Fake My Smile

I tore my eyes away from the TV, even though I wasn’t really watching it, and rolled my eyes as Zacky walked into the back room.

“Get out,” I told him blandly.

“No.”

I sighed and stood up. “If you’re not leaving, then I will.”

Zacky shook his head and shut the door, locking it too and standing in front of it. I ran my hands stressfully through my hair and went and sat down on the couch once more, not seeing the point in fighting to get out.

“Rosie, please just listen to me,” Zacky pleaded with me.

“Why should I?” I asked stubbornly.

“Because, whether you believe me or not I am truly sorry for what I said,” he replied and stepped towards me.

I watched him warily and shook my head but remained quiet.

“I didn’t mean it,” he told me. “I don’t know why the hell those words were in my head but I honestly didn’t mean them.”

I bit my lip as tears pricked at my eyes and I shook my head as I rose to my feet.

“I can’t listen to this,” I voiced quietly and stepped around him.

“Rosie, please don’t throw away us just because I made a dickhead mistake.”

I felt his hand curl around my wrist and I sniffed.

“Zacky, please just let me go.”

“I can’t,” he commented and turned me to look at him, his voice low as he spoke. “I could never let you go.”

I looked at him, sensing something new in his words. Some untold emotion that he’d never showed for me before.

“Zacky please...”

He shook his head and stepped forward, making me step back and I felt my back hit the door. Zacky closed the gap between us and pressed his lips to mine. I should have pushed him away. I should have shouted at him and told him he had my sister. But for some reason I couldn’t. All I could do was raise my hands to tangle my fingers in his hair as I kissed back.

I woke up with a start and sat up quickly, wincing as I hit my head on the bunk above me.

“Fuck,” I hissed as I rose my hand and rubbed at my forehead, hissing in pain as I realised I’d cut myself. “Damn it.”

I sighed as I looked down at my fingers, straining in the dark to make out the small patch of blood. I carefully climbed out of my bunk so I could go to the bathroom without waking anyone. I shut the door quietly behind me and turned the light on, closing my eyes against the light for a moment before slowly opening them and looking in the mirror.

“For God’s sakes,” I muttered to myself as I saw the small cut on my forehead.

I shook my head and stepped back, sinking down onto the toilet as I thought about the dream I’d had. It’s not the first time I’ve dreamt of Zacky like that and past experience told me that it is more than likely not going to be the last time. I felt tears prick at the back of my eyes but I didn’t want them to fall. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I was so damned tired of crying.

I heard footsteps and hastily rubbed my cheeks, wiping away any unruly tears that had fallen against my will. I looked to the bathroom door as it slowly opened but looked away as Zacky poked his head in.

“Rosie? What are you doing up?”

I shrugged and wrapped my arms around myself, sniffing as I tried not to make it obvious I had been crying and that I was still crying a little bit.

“Zee? Are you okay?”

I huffed out a humourless laugh and glanced over at him but I made a mistake doing that. Zacky’s face fell as he saw the expression on mine. If my face reflected how I was feeling inside then I must have looked completely and utterly defeated. Zacky rushed over to me and crouched in front of me, his gaze zoning in on the cut on my forehead.

“What happened?” He asked as he rose his hand and brushed his fingers lightly over the cut.

I picked at a thread on my pyjama bottoms and shrugged.

“I had a bad dream and it woke me up with a start and I hit my head on Jimmy’s bunk.”

Zacky’s brow furrowed. “What did you dream about?”

I bit my lip and swallowed down my tears before choking out a small, “doesn’t matter”.

Zacky ran his fingers through my hair before pulling me to him, his arms wrapping around me and despite the anger that I still felt inside due to the words he’d spoken to me I let him hug him. My tears overruled my will and began to fall down my cheeks, running down Zacky’s shoulder as I buried my face in the crook of his neck. My hands rested flat against his bare chest and I wished that he was wearing a T-shirt so I had something to grip.

“These last couple of days have been hell,” Zacky admitted, his voice slightly muffled by the top of my head.

I shook my head as I thought about the pain that had ripped through me every time Zacky was around me.

“I know that they are just words and nothing can take back what I said but I really am sorry Rosie,” Zacky voiced quietly and pulled away so he could look at me. “I honestly didn’t mean to hurt you. I fucked up and it’s breaking me not having you there for me. It’s only been a few days but I’m going insane.”

Zacky’s voice cracked slightly and I looked him in the eyes, silently gasping as I saw the tears welling up in his eyes. I swallowed and brought my hand up, cupping his jaw gently and rubbing my thumb under his eye. I sighed and bit my lip as I let my hand fall down limp onto my lap. I looked away from Zacky, wanting so much to forgive him but the words were still there in me stabbing me each time they entered my memory.

I heard Zacky sigh before I felt him move away from me. Out of the corner of my eye I watched him shuffle back slightly and sit on the floor, his back leaning up against the bathroom cabinet.

“I’m not going to force you to forgive me but I want you to...no,” Zacky shook his head. “I need you to believe me. Knowing that I’ve hurt you...hurt you enough for you to tell me that you hate me...”

Zacky trailed off and coughed slightly as his voice cracked again and I looked over to him in time to see a tear slip down his cheek.

“I feel like I’m drowning without you,” he told me. “I don’t know what to do. I want to talk to someone but the one person I would talk to is the person I can’t because you don’t want to talk to me. I don’t blame you for that. I’m a complete asshole for what I said to you and I am sorry.”

We fell into silence except for a small thump as Zacky leant his head back against the cabinet. I let his words soak in to me and bit my lip, raising my hand to brush away the tears that were still falling.

“If anyone else had called me a slut,” I voiced after a while, catching Zacky’s attention as his gaze snapped to me. “I would have probably just laughed it off because I know that I’m not. But because you..you said it and I just...”

I shook my head and bit my lip, taking a deep breath to ready myself for admitting to Zacky half the reason I avoided him so much.

“It broke my heart.”

Zacky’s face fell as I admitted that but a split second later and he had scrambled to his feet, crossing the tiny space between us and pulling me to my feet. He wrapped me up in his arms and pressed his lips to the top of my head.

“God,” he groaned. “I’m so sorry Rosie. Please believe me. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Then why did you say it?” I asked, my question stuttered and broken as small sobs escaped me.

Zacky shook his head and vainly brushed my tears away.

“I was...I don’t know. I don’t have an excuse. I was so fucking angry and I just...I didn’t think about what I was saying. I just...God, I don’t know what I was thinking. But I don’t think that of you. You couldn’t be less of a slut if you tried. You’re like a fucking nun sometimes.”

I chuckled through my tears and Zacky let a small smile creep across his lips. He brushed some of my hair out of my face and leant forward, pressing his lips to my forehead.

“Are we okay?”

I bit my lip and looked up at my best friend, seeing hope and worry in his green eyes. I nodded and smiled as Zacky grinned. He kissed me loudly on the cheek before dragging me through to the front and making me sit down. I glanced down to the bunks, surprised that no one had woken up.

I looked at Zacky to see him holding the first aid box as he sat beside me. I rolled my eyes but let Zacky launch himself into ‘nurse Zacky’ mode. I hissed quietly, making Zacky mutter an ‘I’m sorry’ as he cleaned the cut. He even put a plaster over the top...one that I had a feeling had cartoon characters on it if the chuckle Zacky let out was anything to go by.

But I didn’t care. All I cared about was that I had my best friend back.