In Another World

It never crossed my mind that Nick’s funeral would arrive ever so quickly. I know that it was my duty to attend his funeral but the true fact was that I didn’t want to go because I knew that if I did I would have to come face to face with his body again and to top it all up – make a speech.

Making speeches at events had never scared me before – I was quite confident in speaking in front of a large audience, I love it, it was my thing. However, making a speech at my own brother’s funeral? Not for me. I know for a fact that I would break down and say things that I might regret later on. I tried to explain to Kevin that it would be best for him to do it. But neither he nor Katie was having any of it.

“Look Joe, we know how hard it must be for you,” Katie placed her arm around me, “But you need to try and understand that Nick was more closer to you than anyone else in the family. He would appreciate it if you did this for him,” she moved away from me and made her way to Kevin to hug him.

I hated it when they said, “Nick was more closer to you,” that was quite true to an extent. However, things had changed and for the bad that is. Nick hated me. He had every right too. I didn’t deserve any of his brotherly love that he felt for me; I didn’t deserve any of it. It never occurred to me that my actions and words would have caused such an inconvenience for not only me but for everyone else around me.

I regretted it now.

“What do you mean, you don’t think Kodhai is not right for me?” Nick had asked me one day. “There’s nothing wrong with her Joe, she’s amazing. I love her.”

I stared at him for a few moments longer and then opened my mouth to answer is question. “I just care for you Nick. I don’t want to see you get hurt,” I smiled in his direction.

Nick shrugged his shoulders and let out a huge sigh. “You have nothing to worry about Joe. I know that you care and I appreciate it. But you need to know that Kodhai is not that kind of a girl,” he replied quite confidently.

Sighing I moved slightly away from him in the opposite direction, this disgusted me. Kodhai and Nick were deeply in love with one another – it was sickening. They seemed very nearly perfect for each other. Every time I saw the two together I felt a tinge of jealousy form inside me.

Giving into my brother and his fiancée I finally decided to go ahead with the speech. It was going to be hell for me, I knew that. But it also felt as if though I was hurting everybody else if I disagreed with them. I had hurt many already and I didn’t want to go onto further damage.

Taking out a pen and paper I sat down upon the chair and began to write. Nicholas Jerry Jonas was born on September 16th 1992. A date I reckoned back then that really did need to go down in history. Why? Because I had become a big brother then. Even at the age of three I felt as if though I had many responsibilities to fulfil as Nick entered our lives. I wanted to be involved in everything that had to do with him. Even if it meant changing his nappies. I’d do it.

I kept on scribbling away onto the paper and finally came to the end of my speech. Sighing frustratingly I placed the pen in my pocket and waited for Kevin’s call. “Wow Joe it didn’t take you long to come up with a speech,” looking up I saw the figure I missed. The person I yearned to be with yet again. It was Nick. Not just his voice this time but he himself was present right there before my eyes, “but then again why wouldn’t it? You’re happy right?” he raised an eyebrow at me.

I shook my head. “You’re not really there,” I whispered, “this is all in my head – you’re not really there.” I repeated to myself.

Shaking my head in disbelief I stood up abruptly and decided to make my own way to the church. People were already gathered around as I turned around to face them all. Faces showing sadness and so much grief that it killed me to be standing here right before them and knowing the fact that I was the cause of it all. I shuddered as a hand placed itself on my left shoulder.

It was Kodhai.

“Good luck,” I heard her say, “You’re going to need it. Murderer,” staring into her beautiful eyes I could see her crystal like tears forming yet again.

Closing my eyes I decided to let it all go and wait for the rest of my family to arrive. “Let’s go,” Kevin walked up to me and placed his arm around me, “it’s going to be alright,” he said.

Alright? I asked myself. Alright? How was everything going to be all right now? Now that Nick had left. Nothing would ever be just all right. Never. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

The ceremony began and now it was my turn to pay my respects alongside delivering the speech. Standing before everybody my heart ached and I began to feel cold all of a sudden. Clearing my throat I began the speech, “Nicholas Jerry Jonas was born on September 16th 1992. A date I reckoned back then that really did need to go down in history. Why? Because I had become a big brother then. Even at the age of three I felt as if though I had many responsibilities to fulfil as Nick entered our lives. I wanted to be involved in everything that had to do with him. Even if it meant changing his nappies. I’d do it,” I smiled a little at the very thought.

“Nick and I had a special relationship and time to time Kevin would get jealous,” I joked, “it was special what I had with my baby brother, every time he would be stuck in a dilemma. Every time he would just need somebody to talk too. He would come running towards me. I don’t know why because I was never the best person to give advice though it made me feel loved. Nick had pretty much become my lifeline a special drug that was there to keep me alive. I couldn’t stand it if he ever got hurt,” yet I hurt him myself, I let out a sigh and continued on with my speech.

“And now knowing the fact that I will never be able to see that face of his again…it kills. It really is a stab in the heart. Yes, everyone has to leave this world someday. But Nick left so soon – so suddenly that it’s scary. Time to time I think to myself that I should have been in that car and not him. That I should have to leave and not him. But this is all in the hands of God. There’s nothing we can do about it. So to finish off I’d like to say that my baby brother Nicholas was a loving brother, loving son, a loving friend and a loving boyfriend. He will always be remembered and he will always be loved by many. Thank you.”

Grabbing the piece of paper that my speech was written on I gradually made my way down the steps. But not before taking another glance at Nick’s sleeping body. “I’m sorry,” I mouthed and made my way out of the church not caring if the ceremony was over or not.