Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands

“…Happy Birthday dear Sadler, happy birthday to you!” Gabe sang to me sweetly at exactly midnight on the night of my birthday, which meant it was about 6 in the morning in London. They had the last batch of shows in the UK and then would be off to Japan at the end of the week and then in three weeks they’d be home for a while.

“Thank you,” I smiled as I settled down into our bed.

“Were you sleeping? I didn’t wake you did I?” His voice was raspy, most likely a combination of it being so early and all the shows, press and late nights catching up to him.

“No, not sleeping. I was just getting into bed. Are you just raspy or getting sick?”

“Just raspy. How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay. I am really tired, but I can’t go to sleep right now. I’m better than I was yesterday that’s for sure,” I laughed a bit. I had a crying fit on the phone with Gabe.

I was trying my best to not think negative things, but it had only been about a week since the doctor said we were having twins and I was just so paranoid. What if I lost them both or just one? That kept running through my mind at night when I tried to go to bed, when I was alone with my thoughts. During the day I was fine. I was occupied, but at night I was alone and had too much time to think.

“Don’t stress, that makes things worse. The doctor said not to stress,” He said sweetly. “What about that job you looked into? Did you call them?”

I had come across an ad that was looking for an adjunct professor to fill in for a few weeks. The class was an intro to student affairs and it was only till the end of the semester. I called this morning to inquire about whom to send my resume to and apparently the professor was in a terrible skiing accident and broke both of his legs and pelvis and he wouldn’t be able to finish out the semester.

“I called this morning. Apparently the professor was in a ski accident and can’t finish out the semester. I e-mailed my resume over and we’ll see. It’ll keep my mind off of everything, so it’ll be a good distraction. They have another professor taking over right now, but they want to fill it in two weeks…” I told Gabe and I sunk lower in the bed. “I just hope the hearing doesn’t interfere with interviewing and starting if I get it…I know I’m jumping ahead.”

“As you say, if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.”

“That’s true. I need a distraction. I need something to keep me busy and money,” I laughed.

“You’ve got money. What’s mine is yours too.”

“I know, but I like having my own money. I’m also running out of things to occupy my time. Yoga is only an hour and a half every day and then I have like 15 hours left to fill,” I laughed. I did my best and my friends were really great, but we all need our space from each other too.

“I know. Maybe you can do some volunteer work? Maybe you can work at the library or the little coffee shop you love?” Gabe suggested.

“Maybe…I’m keeping my options open. I’ve been unemployed for way too long,” I groaned. I was never really good at just relaxing and I loved my work and working.

“Maybe wait till all the stuff with Lucas is over. I don’t want you to stress out at all, okay?” He almost cooed.

“I’ll wait. I’ll just sit and twiddle my thumbs,” I said dramatically.

“Meg will have your present from me at your dinner tomorrow,” He got excited.

“What did you get me?”

“You have to wait. It’s a nice little surprise for you.”

“I want to know!” I yawned.

“You’ll find out soon enough. You get some rest okay? All my babies need rest,” I could hear the smile on his face and it made me smile too, that he was so happy.

“I love you. I miss you. Only three more weeks!” I couldn’t stop yawning all of a sudden.

“Good night, love.” Gabe said in almost a whisper.

I hung up and rolled over on my side and was out like a light. I was exhausted, but was happy and trying really hard to be positive and not stress. Yoga was helping and I was looking forward to 6 in the morning to help me get through the day and enjoy my birthday.

The next morning my alarm went off at 5 and I was still exhausted, but I threw my feet off the bed and began to get ready for yoga. I had to be out of the house by 5:30 to make it to yoga with a little time to spare. The studio was right around the corner and I walked to keep me active as well. I could take a cab, but I wanted to make sure I was healthy all around.

I grabbed my yoga mat and tied my coat a little tighter as I locked the apartment behind me. I said “Good morning,” to the doorman and hurried out the door. I was going to be right on time if I walked as briskly as possible. This pregnancy, while still new was taking a lot out of me. I was still sick on occasion, but not as bad as before and I’m hoping it’s from keeping active and I’m always tired. I’m good for the most part during the day, but when it reaches about 5pm I could go right to bed, but then I have trouble falling asleep sometimes. It’s a war inside me to stay awake, but hopefully it’s just from adjusting to being pregnant again and soon enough I’d balance out a bit.

The doctor said it was normal to be tired all the time with twins and to want to eat more because I’m feeding two and two of them are draining me, but I was holding out that I wouldn’t feel the way I’ve been feeling the entire time. I had to think positive about everything.

“Sadler!” I heard a female call behind me as I walked out of my building.

“Yeah?” I asked whipping around. I should have recognized the voice. “Courtney…what are you doing here?” I asked in shock. I thought she had left the city and I wasn’t prepared to see her at all.

“I’m here getting Lucas’ apartment ready for him…he comes home this weekend and next week’s the hearing and all…” She said as she slowly approached me.

“Welcome back? Why are you here so early? I’m on my way to yoga and I’m gonna be late,” I said firmly and started to walk again.

“I was going to leave you something at the desk and sneak out early. I figured I had time before you got up and going, but I was wrong,” She laughed uneasily as she caught up with me. “Happy Birthday,” She kept pace with my steps.

“Thank you.”

“How are you doing?” She asked as if we were friends.

“Courtney, we’re not friends any more, okay?” I said a bit harshly.

“I know…I’m so sorry for everything. I just…I wish you could forgive me. Just me,” Courtney’s voice was cracking as if she were going to breakdown at any moment. I just stared at her in disbelief.

“I can’t…I don’t need this kind of stress right now…” I stuttered and continued to walk. My legs were moving so fast and I had no control over them, they just kept moving me.

“Would you at least think about it for me?” She pleaded. “You’re all I have here and when Lucas leaves I’ll be so lonely.”

“Where’s Lucas going?”

“He’s moving back to be with our sister. He’ll be here for the hearing and then he’ll go back. He’s changed a lot Sadler, he really has.”

“I’m glad. I’m glad he got the help that he needed,” I said sincerely. I was glad he got the help he needed. Deep down I never thought Lucas was a bad person, but screwed up from past situations that he never dealt with. Hopefully, actually confronting his issues head on would help him out for life.

“I got you a card. Will you at least take that?” Courtney asked as she rushed in front of me to stop me from walking.

“Yes, thank you,” I took the card and nodded to show her thanks. She stepped away and allowed me to continue on my way.

I stuffed the envelope into my coat pocket and practically sprinted to my class. I needed this yoga session now more than before. I was actually a few minutes early and I got myself situated.

After class, I went to the convenience store across the street and on my way home to grab another bottle of water. I kicked my bottle I brought, but I was craving ice cold water. I went in and grabbed the biggest bottle I could and went to pay. I reached into my coat for my cash and the card Courtney had given me fell out. I really had tried to focus in yoga and forgot all about it. I picked it up off the ground, paid and made my way out.

When I got home I tore off my coat, scarf, hat and gloves and hung it all up. I put my yoga mat in the hall closet and took my bottle of water and the card from Courtney with me onto the couch. I opened the card and there was a letter inside.

Dear Sadler,

I know this is probably a violation of the order of protection, but I had to get you this. As you know, I’ve been in a rehab/counseling facility for a few months now. Part of my recovery and confronting my issues head on has been to write letters to those that I feel I hurt. So, I hope you don’t use this against me, but I needed to write this.

I remember the first time I saw you. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. You had this magnetism about you and yet, I could see that you were missing something. You were not whole and I neither was I and that’s why I think I was also drawn to you. I felt like we were kindred spirits of sorts; both of us so passionate about our jobs and both of us so lonely. I was lonely because the one person that I had loved and sacrificed the most for had left me. She left me with our son and without an explanation. I know that Courtney told you about Sam. I know you probably judged me on that too. Looking back at it I would have judged myself too; a young teacher falling in love with a student? It’s almost cliché nowadays, isn’t it? All I can say about falling in love with Sam is you really cannot help who you fall for and at the time I was so desperately seeking to be loved that I threw caution to the wind and my career to get it. I was foolish and selfish, but ultimately I don’t regret any of it. I have my son and while you may not have seen it he’s taught me so much.

I’m truly sorry for everything that happened between us. I know and knew at the time that I handled things the wrong way. I thought we were connecting because like me you were yearning for someone to be there for you to tell you that you were amazing and wanted. I wanted to be that for you and I wanted you to reciprocate, which I know cannot be forced and yet I tried to make that happen. I am truly sorry for that. I would never try and ruin your marriage intentionally. In my head I had misconstrued things and desperately hoped that you were looking for me to save you, but you weren’t. You were only human looking for a connection as well, but your heart, mind and soul were always somewhere else.
When the feelings weren’t reciprocated I tried to force it and make your life miserable because of it. That was not fair. No one can help who they fall in love with or whom they do not, for that matter. I was unstable and just looking for someone to love me. I sound very cliché female stripper at this point, don’t I? I just want you to know, as I’ve said a few times already, I’m sorry. I conducted myself in an unprofessional and inhumane manner and I did not set a very good example for my son, which I regret the most. Matthew already had his mother skip out on him, he doesn’t deserve to have a father go over the edge either and that’s why I sought counseling. I needed to get better so that I could move on with my life, but also give Matthew the most normal and loving life he deserves.

I am not asking for you to drop any of your charges or for you to totally believe me, I get that. I just wanted to write this letter, which was actually about 20 pages longer, to tell you that I’m sorry and that I will not bother you anymore. I’m moving back close to my sister and hopefully I can find something to keep me afloat.

Good luck with everything. I hope that maybe you can get your job back at the school. They are really at a disadvantage without you and your amazing mind there.

I also hope that you can pass my words off to Gabe. I know that it may not mean anything to him and I completely understand his protectiveness over you and anger toward me, but I want him to know that he’s a lucky man to have you and you’re lucky to have a husband that loves you so deeply – even in the darkest hour of your relationship I never doubted the love that you two shared. I wish you two only the best and hopefully one day soon you will share another chance at having a child.

You both deserve all the happiness in the world.

-Lucas

I put the letter down and I had tears in my eyes. I didn’t really know how to process it. I thought it was a really nice gesture. He sounded so much better and part of me wanted to believe that he was going to be okay and that he was truly turning a corner, but another part of me couldn’t let everything that had happened go.

The bigger part of me wanted to just let it go and move on with my life. I wanted to go through with the hearing, but after that I just wanted to put it all behind me. I was finally pregnant again and no less, with twins. I was in for a lot with just being pregnant, but now with twins and having to raise two babies at the same time I was really going to be hectic and I could use as little stress in my life as possible.

I folded the letter back up and put it in the card and envelope and put it on the coffee table. I had a lot to think about, but I didn’t feel overwhelmed. I felt like things were just going to take their natural course and things would be fine, at least I hoped.

I got up and went back into my room to shower. I went and started the shower and got in.
I was excited for tonight and my birthday dinner. We were going to Hearth in the East Village. I loved that place and it was so cozy inside. I was also excited to finally get Gabe’s present that he’d been teasing for the past week. He had it shipped to Meg or she picked it out, I wasn’t sure, but I knew she had it. The suspense was killing me!

+++

“You look beautiful!” Meg said as I met her at the host stand of Hearth.

“Really? Thanks,” I laughed. I had fallen asleep after my shower this afternoon and was in such a rush to get ready for dinner. “I fell asleep and rushed to get here,” I told her and we were seated.

“Your hair looks good. You’ve already got the glow too,” She smiled. I eyed the bag she had in her hand like a hawk hoping to get a peak of what was in there.

“I don’t know if I have the glow. I feel like I’ve been drained,” I said hanging my coat up on a hook near our table. I sat down at the table.

“Well, you don’t look drained,” She said hanging up her coat and turning back to me.

“Happy Birthday!” Rob shouted as he made his way over to the table. I smiled and stood up to greet him. “Sorry I’m late. I had a snag at the office,” He hugged me tightly.

“No worries, we just go here and Em and Ian aren’t here yet either,” I pointed out. Rob sat across from me and Meg scooted down.

“Em said they were going to be a little late because the sitter couldn’t be there until like 7:30 or something,” Meg said giving Rob a kiss on the cheek as he settled in.

“That’s fine. Can I have Gabe’s present now?” I asked impatiently.

“No. Presents are done at the end of the meal during dessert and no sooner.”

“Fine,” I laughed. “Any hints? He’s been teasing me with it all week. I just want to know.”

“You’ll love it and it’s deserved, that’s for sure.”

“Excellent, so helpful,” I teased. “So, um…Courtney is back in town,” I muttered as we sat waiting for Emily and Ian.

“What?” Meg almost spit out her water.

“She gave me a letter from Lucas…It was weird,” I admitted.

“What kind of letter?” Rob asked before Meg could even form words. She was speechless.

“Just saying that he was sorry and he got help and is moving away,” I tried to sound nonchalant about it all. It really wasn’t that big of a deal.

“Don’t trust it,” Rob said not as if he was telling me not to trust it, but that he himself didn’t trust the letter. He just shook his head.

“I really just want this all to be over. I’m moving on and forward with my life and that’s it,” I said firmly.

“Good. You should. You’re still going to have the hearing, right?” Meg asked with wide eyes.

“Yes, but whatever the outcome is, that’s it. I won’t fight anymore. I’m tired of it and…I honestly think he’s changed and won’t bother me. I know that sounds so naïve, but everything just seems so right. Not perfect because if it felt perfect then I would know it was all wrong, but it feels…okay,” I said as I smoothed out the table cloth on the edge in front of me.

“Well, we support you,” Rob smiled and gave Meg a look to say that she should agree.

“I always support you,” She finally said.

“Thank you. Everything will be fine. I just don’t need the stress honestly; it’s not good for me or the babies.”

“Babies!” Meg squealed. “I mean, you couldn’t have lucked out more. Twins is amazing!”

“Twins is a bit daunting to think about, but we’re very excited. I talked to my parent’s and Gabe’s dad today and we said we’d wait, but I wanted to tell them so bad. It was so hard,” I only woke up from my nap because of my phone going off. My parents called first and then Gabe’s father called all to wish me a happy birthday. They had called a few times before I finally answered too, which I felt bad about, but I obviously was exhausted to have slept through the rings.

“I wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret, but that’ll be great for you and Gabe to share with them together,” Meg gushed.

“When are you two gonna start pumping out kids?” I asked changing the subject.

“Not for a while,” Meg said as she looked at Rob. “We want to wait and just enjoy being married for a few years and then we’ll start.”

“Definitely, we haven’t killed each other yet, so it’s a good start,” Rob teased.

“I’m so sorry!” Emily said as she came up to the table. “We got stuck in traffic too.” She gave me a kiss and went and hung her coat up.

“We live in the ‘burbs now. We forget about city traffic,” Ian rolled his eyes and gave me a kiss. Emily probably couldn’t get out of the house on time, which was typical for her now. “Happy Birthday!”

“Thanks Ian,” I smiled and Emily sat next to me and Ian on the end.

Dinner was perfect. We sat around talking and catching up. We heard all about Levi walking and talking and the stuff he was getting into. We were all fascinated. We talked about Gabe and him being on tour and dealing with that, Rob and Meg and both of their careers. All my friends, my family, were doing well. They were all happy and it made me feel good.

“Okay! Presents!” I said as the final sets of plates were cleared from dinner.

“We need to have our cake and coffee and then presents,” Meg was in event planning mode tonight.

Shortly after I was told we needed to wait our waiter and a few others came out with a cake and they all sang “Happy Birthday” to me. I hated when they did that at restaurants and especially hated when it was done to me, but because my friends knew this, they continued to have me serenaded each year.

We cut the cake and while everyone enjoyed a cup of coffee I chose to have a glass of milk with my cake. I felt like I needed a school milk carton and a straw. I’ve never ordered milk at a restaurant before, but I was being sensible and it actually tasted really good with the cake.

“Now we can do presents,” Meg said and lifted the bag she brought in up and into my lap.

I pulled searched for a card and pulled one out to open it first. I wanted to know what he got me, but I would follow tradition and read the card first. It was just a simple card that Gabe had signed, which was weird, he always wrote me a little note in my cards. I put the card down and pulled out the tissue paper and Meg gathered it up for me. I reached in and pulled out a tote bag. I opened that up and inside was a bikini, sunscreen, sunglasses, flip flops, a beach towel, a hat, magazines and a sarong.

“I know I’m due in August, but how fast does he want me to get my body back?” I laughed as I looked everything over.

“Front pocket of the bag,” Meg smiled and took the gift bag from me and stuffed the tissue paper back in it.

I reached into the front pocket and there was another little card. I opened it up.

“When I get home I’m taking you on vacation. I already talked to Doctor Zink and we are all set to go. We’ll drive down to Florida, so you don’t have to worry about flying. Doc Zink and I have set you up an appointment with one of his colleagues down there to check you out before we leave for the Virgin Islands for a week. Happy Birthday my love,” I read aloud from the card.

“Jealous!” Emily said excitedly.

“He thought of everything didn’t he?” I laughed.

“You’ll be in desperate need for it after the hearing and all,” Rob said and rubbed my arm a bit. I smiled at him.

“My body is getting into that in between phase where I just look fat and not pregnant, so I hope we he doesn’t mind a nice muffin top in the bikini,” I laughed picking it up again.

I opened my presents from Meg and Rob and Emily and Ian. They were so thoughtful. I had a little present for myself and they gave me something for the babies too. I couldn’t wait to find out the sex of the baby. When Gabe gets home in three weeks I’ll be about 14-weeks maybe close to 15 depending on if the doctor is on target. According to my research online you can find out the sex of twins as early as 15-weeks, but most say to wait till 18-20 weeks for better and more accurate readings. It was all happening so fast.

We all left the restaurant and Rob and Meg brought me home. I gave them both a hug and a kiss and made my way into the building.

“Good evening Sadie, I have an envelope for you,” The doorman greeted me.

“Thanks,” I said as I took the padded envelope from him. “Have a good night,” I nodded and continued on my way to the elevator.

I opened the package and it was a CD that just had “Play Me,” written on it. I hurried back into my apartment and flipped open my computer that was on the coffee table in the living room and put the disc in. I sat down on the couch and shrugged off my jacket. The CD wasn’t audio, but a video and it automatically started playing.

“Hey, love. I’m so bummed I couldn’t be there for your birthday and that I’m traveling so I can’t call you till tomorrow, but I hope you loved your present. I’m super excited to road trip with you and then spend some relaxing time on the beach. The vacation is for both of us because we both need it. Anyway, enough of my face,” Gabe smiled and turned the camera from him and hopped out of his bunk and into the front of the bus where the entire band came into view. “Guys, this is a video for Sadler’s birthday, got any words?” Gabe asked.

“Happy Birthday partner in crime!” Victoria smiled widely as she popped up to the camera. “I hope you have the most wonderful day ever and when we get back we’ll all celebrate not only your birthday, but your babies,” She was almost squealing in excitement. I couldn’t help, but laugh myself. She was contagiously giddy.

“Yo girl, I heard it was your birthday,” Alex said in some sort of accent, sort of a mix of Italian and a rapper. “If I were there I would have popped out yo cake,” He made a kiss face and pointed toward the camera. I could hear Gabe’s laugh where he almost sounded as if he was choking because he’d forget to breath. It made me miss him so much more.

“Happy Birthday, Sadie,” Ryland waved. “I’m gonna teach your kids all the swear words. Can’t wait!” He said in a super cheesy voice and gave the camera two-thumbs up before going back to his phone call.

“Ryland’s apparently too busy to wish you a proper birthday,” Gabe said swinging the camera back to him and shaking his head.

“Happy Birthday Sadie! If you weren’t pregnant I would have made you your favorite drink of Jameson and Ginger…okay, well it’s my favorite, but you like the way I make it, so that counts right?” Nate was too adorable. I wanted to stick him in my pocket.

“Happy Birthday Sadie!” Lipski said and blew me a kiss.

“That’s enough,” Gabe said sarcastically and he came back onto the screen. “Well, I love you. We all love you and we’ll see you soon. Happy Birthday!” Gabe said before signing off. I was happy and sad at the same time. I just wanted them to be home now.

I cleaned up my mess in the living room and dragged myself to bed. I had a great night and I just had to get through next week and then I’d have some sort of resolution and then I’d be on my way to the Virgin Islands!