Dear Gravity You've Held Me Down

The tension between Patrick and me intensified once Megz and William walked out. Even though Patrick and I had somewhat reconciled we really weren't talking, at least not like before. For some reason he was still avoiding seeing me, and the only time when we did see each other was when Megz was around.

I look at Patrick, he looked like he was deep in thought, I wanted to say something, the silence was killing me.

“So, any luck with the job hunting?” Patrick finally asks

“Sort of, there is one that looks promising.”

“Oh?”

“It's bar tending.”

“Good tips,” he says with an encouraging smile.

“Yeah and late nights,” I sigh.

I really missed working at Clandestine, I guess I had just gotten so used to it. Pete had been begging me to come back but I just can't, not after the way he treated me.

“You know Pete will take you back in a heartbeat.”

“I know, but I can't. I don't want to be stuck there, you know?”

Patrick nods.

“If you and Megz need anything, just let me know I want to help in any way I can.”

“Thanks Patrick,” I say with a small smile.

“How are you doing?” Patrick asks, and I had a feeling he had been waiting to ask.

“I'm fine.” I respond.

“Just fine?”

“Well what do you want me to say? I have to no job, I have school to worry about and I want to help Megz get better but I don't know how to, and I don't want to let her down-” I say on the verge of tears.

But before I can say anything else Patrick wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a warm hug, and that's when I lose it. I start to sob, letting everything out. I had been stressing out all week and it had finally caught up with me. Not only did I have to worry about finding a job but I had school to worry about. This was my last semester and my grades had started to slip, I couldn't fail a class if I wanted to graduate at the end of May. I was just tired, tired of everything going in my life that was out of my control.

I pull away from Patrick's hug and wipe my eyes.

“I just want everything to be okay.” I'm able to finally say after my crying stops.

“Everything will be okay.” Patrick whispers.

“You really think so?”

He nods and manages to give me a smile, just as my phone begins to ring breaking the silence once again.

“Hello?” I answer without looking at the screen.

“You answered!” Pete exclaims

“What do you want?” I groan

“I really, really need you to come back,” he pleads

“I already told you that there was no way I would go back.”

“What would it take? The store is such a mess and don't even get me started on online orders-”

I could hear the desperation in his voice and it made me feel bad, I look at Patrick with a questioning look, he shrugs.

“I will pay you double.”

I sigh hoping I wouldn't regret this.

“I will come back but just until you hire a new employee and then I'm gone for good.”

“Thank you,” I hear him sigh in relief

“I'll see you tomorrow morning.” I tell him

“Wait,” he says as I'm about to hang up

“What?”

“Is there any way you can come in today?”

“Isn't the store closed already?” I ask

“Yeah but like I said I am behind online orders and you just know how to do everything so much faster.”

“Fine, I'll be there in an hour.”

“Thanks Jenn.”

I hang up and rest my head against the couch.

“I guess he convinced you.”

“Even though he can be a pain in my ass he's still my friend and it's just temporary.”

“is it okay if I join in?”

I turn my head to look at him to make sure he was being serious.

“I would love that,” I reply with a smile.

An hour later Patrick and I walk through the back door of Clandestine just to meet a very anxious and happy Pete.

“Is it okay if I head out?” He asks

“Go for it, Patrick and I will take care of everything.”

“Thank again Jenn.” He says giving me a hug, taking me completely by surprise.

“Here are the keys and you already know the code to the alarm.” Pete says as he hands me the keys and walks out.

I let out a gasp as I turn on the light for the stock room, I knew it wasn't going to be perfect, but I had imagined it would at least be decently organized, boy was I wrong.

“Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.”

“No no no, this is a good distraction. Cleaning always makes me feel better.”

I take in a deep breath and begin to fold and put everything in its place making sure to size everything, Patrick soon joined in once he figured out my rhythm. Once we were done we moved to the online orders which I thought was going to be hell, but to my surprise it wasn't as bad as Pete has made it out. All we had to was pack the things, print the shipping label and ship them out.
We worked in silence, but it wasn't like earlier, this was a comfortable silence and I loved it.

I couldn't help but to smile.

“What are you smiling about?”

I blink realizing I had been staring at Patrick.

“You,” I don't even try to lie about it.

“Me?” Patrick asks surprised.

“Yeah,” I nod and look away a smile still on my face.

“Thanks for helping me out tonight,” I tell Patrick as we sit on the floor in the middle of the stock room.

“You're welcome,” he says with a smile.

I smile back unable to look away from him. The way he looked at me made me feel self conscious, but in a good way-if that was even possible. It was the kind of look that me made me feel like I was the only thing that mattered, made me feel worthy, something I hadn't felt in weeks.

My eyes slowly travel to his lips and I can't help but to remember the tingling sensation Patrick's lips left on mine the last time I saw him.

My eyes meet his once more and I knew he was thinking about the same thing, I can't help but to start blushing. Before I can look away Patrick touches my cheek making it hard to look away. I take a deep breath and close my eyes as my heart pounds hard against my chest.

Patrick's lips felt soft against mine, there was an urge to them but not like the last time, because this time there was nothing to prove.

And unlike last time, this time I kissed him back.

“Patrick, I can't” I whisper once his lips part mine.

“Why not?” he whispers back.

I open my eyes and look at him, he was so close to me.

I shake my head unable to say anything to him.

“Why won't you just give me a chance!?” He asks with a raised voice.

I look at him, he was on the verge of tears.

“Because I don't deserve you”

“How do you know that?”

“Just look at me Patrick, my whole life is just a mess, you deserve so much more.”

“But all I want is to have a chance with you.”

“What if it doesn't work out? What then.”

“I don't know.”

“I don't want to mess up our friendship.”

“More than what it already is? Do you honestly think it's ever going to be the same?”

“I have to believe that it will.”

“Jenn it will never be the same.”

I look at him, and I can't help but to feel terrible. Why did he have to love me? I was such a horrible person. I couldn't even imagine what he must have felt every time I was going out getting drunk and making out with guys. What he must have felt knowing I had sex with Pete, his best friend. What he must have felt seeing and hearing me talk about Brendon. God, I just felt so horrible. He didn't deserve that, I didn't deserve his love.

“What's the matter?” Patrick asks alarmed as I start to cry.

I shake my head.

“I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for everything.”

“It's okay you don't have to be sorry” Patrick says as he wipes away my tears and embraces me in a hug.

Why was I so afraid of giving him a chance? He has always been there for me, has always been reliable. He was the only other person besides Megz I could really trust and count on.

Why was I so worried about the future instead of focusing in what was going on at the moment? I felt good and safe around Patrick but why couldn't I just give him a chance?

I pull away from his hug and look at him straight in the eyes.

“Promise me that whatever happens we'll still be friends, we'll still be there for each other.”

“I promise.”

And with that I kissed him. I didn't want to think about that what “if's”, I just wanted to think about the now, I wanted to be happy, and Patrick made me happy.