Fake My Smile

I half-heartedly poked at the food on my plate as I waited for some of the pictures I’d taken from lasts night show to load up on my laptop. Brian had taken me to a local cafe, insisting that I needed to eat something as I hadn’t in the last day since my fight with Zacky. I could feel Brian watching me as I pushed the food around the plate before sighing as I dropped the fork to the table and rested my head in my hand, my eyes glued to my computer screen.

“Rosie, you’ve got to eat something.”

I shrugged and remained silent as my laptop binged quietly to tell me that the uploads had finished. I quickly flicked through them to make sure that they were okay, deleting the ones that were shoddy, before grabbing up my other memory disk and slotting it in to the drive. I clicked the appropriate buttons and then waited. Going through the motions of my work since my mind was elsewhere.

It had been a day since Zacky and I had fought. A day since he called me a slut. A day since I’d spoken to him. I hadn’t uttered one word to him, instead choosing to ignore him and letting Brian answer for me when he could. I ignored the hurt looks that Zacky was sending me, the apologetic looks, the pleading looks...I couldn’t cope with it. What he had said to me had been completely uncalled for and despite the fact that I wanted to believe what Ben had said, that Zacky had simply said it in anger, there was a small part of me wondering if it was what Zacky truly thought of me.

Those words wouldn’t have been in his mind at all if it wasn’t.

“Rosie, please eat something,” Brian pleaded with me as he shuffled his chair around the table to sit next to me.

I looked at him, his dark eyes wide with pleading and his bottom lip sticking out slightly in a pout. I rolled my eyes, a small smile beginning to creep across my lips.

“You look ridiculous,” I pointed out and Brian huffed somewhat.

I nudged him before looking at my laptop as it binged again, seeing that my pictures had now loaded. I took my memory card out and placed it back in my bag with the other one before clicking on the window to get the pictures up. My heart froze as the first picture came up and I felt tears prick slightly at my eyes.

The first picture was a candid one backstage before the show. Zacky had run over to me with my camera and insisted that I took a picture of the two of us. I’d adhered to his request and taken my camera from him, extending my arm forward and snapping the picture. As it took, Zacky had turned his head and pressed his lips to my cheek. My face was slightly scrunched up but you could see a hint of a smile on my lips.

“Rosie...”

I shook my head at Brian and snapped my laptop shut before looking to the cafe door as it opened, hoping for something that would take my mind off of things but fate hates me. Instead I found myself staring into green eyes, no longer as bright as they had once been. They were now a faded, washed out colour. Zacky’s eyes widened slightly, as they kept doing when he walked into a room to find me there, and he stepped forward to our table.

I looked away and hastily packed my laptop into my bag before standing up and slinging it over my shoulder. Brian went to grab my hand but the moment I felt his fingers brush against my skin I stepped away from him and around the table before pushing past Zacky and Matt so I could leave.

“Rosie, wait.”

I bit my lip as I tried to ignore Zacky coming after me, calling out my name as his footsteps rushed towards me.

“Rosie, please.”

I shook my head and increased my footsteps, wanting Zacky to leave me alone. But he didn’t. Instead he caught up with me, his hand circling my wrist. I stopped walking and closed my eyes, feeling him move around me until he was standing in front of me.

“Rosie, please talk to me.”

I opened my eyes, letting the tears that had been building up fall down my cheeks. I jerked away as Zacky reached to wipe them away before connecting my gaze with his. I stepped away from him and gripped the strap of my bag. I tried to walk around him but Zacky stepped in front of me. I sighed and tried again but he did it once more.

I sighed and looked to the ground. “Please will you let me get by?”

“Not until you let me talk.”

I closed my eyes and tipped my head back, biting hard on my lip before looking back at him.

“And say what?” I asked quietly. “Zack, nothing you can say right now to me can make me feel any worse than you’ve already made me feel.”

Zacky’s brow furrowed. “I don’t want to make you feel worse...”

“Nothing you can say can make up for what you said either.”

I watched as Zacky chewed on his lip rings, a sign to tell me that he was lost for words. I shook my head and went to walk past him again but Zacky grabbed my arm once more and turned me to him.

“Zee, I’m sorry okay. I didn’t...”

“You didn’t what Zack?” I scoffed. “Didn’t mean it? Those words wouldn’t have been in your head if you didn’t.”

“Zee please...”

“No,” I shrieked, finally having enough and pulled myself out of his grip. “No. You don’t get to just sweet talk me out of this and don’t you dare call me Zee anymore Zack. Just...just leave me alone.”

I whimpered the last bit as Zacky stared at me in disbelief. I bit my lip and finally turned away from him and walked away.

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I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his neck, standing on my tiptoes so I could bury my face against his skin.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” I whispered.

Ben pressed a kiss to the side of my head. “I’m gonna miss you too Rosie.”

I sniffed and pulled away slightly, keeping my hands hooked around his neck. Ben smiled softly and brought a hand up to wipe away the stray tear that had fallen, squeezing my waist with his other hand.

“You two made up yet?” He asked, his gaze flicking over to Zacky for a moment.

I shook my head and glanced over at Zacky to see that he was glaring slightly at Ben before he looked affronted after Brian had smacked him round the back of the head. I sighed and rested my forehead against Ben’s chest, smiling slightly as I felt his hand run through my hair.

“You need to talk to him at some point.”

I pouted and looked up at Ben, feeling myself get slightly lost in his grey eyes. I opened my mouth to say something but was interrupted by an obnoxiously loud honk and Matt’s similarly obnoxiously loud voice.

“Rosie! Wrap it up! We’ve got to move!”

I rolled my eyes and groaned before looking to the bus. “Can it Hulk! I’ll be done when I’m bloody done.”

Matt pouted at me and patted his chest, just over is heart. “That hurt Rosie. That hurt.”

“Big baby,” I muttered as I turned back to Ben.

He chuckled before leaning down and pressing his lips to mine quickly.

“Visit more okay?” Ben told me. “I don’t want it to be another three years before I see or hear from you again.”

I nodded and smiled. “I promise I will. You’ve got all my new details and stuff right?”

Ben nodded and leant down to kiss me once more before letting me go. I bit my lip and brought my hand up in a wave before shrieking as I was lifted off the ground. I looked over my shoulder and glared down at Brian.

“Brian! You wanker! What are you doing?”

“Getting you on the bus before you make us late,” he commented before turning so he was looking at Ben. “It was nice to meet you Ben!”

I heard Ben chuckle but then nothing as I was put on the bus. Brian finally put me back on to my feet and I glared up at him. My glare fell as I helplessly smiled due to the goofy grin Brian was sending me. I stumbled slightly as Zacky pushed past us and the only thing to stop me from falling down the steps was Brian catching me.

“Watch it fucker!” Brian shouted at him.

I rolled my eyes before standing on tiptoes and kissing Brian quickly on the cheek.

“I’m going to lie down for a bit.”

Brian smiled and nodded before letting go so I could walk to the bunks.

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I buried my thoughts in the book I was reading. It was one of my favourites, Six Reasons To Stay A Virgin by Louise Harwood, and always cheered me up but for some reason this time it wasn’t working. In fact all I could think of was a million reasons why it would probably be best to stay a virgin.

“Six reasons to stay a virgin? Bit late for that isn’t it?”

I turned my head and sent a nasty glare at Zacky. I had a feeling he meant it as a joke but it had fallen flat. Zacky rubbed the back of his neck nervously and stepped slightly away from my bunk where I was currently lying.

“I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”

I rolled my eyes and jumped out of my bunk. “Funny. You seem to be doing that a lot recently.”

I moved away from him and started to head to the front but didn’t get far before my steps faltered and I had to look at Zacky in disbelief.

“Why won’t you let me say I’m sorry?”

“Because I don’t believe you,” I replied harshly.

“For fuck’s sake Rosie! I didn’t mean it. I was just angry and...”

“And what?” I asked, stepping forward slightly my grip on my book increasing. “You fucking called me a slut Zack. You of all people called me a slut.”

Zacky ran his hands through is hair stressfully before dropping them to his sides.

“What can I do to fix this?”

“You can’t.”

I turned and went to walk away again, feeling tears build up in my eyes.

“Let me fix this,” he shouted after me.

I turned on my heel and stopped walking, facing Zacky as I shook my head.

“You can’t fix this one.”

“Why not?” He shouted again, even though we were only a couple of feet away from one another.

I stopped the words that I wanted to say. I stopped myself from telling Zacky how he had broken my heart.

“You just can’t,” I whispered before turning once again to go to the front.

“Fine! I’m done trying to get you to forgive me. You want this to be the way it is then fine. This is the way it’ll be. Twelve fucking years of friendship lost because of one small mistake I made...”

“It wasn’t a fucking small mistake Zack,” I shouted back at him as I turned and looked at him yet again. “You called me a slut!”

Zacky shrugged and muttered something but I didn’t quite hear it. I thought I caught some of it but I wasn’t sure.

“What did you just say?”

“I said if you didn’t go around like one then I wouldn’t have fucking called you it would I?”

I felt my heart shatter once again as he insinuated that I was a slut. I bit my lip as pain began to rip inside of me but instead of letting out a cry, I let out a scream.

“I fucking hate you Zack Baker,” I screamed at him and throwing my book at him, nailing him in the forehead. “Fucking stay away from me.”

“Gonna be a bit of problem there love,” Zacky smirked, using his arrogance as a defence against our argument. “We’re stuck on a bus together for another three and a half months.”

I shook my head as my tears finally began to slip down my cheeks.

“Not if I go home.”

I turned and went straight through to the front where I’d left my laptop and sat down, booting it up well aware of the looks the rest of the guys were giving me.

“You can’t fucking leave!” Zacky boomed as he walked out to the front. “We’re fucking paying you to be here.”

I ignored him and tapped away on my laptop, bringing up the website I needed to book a ticket back to America. My gaze snapped up as someone shut my laptop and I glared at Johnny.

“Let go of my laptop,” I growled.

Johnny shook his head before sliding my computer towards him.

“Johnny...”

“Told you, you couldn’t leave,” Zacky stated smugly and I could almost hear the rest of the boys roll their eyes.

Before anyone could react I’d stood up and had punched Zacky in the jaw, good and hard enough to make my knuckles throb slightly. I went to hit him again but Matt jumped up and grabbed me, stopping me from inflicting any other pain on their rhythm guitarist.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Zacky shouted at me.

“You. You’re what’s wrong with me,” I spat out as I shrugged out of Matt’s hold. “And I can leave, because I fucking quit!”

Silence filled the bus as I pushed Zacky to the side, not caring as he fell awkwardly against the counter, and walked to the bunks.

“Rosie...”

I shook my head as Brian followed me and decided to go to the back room, where I could lock myself in. Brian thumped on the door but I didn’t let him in. I simply walked over to the couch and curled up on it, bringing my knees up and letting my sobs finally come out.

“Rosie, let me in.”

“Leave me alone,” I cried back.

Brian sighed and I could imagine him with his forehead resting against the door, his eyes scrunched up as he tried to work out what to do.

“Rosie...”

“Leave me the hell alone!”