Hope Begins to Fade

“So, what song are we doing?” I questioned as Serenity ran to me. Picking her up, I watched Matt as he thought.

“Well, what one do you think?” he gazed around the near-empty venue. Workers bustled around, cleaning and setting up before the fans got here.

“Hm…” I paused, poking Serenity on the nose, “which one do you think, baby?” Serenity was now five and a half. She’s grown so much. At every one of the practices, Serenity insists on having a front-row seat. As obsessed with the band as her momma is.

“Franklin!” she cheered, I was surprised she’d remembered the title.

“Really?” Matt walked over, kissing the top of her head, “why that one?”

“’Cause mommy sounds pwetty!” she smiled.

“Your momma always sounds pretty, darling.” Brian smirked, playing with his guitar while he joined our circle.

“So, what do ya say? Wanna practice it?” Matt asked.

“Sure, why not?” I smiled, setting Serenity down. She ran over to one of the low speakers Matt always jumped on and sat down, swinging her legs. “Ready guys?” I turned around to eye the band. Zacky gave Jaz a sweet kiss then joined us. Jimmy was, of course, ready at the drums. Johnny and Brian quit their talking at stood, ready for the cue to go. Matt didn’t really have a major part in this song. The chorus and ending with me but he was still waiting. Besides, he was the one to count us off. “A little before-show practicing never hurt anyone!” I declared, nodding at Matt who smiled at me then counted us off…

And when we get home, I know we won't be home at all
This place we live, it is not where we belong
And I miss who we were in the town that we could call our own
Going back to get away after everything has changed

Matt came in with the chorus and I switched to background…

'Cause you remind me of a time when we were so alive
(Everything has changed)
Do you remember that? Do you remember that?
(Everything has changed)
'Could you help me push aside all that I have left behind
(Everything has changed)
Do you remember that? Do you remember that?

I smiled at Brian as he slowly played the notes.

So we stand here now and no one knows us at all
I won't get used to this
I won't get used to being gone
And going back won't feel the same if we aren't staying
Going back to get away after everything has changed

Serenity was smiling brightly, staring right at me, even when Matt came back in with the chorus…

'Cause you remind me of a time when we were so alive
(Everything has changed)
Do you remember that? Do you remember that?
(Everything has changed)
'Could you help me push aside all that I have left behind
(Everything has changed)
Do you remember that? Do you remember that?

I came back in, walking closer to Serenity.

Taking up our time
Taking up our time
Taking up our time
It's taking up our time we can't
go back, we can't go back at all
It's taking up our time we can't
go back, we can't go back at all
It's taking up our time we can't
go back, we can't go back at all
It's taking up our time, taking up our time

She now looked at Matt as he came in and I harmonized with him for the last line…

'Cause you remind me of a time when we were so alive
Do you remember that? Do you remember that?

Serenity clapped loudly, making the whole band laugh. “Yay!!” she cheered.

“So we should do that one tonight?” Matt asked her.

She shook her head, “Nope. I’ve already heard that one now.”

“So what one do we do?” Zacky inquired.

“I think I have just the one…” I told it to the guys who were so excited about it… “Alright, Serenity, time to go with Val and Jaz. Merch booth time!”

“Yes!” she giggled, running off with Val.

“I’ll see ya when it’s your time to come on.” Brian kissed me.

“Alright.” I said my goodbyes to the guys and we made our way to the merch booth.

The guys started playing about forty-five minutes ago. Merch has been selling like crazy and after all those magazine articles about Brian and my wedding, I was getting asked to take pictures with the fans who knew me. Most of them asked for ones with Serenity too, which made her feel like a movie star, she told me.

“Isn’t it around time for you to go up there?” Val asked. My stomach flipped. I’d nearly forgotten! “They said after they preformed God Hates Us.”

“Shit, I suppose so.”

“Mommy swore!” Serenity told Jaz.

“She seems to do that a lot.” Jaz commented, playfully glaring at me.

“Ah, shut it.” I bent down to Serenity, “Mommy’s gonna go sing now. You stay right here and watch. Alright?”

“What song!? What song!?”

“It’s a surprise.” I kissed her cheek and walked off, running to the side of the stage where Johnny helped me up.

“Alright everyone!” Matt screamed into the mic, his voice doing that badass crackling thing. Yeah, awesome. “We have a good friend here with us tonight, as she is every night.” He chuckled, “She’s gonna help us sing you guys a song. Give a warm welcome to Mrs. Scarlet Haner!” the crowd cheered as I made my way up to him, a mic being handed to me on the way. “Syn Gates beautiful wife, ladies and gentlemen.” More cheers and I smirked, hugging Matt as he chuckled, “Well, she used to do this all the time. Come up here and belt a song for all ya’ll. So, let’s not leave ya waiting.”

“Ya ready?” I called into my mic, gazing at the crowd then around at the band.

Zacky began strumming on his acoustic. Matt’s vocals came in shortly after. This time, the order was reversed; I was the one with the smaller part…

He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes
Starting making his way past two in the morning
He hasn't been sober for days

Leaning now into the breeze
Remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees
They had breakfast together
But two eggs don't last
Like the feeling of what he needs

Some fans recognized the song and cheered loudly.

Now this place seems familiar to him
She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin
She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs
Left him dying to get in

Brian took over for the chorus and Matt stepped back by me as I harmonized with my husband.

Forgive me, I'm trying to find
My calling, I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother
But have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm gonna ask her to marry me

Brian smiled right at me and the crowd screamed. Matt stepped back up, dead center as he sang the next verse. Zacky and Jimmy harmonized this time…

And even though she doesn't believe in love
He's determined to call her bluff
Who could deny these butterflies?
They're filling his gut

Waking the neighbors
Unfamiliar faces
He pleads though he tries
But he's only denied
Now he's dying to get inside

Brian took over the chorus again as I harmonized, searching the crowd and finding Serenity sitting on top of the table of the merch booth. Her eyes were again locked onto me. Her legs swung in front of her as she swayed to the beat.

Forgive me, I'm trying to find
My calling, I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother
But have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm gonna ask her to marry me

Matt took over again after a slight ‘aw’ was whispered into the mic.

The neighbors said she moved away
Funny how it rained all day
I didn't think much of it then
But it's starting to all make sense

I harmonized with Matt again, standing by Zacky for a few seconds and winking at him. Brian loudly came in with the guitar at this point, Johnny’s bass blaring too. Jimmy’s drumming soon was heard and I closed my eyes, letting the beauty of this take hold…

Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds
Are following me in my desperate endeavor
To find my whoever, whoever she may be

Now was my time. My verse kicked in, full force…

I'm not coming back (forgive me)
I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak (I'm not calling, I'm not calling)
But you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt
Now the rain is just (You're driving me crazy, I'm)
Washing you out of my hair

Jimmy harmonized with me, considering he was the only one in the band who got that kind of tone…

This next verse was my favorite, by far, and I belted it out, standing front and center stage as Matt stepped behind me…

And out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world
From so many thousands of feet off the ground
I'm over you now
I'm at home in the clouds
And towering over your head

Matt and I harmonized smoothly this next part; the cheers from the women in the crowd gave me power. I’d belted that last verse perfectly and almost instantly as I screamed, the women all took over the scene.

Well I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home

The cheers were loud as the song came to an end, just my voice, Matt’s voice, and Zacky’s light strums on the acoustic.

“Thank you, thanks everyone!” Matt called.

“It’s always nice working with my boys! I screamed. And give it up for The Rev for hitting those high notes.” I screamed, raising my hand to point to Jimmy who seriously blushed.

“Alright,” Matt breathed, handing me his water bottle which I gratefully took while gazing to the merch booth. Val was there. No Jaz and no Serenity. What the fuck? “We have a little surprise for Mrs. Gates.” I snapped my head in Matt’s direction. “Mrs. Vengeance will bring it on up here.” I turned to the side of the stage as Jaz walked Serenity up with her. She bounded over to me, hugging my knees. The crowd ‘aww’ed. “This is sadly our last song guys.” I shook my head sadly. “So, let’s make it one of the best, shall we? Mrs. Gates and little Gates can go on over there.” Matt pointed to a waving Brian. We made our way over and I still held the mic. Serenity got on her tip toes as Brian leaned forward, kissing her on the cheek. They’re adorable… “Ready Gates?”

“Yes sir.” He stood straight as Serenity stood beside me, looking over the crowd nervously.

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

I smiled after the first few lyrics, knowingly…

Dear God the only thing I ask of you
Is to hold her when I'm not around
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again

Matt came closer to us, the crowd singing along.

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
And all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

“I’m gonna have Mrs. Gates sing this one…” he called and I held the mic up, singing the oh-so-familiar lyrics to a song I’d heard more times than I can count…

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I'm not around,
When I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

I stopped, Matt taking over just for the music to pause. Everyone stopped playing but Jimmy, keeping the beat softly.

“You know, we’ve had this planned for weeks. Everything to the T.” Matt breathed, “Syn Gates is super happy with his wife and child, and the rest of Avenged Sevenfold is grateful to have each other still. We almost lost our brother,” we all eyed back to Jimmy, tears forming as I remembered everything about that horrible day… “But we survived. We thrive off of each other and I wouldn’t have it any other way. These are honestly the greatest group of people I know. Everyone’s so fucking supportive and loving. We have the greatest God damned fan-base and every other band is jealous. And they fucking should be. Ya’ll are amazing and we love you.” Jimmy’s beat was getting louder… “It’s been one wild ride with ya’ll…” Jimmy’s crescendo was growing until everyone joined in at the same time, playing the next verse as Matt sang…

Some search, never finding a way

My mind raced. All of the memories I had with every member of Avenged and their girls… I loved every moment of it. I wouldn’t give this feeling for the world…

Before long, they waste away

I gazed over to Serenity who stared at her daddy like he was the greatest. He stared right back at her the same way; fingers flying over the fret board…

I found you, something told me to stay

Gazing around more, I eyed everyone. Zacky; my best friend’s husband. Matt; the one I’ve known longest, who’s given me more chances than I deserved. Johnny; a man I’ve fucked up majorly with but he never stopped caring for me. Jimmy; my hero, the most amazing person I’ve ever met, beautiful inside and out.

I gave in, to selfish ways

Serenity clung to my leg, tightly. She gazed up at me with a huge smile on her pretty face. She’s gonna grow up wonderfully, I just know it. She’s gonna make something of herself; change this world and make something beautiful out of the horrid scenes that surround us…

And how I miss someone to hold

This is my life. My daughter. My friends. My husband. Who would have guessed that after all of this; the shit we’ve been through, it would all be sorted out in the end? They say there’s no such thing as fairytales. Well, I’m starting to disagree a little more every day…

When hope begins to fade...