This Next Songs From the Heart

It wasn’t that I couldn’t sleep; it was that I didn’t want to. If I closed my eyes, I wouldn’t be remembering one of the best nights of my life; and possibly one of the worst if I really thought about the bad side of the night. I guess I was too quick to remember the good parts, but isn’t that how it always is with everyone? You’d rather remember the good rather then the bad, even though they walk hand in hand with each other.

The small hotel room was lit poorly, smelled of moth balls and smoke and had no air conditioning. But for forty a night, I wasn’t expecting five star treatment, I was just thankful I always had my own pillow because I was not laying my head on theirs with the odd yellow stains and lumpiness. Sleeplessness needn’t be uncomfortable, as much as it is anyway. The uncomfortableness of not being able to sleep shouldn’t be added to by lumpy pillows and smelling hotel rooms. The small amount of air I had coming through the small window that only opened a half a foot was freezing against the high temperature of the room. I shoved the tiny bed up to the window and sat with my back against the breeze. No need to melt.

Things weren’t going the best, or as well as they should have been. I’d fallen out with one of my closest friends which had made my current job difficult and miserable. Filming a movie wasn’t what everyone thought it was. It wasn’t flashy lights and best friends all round. Some people you worked with were just down right bastards, the kind that had you hauling up in a crappy hotel room pulling your hairs out while trying desperately to think only about the life you left behind, the good parts.

Who knew those best parts were back when you were a teenager trying to find yourself while frantically trying to get a hold of the hormones that rushed through your body at a great rate of nots and had you thinking about things you shouldn’t have been thinking about. Lets all face it, waking up to find a certain part of your body misbehaving over a dream that consisted of your best friend in nothing but her skin rubbing herself over with some unknown fluid while moaning your name wasn’t exactly the most fun thing; not when you had a mother who insisted on walking in unannounced to open your curtains and let the ‘morning light’ in anyway.

But the truth is, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop myself from closing my eyes and picturing my prom night. Who knew something so girly and almost traumatizing could be the one thing keeping me from screaming my head off and clawing my own eyes out? There comes a time in a mans life when he just has to grow some balls and tell that constant door knocker to just fuck the hell off. Because no, I don’t know any Franks, I don’t want any guide girls cookies and no, I do not want a free trip to Paris to which I just have to give you my credit card details. Life’s just a continuos circle really; we’re born, put in diapers, grow, hit high school, hit puberty, become mouthy, grow up, hate ones self, hate everyone else except that best friend who you continue to fantasise about, get with said best friend, bring more kids into the world to start new circles, grow old, be put in diapers again then die.

There’s almost no point really. Unless you had the guts to tell your high school best friend that you wanted to make her scream your name while you fucked her into the mattress. But no one’s really like that, unless their on drugs, or extremely perverted. Which I was neither. I might have been had her father not been so criminal looking. Apparently telling a girl you’re going to fuck her so hard she’ll scream the house down while actually being half way done is the best thing imaginable. I never understood why. Some people are just like that I guess. They need to vocalize what their doing or going to do so that they know; it’s like shopping, make a list so you know what you’re going to buy. See, same thing.

Even if I’d wanted to tell her that, or wanted to do that I never would have because I happened to love her far too much to speak to her like that. Had she ever said that to me though was a completely other matter and would have resulted in me telling her exactly what I was going to do. But surely they want a bit of surprise? Maybe that’s just me. I’d rather do it then talk about it…in some things in life anyway. But no matter how hard I tried to picture that, picture me actually saying that while I was between her thighs, I just couldn’t. Guys would probably call me a pussy; where as I like to think of myself as a gentleman. No too many of us around anymore sadly.

The only thing I could picture was that dance floor, the stupid hired band who must have thought they were in Detroit for all the screaming they were doing and her. My whole world wrapped in ghostly white skin and put in a dress and heels. She couldn’t be anymore perfect then what she was on that night, well maybe she could but I couldn’t think about that right now. Moaning her name while stroking myself and being the only one in the room was normally okay, but in the current room I was in with the paper thin walls, that peculiar smell of moth balls and the old Greek man next door screaming at his TV was just weird and was no environment to which one could actually self pleasure. It was a no go zone.

You’d be amazed how easily blocking everything out had become. It was rather easy to shut out the sounds of the screaming Greek, the trains outside my window, the woman above me obviously being drilled into the floor by her ‘partner’; though in this type of place it was probably her lover or his mistress and the scratching coming from god knows where. But after spending months on end with a never ending monologue from one of my co-stars, blocking it all out was one of my main talents. Closing my eyes and ears to the world around me, leaning against the window frame; I pictured my prom night.

May 31st, 2002.

At the Prom

“How are you all tonight?” The front man of the band on stage asked into the Mic. Everyone on the dance floor screamed, like he could interpreter it. I just rolled my eyes and drank my drink.

“So the next song, it’s kind of a love song, and it kind of needs you to hold your partner close and dance slow. I’m sure you all know the song, ‘Where ever you will go by The Calling.’” Everyone cheered. “Yeah I thought you knew it. So get up, get your partner and hold them close.”

“Sam, take me to dance.” Laila smiled as she held her hand out to him. He looked at her shocked before getting up and grabbing her hand. I had to laugh at the height difference. He was somewhere up and above the six and a half foots and she was somewhere in the lower five foots. It was such a mismatch. The guitarist started a long intro, looking over everyone. Was he waiting for everyone to be dancing? I panicked. I couldn’t dance.

“Come on Jackson!” Steve yelled at me from his spot next to Sam and Laila. He was dancing with a tall skinny girl I didn’t know. They looked good together. I looked at Jess and she was biting her lip. I breathed in and got up, putting my drink on the table.

“I can’t dance, but I can hold you.” I smiled and held my hand out to her. She smiled and put hers in mine and I pulled her to her feet then to the dance floor. I drew her close and she wrapped her arms around my neck. I placed my hands on her lower back and pulled her even closer. The song started with the lyrics but I didn’t pay attention.

“This is the best night of my life Jackson and I owe it all to you.” Jessica whispered as she pressed her face into my neck.

“Every night I spend with you is the best night of my life Jess.” I muttered to her, pressing my lips into her hair. She smelt so nice!

“Get a room you two!” Steve laughed as he bumped us with his hip.

“I do believe this is meant to be romantic Steve, do I need to tell Auntie that you ruined my moment?” Jess glared.

“Jesus, I’m sorry.” Steve held his hands up in surrender; still connected to the girl and moved away from us. We were so far away from everyone else; it was like we weren’t even there. Jess rested her cheek on my chest and closed her eyes as we ‘danced’ around in circles. I waited for the first chorus to end before breathing in and holding Jess tighter. Step the special night up.

“And maybe, I’ll find out, the way to make it back someday; to watch you, to guide you, through the darkest of your days. If a great wave should fall, it would fall upon us all. Well I hope there’s someone out there who, can bring me back to you.” Jess looked up at me, stared me in the eyes as I sang her the song. It had more meaning from me then it did from the singer.

“If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go. Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go.” I kissed her forehead. I moved my left hand from her back and grabbed her left hand off my neck and curled our hands together against my chest; her hand resting against my heart.

“Runaway with my heart. Runaway with my hope. Runaway with my love.” I kissed her cheeks, kissing away the tears that ran down them and pulled back to smile at her. How could I tell her I was leaving? I gripped her hand tighter and pushed that thought to the back of my mind. I wouldn’t ruin her night with that.

“I know now, just quite how, my life and love might still go on. In your heart and your mind, I'll stay with you for all of time. If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go. Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go.” And wasn’t it true? I pressed my cheek to her forehead and closed my eyes. I was going to crush her, break her heart.

“If I could turn back time, I'll go wherever you will go. If I could make you mine, I'll go wherever you will go.” Why was I doing this? Wasn’t bringing us closer going to break her more? Would it be best if I just pushed her away now and pretend I didn’t care? To shatter her to save myself a little bit of pain? No, it wouldn’t be better. No matter what, we were both going to hurt. I would make this night the best night ever not ruin it.

“Thank you Jack, that was lovely.” Jess whispered and pressed her lips against my chest before closing her eyes and resting her head on my shoulder. I pulled her close, held her so tightly. I was going to lose her in less then a week. I was going to leave to be an actor, leave the best part of me behind. It sent a shiver down my spine. “What’s wrong Jack?” Jess asked trying to pull away to look at me, I just held her tighter.

“Nothing Jess. I just want to hold you close.” I realized then and there, that once I left I’d be dead. I wouldn’t be the same. My heart would always be with her. She went to speak but was cut off.

“Could I have your attention? Thank you. It seems the night has flown by and it’s come to the time where we crown our King and Queen.” Everyone cheered except me and Jess. I was staring at the teacher on stage and Jess was staring at me. I knew she was trying to figure out what was going on.

“And your prom queen is…” There was a melodramatic drum roll as the teacher opened a little golden envelope and pulled out a gold card. I rolled my eyes. “Jessica Helsing.” My head dropped to look at Jess. She was shocked.

“Go on, go get your crown.” I let my arms drop to my side and gestured with my head towards the stage. She just stared. Everyone was clapping and a spot light was on Jess; I stepped out of it. She blushed like crazy but still didn’t move.

“Come on up here Jessica.” The teacher grinned. She just stared at me before Steve dragged her away from me and to the stairs onto stage. I watched from the background darkness as she was crowned and given a big bunch of roses. She looked like she didn’t want to be there. She just kept watching me with worried eyes. I gave her a smile to try and make her forget about my problem. She smiled weakly and waited up on stage.

“Isn’t she beautiful?” The teacher grinned making me roll my eyes again. Several guys in the crowd yelled obscene things that had my fists balling at my sides. “And now for your king.” I watched as Marcus held his hands up in triumph and walked towards stage. This made me want to throw up. This meant they had to dance together. I didn’t want him anywhere near her. As I was having an internal battle with my thoughts a bright spotlight hit me in the eyes and I squinted and shielded my face with my hand. “Jackson Rathbone!”

“What!” Marcus shouted half way up the stairs. My mouth dropped open. I looked to Jess and she was smiling so widely. Did I just get crowned king?

“Come on Jackson.” The teacher called again. I just stood there until Steve rolled his eyes and grabbed me then shoved me up the stairs. I watched Jess as they placed the silly little crown on my head. I turned to her and pulled her into a hug. Everyone seemed to ‘Awww’ really loudly besides Marcus who you could hear swearing in the back of the room. “Go down and have your dance.”

I walked down the steps first then turned and held my hand out for Jess. Well at least she had good memories of this night. I wouldn’t mess it up with my thoughts. The spotlight was on us as I took her hand and placed my other one on her lower back, pulling her into me. The song started and we just kind of rocked on the spot. Jess didn’t blink the whole time; neither did I.

“Jack something’s wrong. You never could lie to me.”

“I’m just thinking.” I sighed and looked down at her curious eyes. God she was beautiful and I was throwing it away. I knew I could have her, have a life with her. I knew that now, I saw that when I looked in her eyes but I was still leaving. What the hell was wrong with my priorities?

“Do you want to talk about it?” She placed her hand on my cheek and looked at me. “We can leave if you want Jack.”

“No, I don’t want to leave, I’m fine. I was just thinking about how gorgeous you look tonight and wondering how the hell I managed to get you.” This was true, just in the very back of my mind considering all the horrible crap that was going on in side my head. We were suddenly surrounded by other dances.

“Liar.” Jess smiled softly but reached up and kissed me on the lips before pulling away. “You’re my Jack. You’ll always be my Jack, no one else’s. There might be someone special in your life, but you won’t be her Jack.”

“Always yours Jessica.” I smiled back at her. She stared into my eyes for a long moment before placing both her hands on the sides of my face. My hands fell to her hips; she was still pressed against me.

“Kiss me Jack.” I closed the gap and pressed my lips to hers. It was warm and soft and sweet. I pulled away after a moment and noticed a tear run down her cheek. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” I muttered, brushing my thumb over her cheek.

“You’ve never kept a secret from me Jack. I know something’s wrong, you held back. You don’t want to hurt me so you’re pushing me away slowly. Please don’t.” So I’d hurt her. She was staring at me with sparkling blue eyes, the tears falling freely now. After all I tried I’d hurt her.

“I don’t mean too…it’s just…” And I saw her heart shatter right in front of me. “God Jess, I can’t do it! I can’t live without you but I have to!” I pulled her against me, pressed my cheek against her hair and breathed her in. She may never want to talk to me again; this could be my last chance to hold her.

“I don’t understand Jack.” She was trembling in my arms.

“Not here. I don’t want to do this here. Please, just give me some time, I will tell you.” I whispered. She pulled away and looked at me. Her face was composed for a moment then her lip trembled and her eyes blurred with tears; her body shook with a wave of sobs.

“You’re leaving.” She figured it out. Her words cut my heart like razors as her voice broke over each phrase. “You’re leaving me and you won’t come back. I’ll never see you again.”

“That’s not true.” I reached for her but she stepped back. My hand dropped to my side. What had I done?

“When?” I hardly heard her voice, she was whispering so silently; it was more a gasp. She looked at me then, eyes red. She knew; I had to tell her now. “When do you leave? Please no more lies, just tell me.”

“A week.” I muttered. I looked up at the sound of her sharp intake of air and regretted it. She was holding back sobs, trying to keep herself together when I could see her coming apart at the seams. I could feel the sharp pricks behind my eyes and knew anyone could look at me and know I was about to cry. But what did I care? Steve and Sam would sort them out if they said anything. “Jess…” I started, she just shook her head, her tears falling quickly before turning and running out of the hall. I went to run after her when Steve grabbed my arm and turned me to face him.

“What was that about?” He asked. Sam came up to us with Laila at his side and looked me over.

“I have to go.” I tried to get out of his grip but he just grabbed me with his other hand and shook me.

“What did you do to her?” He shook me again. Sam put his hand on Steve’s shoulder and eased him away from me.

“I just…I…I have to go.” I turned and ran straight into Marcus.

“Watch it pretty boy!” Marcus yelled, shoving me.

“Fuck off Marcus!” I pulled my arm back and punched him in the nose before sprinting out of the hall. I pushed through the doors leading out and ran to the edge of the steps. I looked around, spinning in a circle but couldn’t find her anywhere. Where had she gone? “Jess!” I yelled as loud as I could but got nothing. I leaned forward and let my face drop into my hands. When I looked up I saw her shoes a few steps down and ran to them. I picked them up and looked around.

“What’s wrong Jackson?” It was Sam who followed me, alone. I just turned to him with Jess’s heels in my hands and stared. He looked around before pulling his phone out. “Dean, get here right now. No don’t argue, Jess ran off. We need the car to get to her place to see if she went there.” He hung up and walked over to me. “He’ll be here soon. We’ll find her. What made her run off?”

“She found out I’m leaving.” I muttered. I couldn’t stop the tears from spilling over my eyelids or my bottom lip from trembling. “What if she gets hurt Sam? It’s all my fault!”

“Chill. She probably just went home to think. She just needs space; don’t look too deeply into it until we know something more.” I sat down on the steps and held my head in my hands. It was dark out side and it started to rain. A crack of lightening ripped across the sky and my head shot up to look at it. I had to know if she was okay. “We’ll find her Jackson.”

“This is my fault.” I whispered as I watched the sky light up purple. Sam was about to speak when the deep purr of Deans Impala pulled our attention to the curb. He put the window down and yelled at us.

“Get in!” We got up and ran to his car and jumped in. “What the hell is going on? Is Jess stuck in this? What the hell was she thinking running off into this?”

“It wasn’t storming when she ran off Dean.” Sam sighed.

“Why did she run off?”

“She figured out that I’m leaving.” I muttered from the back seat, staring at her shoes in my hands. “I should have told her earlier.”

“You’re damn right you should have. She’s bloody stuck in this!” Dean yelled; speeding down the rain slicked road.

“Dean, don’t. He’s beating himself up as it is, he doesn’t need you bashing him too.” Sam sighed again.

“So what’s the plan?” Dean asked irritated. And he was right to be. It was my entire fault.

“Go to her place. See if she went there. If her parents might know anything. If she called them.” Sam rambled on but I zoned out. I’d screwed it all up. Seventeen years of best friendship and I messed it up. Hadn’t I wanted her more then anything in the world? What was wrong with me? Why was I throwing it all away? I was pulled out of my train of thoughts when Dean shut the car off and got out. I got out after them and ran to the front door only to find a note taped to it.

‘Jess honey, we hope you had a wonderful prom and we’re sorry we can’t be home when you get there. But uncle Garry called up and Selma is in hospital. We had to leave as soon as possible. We trust you with the house, no parties. Love you. Mum and Dad.’

“She’s not here then.” Dean announced. I turned to stare at him. “She would have taken the note off the door. Plus, there are no lights on. She’s not here.”

“How do you know that? Do you think that maybe she didn’t care for the note? That maybe she doesn’t care about being in a lit room?” I glared at him and yelled.

“Well maybe if you actually cared about her in the first place then we wouldn’t be here looking for her because she wouldn’t have run off!” Dean shot back angrily. I stepped up to him, dropping Jess’s shoes and hit him in the mouth. He dabbed at his lip, it was swelling and bleeding; and stared at me. He stepped towards me to hit me back when Sam stepped between us.

“Stop it! Don’t fight! Dean, don’t question Jackson about how he feels. You know as well as anyone in this whole bloody town that he loves her more then anyone. He would never hurt her on purpose.” Then he looked at me. “But Jackson, Dean’s right, you have to trust him on this. She’s not here.”

“Hit me again, and I’ll land you on your ass Jackson.” Dean warned.

“When the times right I’ll give you a reason to put me in the ground.” I muttered to myself. Who knows what kind of trouble Jess could be in? It was bad enough that she ran off into the night let alone that it was now storming.

“Jackson, you need to think, where would she go?” Sam asked me.

“What do you mean?” I asked raking my hands through my wet hair.

“A place she’d feel safe.” Dean rushed, obviously over me hitting him. He was too worried about Jess. “Somewhere where she’d want to go; that only you and her would know about.”

“Some place special. It might be a spot where you both shared something close. Like a kiss or something important that she would want to go back to.” Sam added.

“There are a couple of places.” I mumbled.

“In the car. We’ll split up to cover more ground. Knowing Jess she’s probably upset and crying, so she’s not paying attention where she’s running. She could be hurt so you need to have a phone on you.” Dean said sternly before heading to his car.

“Sam, go to the field out back of Leigh’s place.” I said as I grabbed his jacket.

“The one near the barn? With the old willow?” He asked.

“Yes. If she isn’t there, try the pier by the lake.”

“What about you?” He asked.

“I have another place to check. I have my phone on me; I’ll call you if I find her. Go.” Sam nodded and ran to the car. I waited on the porch until they were out of sight then ran around the back and into the forest. It was raining heavily and the drops felt like ice as they hit my face. “Please be here.” I whispered to myself as I ran as fast as I could through the trees.

A crack of lightening lit the sky and my path and made me stop for a second before rushing forward. I dropped to my knees on the soaked ground and brushed the hair out of her face. “Jess, wake up.” I looked her over to see if she was hurt but couldn’t find anything wrong with her except for a gash on her forehead from where she must have hit her head when she fell. “Please wake up Jess.” I put my arm under her neck and lifted her up.

“…Ja-ck?” Her eyes didn’t open but they scrunched up against the rain.

“Yeah Jess it’s me.” I grabbed my phone and dialed Sam’s number. “I got her; I’m taking her home now.” He said they’d meet me at her place and I hung up.

“Jack…” Jess whispered but still didn’t open her eyes. I put my arm under her knees and lifted her into my arms and off the ground. Her body just slumped against me like she had no energy to keep herself up.

“Yeah Jess I’m here. It’s alright, I’ve got you. I’m taking you home.” If it wasn’t for her body shaking with her sobs I wouldn’t have known she was crying. The rain had seemed to pick up and I walked as fast as I could back to her house. When I got to the porch Sam and Dean were waiting and got to their feet straight away. Sam opened the door and held it open for me.

“She looks pretty bad.” Dean mumbled. I just held her tighter in my arms and carried her up stairs.

“You right to look after her?” Sam asked.

“Yeah thanks, I’ll call you if I need your help.” I muttered as I walked to Jess’s room. They left in silence. I went into the bathroom joined to her room and placed her on the counter. “Does your head hurt?” I asked her as I held her face in my hands. She didn’t answer. I filled the sink with warm water and got a cloth to clean the blood and make up off her face. She didn’t even wince when I touched the cut, which started bleeding again. When I finished that I took all the pins out of her hair and lightly combed my fingers through the wet strands.

I got a towel and lightly patted her hair dry as much as I could before helping her stand up. I undid the zip of her dress and pulled it down before chucking it into the bath. She was shivering in my arms as I sat her back on the counter.

“I’m going to get you something to wear to bed, I’ll be right back.” I lightly kissed her on the cheek before turning to leave. I rushed to find her a t-shirt for bed and got her a pair of underpants due to the ones she wore being soaked from the rain. I went back into the bathroom and she hadn’t moved an inch. I went to her and stood in front of her and just stared at her face. I stroked her freezing cold cheek softly when she opened her eyes to look at me. “Put these on, then I’ll put you in bed okay.”

She just stared but didn’t make a move to change. I knew I had to do it, if I didn’t she wouldn’t and she’d get sick. I lifted the shirt to her head and slipped it on then helped her put her arms through the holes. I pulled it down, then reached under the shirt to the strap of her bra and undid it, pulled it out from underneath the shirt and threw it to the bath. I got her to stand and thanked the lord that the shirt was more like a dress. I moved quickly, pulling her underpants down before pulling the dry pair up. When I looked her in the eyes she was completely empty.

“Jess…” I whispered as I held her face in my hands. She just closed her eyes and went limp in my hands. I picked her up and carried her to bed before placing her under the blankets. I went to pull away when she gripped my hand and looked up at me.

“Please don’t go.” Her voice was so weak. “Just stay with me now.”

“I’ll just call my dad.” I went to pull away but she wouldn’t let my hand go. I didn’t try to pull away from her, and got my phone out and dialed home. “Hey dad, yeah it was great, I’ll be staying with Jess tonight. She’s not feeling too great and her parents had to go out, family emergency. I’ll call you tomorrow. I won’t dad. Night.” I put the phone on the bedside table and went to sit down before remembering I was sopping wet. “Just let me get changed. I’ll be five seconds.”

“Okay.” She let go of my hand slowly before rolling over and facing her back to me. I went to her draws and pulled out a pair of my boxers that I always had here in case I stayed over. I went to the bathroom and threw all my wet clothes in the bath with hers before pulling my dry boxers on and heading back into the dark room. I sat on the edge of her bed and stroked her cheek.

“I’ll be in the other room if you need me.” I said softly.

“No, stay with me.” She took my hand and held it, kissing my palm before pulling my arm around her chest. I got under the blankets and pulled her against me, wrapping my other arm around her. She rested her head on my arm and snuggled into my touch, she was so cold. I tightened my grip around her and pulled her as close as I could get her. “Jack…”

“Yeah Jess?” I kissed into her hair, loving how she smelt and closed my eyes.

“You’ll always be my Jack.” And we fell asleep.

The loud banging on the door, the loud screaming of the angry Greek man, the over-the-top moaning of the female up stairs, the room shaking train shooting past the window, the loud ringing of my phone and the heavy sound of rain thrashing against the glass pulled me out of my memory.

Sprawled across my bed, I sighed and rubbed my eyes. Red and sore and stinging with dryness. I wished I could just go back in time and change it all, but who didn’t wish they could change their past? Lying back on the bed and shoving my face down into my pillow, I decided I was going to do something about it. Fuck staying in this shitty hotel, hiding away from the annoyance of the everyday, when I could go back and try and get my high school love back.