Things Have Changed

Ryan and I didn’t even try to act normal after the ‘incident’. We just stopped talking altogether. It was awkward whenever we were in the same room together or sitting next to each other and I’m pretty sure everyone else noticed.

What I told Ryan that morning came out all wrong. I was being heartless and cruel. I loved Ryan, but not in the way he liked me and we both struggled to come to terms with that. I missed Ryan a lot. In the month that we had become friends we had become inseparable and now it feels like I’ve lost him all over again.

Ryan had also bought up another point which I had spent all tour trying to suppress. Was I still in love with Brendon?
No.
It had been two years...two years of thinking about him constantly.
He had been an asshole to me all tour... but why did I seem to lose all control of myself whenever he’s around.
I had no idea if I was still in love with him, but I was ready to finally admit that there I still have feelings for him.
Were they left over from high school or did I still really like him I had no idea. I also had no idea if he still felt the same way...well, judging from the way he acts around me I’m pretty sure there aren’t any feelings there at all.

“So he just came out and said it?” Ella gasped her mouth still gaping half an hour after I told her “So what did you say?”

I sighed “I told him I didn’t love him.”

“What? Straight out like that?” Ella practically yelled.

I nodded shamefully.

“Gee talk about tearing the poor kid in half. Shit, I had no idea he still felt that way about you.”

“Neither did I,” well, maybe that was a bit of a lie. After thinking about in more and more there were so many time that we had acted like we were more than friends and maybe he thought we were. Guilt washed over me as I came to the realisation that I was leading him on that this was my fault, that I had hurt Ryan again.

About fifteen minutes into Panic’s set I went back to the bus Lilly there watching a horror movie on TV.

She didn’t even look away from the TV as I got on the bus “I heard what happened with you and Ryan.”

“Oh” I said, a little taken back “Did you hear me and Elle?”

“No” she said bitterly “Ryan told me, you told Ella before you told me?”

I sighed “Lilly she is one of my best friends.”

“So what have I been for the last two years?” she cried.

“Lilly” I sighed, “You’re one of my best friends too.”

“No I am not, don’t bother lying to me. I’ve spent more time with everyone else on this tour except you. It’s just been you and Ella all the fucking time! Why did you even bother bringing me if you were going to spend all your time with her.”

“Lilly can you get over yourself” I said quickly “She’s my best friend and so are you. I’m sorry that I’ve been hanging around with Ella so much, I haven’t seen her for two years. Nothing’s stopping you from hanging around with us!”

“She fucking hates me!”

I sighed. Lilly was right, they both hated each other they seemed to fight over everything. I collapsed onto the couch in an exhausted heap “Lil, I’m sorry, I really am.”

She looked down at me “Liz, I get that she’s your best friend and all that but still, I’d like to
maybe spend a little time with my best friend.”

I smiled and nodded sitting down next to her on the couch.

“So what are you going to do about this whole Ryan thing?” she asked.

“I don’t know” I whinnied “I guess I’m just going to have to talk to him about it.”

“He misses you.”

“You’ve been talking to him?”

“Well I’ve had to make friends with other people while you disappeared.” She smiled.

“Have you been speaking to Brendon?” I asked quickly.

“Yeah why?”

“H-has he said anything about me?”