Fake My Smile

“Now don’t, don’t say it didn’t happen that way. I won’t, won’t believe another word you say. In a clear view there’s a silhouette and I watch you and I can’t forget. Knew we were done when you locked that door. Yeah, I figured it out now, breaking’s what the heart is for.”

I looked over at my CD player as I finally listened to the song playing. I sighed and crossed the room so I could change the CD.

“I need to stop listening to such depressing stuff,” I muttered to myself as I placed When The World Comes Down back in its case.

I looked through my CD’s as I tried to find something to listen to. My brow furrowed as I found a CD simply entitled La La La La! I then remembered that it was a mixed CD that Sarah had made me once after I’d told her that I hadn’t heard some of the songs she was talking about. About two days later and she’d thrust this CD under my nose. She’s a strange one that girl.

I shrugged to myself and put the CD into my player, pressing play and waiting to see what the first song was. I chuckled when I recognised it.

“Yeah, I’ve gone a bit MTV on your ass,” came the voice of the English comedian Bill Bailey. “You picked me up from school. You attended all my sporting functions. You bought me a car. Gave me use of a credit card. But how can I feel pain? How can I feel pain? How can I feel pain when you’re being so supportive?”

I bit my lip as I smiled when I remembered how after telling Sarah I’d never heard of this man, she had made me watch the DVD and then subsequently put some of his songs on this CD for me. Needless to say that I now counted Bill Bailey was one of my favourite comedians.

The next song had become one of my favourites and I decided to keep this CD on as I packed.

“I can’t believe the drama that I’m in. The flood is getting closer. I don’t think they know that I know how to swim. You’re feeling numb, from all that has become. It leaves your gums, slips down your tongue and travels fast down towards your lungs, all because I,” I sang as I walked over to my open suitcase and began folding some T-shirts into it. “Leaving you behind. I feel the pressure, it’s coming down on me. It’s turning me black and blue. Oh you left me on the side of the road. And now I’ve got no place to go, you brought the flood.”

I chewed my lip and walked over to my wardrobe, grabbing up a couple of jumpers. I knew it would be cold where I was headed. It always was at this time of year. Fuck that, it was cold all year round compared to California. I folded my jumpers down and put them in my suitcase before going through to my bathroom, leaving all the doors open so my music echoed through my apartment.

I grabbed my toiletries bag and began putting in my essentials, knowing that if I forgot anything then I’d be able to get it on the other side. I looked around the bathroom and nodded to myself before turning to leave. As I turned I caught my reflection in the mirror and I felt tears prick at my eyes.

The girl staring back at me couldn’t be me. I looked so tired and so pale. I still hadn’t got what little colour I’d had before back. I was so pale and the colour of my skin made the dark purple rings beneath my eyes stand out even more prominent. My gaze settled on the silver around my neck, the happy little gingerbread man smiling up at me. I brought my hand up to finger it but resisted it. Though I couldn’t take the necklace off I was trying my hardest not to find comfort in it.

I zipped up my toiletries bag and went back to my room just as Lover, You Should Have Come Over by Jamie Cullum started. I’d heard the Jeff Buckley version but Sarah had raved and raved about this version. Regardless of the mood I was in this song often had me in tears.

“Looking out the door I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners. Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water. Maybe I’m too young to keep good love from going wrong but tonight you’re on my mind so you never know,” Jamie sang through my room and I tried my best to keep concentrating on packing. “I’m broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it. Where are you tonight, you know how much I need it. Too young to hold on and too old to break free and run.”

I sighed and closed my eyes as I willed myself not to turn this song off.

“Sometimes a man, he gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun. And he’s much too blind to see the damage he’s done. ‘Cause sometimes a man must awake to find that really he has no one.”

I felt my hands shake but I shook my head and opened my eyes to finish packing, determined to get through this song without crying.

“So I’ll wait for you and I’ll burn. Will I ever see your sweet return? Oh will I ever learn? Oh lover you should have come over ‘cause it’s not too late.”

I chewed the inside of my lip and dropped the pair of jeans I was holding before letting myself sink to the floor. I was a very weak person it seemed as tears fell down my cheeks. I leant against my bed, only vaguely being aware of my front door opening and closing.

“Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in. Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him. My body turns and yearns for a sleep that won’t ever come.”

“Oh Rosie,” I heard sighed and I looked to the door to see Lyndsey standing there, a sad look in her eyes as she glanced from me to the CD player.

She walked over to it and I knew she was going to shut it off.

“Don’t,” I muttered. “Leave it.”

Lyndsey hesitated before sighing and walking over to me, dropping herself to the floor beside me as we both waited out the song.

“Sometimes a man, he gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun. And he’s much too blind to see the damage he’s done. ‘Cause sometimes a man must awake to find that really he has no one. So I’ll wait for you and I’ll burn. Will I ever see your sweet return? Oh will I ever learn? Oh lover you should’ve come over. ‘Cause it’s not too late.”

The song wound down to its end and Lyndsey shifted beside me, pulling her legs out from beneath her and wrapping her arms around me. We both remained silent, though the silence was interrupted as the next song started.

“Check, check, check, check...check out my melody. Check, check, check, check...check out my melody. Check, check, check, check...check out my melody. Check, check, check, check...check out my melody. Special...you think you’re special...”

“Is this Limp Bizkit?” Lyndsey asked as she looked over at my CD player as if it had just started playing The Killers.

I chuckled and wiped away my tears as I nodded.

“Why do you have Limp Bizkit on this CD after Jamie Cullum?” Lyndsey questioned as she looked at me as if I was insane. “They so don’t work together.”

I brought my hands up in defence. “Sarah made this CD for me.”

“Figures,” Lyndsey muttered with a small giggle. “She’s a nutcase.”

“And I will straight up leave your shit. ‘Cause I’ve had enough of this and now I’m pissed. Yeah! This time I’m a let it all come out. This time I’m a stand up and shout. I’m a do things my way. It’s my way. My way or the highway!”

Lyndsey rolled her eyes before glancing up at my bed, her brow furrowing as she pushed herself to her feet. She picked up the jeans I’d dropped and then looked at my already half full suitcase. I chewed my lip and pushed myself to my feet, waiting for some kind of reaction from Lyndsey considering I hadn’t told her yet that I was leaving.

“Please tell me you are just being overly generous to a charity shop,” Lyndsey quietly pleaded.

I shook my head as Lyndsey brought her gaze to me.

“Then why the hell are your clothes in a suitcase?” She asked.

I could see that she was trying to keep calm, trying not to get angry with me.

I shrugged and shoved my hands in the front pockets of my jeans. “I figured that I needed to get away for a bit.”

“I’m a do things my way. It’s my way. My way or the highway!”

“Get away,” Lyndsey repeated as if tasting the words on her tongue. “You’re going away? Where the hell are you going? And when the hell are you going?”

I bit my lip, knowing that she wouldn’t like what was about to come out of my mouth.

“Tomorrow night and I’m going to go and visit Ben.”

“For how long?” Lyndsey ground out between her teeth as her grip on my jeans increased.

I shrugged. “I don’t know yet.”

Lyndsey looked at me in disbelief and I hesitantly took my jeans from her, holding them to my chest as she continued to stare at me.

“Are you telling me that you’re leaving for England tomorrow night, in freaking twenty-four hours, and you weren’t going to tell me? Leaving for what sounds indefinitely and you weren’t going to freaking tell me?”

“I...I was going to...”

“When? Tomorrow?” Lyndsey spat out before shaking her head as I remained quiet. “I can’t believe you Rosie. I can’t...”

She raised her hands and shook her head before walking out of my room. I felt a tear fall down my cheek as I dashed out of my room and after her.

“Lyndsey wait...please, let me...”

Lyndsey turned on her heel as she got to my front door and glared at me.

“No, let me,” she stated, her voice coming out cold and harsh. “You’re going to explain right? You’re going to tell me that you can’t cope so you’re going to run away. Regardless of the fact that for the week that you were in hospital and for the last few days since you’ve been out, I’ve dropped basically everything to make sure you’re okay. That my husband has been at your fucking beck and call.”

“Just one more fight and I’ll be history. Yes I will straight up leave your shit and you’ll be the one who’s left missing me,” echoed through from my bedroom as I pleadingly looked over at Lyndsey.

“You could have told me,” she muttered, the resentment falling away from her voice to be replaced with betrayal. “You could have talked to me about going and I would have...I would have understood but...” Lyndsey shook her head and turned her gaze away from me as I watched a tear fall down her cheek. “I know you’ve been through a lot. I’ve been here for you throughout it but if you’re just going to run away from it...run away from the help I’ve been trying to give you then...I give up.”

Lyndsey placed her hand on the door handle of my front door and looked at me once more.

“Say hi to Ben for me,” she murmured before leaving my apartment.

The front door closed and I could do nothing but stare at the wood, wishing for the ground to open and for the world to swallow me whole.