I Will Never End Up Like Him
6
"Amy, what is wrong?" Joe asks, sounding demanding. I just kept whispering to myself.
"Amy!" Joe yelled causing me to jerk my head up and look at him.
"What. Is. Wrong?" he asks, slowly, but firmly.
"They're...gone." I whispered the last part staring back at the ground.
"Who?" he asked.
"mom and dad." I cried a little more.
"They have been gone, they are on a business trip, why are you so upset about this? They leave all the time?" Andy puts in. I shook my head putting it back on my knees.
"N-no...they're not coming b-back." I whispered still crying.
"What?" they all asked in unison. I dropped the card onto the floor.
"Foster care?" Patrick asked. I just cried harder. I felt four pairs of arms wrap around me.
"Shhhh." They all comforted.
"What happened?" Patrick whispered.
"Th-they...di..." I couldn't get the word out, I couldn't say it.
Patrick hugged me tighter. I wrapped my arms back around him and buried my face in his neck. He smelled good. He always wore good cologne or something, but definetly not axe. It was better.
I must've sat in the floor of my room for hours with them, just crying. Not even moving. They were crying, too. No matter how much they deny it. I kept my head in Patrick's shoulder most of the time. I was curled up in Patrick's lap. My sobs got quieter and my throat was dry and hoarse. I couldn't hold my eyes open so they slowly drifted shut. Stinging a bit, but feeling better at the same time. I started sobbing again into his shoulder. I can't even believe this is happening. He held me tighter and started humming. It calmed me down a little, I could hear his heart beat, I could hear him breathing. That's what calmed me down the most. As I silenced, Patrick went from humming to singing. I could hear his voice in his chest also. I fell asleep.
---
It's been 2 weeks. I haven't called back the foster care lady. I haven't talked to anyone. I haven't cared about School too much. I have only gone when the guys drag me with them. I haven't eaten. The guys haven't noticed that, they think I eat when I am not with them. I don't even talk when the teacher calls on me, and when she threatens to send me to the principles office, I leave. Not to go to the principles office, but to go home. I walk.
I am walking home right now. The guys refuse to take me in hopes that I won't go, but I do anyway. I walked in my front door and went over to the phone. I had a message from that lady saying she was coming to pick me up and take me to my new 'family'. If I can call them that. I am suposed to be packed, but I am not even close. I haven't done anything. I guess I need to though. I went up to my room and pulled out all of my clothes. The doorbell rang, I was sure that it was one of the guys, but to my surprise when I pulled it open it was my brother, Jake. I thought he didn't even know. He went to college in China. I know what you're thinking..china? but he was an exchange student there in high school and that's where he met his "true love" sadly, I can't even pronounce, nor remember her name. He stepped in and hugged me. I didn't move. I didn't even hug back. He pulled away.
"Are you alright?" he asked. I just nodded. Heck no! Do I look alright? but no one had to know, right? He was trying not to cry. I could tell. He said that mom and dad gave everything to us. I didn't talk to him either and he noticed. He was trying to get me to talk for about 10 minutes. I refused. I agreed that he could have anything of mom and dad's that he wanted. It was difficult to communicate without talking at first, but I had gotten good at it. He told me that he couldn't stay long. He had to be back in China tomorrow, which meant he got on a plane tonight. I didn't want him to go, but I didn't want my parents to either. He took me out to lunch. He didn't care that I was skipping school, he didn't think I should have to go anyway. He did most of the talking, considering, I am not really doing any of that lately. I would occasionally nod or give him a thumbs up. When we got back to the house there was that same car. The one from 2 weeks ago. I hesitated before getting out and following Jake inside. The lady was in my house. Fucking in my house! That is soo messed up!
"My name is Margo Victor." she said offering a hand. What a name! I just looked at it and she put it back down awkwardly. At least she introduced herself this time. Apparently she had talked to Jake on the phone. He was going to let some lady put me in some house with some people I don't know. Before I could reason they were packing my bags for me. Jake said I could have my dad's pocket knife. Yes I know you are thinking 'a pocketknife? Wtf?' but my dad loved that thing. I am pretty sure it was his grandpa's passed down to his dad and then him. Of course Jake couldn't take it to China, cause of security and all that crap. I slipped it into my pocket. If only they knew how big of a mistake giving a girl in depression a knife and it was rarely used so it is far from dull. They packed my bags in record timing. I hadn't helped at all, just layed on the couch and thought about nothing. They pushed me into the car and Jake said goodbye to me. He had to catch his precious plane and get back to his precious life back in precious fucking China! I got in the car and sat staring out the window in silence. We drove for what seems like forever until we pulled into a little neighborhood a couple miles from school. It wasn't nice, but it was 'cute'. It looked very plain, simple, affordable? Lots of teenagers, we pulled into a driveway with a basketball goal facing the street and a group of guys playing. Margo opened my door and I slowly stepped out. She got my bags and led me to the door. I opened it up and was immediatly greeted by a large black woman. I had never met her before.
"Oh, Sweetie! How are you?" she asked stepping away. I just looked at her with the same expression I have worn the last 2 weeks. Her smile dropped a little and she showed a 'understanding' expression. Too bad she doesn't even know. She yelled out to the group of guys playing basketball and 2 of them entered the house.
"Amy these are my sons. Logan and Landon. Oh, and you can call me Mabel." I recognized them from school, but I had never talked to them or payed much attention to them. I nodded and looked around. Logan and Landon were twins. Identical twins actually. I couldn't tell them apart. They showed me around the small house. Logan moved in with Landon so I got my own room. Thank goodness. It was simple, but nice. Our rooms were upstairs and we all shared a bathroom, but Mabel was in the master suite downstairs with her own bathroom. I layed down on my bed. It was comfortable. I closed my eyes and before I knew it I was asleep. I woke up and Logan..or Landon..was shaking me. He told me dinner was ready. I reluctantly went downstairs to join them for dinner. It was pasta. I picked at it to make it look like I had eaten at least a little of it. When dinner was over I returned to my room. It's so weird calling it that. I sat up there for a long time just staring out the window. One thing that's great about this is that they don't have an alarm so I can leave my window open. I saw sitting on the window sill with my feet hanging over the edge, probably not a good idea, but who cares? I started to cry quietly. It was late, probably nearing 3 am. I hadn't changed clothes. I pulled the pocketknife out of my pocket and opened it. the moonlight reflected off the blade. I stared at it for a while. I considered killing myself actually, but I am too much of a coward to go that far. So I settled for making a slit across my wrist. Then another..then another. I had made a good 7 slits amongst both my wrist. Not each. It was bleeding like crazy, but it felt very...relieving. I stood up and walked to the bathroom, placing toilet paper over the cuts until they stopped bleeding. It was a good 30 minutes. I went back to my room and slipped under the covers not bothering to close my window. I fell asleep pretty fast and Mabel woke me up the next morning. Oh great, I guess I actually have to go to school and stay there. Dandy. I thought. I sat up and examined my wrists. I decided on my green with black writing saying 'defy gravity' t-shirt I got when I saw Wicked with a longsleeved black undershirt and green and black wristwarmers just to be extra safe. I slipped on some jeans and my converse and headed downstairs. The food was tempting, but I couldn't eat. No matter how hungry or sick I was feeling. Logan and Landon shared a car so they drove me to school. I got there and walked in with them. I hadn't really looked for the guys, I never looked for anyone anymore I just walked alone. I wouldn't talk to them anyways.
"Where were you? Why aren't you at your house?!" Pete yelled running over with Patrick. Logan and Landon turned. I motioned towards them.
"She lives with us now." one of them said. Pete gave me a weird look with a quirked eyebrow, but I just shrugged and walked into the building. I got sent to the principles office in my first class. When I wouldn't talk they made me go to Detention until lunch. Some punishment, that's better than being in class. They normally just send me back to class so this was my first time in detention. I walked there staring at the ground. When I stepped in there was one person in there. I am guessing it's not a very 'happenin' place. I handed the teacher a yellow slip with details about my 'visit' on there and sat in the back of the room. Far away from the boy. He looked back at me and headed towards the desk next to me. I just stayed curled up in my chair.
"Hey Amy." he said. How does he know me. I gave him a weird look.
"I'm in your Lit. class." he explained. Oh! It's Ryan, Ryan Ross. I nodded.
"Why are you here?" he asked. I shrugged and put my head in my knees. He laughed a little.
"Good reason." I shrugged again not moving.
"Do I smell?" he asked. I sat up and leaned in to smell him before shaking my head 'no'.
"Well your acting like I do, don't you talk?" he joked. If only he know. I shook my head again. He looked confused.
"How do you communicate? or do like...anything?" he said still thinking I was kidding. I shrugged again. The entire class resulted in him trying to get me to talk or do something, but I just sat there shrugging, nodding, and shaking my head. The bell rang and I got up heading to lunch.
"Ryan!" someone yelled running up to him. I started to head in the other direction.
"Wait, a second Spence, meet Amy." he said. Even at the mention of my name I didn't turn back until he pulled me back.
"Hi, Amy." he said smiling. I just nodded and started walking away waving bye to them. Ryan waved back laughing to himself. Freaking happy kid?! I got to lunch and slouched into my chair next to Joe. They still tried to talk to me, but I refused.
"Will you at least tell me your new address?!" Pete yelled. I pulled out a pen and wrote it on a napkin, sliding it across the table. He frowned, but slid it into his pocket anyway. The rest of the day was, good? As good as good can get. I got back to 'my house' and went straight to my room. The window was still open and I shut it. I decided I should check out the neighborhood. I stepped outside and no one was at the basketball goal, but there was a basketball in the yard. I picked it up and started shooting. I was an exceptional basketball player.
"You wanna play?" some guy I recognized from yesterday asked. I shook my head and tossed him the ball heading back inside. I went up to my room and slept some more.
---
a week later and I am still doing the same routine. Sleep, eat, cut, sleep, long sleeves, school, sleep, eat, repeat. I haven't been to detention all week so that's nice, and I haven't ran into Ryan. I was out of long sleeves...uh oh. They were all in the washer. I will just wear my jacket all day. I slipped into my hoodie and headed outside. I hadn't bothered doing my make up or hair the past few weeks. I slipped into the car and headed to school. I got there earlier than normal and sat in front of the car, leaning against it. I closed my eyes and sat in silence.
"You seriously don't talk, do you?!" someone yelled breaking the silence. I sat up slowly and saw Ryan. I shook my head.
"Can you?" I nodded.
"Why don't you?" he asked. I shrugged. I new very well why I didn't talk, but I can't talk to explain it, plus I wouldnt' explain it anyway.
"Well that's a stupid reason." I glared at him before standing up and stomping off. I made it to lunch, no detention! I sat down and Ryan sat next to me. I ignored him as Joe and Andy continued asking me how I tell Landon and Logan apart. Truth is. I don't. I just shrugged.
"So..why don't you talk?" Ryan asked again. Spencer came over followed by 2 guys I recognized, but couldn't tell you the names for the life of me.
"So, is this our new table?" one of them asked Ryan. Ryan just shrugged which made me smile, cause he is catching onto my habits, but only a little bit, which is the slightest expression I've shown in 2 days. The last time I smiled at all was when Andy freaked out and bitch-slapped Joe over a brownie. The 3 guys sat down as Andy, Joe, and Pete looked at me confused, but Patrick stared at his tray not looking up. I just shrugged.
"So, who are these guys?" Ryan asked me. I just shrugged.
"You know us!" Joe yelled. I just shrugged again.
"Well, I'm Andy, this is Joe, Pete, and Patrick."
"Hey, I'm Ryan, this is Spencer, Brendon, and Jon." he introduced. They talked for a second and I just stared at the table. I think Brendon was trying to get my attention or Jon or Spencer..whatever his name is.
"Brendon. She doesn't talk!" Ryan snapped. I just put my arms on the table and buried my face in them.
"Speaking of that, why doesn't she talk?" he asked the guys. My head shot up and I looked at them with a pleading expression and shook my head no.
"She just doesn't like to waste her breath." Patrick sighed. I winked at him gratefully when I got a tap on the shoulder. It was Logan..or Landon. AGH!
"Hey, you need to eat. Mom has been noticing that you aren't eating. Even if you deny it. So, eat, soon." he instructed harshly. I glared at him. The guys think that I eat at home. Damnit, Logan or Landon or whoever the fuck you are! Damnit! He gave me a firm looking before walking back to wherever he came from. I turned around and put my head back in my hands.
"Wait, they're your brothers?" Ryan questioned. I shook my head no.
"So, you aren't eating at home either?" Pete asked giving me a hard glare. I just shrugged and stood up heading to my next class.
"No. Get back here! AMY!" Andy yelled. Oh, no, not Andy. He grabbed the hood of my jacket, but I just slipped out of it and ran down the hallway and out of the building. I think I deserve to skip today. I ran in the direction of my house and finally got there. Mabel was at work so I just went to my room and layed down. It was harder to run. I have noticed the lack of food has been making me woozy and sick, but I don't care if it kills me. ---That night--- It's around midnight and I am still up. Obviously. Maybe I will go somewhere tonight...hmm. Where do teenagers go at night...or morning. I looked down my window, it isn't that high up, plus there is part of the first floors roof that sticks out a little so I could climb onto that. That's exactly what I did. I stepped onto the roof and then hung from it before dropping to the ground. The impact hurt my feet a little, but nothing horrible. I headed to the front yard. I got there and there were some guys still out. I ignored them and made my way past the school. There was a 'shadier' part of town past the school. My brother always told me not to go there. I got there in about an hour considering I was walking really slow. This is kind of cool. It looks like they are having a party or something. I made my way through the small mob of people packed into the alley. It reminded me kind of, of what you see in the old Batman movies. Like all of the thugs in an alley with fires going, and they are partying and then Batman swoops in. "Hey, you new here?" I young guy about my age asks. I nodded. "Are you picking up something?" I shrugged. "Yes, or no?" I shook my head no. "Do you want something?" I gave him a confused look and he told me to follow him. I didn't really hesitate and followed. He went into the back door of some nightclub looking place and came back out with a trashbag. He pulled out a lot of drugs. The only ones I recognized were Pills, heroine, Pot, and coke. "Do you want something?" he asked again. I thought for a second. Do I? People say they make you forget about everything..maybe I do, maybe it will be like 200 times better than sudafedrine. I nodded. "How much money do you have?" Thank goodness I brought my messenger bag. I pulled out a 10. "That won't get you much, but is this your first time?" I nodded. "Then you won't need much. What do you want?" I looked for a stared at all the ziplock bags not knowing what to get. "I would go with the pot for your first time. It's the best, and I normally sell it for a lot more, but I will give you a little, with it being your first time." I nodded and handed him the 10. He took out another bag and put a little bit in it. "That's enough for 2 smokes." he said. I nodded slightly confused I guess he could tell, he pulled out some little papers from his pocket. "You put the pot in these, roll them up, and light them like a cigarette. If you like these, bring more money next time and get more. I'll be here." he said heading off in another direction. Hmm. I stayed there for a couple of hours. It was a pretty happening place. Some people were having sex over in a corner, but I just kind of blurred that out of my vision. Around 5 I figured I'd better head home. I stayed safe, I wonder why Jake told me to stay away. Well, I guess cause of the drugs, but who cares. I got home around 5:30 walking faster than I had on the way there. I couldn't get back up to my window. Gosh why didn't I think this through. Although, I don't think they have locks on the windows. I went to the kitchen and pushed on the window above the sink it slid open. I crawled in and practically fell into the sink. I slipped off the counter and closed the window heading back upstairs. I layed in bed. I wonder why the guys never visit me anymore. Don't they care about me? I am starting to think Ryan cares about me more than them. I got up and decided I should shower before the guys wake up. I stepped into the shower and prayed the bonfire smoke smell would rinse off me. It did. I got out and pulled my hair into a ponytail not bothering to dry it or brush it. I went back to my room and slipped on one of my freshly washed long sleeve shirts. I feel sick, but I still have to go to that stupid school. I got in Logan and Landon's car...I guess it's our car. I got in our car and waited for the guys. They came out about 10 minutes later. We got to school and I headed for my first class. I normally don't because the teachers try to talk to me, but today it's better than my friends talking to me. The teachers are oblivious anyway, they haven't even figured out that I don't talk to anyone. I sat down in my usual seat and put my head in my hands. The teacher wasn't even in there. Around lunchtime none of my friends had seen me. I didn't know which was worse, sit with my friends, or sit with my foster brothers. I feel worse than I did this morning. I sat down at a table full of nerdy guys. They didn't care, all they cared about was the fact that a girl is sitting with them. Too bad I don't talk..or move. I felt this feeling like I was going to throw up, but I didn't have any food to throw up. I had to go to a bathroom or something. I started to stand up, but I passed out. I woke up in the nurses office. Some of the nerdy guys were in there. That's when it hit me. They didn't see my arms?! I looked down and my shirt sleeves were still pulled down, I also had an IV in my hand. I am guessing it was feeding me. Yuck. No point in trying to die now, eh? "Are you okay?" one of them asked. I just nodded. "We thought we should stay with you." the other one said, I narrowed my eyes and shook my head no. They looked taken back, but said bye and left. The nurse came in. "Have you been eating?" I shook my head no. "Why?" I shrugged. She sighed. "Well, Mabel wasn't too happy about this. She is going to make you eat from now on and the staff will be paying attention also." I rolled my eyes and nodded. "You may go back to class, there is only 20 minutes left in the day." I nodded and she took the IV out and let me leave. Thank goodness they hadn't gone through my bag. I was about to head out of the school when the nurse 'escorted' me to my class. I sighed and stepped in. This is the worst class. Literature. Not only is Ryan in this class, but so is Patrick, Joe, Andy, Pete, and Cole. Oh, and now I see that so is one of Ryan's friends. Jon I think. I was hoping to not be seen, but right when the door opened everyone's head shot up to look at me. I just looked at the ground and made my way to my seat. Which is next to Patrick. Once the teacher started teaching or rambling again Patrick leaned over. "Where have you been all day?" I pointed to the ground meaning 'here'. "No you haven't. None of us have seen you." I nodded. "So you've just been hiding from us. Then why weren't you in last class?" he asked. I shrugged and turned to the teacher who was looking at me and Patrick. "Mrs. Wilson, Mr. Stump. Do you have something you'd like to share?" I shrugged and Patrick replyed with a "No, sir." "Amy?" he asked again. I just shrugged. Patrick hit my arm. "No, sir, she doesn't." he said. I just rolled my eyes. No one at school, except administration and the guys, new that my parents were...gone. I sat on the steps of the school waiting to leave. L (since I don't know which one it is, I will just refer to them both as 'L') came out and tapped my shoulder. I just looked at him and back down. He grabbed my arm and I pulled it back down. I didn't want to be with anyone right now, I just want to sit on these steps until I die. Dramatic? hardly. He picked me up and carryed me to his car. I shook my head no and tried to get down. He wouldn't let me. L...the other L..opened the door and he put me in. I made a 'hmf' noise and stared out the window. Patrick ran over and started banging on it. I let a small smile slip. Mostly cause I haven't seen Patrick in what feels like forever. L opened the door. "Can she hang out for a while?" he asked. L looked at me. I nodded like I wanted to and he did the same. I got out and headed with Patrick towards Pete's car. "Pete and Andy got detention, so he gave me his keys and he will ride with Andy." he explained. I nodded. I got in the car and he started it. He was the one who never freaked out about me not talking, he never even mentioned it really, so I was surprised when he choked out. "Are you ever going to talk again?" I shrugged. He looked angry. "How can you just shrug, and nod, and shake your head, and make hand gestures?! Some of us like to have conversations! I am sick of this! I miss your voice." he whispered the last part. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't going to just start talking again. We drove in silence for a while. I wondered where we were going. We pulled into Joe's driveway and there were 4 cars there I didn't recognize. Patrick groaned when he saw them, but got out anyway. He opened my door and I gave him a hug before heading inside. When we got in Joe's parents attacked me with hugs. I didn't hug back. Patrick took me up to Joe's room and there were the owner's of the 4 cars. It was Ryan and his 3 friends. I sat down in his computer chair leaving Patrick without a seat. I moved to the floor and Patrick gave me a weird look. I pointed to the chair he walked over and sat down. All conversation stopped when we entered the room, but I didn't care. I pulled my phone out of my messenger bag and played rollercoaster runaway. It is the only game I have on there. "Why do you have a phone if you don't talk?" Jon asked. I glared at him, before softening my expression and shrugging. They carried on a conversation, that I wasn't really part of. I just played rollercoaster runaway the entire time. Pete and Andy entered the room with a huge bowl filled with gummy worms. They were screaming. Typical. The newcomers (Ryan and his crew) looked startled. I cracked a smile. Andy sat down next to me. "You are in trouble." he said handing me my hoodie that I left him with yesterday. I grabbed it and stuffed it into my messenger bag. I just shrugged. "Well you are." Andy said. I shrugged again. Pete tossed a few gummy worms at me. I looked up at him and threw them back, much harder. "No, you have to eat." he said throwing another handful. I took them and nodded. He smiled satisfied and looked away. Right when he turned his head I reached my hand up to throw them at his head, but someone grabbed it. I looked up and Patrick was holding my arm looking down at me and that look was anything but happiness.
"Amy!" Joe yelled causing me to jerk my head up and look at him.
"What. Is. Wrong?" he asks, slowly, but firmly.
"They're...gone." I whispered the last part staring back at the ground.
"Who?" he asked.
"mom and dad." I cried a little more.
"They have been gone, they are on a business trip, why are you so upset about this? They leave all the time?" Andy puts in. I shook my head putting it back on my knees.
"N-no...they're not coming b-back." I whispered still crying.
"What?" they all asked in unison. I dropped the card onto the floor.
"Foster care?" Patrick asked. I just cried harder. I felt four pairs of arms wrap around me.
"Shhhh." They all comforted.
"What happened?" Patrick whispered.
"Th-they...di..." I couldn't get the word out, I couldn't say it.
Patrick hugged me tighter. I wrapped my arms back around him and buried my face in his neck. He smelled good. He always wore good cologne or something, but definetly not axe. It was better.
I must've sat in the floor of my room for hours with them, just crying. Not even moving. They were crying, too. No matter how much they deny it. I kept my head in Patrick's shoulder most of the time. I was curled up in Patrick's lap. My sobs got quieter and my throat was dry and hoarse. I couldn't hold my eyes open so they slowly drifted shut. Stinging a bit, but feeling better at the same time. I started sobbing again into his shoulder. I can't even believe this is happening. He held me tighter and started humming. It calmed me down a little, I could hear his heart beat, I could hear him breathing. That's what calmed me down the most. As I silenced, Patrick went from humming to singing. I could hear his voice in his chest also. I fell asleep.
---
It's been 2 weeks. I haven't called back the foster care lady. I haven't talked to anyone. I haven't cared about School too much. I have only gone when the guys drag me with them. I haven't eaten. The guys haven't noticed that, they think I eat when I am not with them. I don't even talk when the teacher calls on me, and when she threatens to send me to the principles office, I leave. Not to go to the principles office, but to go home. I walk.
I am walking home right now. The guys refuse to take me in hopes that I won't go, but I do anyway. I walked in my front door and went over to the phone. I had a message from that lady saying she was coming to pick me up and take me to my new 'family'. If I can call them that. I am suposed to be packed, but I am not even close. I haven't done anything. I guess I need to though. I went up to my room and pulled out all of my clothes. The doorbell rang, I was sure that it was one of the guys, but to my surprise when I pulled it open it was my brother, Jake. I thought he didn't even know. He went to college in China. I know what you're thinking..china? but he was an exchange student there in high school and that's where he met his "true love" sadly, I can't even pronounce, nor remember her name. He stepped in and hugged me. I didn't move. I didn't even hug back. He pulled away.
"Are you alright?" he asked. I just nodded. Heck no! Do I look alright? but no one had to know, right? He was trying not to cry. I could tell. He said that mom and dad gave everything to us. I didn't talk to him either and he noticed. He was trying to get me to talk for about 10 minutes. I refused. I agreed that he could have anything of mom and dad's that he wanted. It was difficult to communicate without talking at first, but I had gotten good at it. He told me that he couldn't stay long. He had to be back in China tomorrow, which meant he got on a plane tonight. I didn't want him to go, but I didn't want my parents to either. He took me out to lunch. He didn't care that I was skipping school, he didn't think I should have to go anyway. He did most of the talking, considering, I am not really doing any of that lately. I would occasionally nod or give him a thumbs up. When we got back to the house there was that same car. The one from 2 weeks ago. I hesitated before getting out and following Jake inside. The lady was in my house. Fucking in my house! That is soo messed up!
"My name is Margo Victor." she said offering a hand. What a name! I just looked at it and she put it back down awkwardly. At least she introduced herself this time. Apparently she had talked to Jake on the phone. He was going to let some lady put me in some house with some people I don't know. Before I could reason they were packing my bags for me. Jake said I could have my dad's pocket knife. Yes I know you are thinking 'a pocketknife? Wtf?' but my dad loved that thing. I am pretty sure it was his grandpa's passed down to his dad and then him. Of course Jake couldn't take it to China, cause of security and all that crap. I slipped it into my pocket. If only they knew how big of a mistake giving a girl in depression a knife and it was rarely used so it is far from dull. They packed my bags in record timing. I hadn't helped at all, just layed on the couch and thought about nothing. They pushed me into the car and Jake said goodbye to me. He had to catch his precious plane and get back to his precious life back in precious fucking China! I got in the car and sat staring out the window in silence. We drove for what seems like forever until we pulled into a little neighborhood a couple miles from school. It wasn't nice, but it was 'cute'. It looked very plain, simple, affordable? Lots of teenagers, we pulled into a driveway with a basketball goal facing the street and a group of guys playing. Margo opened my door and I slowly stepped out. She got my bags and led me to the door. I opened it up and was immediatly greeted by a large black woman. I had never met her before.
"Oh, Sweetie! How are you?" she asked stepping away. I just looked at her with the same expression I have worn the last 2 weeks. Her smile dropped a little and she showed a 'understanding' expression. Too bad she doesn't even know. She yelled out to the group of guys playing basketball and 2 of them entered the house.
"Amy these are my sons. Logan and Landon. Oh, and you can call me Mabel." I recognized them from school, but I had never talked to them or payed much attention to them. I nodded and looked around. Logan and Landon were twins. Identical twins actually. I couldn't tell them apart. They showed me around the small house. Logan moved in with Landon so I got my own room. Thank goodness. It was simple, but nice. Our rooms were upstairs and we all shared a bathroom, but Mabel was in the master suite downstairs with her own bathroom. I layed down on my bed. It was comfortable. I closed my eyes and before I knew it I was asleep. I woke up and Logan..or Landon..was shaking me. He told me dinner was ready. I reluctantly went downstairs to join them for dinner. It was pasta. I picked at it to make it look like I had eaten at least a little of it. When dinner was over I returned to my room. It's so weird calling it that. I sat up there for a long time just staring out the window. One thing that's great about this is that they don't have an alarm so I can leave my window open. I saw sitting on the window sill with my feet hanging over the edge, probably not a good idea, but who cares? I started to cry quietly. It was late, probably nearing 3 am. I hadn't changed clothes. I pulled the pocketknife out of my pocket and opened it. the moonlight reflected off the blade. I stared at it for a while. I considered killing myself actually, but I am too much of a coward to go that far. So I settled for making a slit across my wrist. Then another..then another. I had made a good 7 slits amongst both my wrist. Not each. It was bleeding like crazy, but it felt very...relieving. I stood up and walked to the bathroom, placing toilet paper over the cuts until they stopped bleeding. It was a good 30 minutes. I went back to my room and slipped under the covers not bothering to close my window. I fell asleep pretty fast and Mabel woke me up the next morning. Oh great, I guess I actually have to go to school and stay there. Dandy. I thought. I sat up and examined my wrists. I decided on my green with black writing saying 'defy gravity' t-shirt I got when I saw Wicked with a longsleeved black undershirt and green and black wristwarmers just to be extra safe. I slipped on some jeans and my converse and headed downstairs. The food was tempting, but I couldn't eat. No matter how hungry or sick I was feeling. Logan and Landon shared a car so they drove me to school. I got there and walked in with them. I hadn't really looked for the guys, I never looked for anyone anymore I just walked alone. I wouldn't talk to them anyways.
"Where were you? Why aren't you at your house?!" Pete yelled running over with Patrick. Logan and Landon turned. I motioned towards them.
"She lives with us now." one of them said. Pete gave me a weird look with a quirked eyebrow, but I just shrugged and walked into the building. I got sent to the principles office in my first class. When I wouldn't talk they made me go to Detention until lunch. Some punishment, that's better than being in class. They normally just send me back to class so this was my first time in detention. I walked there staring at the ground. When I stepped in there was one person in there. I am guessing it's not a very 'happenin' place. I handed the teacher a yellow slip with details about my 'visit' on there and sat in the back of the room. Far away from the boy. He looked back at me and headed towards the desk next to me. I just stayed curled up in my chair.
"Hey Amy." he said. How does he know me. I gave him a weird look.
"I'm in your Lit. class." he explained. Oh! It's Ryan, Ryan Ross. I nodded.
"Why are you here?" he asked. I shrugged and put my head in my knees. He laughed a little.
"Good reason." I shrugged again not moving.
"Do I smell?" he asked. I sat up and leaned in to smell him before shaking my head 'no'.
"Well your acting like I do, don't you talk?" he joked. If only he know. I shook my head again. He looked confused.
"How do you communicate? or do like...anything?" he said still thinking I was kidding. I shrugged again. The entire class resulted in him trying to get me to talk or do something, but I just sat there shrugging, nodding, and shaking my head. The bell rang and I got up heading to lunch.
"Ryan!" someone yelled running up to him. I started to head in the other direction.
"Wait, a second Spence, meet Amy." he said. Even at the mention of my name I didn't turn back until he pulled me back.
"Hi, Amy." he said smiling. I just nodded and started walking away waving bye to them. Ryan waved back laughing to himself. Freaking happy kid?! I got to lunch and slouched into my chair next to Joe. They still tried to talk to me, but I refused.
"Will you at least tell me your new address?!" Pete yelled. I pulled out a pen and wrote it on a napkin, sliding it across the table. He frowned, but slid it into his pocket anyway. The rest of the day was, good? As good as good can get. I got back to 'my house' and went straight to my room. The window was still open and I shut it. I decided I should check out the neighborhood. I stepped outside and no one was at the basketball goal, but there was a basketball in the yard. I picked it up and started shooting. I was an exceptional basketball player.
"You wanna play?" some guy I recognized from yesterday asked. I shook my head and tossed him the ball heading back inside. I went up to my room and slept some more.
---
a week later and I am still doing the same routine. Sleep, eat, cut, sleep, long sleeves, school, sleep, eat, repeat. I haven't been to detention all week so that's nice, and I haven't ran into Ryan. I was out of long sleeves...uh oh. They were all in the washer. I will just wear my jacket all day. I slipped into my hoodie and headed outside. I hadn't bothered doing my make up or hair the past few weeks. I slipped into the car and headed to school. I got there earlier than normal and sat in front of the car, leaning against it. I closed my eyes and sat in silence.
"You seriously don't talk, do you?!" someone yelled breaking the silence. I sat up slowly and saw Ryan. I shook my head.
"Can you?" I nodded.
"Why don't you?" he asked. I shrugged. I new very well why I didn't talk, but I can't talk to explain it, plus I wouldnt' explain it anyway.
"Well that's a stupid reason." I glared at him before standing up and stomping off. I made it to lunch, no detention! I sat down and Ryan sat next to me. I ignored him as Joe and Andy continued asking me how I tell Landon and Logan apart. Truth is. I don't. I just shrugged.
"So..why don't you talk?" Ryan asked again. Spencer came over followed by 2 guys I recognized, but couldn't tell you the names for the life of me.
"So, is this our new table?" one of them asked Ryan. Ryan just shrugged which made me smile, cause he is catching onto my habits, but only a little bit, which is the slightest expression I've shown in 2 days. The last time I smiled at all was when Andy freaked out and bitch-slapped Joe over a brownie. The 3 guys sat down as Andy, Joe, and Pete looked at me confused, but Patrick stared at his tray not looking up. I just shrugged.
"So, who are these guys?" Ryan asked me. I just shrugged.
"You know us!" Joe yelled. I just shrugged again.
"Well, I'm Andy, this is Joe, Pete, and Patrick."
"Hey, I'm Ryan, this is Spencer, Brendon, and Jon." he introduced. They talked for a second and I just stared at the table. I think Brendon was trying to get my attention or Jon or Spencer..whatever his name is.
"Brendon. She doesn't talk!" Ryan snapped. I just put my arms on the table and buried my face in them.
"Speaking of that, why doesn't she talk?" he asked the guys. My head shot up and I looked at them with a pleading expression and shook my head no.
"She just doesn't like to waste her breath." Patrick sighed. I winked at him gratefully when I got a tap on the shoulder. It was Logan..or Landon. AGH!
"Hey, you need to eat. Mom has been noticing that you aren't eating. Even if you deny it. So, eat, soon." he instructed harshly. I glared at him. The guys think that I eat at home. Damnit, Logan or Landon or whoever the fuck you are! Damnit! He gave me a firm looking before walking back to wherever he came from. I turned around and put my head back in my hands.
"Wait, they're your brothers?" Ryan questioned. I shook my head no.
"So, you aren't eating at home either?" Pete asked giving me a hard glare. I just shrugged and stood up heading to my next class.
"No. Get back here! AMY!" Andy yelled. Oh, no, not Andy. He grabbed the hood of my jacket, but I just slipped out of it and ran down the hallway and out of the building. I think I deserve to skip today. I ran in the direction of my house and finally got there. Mabel was at work so I just went to my room and layed down. It was harder to run. I have noticed the lack of food has been making me woozy and sick, but I don't care if it kills me. ---That night--- It's around midnight and I am still up. Obviously. Maybe I will go somewhere tonight...hmm. Where do teenagers go at night...or morning. I looked down my window, it isn't that high up, plus there is part of the first floors roof that sticks out a little so I could climb onto that. That's exactly what I did. I stepped onto the roof and then hung from it before dropping to the ground. The impact hurt my feet a little, but nothing horrible. I headed to the front yard. I got there and there were some guys still out. I ignored them and made my way past the school. There was a 'shadier' part of town past the school. My brother always told me not to go there. I got there in about an hour considering I was walking really slow. This is kind of cool. It looks like they are having a party or something. I made my way through the small mob of people packed into the alley. It reminded me kind of, of what you see in the old Batman movies. Like all of the thugs in an alley with fires going, and they are partying and then Batman swoops in. "Hey, you new here?" I young guy about my age asks. I nodded. "Are you picking up something?" I shrugged. "Yes, or no?" I shook my head no. "Do you want something?" I gave him a confused look and he told me to follow him. I didn't really hesitate and followed. He went into the back door of some nightclub looking place and came back out with a trashbag. He pulled out a lot of drugs. The only ones I recognized were Pills, heroine, Pot, and coke. "Do you want something?" he asked again. I thought for a second. Do I? People say they make you forget about everything..maybe I do, maybe it will be like 200 times better than sudafedrine. I nodded. "How much money do you have?" Thank goodness I brought my messenger bag. I pulled out a 10. "That won't get you much, but is this your first time?" I nodded. "Then you won't need much. What do you want?" I looked for a stared at all the ziplock bags not knowing what to get. "I would go with the pot for your first time. It's the best, and I normally sell it for a lot more, but I will give you a little, with it being your first time." I nodded and handed him the 10. He took out another bag and put a little bit in it. "That's enough for 2 smokes." he said. I nodded slightly confused I guess he could tell, he pulled out some little papers from his pocket. "You put the pot in these, roll them up, and light them like a cigarette. If you like these, bring more money next time and get more. I'll be here." he said heading off in another direction. Hmm. I stayed there for a couple of hours. It was a pretty happening place. Some people were having sex over in a corner, but I just kind of blurred that out of my vision. Around 5 I figured I'd better head home. I stayed safe, I wonder why Jake told me to stay away. Well, I guess cause of the drugs, but who cares. I got home around 5:30 walking faster than I had on the way there. I couldn't get back up to my window. Gosh why didn't I think this through. Although, I don't think they have locks on the windows. I went to the kitchen and pushed on the window above the sink it slid open. I crawled in and practically fell into the sink. I slipped off the counter and closed the window heading back upstairs. I layed in bed. I wonder why the guys never visit me anymore. Don't they care about me? I am starting to think Ryan cares about me more than them. I got up and decided I should shower before the guys wake up. I stepped into the shower and prayed the bonfire smoke smell would rinse off me. It did. I got out and pulled my hair into a ponytail not bothering to dry it or brush it. I went back to my room and slipped on one of my freshly washed long sleeve shirts. I feel sick, but I still have to go to that stupid school. I got in Logan and Landon's car...I guess it's our car. I got in our car and waited for the guys. They came out about 10 minutes later. We got to school and I headed for my first class. I normally don't because the teachers try to talk to me, but today it's better than my friends talking to me. The teachers are oblivious anyway, they haven't even figured out that I don't talk to anyone. I sat down in my usual seat and put my head in my hands. The teacher wasn't even in there. Around lunchtime none of my friends had seen me. I didn't know which was worse, sit with my friends, or sit with my foster brothers. I feel worse than I did this morning. I sat down at a table full of nerdy guys. They didn't care, all they cared about was the fact that a girl is sitting with them. Too bad I don't talk..or move. I felt this feeling like I was going to throw up, but I didn't have any food to throw up. I had to go to a bathroom or something. I started to stand up, but I passed out. I woke up in the nurses office. Some of the nerdy guys were in there. That's when it hit me. They didn't see my arms?! I looked down and my shirt sleeves were still pulled down, I also had an IV in my hand. I am guessing it was feeding me. Yuck. No point in trying to die now, eh? "Are you okay?" one of them asked. I just nodded. "We thought we should stay with you." the other one said, I narrowed my eyes and shook my head no. They looked taken back, but said bye and left. The nurse came in. "Have you been eating?" I shook my head no. "Why?" I shrugged. She sighed. "Well, Mabel wasn't too happy about this. She is going to make you eat from now on and the staff will be paying attention also." I rolled my eyes and nodded. "You may go back to class, there is only 20 minutes left in the day." I nodded and she took the IV out and let me leave. Thank goodness they hadn't gone through my bag. I was about to head out of the school when the nurse 'escorted' me to my class. I sighed and stepped in. This is the worst class. Literature. Not only is Ryan in this class, but so is Patrick, Joe, Andy, Pete, and Cole. Oh, and now I see that so is one of Ryan's friends. Jon I think. I was hoping to not be seen, but right when the door opened everyone's head shot up to look at me. I just looked at the ground and made my way to my seat. Which is next to Patrick. Once the teacher started teaching or rambling again Patrick leaned over. "Where have you been all day?" I pointed to the ground meaning 'here'. "No you haven't. None of us have seen you." I nodded. "So you've just been hiding from us. Then why weren't you in last class?" he asked. I shrugged and turned to the teacher who was looking at me and Patrick. "Mrs. Wilson, Mr. Stump. Do you have something you'd like to share?" I shrugged and Patrick replyed with a "No, sir." "Amy?" he asked again. I just shrugged. Patrick hit my arm. "No, sir, she doesn't." he said. I just rolled my eyes. No one at school, except administration and the guys, new that my parents were...gone. I sat on the steps of the school waiting to leave. L (since I don't know which one it is, I will just refer to them both as 'L') came out and tapped my shoulder. I just looked at him and back down. He grabbed my arm and I pulled it back down. I didn't want to be with anyone right now, I just want to sit on these steps until I die. Dramatic? hardly. He picked me up and carryed me to his car. I shook my head no and tried to get down. He wouldn't let me. L...the other L..opened the door and he put me in. I made a 'hmf' noise and stared out the window. Patrick ran over and started banging on it. I let a small smile slip. Mostly cause I haven't seen Patrick in what feels like forever. L opened the door. "Can she hang out for a while?" he asked. L looked at me. I nodded like I wanted to and he did the same. I got out and headed with Patrick towards Pete's car. "Pete and Andy got detention, so he gave me his keys and he will ride with Andy." he explained. I nodded. I got in the car and he started it. He was the one who never freaked out about me not talking, he never even mentioned it really, so I was surprised when he choked out. "Are you ever going to talk again?" I shrugged. He looked angry. "How can you just shrug, and nod, and shake your head, and make hand gestures?! Some of us like to have conversations! I am sick of this! I miss your voice." he whispered the last part. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't going to just start talking again. We drove in silence for a while. I wondered where we were going. We pulled into Joe's driveway and there were 4 cars there I didn't recognize. Patrick groaned when he saw them, but got out anyway. He opened my door and I gave him a hug before heading inside. When we got in Joe's parents attacked me with hugs. I didn't hug back. Patrick took me up to Joe's room and there were the owner's of the 4 cars. It was Ryan and his 3 friends. I sat down in his computer chair leaving Patrick without a seat. I moved to the floor and Patrick gave me a weird look. I pointed to the chair he walked over and sat down. All conversation stopped when we entered the room, but I didn't care. I pulled my phone out of my messenger bag and played rollercoaster runaway. It is the only game I have on there. "Why do you have a phone if you don't talk?" Jon asked. I glared at him, before softening my expression and shrugging. They carried on a conversation, that I wasn't really part of. I just played rollercoaster runaway the entire time. Pete and Andy entered the room with a huge bowl filled with gummy worms. They were screaming. Typical. The newcomers (Ryan and his crew) looked startled. I cracked a smile. Andy sat down next to me. "You are in trouble." he said handing me my hoodie that I left him with yesterday. I grabbed it and stuffed it into my messenger bag. I just shrugged. "Well you are." Andy said. I shrugged again. Pete tossed a few gummy worms at me. I looked up at him and threw them back, much harder. "No, you have to eat." he said throwing another handful. I took them and nodded. He smiled satisfied and looked away. Right when he turned his head I reached my hand up to throw them at his head, but someone grabbed it. I looked up and Patrick was holding my arm looking down at me and that look was anything but happiness.
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I will be updating this one more now.