Dear Gravity You've Held Me Down

William had driven us into downtown Chicago, pulled into a parking lot and then we started walking. We were maybe a foot apart as side by side, but I could feel his warmth as if he was pressed up close beside me. I pulled the lapels of my winter jacket closer, turning my eyes down to my shoes as they hit the snow covered sidewalk, keeping just enough energy focused on maintaining the same speed and trajectory as him.

A short while after we left the car, William came to a stop and turned to face me. I lifted my head up enough to see him properly, but kept ducked from shyness, and just played it off as sheltering my face from the wind.

"I originally had planned to go to this nice Thai place, but I think we could use some nice comfort food. What do you say?" He smiled at me earnestly. There was no sign of a man upset to change restaurants at the last minute.

I decided to look up at the restaurant of his choosing, and felt my jaw slacken as the name 'Due' processed in my mind.

"I thought you'd like this choice," he beamed, clearly proud of himself, and for good reason. Deep dish Chicago pizza is a gift from god to pizza lovers like me.

"I love this place," I grinned biting my lip slightly.

"I recall you saying so before, so shall we eat?" He held his hand out for me, which with slight hesitation I took and gladly allowed him to lead the way.

•*•*•*•

We ordered in relative silence, it wasn't till we had gotten our pizzas and I started hacking at mine with my knife and fork did anything of substance come up.

"I don't know if I told you or not, but we're recording a new album soon," he mentioned taking a sip of his ginger ale.

"That's exciting, are you recording it here in the city?" I asked looking up from my plate.

"No we're going to LA in a few days, we'll be there till it's done," he sighed.

"Oh," I mumbled.

"We can still talk while I'm out there you know," he quickly interjected.

A small smile grew on my lips, "good, I'd like that."

He nodded, smiling at me. "So, um, how's therapy going?" He asked putting a new slice of pizza onto his plate.

"It's good, we talk about anything and everything. None of that Hollywood 'and how does that make you feel' bullshit so that's a plus,"

"Developing the tools to handle your day by days?" He asks earnestly.

"Yup," I nodded slowly, "but as you saw I've still got bad days and don't always know how to deal with them," I sighed.

"Hey that's okay, there will always be bad days, just like there will always be happy days. They just fluctuate, like summer and winter. Think you'll never be warm again and suddenly you are," he beamed, gently placing his hand on top of my own.

I felt my face flush, and looked down at my food, "My therapist says similar things,"

"Smart lady," he chuckled. There was a moment of silence before he cleared his throat and took his hand back.

"Maybe you can get me in to see her," he spoke in a teasing tone but something about his body language seemed off.

"Do you think you need it?" I asked intently.

"Well probably not now, when I've got an album to write. All those pent up feelings should make great material," he smirked slightly.

"Well I can still give you her number if you'd like,"

"No it's okay, I leave before the weeks up, there's no time and I'll be fine," I just nodded, studying his face.

"Well just know that you can always talk to me. Seriously, helping people makes me feel more normal and I don't want you to keep everything pent up, I'm living proof of why that's not a good idea," I said, focusing more on my pizza than his face.

When he didn't respond I risked a glance up and saw a small albeit very endearing smile on his face, his eyes just taking me in. He seemed to realize he'd been staring and quickly looked away, "I'll hold you to that offer then, it can be my birthday present." He joked before taking a large bite out of his pizza.

"Good because I did not even think to get you anything," I teased, laughing as he feigned hurt.

The rest of dinner went by smoothly; it almost felt like old times, except for the part where I craved desperately to touch him and feared to do so. Anytime our legs accidentally bumped against each other my heart was in my throat, and I was forced to swallow it back down. I don't think William noticed that I was jumpy and if he did he probably clocked it up to something relating to my episode earlier, how was he to know that his voice felt like home and it was killing me?

We drove listening and singing along to the radio; well he was singing and I was whispering out of nerves. He came and opened my door causing me to laugh and tease him some more, and then walked with me into the building.

"Do you think they made up?" He asked suddenly as we waited for the elevator.

"I hope so, it's hard having your best friends not talking to each other," I huffed, entering the small box and pushing the button. "But as I don't know what's wrong in the first place I have no clue. They're both really fucking stubborn," I sighed.

"Maybe I should pop my head in, see if I'm needed to break up world war three?" He joked.

"Sure, I don't think it'll be that bad but if it is I don't think I can handle it," I nodded, pulling my key from my pocket and opening the door.

The apartment was silent and the lights turned off, "I don't think they're here," I whispered. "Normally she leaves the lights on when she goes to bed. But it's habit to turn them off when she leaves," I explained, reaching out and flicking the hallway light on, and sure enough her comfy sneakers were missing along with her keys.

"Where do you think she went?" William asked.

"I have no idea," I mumbled walking farther into my apartment. William followed me in and closed the front door, "would you like some tea?" I asked, kicking off my shoes.

"Yes please," he responded, doing the same.

I padded into the kitchen and started boiling the water, when I turned around William was right behind me, a soft look on his face. I opened my mouth to ask him what he was doing, but before I could get a syllable out, his hand was caressing my face, and then his lips were on mine.

My heart exploded, my eyes closed tightly and my lips responded to his, attempting not to show the urgency I was feeling, to touch every part of him.

Before I knew it, it was over and I was left catching my breath and failing. The silence was broken by the steam of the kettle and I quickly jumped to action, turning it off and pouring it into the two awaiting mugs. When I turned back around William was sitting at the island, and for a moment I wondered if I had imagined the kiss. But after I placed his mug in front of him, he grabbed my hand as it was retreating and I knew I hadn't.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I just wanted to do that before I left for LA."

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. Instead I gave his hand a squeeze as I sat down beside him. He turned and stared at me, trying to read my thoughts; but even I was having trouble decoding them at the moment. I had longed to kiss him from the moment I woke up the morning he had left me, and now that he had kissed me I didn't know what to do.

“I never should have left that morning,” His voice was quiet and a little bit unsure of himself. I turned to look at him, shocked by the turn of events. “I was so sure if I left it would be easier for us both to heal. When you started dating Pete I was certain I was right, but then you just seemed to lose even more control and grasp of reality. I was worried but I didn’t think it was my place to say anything, to even care about you. I had Christine and when it was just her and me, I could forget but as soon as she left, or we went and hung out with any of the guys I was reminded of what I had lost. New Years was scary, I almost joined into the fray, and I would have if you weren’t caught up in the middle of it.” He turned to stare at me, his hand reaching forward and cupping my cheek. “My blood boiled to see him raise his hand like that,” He confessed.

My eyes started burning as tears threatened to pour, this was so overwhelming, “I, I don’t know what to say,” I mumbled.

“You don’t have to say anything; I’m the one who messed up. Can you forgive me?” He pleaded, his eyes searching for something in mine.

Gingerly I placed my hand on top of his, “I don’t blame you for anything; I was the one who made my choices.”

“But if I hadn’t left you wouldn’t have been in that shower on your birthday, you’d still be friends with Pete and you’d probably still be in school right now,” He stressed.

Now it was my turn to cup his face, “I was more fucked up than you realised, everything I did was an attempt to not feel. I felt empty most of the time, and I did everything I could to avoid being alone with my thoughts. I’d probably still be friends with Pete but I wouldn’t have gotten help, I’d probably still be destructive. I don’t like what’s happened but I can’t wish my therapy away.”

“I’m sorry, you’re right. I’m glad you’re getting help, it’s selfishness on my part to wish it all away,” He looked defeated.

I stood from my seat and walked closer to him, “Don’t feel guilty, I understand, I really, really do.”

He pulled me into him, resting his head on my shoulder, “God I missed you,” He said, nuzzling his head into the crook of my neck. I froze, as I realised where this could lead to, and he seemed to notice. He pulled back and looked at me concerned, “What’s wrong?”

“I, I can’t be with you like this, not right now anyways.” He went to protest but I cut him off, “You’re leaving, you don’t have time to commit to a therapist, why would I be any different? Besides, I’m not mentally stable enough to start a romantic relationship.”

He hung his head, and then slowly stood, “Okay.”

He started heading towards the door, but I grabbed his hand and tugged him back to me. “Please, it’s hard enough for me to say this, but I don’t want to lose you or ruin things,” I trembled.

He took a deep breath before engulfing me in a giant hug, “You won’t lose me, consider myself superglued to you,” I giggled slightly at his expression. “I’m leaving, I can’t help that, but I’m not leaving you. I’ll wait for you, I promise.” My breath caught in my throat at that, and I turned to look up at him. He smiled and lent down, pressing a warm kiss to my forehead.

Slowly he pulled away, and smiled at me before heading for the door, “It’s late I should let you get some sleep.”

I rushed to get in front of him, catching him by surprise, “Happy birthday William, and thank you for sharing it with me,” I grinned, reaching up and pressing a kiss to his cheek. His face flushed, and I bit my lip to refrain from attempting more.

“You’re the only person I wanted to see today, so thank you for allowing me to treat you to dinner,” He confessed, pulling his shoes on.

“You will keep in touch, right?” I asked as he opened the door.

“Of course,” He winked before leaving, closing the door behind him.

My heart beat wildly in my chest, as I spied him walking down the hall through the peep hole. Once he was in the elevator I skipped my way into my room, and fell on my bed. A giant smile on my face, I fell asleep instantly to the first peaceful sleep in a while.