Fake My Smile

“And how are you today?” My nurse asked me as she came in to check on me.

I shrugged. “I’m breathing so that’s good.”

She gave me a pointed look and I smiled sheepishly.

“I just want to go home,” I sighed. “I’ve been here five days...I think I’m getting cabin fever...are there any tests for that?”

My nurse chuckled and shook her head as she put my clipboard down having written down the things she needed to.

“I’ll be back in a few hours okay?”

I nodded and watched silently as she left my room. I sighed and wriggled down so I was curled up on my side, facing away from the door as I tried not to get too bored. It was basically impossible. Being stuck in a bed for five days I had read everything that Jimmy, Brian and Lyndsey had brought for me. There was nothing else for me to do except count the ceiling tiles. I turned on to my back and looked up.

“One...two...three...four...five...six...seven...”

“Counting ceiling tiles?”

I jumped, startled by the sudden voice before I realised I recognised that voice and that it belonged to the last person I wanted to see. I looked over at Zacky and shook my head.

“Leave me alone Zack. I have nothing to say to you and there is nothing I want to hear from you.”

I turned so my back was facing him, hoping that he’d take the hint and leave but Zacky is either thick or stubborn...or both because instead he shut the door and remained in the room. I closed my eyes and cursed the tears that were beginning to prick at the back of my eyes.

“Rosie, please look at me.”

“Fuck off.”

“Rosie please,” he pleaded.

I sat up suddenly, a glare resting in my gaze as I stared at him. “You’re pleading with me? Fuck you Zack, you have no right to say anything to me at the moment.”

“I just want to know you’re okay.”

“Okay?” I asked him in disbelief. “Are you bloody kidding me? No I’m not okay.”

Zacky shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at me and I only just noticed how red his eyes were. And this time it wasn’t because of alcohol. This time I knew it was because he hadn’t been sleeping and there was a possibility that he’d been crying. I closed my eyes away from the image, feeling that pull in me that wanted to comfort my best friend.

“Rosie, I’m...I’m sorry.”

I shook my head, keeping my eyes closed even as a tear slid down my cheek.

“Please Rosie, look at me. I miss you so much, I...”

“No,” I whispered. “Stop it.”

I opened my eyes as I felt my bed dip slightly as hands rested on my arms. I took my arms away from him, slapping him away as he tried to reach for me again.

“I don’t want to lose you,” he told me, his voice weak and cracked.

My jaw tightened as my chin trembled a little, tears falling down my cheeks at a rapid pace. I swallowed and shook my head.

“You lost me the moment you kissed me,” I pointed out, pushing his arms away from me as he tried to comfort me.

“No,” he stressed. “I’m not losing you Rosie. I can’t lose you...you’re my girl.”

“No I’m not,” I shouted at him. “I’m not your girl. I was never your girl.”

Zacky shook his head and cupped my face in his hands. I tried to move away from him but he wouldn’t let me.

“Get off of me!” I shrieked, smacking his arms away from me and turning my face away. “Leave me alone Zack.”

“Rosie, please,” he pleaded.

I shook my head and glanced at him. “Because of you I lost my sister Zack. I can never forgive you for that.”

Zacky shook his head once more. “Rosie, I love you. Please don’t...I need you in my life.”

“I don’t need you in mine,” I lied to him.

We both knew I was lying. I needed him in my life just as much as he needed me. I always felt lost when we were apart. But I knew that I had to have him out of my life. As much as it would hurt to lose him, it hurt more at the moment to be near him.

“That’s not true,” he insisted and I didn’t know whose benefit that was for. “Please tell me that’s not true.”

I turned my gaze away from him and sniffed as I watched a tear fall into the blanket. I gasped as Zacky grabbed my face roughly, making me look at him.

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t need me.”

I looked at him but I couldn’t do it and he knew it.

“You can’t do it...Rosie, please. You need me just as much as I need you.”

“Let go of me,” I pleaded, my voice weak with tears as my resolve began to break. “Please leave me alone.”

“I’ll leave you alone when you tell me to go,” he told me. “When you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t love me.”

I bit my lip and just stared at him, trying to find the courage to tell him what I knew I needed to. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t look him in the eye and tell him I didn’t love him. I didn’t even understand what was going on. Did he just mean love as in friends? Or did he mean more? Yes he’d told me he loved me as in ‘in love’ with me, but he’d been drunk. By the crushed look on his face when my sister threw her ring back at him I presumed he was still in love with her.

“Tell me you don’t love me,” he demanded.

“Get the fucking hell away from her!” Was suddenly shrieked from the door and I tore my gaze from Zacky and looked over to see Lyndsey standing there, red in the face and her fists clenched.

Zacky ignored her and made me look at him again.

“Tell me.”

“I...I...”

I didn’t get to finish, though I knew the words wouldn’t have come anyway, because Brian had grabbed Zacky and had pulled him out of the room. I ignored them, vaguely hearing them shout over one another but I didn’t pay attention. I collapsed to my side and curled my legs up to my chest, closing my eyes tight as I began to cry. I felt a hand on my back as my bed dipped down.

Lyndsey stroked my back gently, leaning down a few times to give me a quick hug but I couldn’t concentrate on that. All I could concentrate on was the sudden pain that had flared through me. The pain that I had all but forgotten after talking to Ben yesterday.

“I’m going to fucking kill him,” Lyndsey muttered before turning her voice to me. “How long was he here for?”

I shrugged and curled myself up tighter as my gut constricted.

“What happened Rosie?”

I didn’t reply, verbally or physically. I just remained as I was.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Lyndsey answered Brian’s question. “She won’t say anything.”

“Rosie?”

I tightened my eyes and whimpered slightly as thoughts of the other night flashed through my head. I heard Lyndsey sigh and heard hushed sentences passed between the couple before I felt one of them crouch beside the bed where my head was. I opened my eyes finally and saw Brian crouched there.

He flashed me a warm smile as he tucked some of my hair behind my ear, his thumb stroking my cheek gently as he did so.

“You want anything?”

I sniffed and nodded.

“What?”

“I want to go home.”