Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands

“I’ll meet you at the therapist’s office?” Gabe asked as I dashed around the bedroom trying to get out of the apartment and not be late for work.

“Yes, I’ll see you there around 7?” I said as I found my other black flat that I was looking for.

“See you around 7,” He smiled from bed.

I grabbed a jacket and an umbrella, it was raining pretty hard today, and I was out the door. Thankfully I had put on some Wellies because the streets were streaming with water. It had been raining for a few days now and there were areas that were starting to flood.

Tonight was our first couple’s therapy session and I was really nervous. Things were better since the night of the fundraiser. We were still two ships passing in the night, but this was my busy season and Fall Out Boy were back in town to rework some tracks. But, it definitely wasn’t as tense as before, which was nice.

“Good Morning, Sadler,” Lucas said as I rushed in from the rain and into our building.

“Good Morning, Lucas,” I smiled and closed up my umbrella.

“So, have you finished reading my goals and plans yet?” He smirked. I was supposed to get it done last week, but I just hadn’t had the time, but I read it last night when I couldn’t sleep. I was thankful to have it off of my plate now.

“I actually read it last night,” I grinned. “I really like your plan for the college. I read it in a bought with insomnia.”

“Was it so boring you used it as a sleep aid? You’re very good with the compliment followed up quickly with the cut down,” He leaned against the banister of the stairs and chuckled a bit.

“No one likes a big head in higher education,” I shrugged and started to go up the stairs past him. I had a really busy day and I couldn’t be kept chit chatting.

“Would you care to have a business lunch with me today and actually discuss my plan and how you fit in,” He asked as he touched my arm that was on the banister. He looked up at me waiting for a response.

“Well, uh,” I was at a loss for words. Lucas’s touch on my arm caught me off guard. “I have a really busy day today, but maybe tomorrow?” I offered nervously.

I was sick. I really enjoyed his attention even if it was completely platonic, but it was more attention than I was getting at home. Attention that I craved from Gabe, but sadly didn’t get. I tried to give him as much attention as I could lately when we were actually home at the same time, but he didn’t seem to be reciprocating in the way he used to or the way I wanted him to. Instead I was imagining that my boss actually had interest in me and I relished the attention even if I didn’t let on to him. I also knew my boundaries and despite everything, I still loved Gabe. I loved Gabe with all my heart, but I still had needs that I had to humor.

“I’m going to keep you to that,” He kept his hand on my arm and it was a little much now. I took my hand off the banister and he took his hand back.

“Come by tomorrow, I’ll make time,” I smiled and scurried up the stairs to my office. I liked the attention, but sometimes it was too much. I didn’t want to cross that line.

I worked on some proposals and went and checked in on my orientation staff. I had one-on-ones with my group leaders today, they had done two programs already and things seemed to be going great. I loved going to the programs and seeing everyone excited about coming to school. I had to do the introduction of the program and be around for the few days, but I had staff in place to head it up. I was proud of them too. They were doing so well.

I had finished up my one on ones and hurried back to my office to grab my stuff and then meet Gabe. It had stopped raining which was nice. I got to my office and there was a note taped to my computer screen. I grabbed it off and opened it up.

Don’t forget lunch tomorrow. Bring a #2 pencil for the exam. – Lucas.

I smiled at the sentiment. I liked getting little notes and then I cursed myself because I was about to go to couple’s therapy.

I walked out of the building and made my way to the therapist’s office to meet Gabe. When I strolled up to the building Gabe was waiting for me. I was impressed.

“Hey, how was your day?” He asked giving me a kiss. This was what I needed and didn’t get enough of.

“It was good,” I nodded with a smile. “How was yours?” I asked and we started inside the building.

“It was unproductive. We ended up having to do a bunch of stuff at the label and with management and then I came here,” He was frustrated.

“I’m sorry,” I laced my fingers with his as we waited for the elevator.

“I’m kind of nervous for this,” Gabe started tapping his foot on the marble floor and watched as the numbers above the elevator lit up the numbers as it came down to the lobby.

“Me too, but it’s just us, right?” I winked and the elevator doors opened up for us.

“That’s true and scary at the same time,” He kept straightening and closing his fingers that were intertwined with mine and the tapping on the floor didn’t stop either. I don’t think I had ever seen him this nervous, well except when we were in the hospital.

When the elevator opened we were both sort of at a loss for what to do. Finally, I got off and pulled Gabe behind me. We knocked on the door and the therapist greeted us. I was waiting for a woman, but it was a man. I thought I had been directly talking to the therapist, Kelly McGrew, but it must have been his assistant. Not that there was anything wrong with it being a man, but I was just a little surprised.

“You must be Gabe and Sadler,” He smiled and ushered us in. I nodded.

“Sadler,” I put out my hand.

“Kelly,” He smiled warmly and Gabe introduced himself as well. “Please, sit,” He pointed to the couch behind us and we went to sit.

“So, we’re just gonna do some background work today and get a feel for what you guys want to work on, okay?” Kelly said as he crossed the room with a notebook, pen and a recorder. “I write down things for myself in the moment, but I also record to listen later, is that okay with you?”

I looked at Gabe and he nodded. “That’s fine,” I took a deep breath.

“How long have you guys been together?” He asked as he clicked record on the small machine in his hands. He set it on the side table next to him.

“Well, we’ve been married for almost two years. It’ll be two years next month,” I smiled at Gabe.

“We’ve been together though for longer. It’s been almost 8 years…with a two year break at one point,” Gabe said nervously as if he had misspoken.

“When was the two year break?”

“We had been dating for almost two years and then, well Gabe is a musician and tours a lot. I was young and not ready for him to be away from me for so long,” I laughed uneasily. Why did I feel like I was being judged? “So, I broke it off, but then we started talking and seeing each other again,” My fingers were forming knots with each other from all the fidgeting.

“How did you guys work through that?” Kelly asked with a smile that made me feel a little more at ease, but still as if I were on the chopping block.

“We were young and it was hard and we recognized that we had grown up and if we really loved each other it’d work out,” Gabe said and pulled my hands apart. I smirked at him and he held one of my hands so I didn’t keep wringing them and fidgeting with my fingers.

“And it’s worked out,” He smiled. “So, you said on the phone, Sadler that communication has been a problem lately, what’s been happening?”

“Well…I…I…I,” I started to stutter. I hadn’t really talked about losing the baby in a while; it was just easier for me to keep it all inside than talk about it. It was what was helping me cope and get on. “I lost a baby,” My mouth was starting to water as if I was going to vomit. “I was pretty much full term and the placenta detached early and blood got in. I didn’t know because the bleeding was concealed and I didn’t have any bleeding until a few days later when it was too late,” I rushed through it, but as much as it hurt, it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it was going to. Maybe I was really coping?

“And that caused a rift? Hurt the communication?”

“I didn’t really know what to do when it happened. I spiraled down and became really depressed. I wasn’t nice to anyone for a bit and then it was just Gabe. I was just mean to him and I didn’t know how to stop myself,” I swallowed back tears. I wanted to keep composed today.

“Gabe what did you see when this was happening?”

“I saw my wife, the woman I love in a terrible place. She was just so sad and I was okay with her being angry and sad, but I was hoping that she’s let me help her pull her through it all, but she didn’t,” Gabe shifted on the couch in discomfort.

“What did you do to show her you were there?” Kelly was so even, just like my own therapist, who I hadn’t seen in a while. She wanted me to come back after a few sessions of couple’s therapy.

“I did everything. I was just hoping it was a phase. I was okay with it for a bit, but then she had this huge outburst in a restaurant in front of our friends,” I cringed just hearing him talk about it. “I had told her that I was there and she could talk to me, but she wanted to talk to everyone, but me. I started to feel like she was never going to get better and it was done,” Gabe scrunched his forehead and ran his hand across the bottom of his face and finally looked at me.

“I’m sorry. I did do all of that,” My voice wavered with tears trying to force themselves out of me, but again I swallowed them back. “I just didn’t know how to talk to him anymore. He seemed so together and like he had just gotten over the fact that we had lost our baby,” I said softly at the end and spoke to Kelly and not Gabe.

“Talk to Gabe, Sadler. He’s the one that needs to know this,” Kelly instructed.

“I didn’t mean to push you away, but I wanted you to be like me. I wanted you not to be able to get out of bed. I wanted you to cry all the time and just be in pain like I was,” I twisted on the couch to look at him. “I know you were just trying to be the stronger person, but it hurt. I felt like you didn’t care and I felt like I was a mess and couldn’t cope like everyone else.”

“I just needed to know that. I needed to know that you were going to get better and you were still alive, but I didn’t need to be told drunkenly at a restaurant with all of our friends and my manager,” His words were so harsh all of a sudden and I was taken aback.

“What happened at the restaurant Sadler?” Kelly asked me politely.

“Gabe was working with some friends in the studio that day and he left me a note to come see him and spend the day with him. I wanted to get better, I was going to try. I went to the studio and things were good. I was surrounded by good people who cared about me and didn’t make me feel like the big elephant in the room,” I really didn’t want to tell this story.

“They decided they wanted to celebrate the making of a great record, so we went out. I started drinking pretty fast. I had three drinks in the first hour and by the end of the night I had two shots and another drink. I hadn’t had a drink in 9 months, so my tolerance wasn’t what it used to be,” I laughed uncomfortably. I wanted to just run for the door.

“I was drunk and everything just came up. I got really sad when I was drunk and I just…I…I can’t even say what I did,” I let a few tears escape my eyes. I really wanted to hold it together.

“Gabe’s manager came later and I hadn’t seen him in a bit and I asked Gabe if he had told him. Gabe laughed and asked what I was talking about and that’s when I shouted in the restaurant, ‘did you hear I lost Gabe’s baby,’ and it was really uncomfortable. In my head I wanted to ease that and I just made it worse. I made the off-color remark to them to lighten up because they weren’t the ones that lost a baby,” I wasn’t sobbing, but the tears were streaming out of my eyes. I was so embarrassed by my actions. I had apologized to everyone there and it was over, but to talk about it now was even harder. Gabe just sat silently next to me. I was waiting for him to butt in, but he didn’t.

“That’s when Gabe pulled me out of the restaurant and took me home. I promised him I’d get help and I started to see a therapist, but that’s when he just stopped talking to me,” Kelly handed me a box of tissues and I took it and pulled one out to wipe my face off.

“What did you feel that night Gabe? The night at the restaurant.”

“I felt completely embarrassed. I felt like a failure, that I couldn’t help my own wife through this. I felt totally slapped in the face because in the car she accused me of not caring about the baby. She questioned if I even wanted the baby to begin with, which was just absurd. I had already spoiled that kid till she was 40,” Gabe was so mad, he raised his voice slightly and I slumped in my corner of the couch.

“What I was going through, while I was set off by you and feeling like you were moving on without a care, really had nothing to do with you,” I was waiting for him to yell again. I didn’t like him this way. “I was just a wreck. You are not a failure.”

“Gabe, do you still feel like a failure? Do you think your friends were embarrassed for you?”

“I feel like a failure for other reasons, not because I couldn’t help my wife. I feel like a failure because I didn’t know how to deal with it all and I just went drinking, gambling again and avoiding the situation. I wanted to help everything, but it was just easier to walk away, which is always the easiest thing to do. That’s why I feel like a failure. I took the easy way out,” Gabe sighed and crossed his legs.

“Now you’re ready to fix that?” Kelly asked with a smile.

“Yes, I’m ready to save this. I didn’t want to hurt you, Sade. I just did what was easiest, not what was right and that’s why I’m here now. I want to make things right. I want to get back to where we were before.” Gabe took my hand.

“Are you ready to move forward now Sadler?”

“Yes, I need this. I want to be happy again. I want my marriage to be good again because I love you,” I said to Gabe.

“Our hour is coming to a close. One of my things that I do in my sessions is you must say something nice to or about each other. I don’t want my clients to leave angry. I want you to process everything we’ve gone over, but I also want you both to see all the love you have for each other. To see it’s still there even if you can’t see it right now,” Kelly put his steno pad on the table next to him with the recorder and recrossed his legs waiting for us to answer.

“I’ll start,” I smiled and held Gabe’s hand tighter. “You are the most driven person I know. You’re motivation makes me feel inadequate,” I laughed. “But, it’s good because it makes me want to work harder and I’m grateful for that.” I didn’t want to get too sentimental. I had regained my composure and I wanted to keep it.

“I make you feel inadequate?” He smiled and pulled me across the couch and into his chest. “Since the day I met you I never thought I was enough. You are like a magnet for people. All of my friends and anyone that you’ve ever met for that matter has fallen in love with you immediately, just like me. You are everyone’s biggest cheerleader and I adore you, I do.” Gabe kissed the top of my forehead.

“See, that’s progress. I’m going to schedule you next week at the same time, does that work?” Kelly pulled out an appointment book.

“Well, next week I have an event at my work that I have to go to, but I could do the next day at that time,” I looked at Gabe to see what his availability was.

“I can do that day too.”

“I can fit you in. If anything changes give me a call,” He stood up and Gabe and I did as well. We shook his hand and he let us out of his office.

I was excited for this. I had a good feeling about this counseling and the fact that Gabe and I were ready to take this step. We wanted to make this work and that was the first step, the most important; we both wanted it.