Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands

“Mom, I’m serious. Do not drive 3-hours down here. I’m all good,” I told her for the fourth time.

“But, it’s a big day. I just want to make sure you’re okay. And with Gabe gone and all…” She pleaded with me.

“Ma, I need to do this on my own. It’s just a hearing. Whatever happens happens and then I’m done. I’m washing my hands of all of this. I’ll call you when I’m done, okay?” I tried to say as politely as I could to my mother. I did want her support, but we were also trying to keep my pregnancy a secret till Gabe was back. I looked tired and had gained a little bit of weight. I don’t think I’d be able to keep the secret with them in front of me. I would surely slip up or just blurt it out in excitement. And I wanted this to be my moment and to get closure, whatever the outcome was, I’d have it.

“Fine, you’re so stubborn,” She sighed frustrated with me. “But we’re going to come down this weekend. I haven’t seen you in like four months baby, girl,” She cooed to me. It had been forever since I’d seen my parents. I missed them.

“That’ll be great. I want to see you guys, but I have to finish getting ready. I’ll call you when it’s over, okay?”

“You better call me. Love you,” She said sweetly.

Today was the day and while I had been dreading the days and ticking them down; it still felt like it came out of nowhere. I didn’t want anyone with me today. I wanted to do this on my own. I wanted to do this for me. I needed it. I just wanted to close this chapter of my life and move on. I also needed as few stressors as possible. I loved my family and my friends, but they could be a little much at times.

I finished getting ready and looked myself over in the mirror. I was in that awkward stage where I just looked fat. I sighed and grabbed a cardigan out of my closet and continued on my route out of the apartment, layering myself in a coat, scarf and I grabbed my purse and a set of gloves before heading out the door. I made my way down to the lobby and was going to hail a cab to the courthouse.

“Mom? Dad?” I asked dumbfounded as I saw my mother and father sitting in the lobby.

“Don’t be mad. We won’t do anything. We just want to sit in the back and support you,” My father said as he got up and hugged me tightly.

“I’m not mad…” I said exhaling deeply. “Thank you,” I smiled at him as he let me go and then I gave my mother a hug.

“Let’s get to the courthouse, okay?” My mother asked taking my arm in hers.

We all headed out. I wanted to be mad and I thought I would be mad that my parents showed up after I had been telling them not too, but I wasn’t surprised and I was actually relieved to have them with me. We all got in a cab and rode silently to the court. I don’t think any of us knew what to say about today. It was such a strange situation and they knew I just wanted to be done with it, despite their protests for more to be done.

When we arrived my parents each hooked their arms in mine and lead me up the stairs and inside the building. And of course inside waiting were Meg, Rob, Emily and Diego. I was far from surprised. I smiled at all of them. I couldn’t be mad. They loved me and I was incredibly fortunate to have such amazing people in my life.

“You guys did not have to come to this,” I said getting a bit teary eyed. I was going to blame it on the hormones.

“You are my daughter. How could I not be here for you,” Diego said giving me a hug, which made my eyes well up even more.

“Cut out the nice stuff,” I laughed as I let him go. He laughed. “Thank you,” I told him quietly and he nodded.

“I just wanted to see Diego,” Meg teased giving me a kiss on the cheek.

“Who doesn’t want to see this guy?” My dad said enthusiastically giving Diego a “man hug.” I just laughed.

I was happy to have them by my side and we headed up to the third floor to meet my lawyer. He took us into the courtroom and we sat and waited for our case to be called. Lucas and Courtney were seated a few rows in front of us on the other side of the aisle and there was another female on the other side of Lucas, who must have been Julie. A knot instantly formed in my stomach and I felt nauseous. I had to excuse myself and run to the bathroom. The nerves coupled with my constant sickness from being pregnant got the best of me.
I locked myself in a stall and threw up over and over again.

“Sadler,” I heard with a knock against my stall, it was Meg.

“Yeah,” I groaned standing up. I wiped my face and flushed the toilet.

“You okay?” She asked concerned.

“I’m fine,” I said coming out of the stall. Meg pushed my hair back and looked me over.

“Don’t throw up on me,” She smirked.

“I won’t. I am pretty sure I have nothing left to throw up. I’ll just dry heave when we’re called,” I laughed and went and washed my hands.

“Well, dry heaving could work in your favor?”

“Maybe the judge is not good with vomit? He’ll just want me to get out of there,” I said in jest.

“Did your mother say anything to you about the weight gain?” She asked.

“Are you saying I’m fat?” I laughed.

“I’m just saying your mother has pregnancy radar.”

“Well, I’ve been bundled up until now, so she hasn’t really said anything. I don’t know how long she’s sticking around, but I am sure I’ll hear about it,” I laughed. I smoothed my dress down and Meg and I walked out of the bathroom. Michael, my lawyer was waiting for me.

“Are you doing okay?” He asked nervously.

“I’m okay. I just had a lot of nerves, that’s all. I’m ready though,” I took in a deep breath.

“Excellent, well, they’re waiting for us,” He smiled and put his hand on my back to push me toward the room we were in. Meg followed behind us.

I walked down the aisle and took my place with Michael behind a desk on one side of the court. Lucas and his lawyer were on the other side. I couldn’t look at him. I just couldn’t do it. I was supposed to stand, but my knees were shaky and I sat down next to Michael.

“Are you okay?” He asked me as he leaned down towards me.

“I just am nervous. My knees were going to give out,” I confided. He nodded and stood back up as the judge began to address the court.

The judge rambled off the charges and Michael and Lucas’ lawyer went back and forth discussing the allegations, the restraining order and the events that justified it all. I watched them go back and forth like a tennis match. Everything was sort of blurred. I was just waiting for a decision. Everyone talking was comparable to the teacher in Charlie Brown; it was a bunch of noise that I didn’t understand. I was getting more nauseous by the minute.

“I’m extending the restraining order, Mr. Wells,” I finally came back to reality and the fog I was in at the sound of those words by the judge. “I am also requiring you to stay at least 500 feet away from Mrs. Saporta at all times. You cannot have any contact with her and you are on probation for the next five years as well. That’s final. Case closed,” The judge was stern and hurried as if he was sick of having us in the courtroom. I was relieved. I went to stand up and fell back down again.

I was shaking like a leaf. I thought I had it together, but my body’s senses were in control of my body and not my mind. I glanced over to the other side of the aisle and Lucas’ head was hung. Courtney and who I thought to be Julie came to his side and he looked over to me. I felt this wave of relief and sadness come over me. I was sick. I gave him a weak smile and he mouthed “I’m sorry,” to me and I knew it was over and I had my closure.

“You okay?” Michael asked as he reached for me. I nodded and held the table in front of me for balance and pulled myself back up.

“Here, let me help,” My father said as he came to my side. He held his arm around my back and gripped my side and pulled me up. Rob came to me as well and grabbed my purse.

“I just feel a little overwhelmed and lightheaded,” I said as I held onto my father. He set me down on a bench outside of the courtroom and knelt in front of me.

“Do you want me to carry you?”

“No. I just need a minute,” I said putting my head in my hands. I don’t think I was frazzled from the ruling, but more from all the anticipation and actually seeing Lucas and his family again that had me overwhelmed. And add in all my pregnancy sickness and anxiety from hiding that from everyone too was a lot.

“She’s just overwhelmed,” My mother said as she sat next to me and rubbed my back.

“I’m fine…fine,” I sighed and took a deep breath and then stood up.

I walked out of the courthouse and we grabbed a cab back to my place. I just took my parents, but made plans to have everyone over later. I just needed some time to lie down and not feel so sick. And being so sick and having my family around was going to make keeping the pregnancy a secret that much harder. I was so nervous I was going to let it slip. I had to call Gabe.

I fumbled through my purse for my phone as we drove back and called Gabe. It went right to his voicemail. He was probably busy and Lipski made him turn it off or it had died. I left him a message to call me, but just hearing his voice on his voicemail made me feel more at ease and so much better.

As soon as I got home I crawled into bed and my mother came in shortly after with a glass of water. I took a sip and set it back on the night stand. My mother crawled onto the bed and cradled me in her arms as if I were still a little girl.

“How far along are you?” She asked as she kissed the top of my head. She was all non-chalant and it took me a bit off guard.

“What?” I asked with a laugh.

“Either you’ve been eating your emotions, which you don’t do or you’re pregnant,” She soothed.

“It’s probably just from the stress of the trial, no job and having Gabe gone,” I tried to play it off.

“Your boobs are massive. I’m your mother. I know how your body gains weight. And I thought you were going to try once you came back from tour?” She pressed.

“About four months,” I gave in and shook my head because I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep the secret and I knew my mother would figure it out. My mother really did have a pregnancy-radar. She once told my aunt that she was pregnant before she had even missed a period. She had this gift.

“I am sure you were waiting for Gabe to get home to tell us?” She asked hoping that was the reason. She was so excited.

“Of course…When he calls me back I’ll tell him you know,” I laughed. “This is part of why I didn’t want you to come down. It was supposed to be a surprise and you…you’ve got that weird spider sense. I know Gabe won’t be surprised you knew either.”

“You look tired. How have you been?”

“I’ve been sick…so sick. I’m having twins so it’s heightened a lot for me,” I looked up at her and she was just smiling.

“Twins? I’m a grandma two times over,” She beamed. “I’m excited for you two. Are you nervous?”

“I’m so nervous. I try and stay in bed or around the house as much as I can. I’m just scared that…that’ll all happen again,” I started to choke up.

I pulled away from my mom and I sat up and against my headboard. My mother remained to the side of me and now we were facing each other and I could see she was excited, but there was something going on in her head. She seemed to want to say something, but then just took a breath instead. The silence between us was palpable.

“What? I know it’s silly…I’m just…I feel like I can’t help feeling so scared,” I admitted.

“I know… that you probably didn’t ask your father and me about how we dealt with Jack’s death…out of politeness and I didn’t bring it up to you, aside from telling you that it gets better, because we all need to deal in our own ways. If someone told me how to get over the death of my child, and people did, I would have thought ‘who the fuck are they,’ and I did, so I know it’s your struggle and life to maneuver through. But you can ask me whatever you want. I want you to know that.”

“There were so many times that I wanted to ask you…I just didn’t want to drag it all out again. I didn’t know if me losing my baby would make you guys feel anything. And, I just was not helping myself in that time. I wasn’t smart enough to ask you guys…” My eyes welled up.
My brother, Jack, was six when he died. My parent’s at least got to enjoy six years with him. I remember that day like it happened yesterday. I don’t remember much about my childhood when I was four, except that. I remember my father picking me up from the sitter and us racing in the car. I didn’t know where we were going, but I was so scared. He was driving so fast and I just kept crying. He tried to calm me as much as he could, but I remember feeling off, like something had happened too.

Jack had fallen on the playground at school and slammed his head on the playground set up. There were wood logs that lead up stairs to a castle and he fell out and hit his head on the stairs. When we got to the hospital my mother was crying hysterically and flailing her arms while talking to a doctor. My father had scooped me into his arms. I don’t know why he didn’t leave me with the sitter. I was so young to have to see all of this, though I remember my mother asking him that too and him telling her the sitter had to leave and he didn’t know what else to do with me.

He was dead. My brother had broken his neck in the fall and died almost instantly. He was the best brother ever. I didn’t really understand what was going on at first. My parent’s sat me down to tell me that Jack had gone to heaven. I watched my parent’s try and hold it together as best they could and they seemed to pick up the pieces and adjust for me well. I remember playing with Meg all the time and spending a lot of time at her house, which helped me a lot. Maybe that’s when my parent’s had their breakdowns? I didn’t know. I never saw it and to think about it now made me thankful for that. I probably would have felt terrible, as if I weren’t enough after a while too. They did an amazing job.

When I lost my baby, I didn’t even think to ask them. I should have, but I didn’t. When I was really low at one point I thought about talking to them about it all and asking how they coped and made it out so well, but I was nervous and stubborn and wanted to do it on my own and find my own strength, which maybe wasn’t the best plan in the end. I also didn’t want to dredge up any emotions about it all. I am sure the loss itself brought a lot of emotion up for them, but I didn’t want to add to that either by asking about Jack.

“When we lost Jack I didn’t know how I was going to go on. My whole world stopped when I got the call from school. The only thing that kept me breathing and going was you. You were my baby and I was determined to not let you feel like you weren’t enough,” She sounded as if she were on the verge of tears too.

“You guys did an amazing job. I never felt cast aside or that you let Jack’s death affect how you treated me. I wish I could have been like you guys…I was such a mess.”

“You get your stubbornness from your father,” She laughed as she stroked my head and face. “You came out great. We all need to do it in our own way and maybe you needed to hit that low and come out better than before? I love you.” She reached out for me and took me back into her arms.

“I love you too,” I held my mother tighter.

“I have something for you,” She slipped out of my grasp and disappeared into the hallway before coming back with a box in her hands.

“Two things…” She said cautiously. “You already knew that we wanted to be here today, but Gabe told us we had to come despite your protests and he told me you were pregnant…he knew I would be able to tell, so he told me…not with twins though or how far you were along. But, my gosh Sadie twins? It’s crazy and amazing,” She curled up Indian-style on the bed and fiddled with the box in her hands. I sat up more and leaned my back against the headboard. “Don’t be mad at him…” She laughed.

“I’m not mad. I just now question your radar. I thought you figured it out on your own,” I wiped my eyes and let out a little laugh. Of course Gabe told her.

“Well, I would have known either way,” She smiled. “I couldn’t have asked for anyone better for you,” My parent’s loved Gabe like he was their son and that was amazing for me and for me to see them attach to him the way they did. “So…when he told me I thought it was the perfect time for me to give you this,” She handed me the box and I glanced between her and then the gift. She nodded for me to open it.

I lifted the top off the small box and pulled out a charm. The charm was circular and rimmed in gold and was fabric enclosed in glass.

“It’s from Jack’s favorite shirt. I had one made for me too after everything. It reminds me that he’s still here and that everything always ends up fine…” I got up and hugged her tightly.

“You can put it on your charm bracelet or a necklace or keychain, whatever.”

“Thank you,” I cried.

“You’re very hormonal this time around,” She teased.

“I’ve got two of them sucking out my energy,” I smiled and held the charm tightly in my hand.

“Gabe’s on the phone,” My dad said as he came into the room with my cell phone. He said good bye to Gabe and handed me the phone.

“Hey,” I answered as I took the phone.

“Your father told me the great news. I’m so relieved.”

“Yeah, my mother told me the great news too!” I said sarcastically and my mother hit my arm.

“Well…you know your mom,” He stuttered.

“Did you tell my dad too?” I relaxed just hearing his voice. He could do that to me and it was a Godsend.

“I figured your mother would tell him. You also know how she is with secrets,” He laughed.

“Thank you for everything today,” I sighed and looked to my side and my mother had left, I didn’t even feel her get off the bed.

“You’re strong, but I wanted to know people were there in place of me…” He yawned a bit.

“It was nice. Your father always finds the right words to almost make me cry too,” I laughed and laid back onto the bed.

“My dad always seems to say prolific shit to you, but he gives me nothing!” Gabe teased.

“I’m a woman. He’s still got game, you know?”

“Don’t ever say my father has ‘game,’ okay?” He laughed. “What’d he say?”

“Just that I was his daughter and he basically had to be there for me,” My eyelids were growing heavy.

“He’s always loved you more than me anyway. What are you doing tonight?”

“I…I don’t know. Just low-key…” I was exhausted all of a sudden.

“I don’t want to ruin the day, but I have a little bad news,” He hesitated.

“What’s the bad news?” I yawned.

“You know those two shows we had to cancel in the beginning of the tour because Patrick was sick?”

“Did you guys confirm the rescheduled dates?” I asked.

“Yeah, we fly back in and do the two shows. So, we just gotta push off the trip by a week. I got Lipski working on it.”

“That’s fine. You gotta do what you gotta do,” I was so tired. This stuff didn’t faze me at all. I was used to the touring and things being changed at the last minute and I knew they had to make up those two dates anyway.

“We’ll get there and to spend time alone soon enough,” He tried to assure me and I just groaned in agreement because I was just so tired.

“I’m just glad we’ll still get to go away and no more bad news,” I chuckled.

“No more bad news. I’m glad you’re safe. You don’t know how relieved I am. I can actually relax now…I’ll be home soon. Sadie?” I could hear Gabe talking, but I couldn’t form words I was almost asleep. I just mumbled. “Get some sleep my love,” He said sweetly and I tossed my phone next to me on the bed.

“Can you believe we’re going to have two grandkids at once?” I could hear my father gush.

“They’re good kids, they deserve to be happy,” I heard Gabe’s father say. I looked at the clock on the bedside table. I had been asleep for about two hours.

“I’m just glad that all this stuff with her boss is over and Gabe will be home soon to take care of her,” Meg said genuinely.

I rolled myself out of bed. They were all here for dinner and I was actually really hungry. I threw my hair back in an elastic and rubbed my eyes slightly before heading out into the living room.

“Sleeping beauty has awoken!” My father smiled at me as I walked down the hall. I grunted a bit, still groggy.

“Did you guys save me dinner?” I gave my father a hug.

“We saved you a plate in the fridge. I’ll put it in the microwave for you,” My mother was already opening the microwave to pop my dinner in; she was quick.

“Thank you!” I smiled at her and my house phone started to ring. I walked over and grabbed it. “Hello,” I answered.

“Ms. Saporta I have a visitor here to see you, a Julie Travison. Should I send her up?” My doorman asked politely.

“I’ll come down,” I said nervously and hung up the phone. “I just have to take care of something downstairs,” I sighed to make it sound like it was building related. “I’ll be right back.” I shot out the door before anyone could question me more.

Why was Julie here? Was she here to talk to me or was she here to give me a message from Lucas? I was nervous as I rode the elevator down to the lobby.

“I know you probably don’t want to see me…” She said nervously as I approached her.

“No…it’s more that I have all my friends and family upstairs and they wouldn’t want me to see you,” I said and I sat down in one of the chairs in the lobby and Julie sat across from me.

“I honestly don’t know why I’m here. I was sort of walking around all day just thinking about everything…The verdict and all. I just, I saw how nervous you were today and I don’t think everything Lucas had put you through became real till I saw you. To see exactly what he’d done to you…” She fidgeted trying to find the words. “I’m sorry for everything. Lucas will be leaving you alone – I promise.”

“I appreciate you coming here…I do. I’m just glad it’s over with. I mean, not completely for your family and Lucas, but for the most part. I just hope that we can all move on from this peacefully,” I relaxed more and felt at ease with Julie.

“That’s all we want too. I am taking Lucas to live with me for a bit and believe me I don’t want the drama affecting my kids either.”

“I’m glad…could you tell Courtney I said ‘hello,’ as well? I don’t hold anything Lucas did against you guys at all and hopefully you feel the same way about me?” I don’t know why I cared what they thought, but I did.

“How could we? None of this was your fault. I’ll tell Courtney you gave your regards,” She was so warm and nice. She put her hand on mine and gave it a little squeeze.

“Can you also tell her that I’m going to be a mother…?” I instinctively touched the side of my stomach.

“Congratulations! I will tell her that information for sure,” Julie smiled and we both stood up and there was a bit of an awkward moment where neither of us knew if we should shake hands or hug. I gave her a hug and she seemed relieved.

I waved to her as she left my building. It was an unexpected visit, but also helped me to know that she was going to do her best to make sure there was no more drama for either of our families. I was comforted by her visit. I made my way back upstairs to my apartment and I was ready to eat. I was starving.

“Everything okay?” Meg asked as I came back in. She was suspicious.

“Everything is great! They just had a question about the new keys and stuff we had made,” I assured her. She didn’t seem convinced.

“I just boiled some water for tea, do you want some decaf?” Meg asked. She was going to let it go and not press, which I was happy about.

I just wanted the rest of the night to be drama free. I wanted to revel in the fact that I had my life back and despite all the bad that had happened, good things did happen to good people. Now things could only get better. I was going to have the family with Gabe that I wanted. I was really happy.