Strawberries
Starting Over.
You cry into my shoulder and I just let you. I don’t have the heart to shove you away even though I want to.
You fall asleep like that, with your head on my shoulder. I gently lower your body onto the bed and put a blanket over you, leaving the room, to think.
I’d wanted the baby to live, to be honest. She didn’t deserve to die, but it’s already happened and nothing can be done.
I watch you for the next few days. I still don’t trust you, I still look for any evidence at all of you cheating on me again. I don’t find any, but it doesn’t convince me. Work is getting especially hard, with the movie deadline coming up soon, and it’s so exhausting to keep up with you and my career. I wish I could trust you. I want to, but I don’t and I can’t.
“Can’t we start over?” you keep asking me. “I realize what I did and I regret it so much!”
I shake my head and turn away from you. “I can’t. You hurt me too much.”
“Puh-please!” you whisper, but I walk away. I can’t deal with your apologies.
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I’m standing at the water cooler at work, staring at the water in my cup. It’s break time.
I head to the bathroom and hole myself up in a stall. I can’t concentrate today. Not with all of this on my mind. I rest my chin on my fists, sitting on the toilet. And just sitting in there, I let myself cry. About everything. Everything that’s happened in the past year. I cry for myself, I cry for Rory and her baby, and I cry for you.
Then, coming out of the stall, I dry my face with a paper towel and head back to the set. And when I need to cry for my scene, all I need to do is bring those thoughts back.
“You were great with that last scene. Great tears. It’s a keeper!” the director praises.
“They weren’t fake,” I mutter after he leaves.
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I turn away from you again, looking down at the floor.
“Nick!” you cry. “I’m going crazy with this! Please just give me a second chance! I’ll do anything to prove to you that I regret everything! I miss you, I love you.”
I close my eyes to prevent tears from falling at how sincere you sound. I turn back around. “Joe, I honestly don’t know. You hurt me and I won’t ever forget it.”
“I know Nick… but if you never give me a chance… just please? Can we just try?”
I stare at you. I search your face for any sign of you lying, but you’re looking right into my eyes with a truly solemn expression. I take a deep breath.
“Alright, Joe. We can try again.” I watch your face light up. “But you do anything wrong, and it’s over.”
You nod and throw yourself into my arms. I pat your back gently, wrinkling my nose with horrible confusion.
You fall asleep like that, with your head on my shoulder. I gently lower your body onto the bed and put a blanket over you, leaving the room, to think.
I’d wanted the baby to live, to be honest. She didn’t deserve to die, but it’s already happened and nothing can be done.
I watch you for the next few days. I still don’t trust you, I still look for any evidence at all of you cheating on me again. I don’t find any, but it doesn’t convince me. Work is getting especially hard, with the movie deadline coming up soon, and it’s so exhausting to keep up with you and my career. I wish I could trust you. I want to, but I don’t and I can’t.
“Can’t we start over?” you keep asking me. “I realize what I did and I regret it so much!”
I shake my head and turn away from you. “I can’t. You hurt me too much.”
“Puh-please!” you whisper, but I walk away. I can’t deal with your apologies.
--------------------
I’m standing at the water cooler at work, staring at the water in my cup. It’s break time.
I head to the bathroom and hole myself up in a stall. I can’t concentrate today. Not with all of this on my mind. I rest my chin on my fists, sitting on the toilet. And just sitting in there, I let myself cry. About everything. Everything that’s happened in the past year. I cry for myself, I cry for Rory and her baby, and I cry for you.
Then, coming out of the stall, I dry my face with a paper towel and head back to the set. And when I need to cry for my scene, all I need to do is bring those thoughts back.
“You were great with that last scene. Great tears. It’s a keeper!” the director praises.
“They weren’t fake,” I mutter after he leaves.
--------------------
I turn away from you again, looking down at the floor.
“Nick!” you cry. “I’m going crazy with this! Please just give me a second chance! I’ll do anything to prove to you that I regret everything! I miss you, I love you.”
I close my eyes to prevent tears from falling at how sincere you sound. I turn back around. “Joe, I honestly don’t know. You hurt me and I won’t ever forget it.”
“I know Nick… but if you never give me a chance… just please? Can we just try?”
I stare at you. I search your face for any sign of you lying, but you’re looking right into my eyes with a truly solemn expression. I take a deep breath.
“Alright, Joe. We can try again.” I watch your face light up. “But you do anything wrong, and it’s over.”
You nod and throw yourself into my arms. I pat your back gently, wrinkling my nose with horrible confusion.