Strawberries

I’m still sitting on the couch where you left. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here. Suddenly I feel so alone. I don’t want you to leave me. As much of an ass I’ve been to you and as much as you’ve hurt me… I want you to stay. You’re all I have.

Great… I feel the tears coming on. I stare forward at the blank TV screen.

I press my face into my hands and just let myself cry. I can’t imagine life without you… we’ve been together for so long. Even before we were together, we lived together. How am I supposed to live away from you?

I hear your footsteps start down the stairs. I stand up off the couch and meet you in the hallway before you open the front door. “Don’t leave me!” I gasp, wrapping my arms around you.

You push me away from you. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Jay, please. Don’t leave me. I’m sorry. Please. I can’t live without you.”

“Yes you can,” you say, looking down at the floor. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Joe, don’t say that! I’ve been thinking and I forgive you. I won’t be able to survive without you. I mean that honestly. Please don’t leave.” I look right into your eyes. And I mean all of this, Joe. I really do.

You shake your head. “I just need to forget about all of this for a while. And the only way to do that is to not see you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“How can you still even bear to look at me after what I did?”

“I… I don’t know. But we were happy together before all this. I don’t know what happened to you, but I can tell you’re trying to change now. And I just want my Jay back.” I almost start crying at the end. I hug you again and I never want to let you go.

You shake your head and push me away from you. “Nick. I’m sorry. I need to leave. I just need to get away from all of this for a while.”

“So this is it?” I ask, my voice cracking. “You put me through all this and now you’re just going to leave?”

You look at me solemnly. "I'm so sorry, Nick. I have to."

Before I can beg you anymore, you scurry out the door. I watch you, teary eyed as you hurry down the steps. I want to call after you, but I can't will myself to open the door.

I scream and punch the wall next to me, pulling it back right after it hits, writhing with pain.

Fucking stupid idiot, you drove him away!

I try to unclench my hand and cradle it in the not injured one, tears sliding down my cheeks. Fuck, you're really leaving me. I'm going to be alone for the first time in my life. And I'm the one that drove you away. I just had to be such a fucking dick. Even if you deserved it.I don't deserve you.

I won't make it without you.

I slam my other fist into the wall, making a dent. I scream again as I pull my fist back.

I stagger into the bedroom, looking around. Most of your things are already packed in suitcases. You're really leaving.

I stumble back down into the kitchen. My body seems to be on autopilot.

My fault, my fault, my fault.

I tear open the silverware drawer and pick one of the bladed knives. I push my sleeve up my arm and drag the blade quickly across my wrist, cringing. Blood surfaces on the skin right away, and I cross the cut with another one. I grip the arm with my hand, blood seeping out between the fingers as I drop the knife to the floor. I'm too much of a mess to even think.

I rip a towel off the roll and wrap it around my wrist, clutching it tightly. The blood soaks through, so I wrap another one, hissing from the pain. The blood soaks both towels. I hold them tightly onto the wound and trudge back up the stairs, tears blurring my vision. I go up to the bedroom and look around at your suitcases again, falling down onto the bed. I try to catch my breath, but it's a futile effort. I close my eyes and bury my face in a pillow, welcoming the dark blanket of sleep.

Something shakes me into consciousness. I groan and open my eyes slowly. You're standing over me, wide eyed. "Wake up, Nick!"

"Mrah," I grumble.

"W-what happened?" you ask right away. I raise my head and look at the blood on the sheet and all over my arm. I look back up at you, not saying anything. I shove my arm under a pillow.

"Nothing happened. I'm fine."

You glare at the blood on the bed, crouching down. My heart starts racing."You're not fine, Nick! What happened here?"

"Nothing happened to me!" I snap.

"Nick... there's blood on the sheet. Please, Nick, what happened to you?" You look at me with sad, begging eyes.

I shake my head. "Just go, Joe. Take your stuff and leave. That's what you wanted to do. You don't care about me."

You sit down on the bed. "Nick, come on. Sit up. Talk to me."

I will myself to sit up, keeping my wrist pressed against my leg.

"What do you mean, I don't care?"

"You haven't cared before this. You haven't cared about me before the other day. You've always just deserted me for other people. And that's why you're leaving."

"I... I thought you wanted me to stay?"

I press my head into my hands. "I don't even know! I just want to start this whole thing over."

You rest a hand on my back. "I'm willing to if you are."