Pretty When You Laugh

Part One

He's beautiful. I watch his fingers. Artistic. Skillful. Creation. His eyes always seem to stare deep inside of me, trying to learn all of my secrets.

But he already knows all my secrets.

Well, except that one.

But he looks at me and smiles, sweeps his hair out of his eyes. He knows it annoys me when his hair falls in his eyes, although I'll never admit how beautiful he looks when he bites his nails and his hair is in his face.

"You okay?" he asks, sitting down next to me, worry in his pretty eyes, his lips slack as he looks at me, waiting expectantly for my answer.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

He tugs on my hand. "C'mon. Let's go have a smoke." I let him pull me outside the bus. It's midnight and cold, but neither of us is willing to go back inside and grab a jacket.

He stands in front of me and lights my cigarette before lighting his own. "You're not that good of a liar." he informs me.

"I'm a good enough liar when I'm not lying to you." I say honestly. And it's true.

"So don't lie to me." He puts his hand on my shoulder. "It can't be that bad."

"Don't worry about it." I tell him, taking a drag. "You don't have to worry about me."

"If I don't, no one else will. And I know you can't look after yourself." He makes a face and I laugh. Leave it to him to make me laugh.

"See?" He hesitates for a second, then decides to say it. "You're pretty when you laugh."

My breath hitches. Did he just call me pretty?

He didn't mean it like that.

"Aww, thanks." I say like it means nothing. I push him playfully, my heart speeding up when he moves toward me again, so close I can feel his breath against my face. My cigarette falls to the pavement.

"You're pretty all the time. You know that."

I close my eyes for a second and gasp when I feel his lips against my forehead. My eyes fly open when he pulls away.

"Sorry." he mumbles, putting out his cigarette and making to head back for the bus.

I grab his arm and pull him back toward me. "You didn't have to stop."

"It's wrong." he mutters, eyes on the ground.

"I know."

"We shouldn't."

"But we both feel it."

He nods slowly.

"If I'm going to be wrong with anyone, I'd rather it be with you."

Part Two

He looks up at me with tears in his eyes. "I feel so dirty."

I pull him close to me and kiss his cheek. "Hey, hey. Don't worry. I know it's hard and I know you hate feeling like this, but the fact that we both feel it . . . well, that means it's right."

He lets out a dry sob and clenches his fists into my shirt. "I feel lost." His breath is against my cheek. "I feel like I'm going to break into a million pieces if . . . if I don't . . . don't . . ." His voice breaks.

"Do it then."

He hiccups and then pulls away from me slightly, wiping at his eyes. My entire body feels like electricity is going through it when he presses his lips to mine, his arms coming around my neck.

"I've loved you since forever." he tells me when he pulls away, our foreheads resting against each other's.

I smile. "I just remember waking up one morning and realizing how beautiful you are."

"I'm not." His eyes shut, eyelashes harsh against his pale skin.

"Gee . . ."

"Mmmm?"

"You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Even when you're sad." I lean in and kiss the tip of his nose, earning a smile. He opens his eyes. "But I hate it when you're sad."

"I'm scared." he whispers.

I thread my fingers through his. "I'll take care of you. I promise."

He smiles. "You always take care of me."

"I'll never stop."

Part Three

He wishes it were different. He wishes it weren't his brother he was looking at that way. Everyone understand it then. They wouldn't have to hide it. Kissing him and holding him wouldn't feel like such a sin. He wouldn't feel so dirty.

Mikey came in the room, then dropping his duffel bag into a chair. "Hey."

"Hey." He's smoking a cigarette and offers the pack to his brother, who takes it and sits on the couch, Indian style. Gerard holds out his cigarette and Mikey lights his own with the ember and hands it back. Gerard noticed the mark left on his brother's cigarette and looks at the younger man, bursting out laughing. "Lipstick?"

"Frankie decided my lips were 'in need of perkiness'." Mikey said, rolling his eyes and bring his hand up to his mouth, wiping it away. "What a freak."

It was moments like these that kept them sane. Moments like the ones before the kiss, the night outside the bus. That kept Gerard from reaching out and grabbing his . . . boyfriend, lover's hand? Those words were so foreign.

Mikey took another drag and reached for the remote, turning the TV onto some music channel that was playing a shampoo commercial. He turned up the volume and then put the remote down, inadvertently touching Gerard's thigh when he did.

Their eyes met and Gerard decided to stick his tongue out to avoid the awkward situation. Mikey laughed and then giggled when he heard "I'm Not Okay" playing on the television.

"Fuck yeah!" they heard Frank's voice yell through the room next to them.

Mikey muted the television for a moment, grinning as he heard his best friend maxing out the volume on his television set. The blonde turned the sound back on set the remote on his leg. "Freak." he muttered.

"You already said that."

"It was worth saying twice."

The adjoining door opened and both men thanked God they weren't kissing when they decided to leaving the fucking thing unlocked. Frankie ran into the room and bounced onto the couch. "This is the one where I kiss you and we made millions of teenyboppers swoon." he said, kissing Gerard on the cheek before leaning over him to kiss Mikey on the lips. "Wouldn't want you to feel left out." he said before running out of the room and shutting the door behind him.

Gerard laughed at the expression on Mikey's face before getting up to lock the adjoining door. "Moron."

Mikey was facing to the arm of the couch when Gerard returned, sitting on the couch only in the opposite direction. Mikey picked up his brother's hands and held them at a ninety degree angle before starting Patty-Cake, much to Gerard's amusement.

"You're as bad as Frankie sometimes." he informed his brother.

"I'm insulted."

"You should be."

"You're so mean."

"You deserve it."

"Asshole."

Gerard laughed and closed the space between them with a kiss. And this time it felt right.