyes go wide. I nod. "I saw you at the hospital with her."
"When?"
"The other day."
"You followed me?!"
I shrug. "Maybe."
"Why?"
I shrug again. "Were you planning on telling me?" I ask, feeling the before-stages of tears.
You look down. Now you shrug. "Is the kid yours?"
"I... I don't know."
"You don't know? What, is Rory cheating on you? That'd be interesting." I hide the hurt I'm feeling behind a smart comment. I wonder what excuse you'll use this time. How could you do this?
"Nick. I'm sorry." You look at me with solemn eyes. Sorry, that's it? All you can say?
"I guess it's true, then?"
You just barely nod. "I'm so sorry, Nick. I didn't mean for it to go that far."
"I thought she was just so other people wouldn't find out about us," I whimper, looking down at my lap, even though I know she wasn't and that there is no 'us'.
"I... Nick... she was," you stutter. "But... we got drunk one night and we just..."
"Save it," I growl as I stand up. "You obviously have no care for me. You can go to Rory's house and fuck her all you want now."
"Nick!" you cry desperately, and reach to grab my arm. I spin around and hiss at you. "Don't touch me. Just leave me alone, Joe. I can't believe you did this to me. I thought you loved me."
"I do!" You jump off the couch and cling to my arm. "You have no idea how much I do! The kid was an accident! She was never supposed to be conceived!"
"So it's a girl. You already know? Have you named her too?"
You just stare at me, opening and closing your mouth, but not finding anything to say. "I'm so sorry," you say again like a stupid parrot. "It really wasn't supposed to happen.... but it was too late to get an abortion -"
"So what are you going to do with it?"
You look down. "I don't know," you squeak. I wrench my arm out of your grip.
"Leave me alone, Joe."
"Nick!" You step towards me and I growl and shove you away. For a minute, you're stunned. "It's not like that..."
"Not like what? You cheating on me and getting Rory pregnant?"
"It--it was an accident!"
"Ever heard of condoms? And don't even try to tell me it broke."
You gulp and just look at me with wide, sad eyes. "I'm so sorry, Nick. I'll never be able to make this up to you."
"Yeah," I say harshly. "You won't."
A long silence.
"What are you gonna do with it? The kid."
You look completely helpless. It's a nice change. "I don't know. Rory doesn't want her, so we might just put her up for adoption..."
"Good," I snarl. "You're not fit to be a father anyway."
"What do you know about childcare?" But then you stop. "I'm sorry."
"You're always 'sorry.' But you're never sorry." I pull my arm away from you again. You don't know what to say.
"Nick," you whimper. I glare at you.
"Just go away, Joe. I don't want to see you right now."
"Nick-"
"Go away, Joe!" I say again, falling to the ground. I pull my knees to my chest and curl up in a tight ball. You sit next to me and I feel your hand on my back. You whisper something in my ear and kiss the top of my head like it'll make it all better. I bend my arm and jab my elbow into your side. You yelp and pull away from me. "Don't touch me!" I shout.
"Nick..."
"Just go."
I think you're getting the message that I don't want you here. You get up off the floor. You look down at me and touch my head. I don't move. Without a word, I hear your footsteps shuffle out of the room.