Status: Active.
Dear Gravity You've Held Me Down
This Puppet That You've Become
I padded into my room and sat on the edge of my bed, glaring at my still full closet, before reaching for my phone.
‘Jen quit work, help,’ I hit send and hoped that neither one of them would think I crossed a line.
I bit at my thumb nail as I waited for a response, hoping I wouldn’t get yelled at; but then again Patrick knew what I had gone through today, so hopefully he’d be gentle if he was upset with me.
‘Kk,’ beeped across my screen and with that I settled down into the middle of my bed, curling up and facing away from my closet. I hadn’t even touched a single article and now that was a task for another day. On top of that, I now had to find something to wear for William’s birthday, but now with Jenn as unemployed as I was I’d really have to spend less. I really hoped Patrick would be able to help her out sooner rather than later, because both of us couldn’t be out of work. We have rent to pay and groceries to get.
Groaning I pulled the blankets over my head and forced the daunting grown up problems away and willed myself to sleep.
…
I screamed out in frustration as I threw item after item to the floor. I had successfully put off returning to my closet for a week and now I had to pick out an outfit for tonight, William’s birthday dinner. I caught a glimpse of myself in my mirror, big baggy sweat pants I had stolen from Patrick earlier in life, a loose black tank and my face blotchy and wet from crying.
I had wanted to look nice, but nothing I had was me anymore and I didn’t know what I should wear in the first place. Was it a fancy restaurant, or a dinner; was it just us or a group of people? I would have asked earlier, but I was too paranoid to do so. I wanted to do my face, to be beautiful, but I remember that William had criticized the way I used to do my make up, and that was all I knew how to do.
I dived back into the closet throwing everything onto the floor in giant heaps. I was so into it that I didn’t hear Jenn come in, let alone that she had even spoken.
“Meghan!” She shook my arm desperately, worry etched onto her face, as she observed the warzone. I froze completely, a pink dress handing off my fingers, my eyes wide with shock.
“Meghan, are you okay? I’ve been trying to get your attention for a while,” She reached out and softly took the dress from me, placing it down on the floor. She then lightly pulled me to my bed, pushing me down to sit on the edge.
I shook my head to say no, before a sob overtook me. Her eyes widened in alarm and she quickly pulled me into a huge hug. I could tell from the way she held me that she was scared, this was some new freak out she’s never seen before. It was new to me too, but my thoughts were less scared and more frantic. I needed to look good for this, whatever this was, and nothing I have is good enough, I’m not good enough.
She pulled away after a bit, still holding my arms she looked into my face, “What’s wrong?” She whispered.
“I have nothing to wear,” I sobbed, my hand reaching up and covering my face, my body rocking back and forth a little as I found the motion soothing.
“Okay, well, would you like help?” Her voice was sympathetic, and I nodded. “Okay, I’ll go through and pull out choices and you say yes or no. Does that sound alright?” I nodded in response not trusting my voice.
For the next little while Jenn would hold up a dress and I would either shake my head for no, or shrug for maybe. It was slow going, and anything but easy, but my maybe pile was a decent size when there was a knock on the door. I was filled with panic as my head shot towards my alarm clock and noticed the time.
Jenn stood and started towards the door, “Go through your maybe pile, and I’ll get the door,” With that she closed my door.
I stayed seated however, straining to hear everything as she opened the door and greeted our visitor. I heard a male voice rumble in response, and quickly darted towards the maybe pile, and started throwing things left and right as I looked for the right outfit. My bedroom door opened and closed, but I ignored it and kept analyzing my clothes before tossing them behind me. I heard a deep sigh before I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Nothing’s right!” I cried, tears running down my cheek.
“Just wear something comfortable then,” I froze upon realising that it was not Jenn in my room. I slowly turned around and came face to face with William. “Hi,” He smiled.
“Hi,” I mumbled back.
“Jenn said she was worried, that you were in a frantic state earlier. She said I could come in and try to help, as I know where we’re eating and how you should dress,” His face was kind as he reached up and wiped my tears away. “What you’re wearing now is fine,”
I bit my lip and studied him; he was dressed in black jeans, with a white v-neck shit under a black leather jacket. I then gave him the best ‘bullshit’ face I could muster. He chuckled and shook his head, “I know you don’t believe me, but I would gladly be seen with you in what you’re wearing,”
Sighing I looked down at the sweat pants, “Let me change my pants,” With that I stood up and walked past him to my drawer, and pulled out the first pair of jeans I saw. For a moment I forgot he was there and started to untie the pull on the sweats before I remembered. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw that he was still seated on the floor among the mess of clothes, but he wasn’t observing the destruction like Jenn had, instead his full attention was directed to me. It made me falter a little, but then I found my voice again, “Can you go wait in the living room?” I asked.
“Yeah, sure,” He smiled and pushed up from the floor and left the room, with a quick glance back at me before he closed the door behind him.
I changed quickly, and then headed to the washroom, to wash my face, before I entered the living room. Much to my surprise Patrick was sitting on the couch beside William, the latter was in the middle between Jenn and the former. I eyed the scene cautiously, to my knowledge they have barley spoken, besides the few texts Patrick sent her to help her become employed. I knew why he was here though, or at least I thought I did, it was me. I had scared Jenn so badly that she had reached out to Patrick, despite the fact that they were currently not speaking. It was like being the kid in a bad divorce.
I cleared my throat and everyone jumped a little, William stood quickly and the look on his face showed that he felt as awkward as I did to be in the room. “Well, let’s go,” He smiled at me and headed to the door.
I paused for a second looking at them, both looking at me and tried to tell myself that he was here for something else. Maybe he had had enough and had come to settle whatever was wrong. “Bye,” I whispered, and followed William to the door.
‘Jen quit work, help,’ I hit send and hoped that neither one of them would think I crossed a line.
I bit at my thumb nail as I waited for a response, hoping I wouldn’t get yelled at; but then again Patrick knew what I had gone through today, so hopefully he’d be gentle if he was upset with me.
‘Kk,’ beeped across my screen and with that I settled down into the middle of my bed, curling up and facing away from my closet. I hadn’t even touched a single article and now that was a task for another day. On top of that, I now had to find something to wear for William’s birthday, but now with Jenn as unemployed as I was I’d really have to spend less. I really hoped Patrick would be able to help her out sooner rather than later, because both of us couldn’t be out of work. We have rent to pay and groceries to get.
Groaning I pulled the blankets over my head and forced the daunting grown up problems away and willed myself to sleep.
…
I screamed out in frustration as I threw item after item to the floor. I had successfully put off returning to my closet for a week and now I had to pick out an outfit for tonight, William’s birthday dinner. I caught a glimpse of myself in my mirror, big baggy sweat pants I had stolen from Patrick earlier in life, a loose black tank and my face blotchy and wet from crying.
I had wanted to look nice, but nothing I had was me anymore and I didn’t know what I should wear in the first place. Was it a fancy restaurant, or a dinner; was it just us or a group of people? I would have asked earlier, but I was too paranoid to do so. I wanted to do my face, to be beautiful, but I remember that William had criticized the way I used to do my make up, and that was all I knew how to do.
I dived back into the closet throwing everything onto the floor in giant heaps. I was so into it that I didn’t hear Jenn come in, let alone that she had even spoken.
“Meghan!” She shook my arm desperately, worry etched onto her face, as she observed the warzone. I froze completely, a pink dress handing off my fingers, my eyes wide with shock.
“Meghan, are you okay? I’ve been trying to get your attention for a while,” She reached out and softly took the dress from me, placing it down on the floor. She then lightly pulled me to my bed, pushing me down to sit on the edge.
I shook my head to say no, before a sob overtook me. Her eyes widened in alarm and she quickly pulled me into a huge hug. I could tell from the way she held me that she was scared, this was some new freak out she’s never seen before. It was new to me too, but my thoughts were less scared and more frantic. I needed to look good for this, whatever this was, and nothing I have is good enough, I’m not good enough.
She pulled away after a bit, still holding my arms she looked into my face, “What’s wrong?” She whispered.
“I have nothing to wear,” I sobbed, my hand reaching up and covering my face, my body rocking back and forth a little as I found the motion soothing.
“Okay, well, would you like help?” Her voice was sympathetic, and I nodded. “Okay, I’ll go through and pull out choices and you say yes or no. Does that sound alright?” I nodded in response not trusting my voice.
For the next little while Jenn would hold up a dress and I would either shake my head for no, or shrug for maybe. It was slow going, and anything but easy, but my maybe pile was a decent size when there was a knock on the door. I was filled with panic as my head shot towards my alarm clock and noticed the time.
Jenn stood and started towards the door, “Go through your maybe pile, and I’ll get the door,” With that she closed my door.
I stayed seated however, straining to hear everything as she opened the door and greeted our visitor. I heard a male voice rumble in response, and quickly darted towards the maybe pile, and started throwing things left and right as I looked for the right outfit. My bedroom door opened and closed, but I ignored it and kept analyzing my clothes before tossing them behind me. I heard a deep sigh before I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Nothing’s right!” I cried, tears running down my cheek.
“Just wear something comfortable then,” I froze upon realising that it was not Jenn in my room. I slowly turned around and came face to face with William. “Hi,” He smiled.
“Hi,” I mumbled back.
“Jenn said she was worried, that you were in a frantic state earlier. She said I could come in and try to help, as I know where we’re eating and how you should dress,” His face was kind as he reached up and wiped my tears away. “What you’re wearing now is fine,”
I bit my lip and studied him; he was dressed in black jeans, with a white v-neck shit under a black leather jacket. I then gave him the best ‘bullshit’ face I could muster. He chuckled and shook his head, “I know you don’t believe me, but I would gladly be seen with you in what you’re wearing,”
Sighing I looked down at the sweat pants, “Let me change my pants,” With that I stood up and walked past him to my drawer, and pulled out the first pair of jeans I saw. For a moment I forgot he was there and started to untie the pull on the sweats before I remembered. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw that he was still seated on the floor among the mess of clothes, but he wasn’t observing the destruction like Jenn had, instead his full attention was directed to me. It made me falter a little, but then I found my voice again, “Can you go wait in the living room?” I asked.
“Yeah, sure,” He smiled and pushed up from the floor and left the room, with a quick glance back at me before he closed the door behind him.
I changed quickly, and then headed to the washroom, to wash my face, before I entered the living room. Much to my surprise Patrick was sitting on the couch beside William, the latter was in the middle between Jenn and the former. I eyed the scene cautiously, to my knowledge they have barley spoken, besides the few texts Patrick sent her to help her become employed. I knew why he was here though, or at least I thought I did, it was me. I had scared Jenn so badly that she had reached out to Patrick, despite the fact that they were currently not speaking. It was like being the kid in a bad divorce.
I cleared my throat and everyone jumped a little, William stood quickly and the look on his face showed that he felt as awkward as I did to be in the room. “Well, let’s go,” He smiled at me and headed to the door.
I paused for a second looking at them, both looking at me and tried to tell myself that he was here for something else. Maybe he had had enough and had come to settle whatever was wrong. “Bye,” I whispered, and followed William to the door.