Things Have Changed

“Bren, Brendon” I said quietly standing outside of his bunk.

He popped his head out from the curtain “Yes?”

“Can, can I come in?” he sighed and pulled the curtain open and let me in before closing it again “Are you angry at me?” I asked quietly.

He sighed again and ran a hand through his hair “I don’t know, I-I just. Why? I don’t get why you did it?”

“Bren, you don’t un-”

“Did he rape you?” his voice shook slightly as he asked me.

“N-no b-but, I don’t know, I- I didn’t want to sleep with him, I had too. Brendon, I’m really sorry - ” I began, not even knowing what to apologise about.

“Shh” he whispered leaning over to take my hand. Subconsciously I jumped away; Brendon’s behaviour scared me more than he had thought. Hurt flashed across his face and I immediately felt guilty.

“Sorry Bren... you really really scared me, I’m sorry” my eyes watered up but I quickly blinked away the tears. I looked up at Brendon, his was biting his lips, and his brow was furrowed. “Are you going to say anything?” I asked after a few minutes of silence.

He stayed quiet, the flower patterned sheets of his bunk suddenly becoming very interesting. I sighed “Look Brendon, I’m not going to lie, everything was bought back to reality today, I thought... I thought you were going to hit me or something. I really didn’t like that part of you, and I don’t want to be walking on eggshells when you’re around.” My voice cracked and a few tears escaped from my eyes. I gave him a few minutes, well more like a few seconds to answer and when he didn’t I left, honestly not knowing what was going on anymore.

I was walked into the back lounge “And the worst part about all this is,” Ella said loudly “that Lilly was like becoming in my top 10 bffs.”

“You don’t even have ten bffs Spencer retorted.

“How do you know I don’t have ten bffs?”

“Okay, just stop with all the bffs, I hate that word.” I rolled my eyes and began to make myself a coffee.

The smile fell from Ella’s face as soon as she saw me. She leapt up from the couch and quickly ran over too me, engulfing me in a warm hug.
“Oh my god honey I am so sorry about everything.”

“It’s fine” I said my tone easily disguising how I was really feeling.

“Babe,” she looked down at me quietly “I’m really sorry about your job,” she smiled reassuringly and led me down to the couch “I’m sure you’ll get another one, you’re amazing at writing.”

I shrugged my shoulders “I don’t want to write, or do anything like that anymore.”

“Shhh, you don’t know what you’re saying, tomorrow you’ll be up and applying for jobs all over London.” She smiled.

“No, Ella, I don’t think I will, I don’t like the pressure of that type of job. I don’t like the way I am when I’m under pressure.”

“So what do you want to do?” Jon asked.

I shrugged pulling my legs up to my chest “I still want to work with people, just not in that, not in that situation. Do you get what I mean?”

Everyone nodded “Oh, my god!” Ella squealed “You can come on tour with us! You can do merch... you’d still be dealing with people. We could travel the world together and go shopping it’d be so awesome...”

Ella continued to rant but my mind was elsewhere. As a person, I was in uncharted waters. I had never been in this position in my life. I have no family, no job and I am living off of my ‘boyfriend’ whom I don’t even know if he still wants to be my boyfriend after today. I had no idea where my life was going, or where I wanted it to be going. I was lost, fucked up and confused. And the worst part of all of that was that I knew it. It was like I was in an out of control car speeding towards a busy intersection with no way of stopping, like I was free falling from a cliff knowing that the hard ground was fast approaching. It was like I was on a bus in the middle of nowhere with no idea where I was going or where the ride would end.

“And Brendon, oh my god he would love for you to come, and all six of us can be all together all the time. Arrgh you should go ask Brendon right now! Liz...Liz...what’s wrong?”

My whole body began to ache when Brendon’s name was mention and my calm exterior crumbled. Before I knew it I was crying, my whole body was shaking. Ella’s arms were wrapped around my trembling body and Jon was rubbing my back soothingly while Spencer got up to make me some hot chocolate. Ella had trained him well.

Ryan came inside stopping when he saw me crying and walked over to me, taking a hold of both of my hands “Liz, are you okay?”

“Ryan” I asked regaining my composure in front of him “Why are you such an asshole?”

“W-what?”

“Why are you such a goddamn dickhead for?”

He rolled his eyes walking away from me “Liz, maybe you should start-”

“Shut up” I snapped “I think, you just love to see me depressed don’t you? When my life is completely fucked up you all of a sudden pop up so... so you can take advantage of me when I’m fucking scared or down about something don’t you?”

Ryan didn’t respond and his expression was unreadable. Unfortunately, he didn’t yell back and unfortunately, no one told me to shut either so I continued to tear Ryan up.

“You’re fucking pathetic Ryan you know that right? This tour hasn’t been the first time you’ve pulled a stunt like that on me has it, remember in high school huh? Of course you do, it’s all probably written down in your fucking notebook and made into songs equally as pathetic as you! You sit around acting all top shit Ryan but really, you’re worse than the rest of us! What happened to Allessia huh? Your girlfriend of what, three years the one who apparently looks just like me, the one you replaced me with? Oh yeah, you broke up with her right before you went on tour with me, yeah, I don’t find that much of a coincidence.”

Everyone in the room exchanged awkward glances, knowing I had over stepped the mark well and truly.

“I tell you what Liz,” Ryan sighed walking over to make himself a coffee “I don’t even know why I bother with you, fuck, sometimes I think I see glimpses of the old Liz, the one I really fell in love with. But, fuck, that Liz is long gone and I’m sick of biting my tongue around you. You are fucking hopeless Liz-”

“I -”

“Don’t you dare try to fucking cut me off okay” he bellowed “I’m just saying what everyone is thinking. You have your own flavour of the week it was Lilly, me, Ella and then Brendon! Whose it gonna be next Liz huh? Jon or Spencer considering they’re the only two left, or are you gonna just drop us all. Fuck, I honestly hate every part of you and I fucking hate the way you have everyone wrapped around your finger. You are a slut and in all honesty, I hope Brendon hurts you. Fuck, I hope he hurts you as bad as you hurt us. I hope he hurts you real bad ‘cause fuck, you deserve it.”

I waited for him to leave the room before breaking down again my whole body shaking and contorting uncontrollably. As much as I tried to act that Ryan’s words didn’t affect me, they did. Before I knew it I was leaning over the toilet vomiting and crying at the same time, I knew this was my fault and I had bought it upon myself. Although Jon, Spencer and Ella were by my side comforting me the only person I really wanted was Brendon.