Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands

"Would you be willing to play hooky with me tomorrow?" I asked Emily.

"Depends, what's in it for me?"

"Well, I have an appointment at 8 tomorrow with Doctor Zink," I said hoping she'd catch on.

"I can probably get a sub to come in just till midday for me. Wait, I'm sorry, Doctor Zink? Are you okay?" She halted her thought when she caught on to what doctor I was visiting.

"Oh you know, just pregnant," I played it off, trying to be cool, but I couldn't fight the huge smile that overtook my face.

"Oh my god! Yes! I'm there with you! Congrats! Does Gabe know? Did you catch him in time? Wow!" She spit out all her questions in rapid fire.

"I just found out 15 minutes ago. I caught him he was still waiting to board. And thanks," I said sincerely. It was so nice to hear everyone excited about the news. I tried not to be too excited, but I couldn't help it.

"I'm...wow. ..So great!" She gushed.

"Thank you for playing hooky. I can't imagine anyone else coming with me. You've been through it and… I just...I'm scared. I want to be hopeful and I am, but of course I can't keep the possibility of it not coming to term out of my mind."

"This is your time,” She said confidently. “Doctor Zink will answer all your questions and I'll be there with you. What about Meg?"

"I have to call her, but I want her there too. I need you girls...I'm alone right now and if it's...it's not good news I'll need you even more," I started to choke up.

"Think positive. I'm here for you always," Emily reminded me sweetly.

"I know and that's why I need you now."

"I'll call some subs right now and the principle to let her know and I'll call you later, okay?"

"Sounds great," I said swallowing my tears and composing myself.

+++

"All these kids are probably beasts, but they pose so cute," Meg deadpanned as she flipped through a parenting magazine as she sat with Emily and me in Doctor Zink's waiting room.

When I called Meg last night to tell her the news, I was a bit afraid. She’d be the one to keep me in check, which I think I needed, but I feared she’d be a bit too much. To my surprise, she was very excited for me and for Gabe, but was pretty levelheaded about it all. I needed that for sure. I needed to have someone with a healthy perspective in my life. She kept me levelheaded. I didn’t want to spiral downward like last time.

“I’m sure they had to drug them to look so sweet,” She continued.

“I hope that they have good parents. Levi is gonna hate me when he gets older,” Emily laughed.

“Hate you because you’re doing what you should be doing,” Meghan reminded her and tossed her magazine back on the table.

“Levi is going to be a great kid,” I finally spat out. I had been pretty quiet. I was reciting the alphabet forward and backward in my head to stop from thinking.

“Well, I do have you lovely ladies helping me too and Ian,” She laughed at the end.

“Ian is such a good dad. He’s so cute to you and Levi,” Meg gushed turning in her chair to look across me in the middle to Emily. “Take a breath Rain Man,” She said as she put a hand on my shoulder.

“What?” I asked blinking out of my haze.

“You look like you’re counting the holes in the cork ceiling. Everything will be okay,” She assured me. I just nodded.

“Sadler?” Jody, the nurse came out and announced with a smile.

“Hey,” I said meekly and walked over to her with Meg and Emily in tow.

“I was hoping to see you soon,” She said giving me a hug.

“I’m nervous. I just need to know I can have hope,” I said almost in a whisper.

“You’ll get it,” She smiled and brought me into the room. “I’m gonna have you get changed and doctor Zink and I will be back in a few minutes,” She said as she handed me a gown out of a drawer and left me to change.

“I can only be like a month pregnant…”I mumbled to myself trying to think about how far along I could be. “Maybe like six weeks.”

“Are you talking to yourself?” Meg asked me.

“Just trying to think about how far along I could be,” I sighed as I stripped down.

“Well, at least a month. That’s how long you were on tour. Though, Gabe was back like two weeks before that? So, yeah, six weeks,” Meg tried to calculate in her head too.

“Though, I got my period while I was in the hospital. It was more like spotting, but I just figured it was because of the stress,” I said wrapping myself in the gown and hopping back on the table.

“Well, it’s common to spot, so maybe you’re six weeks. That’s amazing!” Emily smiled widely.

“Half way through the first trimester, then. Which, is good, right?” I needed assurance.

“Yes, definitely,” Emily was still beaming.

“Sadler!” Doctor Zink said as he swung into the room and Jody followed shutting the door behind them.

“Hi doctor Zink,” I smiled. His enthusiasm was contagious.

“We’re gonna get a look at this baby today,” He said as he scooted in a rolling chair toward me on the table. Jody was putting together equipment next to me.

“What are we going to do?”

“We are going to do a transvaginal ultrasound. We’re going to put a probe inside you and check out the area. This will give us a good look at the placenta and see how far along you are, but also to make sure everything is forming correctly with all the trauma and the loss of your last pregnancy. We’ll need you to come in every other week to every three weeks to monitor you too, okay?” He asked still keeping upbeat.

“I’m sure that’ll help me keep sane too,” I tried to joke, but it was fact.

“Anything to keep you at ease and keep stress to a minimum we will do,” He said giving me his world.

Doctor Zink had me slide down onto the table and put my feet into the stirrups and lay back. Meg and Emily stayed by my side and they prepped me for the ultrasound. I couldn’t help but well up with tears. I was happy and also had memories coming back to me of the last time I was here for my first ultrasound. I was alone and did it all on my own because they thought I was high risk and I didn’t want to get everyone excited for nothing. I pulled one of my hands from the crossed position on my chest and without looking felt for Emily’s hand. She grabbed it and held it tight and I could feel Meg move closer and put her hand around ours.

Doctor Zink and Jody were looking at the screen next to me and I was getting antsy as they looked around.

“Is it bad?” I finally asked breaking the silence.

“Not necessarily... You’re probably about six weeks pregnant, but your placenta is enlarged,” He said turning his head between me and the screen.

“What does that mean?” Meg asked defensively. “Sorry,” She corrected herself and gave me a look to say she was sorry too.

“Well, we will monitor you more closely, closer than you thought before,” He smiled trying to ease my nerves. “An enlarged placenta could mean you’re just eating well, but given your last pregnancy it could signal the chance of placenta previa. It’s way too early to diagnose that of course, but we’ll monitor you so we can make sure that’s not the case,” Doctor Zink patted one of my bent knees.

“Could it be because of me being on the pill? Or the fact that I drank? I didn’t think I was pregnant…” I tried to say as calmly as possibly. My voice quaked with nerves.

“It looks healthy. If the baby has made it this far, it’s taking care of itself. We’ll monitor everything, but it looks very healthy Sadler,” He said as he started to clean up.

“It looks okay, really?” I needed some more confirmation.

“It does, but we’ll do all we can to make sure we monitor this pregnancy. I’ll see you in two weeks. We’ll do your routine ultrasound and check everything out. Until then, nothing stressful and make sure you’re eating healthy. You know what you can and cannot eat. We’ll get you through this!” He said as he stood up and moved the equipment out of the way. Jody just smiled the entire time. “Jody will set you up with an appointment. Have a good one Sadler,” He said as he left.

“Let’s set you up in another two weeks!” Jody said excitedly.

We set up an appointment for two weeks. The whole stress thing was going to be hard. I had a court date for the first week of February now and while I shouldn’t be anxious because I did nothing wrong, I was. I just couldn’t help it. I hoped that Lucas had rehabilitated himself and allowed himself to heal for the sake of his son and his family, but I also don’t know if I could trust that. I just wanted to know what was going to happen now so I didn’t have to stress and risk this pregnancy.

The fact that I had to be monitored even closer didn’t help either. I’d go home and look up everything I could about an enlarged placenta and hopefully ease my mind, though I knew it may just set me off. I had to just trust Doctor Zink. I had to.

“Want to go get lunch before I have to go back?” Emily asked as we left the doctor’s office.

“I’m exhausted. I think I’m just gonna go home. I was sick all morning again and I just want to lay down,” I said feeling all of the adrenaline and nerves rush from my body and it made me more tired.

“Okay, well, I’ll come over after work with Ian and Levi and we’ll bring you a healthy dinner. No, buts!” She said as she saw me open my mouth.

“I’ll bring you home. I took the day off, so I have nothing to do,” Meg said linking her arm with mine.

“I’ll call you. I love you,” Emily said giving me a huge hug.

“Love you too,” I smiled a little, I was lucky to have such good friends.

“See you later, love,” Meg told Emily and gave her a kiss and then we strode off toward the corner to catch a cab and Emily went to the parking garage to grab her car.

“I will hit you in the face if you think anymore,” Meg said as we sat at a light in the cab.

“Sorry,” I said with a yawn.

“You’re going to be fine, okay?” She eyed me as if she were beaming a laser into my head.

“I know, I know…” I relented.

“Why don’t you call Gabe? It’s almost 6 there now,” She reminded me. I hated the time difference.

“Good idea,” I said and pilfered for my phone in my bag. I put in my calling card number and then dialed his number. It just rang and rang.

“Hey!” Someone finally answered breathlessly.

“Victoria?” I asked.

“Yes, sorry! We were doing a meet and greet and Gabe was taking pics and I knew he was waiting for your call,” She said getting her breathing under control. I chuckled a little thinking about her running for Gabe’s phone. Lipski makes them leave their phones in their bags when they do meet and greets, he’s very business sometimes.

“It’s okay, I can call back later. When is the meet and greet over?” I asked and we had stopped in front of my apartment. Meg paid and we both got out.

“It’s winding down now, just stay on the phone. I gotta go back, but I miss you so much. My partner in crime,” She said sadly.

“I miss you too. I wish I were still on tour,” I really did.

“Oh and congrats! I knew it! I can’t wait to be an auntie,” She said giddily.

“You knew it, that’s for sure,” I laughed and walked with Meg to the elevator in my building.

“Okay, seriously, stay on the line,” She said and it went silent. I could hear talking and flashes in the background.

When I got into my apartment I curled up on the couch and waited for them to be done. I waited another fifteen minutes and Gabe picked up.

“How’d it go?” He asked excitedly.

“It went well. I have to go like every week and I have an enlarged placenta, which could mean nothing or it could mean that I’m at risk for the same thing again,” I didn’t want to be so grim, but I had to be realistic.

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Gabe said pushing everything else aside. He didn’t want to think about the potential of it happening again. “Was Doctor Zink excited to see you?”

“Gabe, it could happen again,” I said trying to get him to acknowledge what I had told him.

“Let’s not think about that. They’re going to monitor you so closely that they’ll be prepared,” He said with some anger behind his voice, but he sounded mostly upbeat.

“I know, I know, but we have to be prepared…that’s all I’m trying to say,” I closed my eyes.

“Let’s just be prepared to have a healthy baby, okay? Can’t we just be excited about this?” He asked lowly.

“Not when I could fuck it up all over again,” I said raising my voice.

“Sadie!” Meg yelled at me.

“Is that Meg?” Gabe asked.

“Yes,” My voice was small like a child all of a sudden.

“I thought we were past this? You didn’t fuck it up; it’s not your fault. We are going to have a beautiful baby, that’s all we can think, okay?”

“It’s my body. My body did it and it could happen again,” I reminded him.

“Christ, can you just stop,” He yelled at me.

“I’m sorry…I just…I don’t want to get my hopes totally crushed again,” I choked up.

“You’re not going to. You are going to be under such close watch that they can prevent it from happening or deliver the baby before anything happens, which it won’t. Please, can you just be excited for me? Do you know how excited I am?” He asked.

“I’m trying. I was and then he told me all of that…” I trailed.

“He said it could be nothing too, right? And I’m so excited. I don’t care if it’s a girl or boy or whatever. I’m just excited that we made them,” He trailed a bit frustrated.

“I’m super excited, I am, but the dark cloud overshadows all of that for me sometimes,” I admitted.

“Fuck the dark cloud. There is no dark cloud,” He teased.

“Fuck the dark cloud?” I laughed.

“Fuck it. I can’t wait to get home to you,” He said letting out a breath as if he were thinking about me.

“When you get home I’ll be about four months pregnant,” I told him.

“I need pictures of all the ultrasounds, your belly, anything sent to me every day.”

“I’ll send them to you,” I smiled. He was always so good at making me feel at ease and letting everything go, in the moment anyway.

“Good. I love you,” He said sappily.

“I love you too. I miss you so much,” I said choking up. I wanted him home with me right now.

“Don’t cry, please? It makes it so much harder…”

“I’m not crying, just choking up,” I clarified teasingly.

“Oh, thanks for clarifying.”

“You’re welcome,” I laughed. “It’ll be okay. Meg’s here right now and Ian and Em are coming to bring me dinner later,” I wanted him to know I’d be okay.

“Oh good! Tell them I said hello. I gotta go, Sade, but I love you and I’ll talk to you later,” He was so sweet sometimes.

“Love you too. Good luck!”

“Thanks, love,” He said and we hung up.

“I need a nap,” I said as I uncurled myself from the couch.

“I’ll be here hijacking your TV,” Meg smiled taking my spot on the couch and pulling the remote with her.

I went into my room and shut the door and laid on top of the bed and was out like a light. I was exhausted from being sick and just exhausted in general.

“Sad,” I felt a tiny hand on my face. I opened my eyes one at a time and Levi was sitting next to me patting my face. He didn’t say many words, but he could say Sad, which was enough for me.

“Hi auntie Sadler,” Emily cooed behind Levi.

“What time is it?” I asked taking Levi into my arms and kissing him all over. He laughed hysterically.

“It’s 7; you’ve been out for a while.”

“Ugh, I didn’t realize I was that tired!” I stretched a bit and sat up taking Levi onto my lap and kissing his head.

“He loves you. He’s never this good for me,” Emily smiled as Levi leaned his head against my chest and just sat there being good.

“Maybe you are like the parents of the kids on those parenting magazines!” I teased.

“Oh no I am!” She said sarcastically.

I picked up Levi and we went out into the kitchen and living room. Meg and Ian were getting dinner ready and Rob was setting the table. It was all a bit surreal at the moment, but perfect none the less.

“Hello, sleeping beauty,” Rob smiled and gave Levi and I each a kiss.

“Hey there. Did you get a haircut?” I asked looking Rob over.

“I did, you like?”

“I do. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with your hair that short before…”

“I figured I’d spice it up for the lady,” He said smacking Meg on the ass as she put a salad on the table.

“Spicing up for him is a haircut, but for me it’s totally different,” She teased and went back to the kitchen to grab more food.

“You ready to eat?” I asked Levi as I put him over my head and he smiled. “Let’s put you in your chair!” I said and spun him around before landing him in his highchair that Emily had brought with her.

We all sat down and had dinner together and it was nice. I was happy and able to expel all the bad thoughts from my mind for the time being. I just wanted to enjoy my company, though it would have been better if Gabe had been at the table, but we make sacrifices sometimes. I just couldn’t wait for him to be home and go through this with me.

+++

“How’ve you been feeling?” Doctor Zink asked as I sat on his table.

“Still sick, but other than that okay,” I told him.

“Stress? Worry? How are you with Gabe being gone?”

“I miss him and wish he was here, but we talk all the time, so it’s fine. Stress, is unavoidable right now,” I sighed. “I have a hearing for something that I don’t want to get into, but it’s stressful.”

“Well, maybe you should go back to yoga like you were before? Help you unwind and channel it?”

“I’m going to start next week actually. I just hope I stop getting sick.”

“Well, it’s common, but hopefully you’ll bounce back soon,” He smiled. “Let’s get you started,” He said and lifted and rolled my shirt up and under my breasts. He then tucked a sheet of paper under it and on my shirt and did the same as he pushed my pants down a bit. I laid back on the table and he shot the gel all over my stomach and started the ultrasound.

“Next time I’ll be able to hear a heartbeat?” I asked.

“Well, I’m hearing one…let me turn up the volume. You must be closer to nine weeks then,” He remarked and I could hear a sort of beat. Nothing strong at all. “Well, that’s probably why you have an enlarged placenta,” He said matter-of-factly, as if I should know why too.
“Why?” I asked nervously.

“We’ve got two sacs in here. I think we’ve got twins here,” He smiled widely as he pressed on my stomach with the wand. I could see two little sacs and specs on the machine.

“Twins? They don’t run in either family,” I breathed.

“It doesn’t have to. Sometimes it just happens,” He smiled again.

“So, that would be why I have the enlarged placenta and am sick all the time?” I asked excitedly.

“Yes, to all of it. I’m gonna send you down to get blood drawn too and test all of your levels. But, this means that you need to keep the stress down too,” He said almost fatherly.

“I’m going to yoga all the time,” I smiled. I wanted to rip off the papers and pull myself together and run out of the office to celebrate.

Doctor Zink wiped me off and took me towards the lab, where he dropped me off for blood work. When I finally left the office I didn’t know what to do with myself. I called Gabe immediately, they’d be off stage by now, it was almost midnight in the Scotland right now.

“Hey, Sadie!” He answered a bit tipsy.

“How was the show tonight?” I asked.

“It was awesome. We went to this really cool bar after our set and had so much fun and now I’m back on the bus and we’re off to Glasgow,” He was really happy and I could hear the others milling about on the bus and video games being played in the background.

“That’s awesome. I’m so happy things are going well!” I really was.

“How was the appointment today?” He asked hesitantly. I had gotten much better and hadn’t googled or researched anything about a larger placenta for my own sanity and I started yoga, which helped a lot.

“What if we had two kids?”

“Well, I want as many kids as we can have,” He laughed. “But, if you only want two, I’m okay with that.”

“I mean if we had two kids at once?” I smiled to myself.

“Are we having twins?” He exclaimed.

“We’re having twins! My placenta is fine, just big because we’ve got two kids,” I laughed as I walked down the street.

“I can’t believe this,” He was at a loss for words.

“Me either. We may need a bigger place,” I laughed.

“We’ll go house hunting when I get home. Can we tell our parents together?” He asked.

“Of course. I can wait, but what about Meg and Emily? I don’t think I can keep it from them. I sort of want to tell everyone,” I couldn’t help but be so excited.

“You can tell them, but that’s it!”

“Fine, no one else! It’s a nice little early birthday present for me,” I told him.

“Glad I could deliver sort of on time,” He teased.

“Thank you!” I rolled my eyes.

“I hate missing your birthday,” He pouted.

“It’s cool. I’m old and pregnant now, so we’re just doing dinner,” I played it off as if it was no big deal, but I hated when he was away for my birthday too.

“You’re not old! You’re beautiful and pregnant with my babies,” He sighed contently.

“I am. Can you believe we’re having twins?”

“It really is our time,” Gabe breathed. And it really was our time.