Things Have Changed

Drifting somewhere between consciousness and sleep I heard my bunk curtain open. I forced my eyes to flutter open before rapidly closing then again sleep was beginning to overtake me. Brendon was kneeling in front of my bunk. He was so close to me, I could feel his breath on my skin and immediately I knew I had missed it. I begged myself to stay awake, hoping, praying that this wasn’t a dream. I felt his hand reach out and push my fringe from in front of my eyes. I could feel myself drifting to sleep but I tried to stay awake. I knew that if I was to open my eyes the moment would be gone and Brendon would walk off and I didn’t want him to leave.

He laughed quietly to himself “Fuck Liz, you just as beautiful as the day you left” as he spoke the hurt in his voice was enough to tear me apart more than anything Ryan and Ella had told me.
He went quiet and I felt myself again drifting to sleep but he spoke again, keeping me slightly awake “I’ve missed you so...so damn much and although you’ve been a fucking bitch to me all tour I know I’m going to miss you when you’re gone. I’m so sorry for being an ass... for everything. I know you fucking hate me and,” he laughed quietly “I don’t even know what I’m saying to be honest, I just miss the way we were y’know,” his hand began stroking my cheek. It took all of my strength not to open my eyes but I knew if I did I would ruin everything. “I kinda wish I could talk to you the way I talk to you now all the time.”
He went quiet and all I could hear was his heavy breathing and I could still feel his hand on my cheek. I was just about to fall asleep when I felt his plump lips against my cheek. I wanted to pinch myself to see if I was awake but I couldn’t move my hands. His lips lingered on my cheek for a few seconds before he pulled away. I felt him still hovering above me and his hand was again stoking my cheek. As sleep finally won its fight against me I could help but think how creepy this would be if it wasn’t Brendon.

**************

I began dividing up my time between Lilly and Ella. I would spend an hour with Lilly at the front of the bus before spending another hour Ella and so on and so forth. Ryan made sure he was always on the other side of the bus than me.

I had begun to believe that the incident with Brendon was just a dream for two reasons. He kept on acting like his usual self over breakfast this morning and no one else had heard his confession. It’s cruel what you mind can do to you.

This was the last city show the band would be performing before they were going back into the smaller towns of London. I was not looking forward to that, gravel roads and potholes aren’t quite my cup of tea.

I watched Brendon dance, sing and do whatever else he wanted to do around the stage in awe. He had the audience on a string and they hung desperately to every word that fell from his mouth. He was a true showman.

After the show everyone went out clubbing. I hadn’t been clubbing in over a month but for some reason I didn’t want to go. I found the idea of grinding against someone I didn’t know while getting completely smashed utterly repulsive.

I spent the night on the bus, alone. I watched TV and tried to write up some of the article and amazingly enough actually wrote up a few paragraphs. But what I spent most of the night doing was thinking. I had done more thinking in the past month that I have in the past three years. I thought about what I was doing with my life, and if I was enjoying it. Of course, I thought about my friends, about my situation with Ryan and with Brendon. Perhaps I didn’t think too often because it was so exhausting. I went to bed and then discovered another reason why I didn’t think too much, when you start, you can’t stop. So I lay quietly in my bunk, thinking.

“Fuck, oh, fuck Brendon” the curtains rustled before a body almost fell into my bunk, Brendon had obviously picked up.

There was a massive smash followed by a loud giggle “Obviously you don’t do this too often” a female voice giggled “Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle.”

“Who said I wanted you to be gentle?” Brendon asked in a husky voice.

Okay, we may be all stuck on a together and we may have to put up with all of each other’s disgusting habits (and trust me, there were). However, I did not want to have to listen to Brendon fucking some random all night long.

“Brendon!” I yelled getting out of my bunk “Please do not fuck her while I’m here!”

“Well can you hurry up and go?” he asked removing his lips from the brunette who was currently straddling him.

“Seriously Brendon, be at least half civil about all this.”

“Fuck off Liz” he replied lazily.

“Brendon” I whinnied “Come on, can’t you please just get a hotel room?”

Brendon ignored me, simply closing the curtain and pulling the girl back onto him.

That night I was forced to hear Brendon and the girl, fucking, multiple times. I was forced to hear her make him moan and scream her name, while wishing it was my name he was moaning.