Fake My Smile

I chewed my lip and looked up at the house in front of me. I tried to swallow down my seemingly never ending tears but it was useless. I stared at the front door for a few more seconds before shaking my head and turning on my heel, walking back over to my car. I didn’t want to leave with things between us like this but I knew she wouldn’t listen to me.

“Rosie?”

I closed my eyes as I reached my car before slowly turning and looking over to the house, seeing Brian standing there with a concerned look in his eyes. I smiled weakly and leant against the side of my car as Brian walked over to me.

“You okay?”

I sniffed and shrugged as I felt a heavy feeling pulsate through my chest.

“Been better,” I whispered and rose my gaze to meet his. “Does she hate me?”

Brian glanced back at the house then looked at me as he shook his head.

“She doesn’t hate you she’s just...Lyndsey hates the fact that you didn’t feel like you could talk to her about leaving. She would have understood but she hates that you were going to tell her a few hours before your flight.”

I bit my lip and nodded, bringing my hand up and wiping a few of my tears away. I swallowed and looked up at his house, not missing the way one of the curtains twitched back into place. My brow furrowed as I tried my hardest not to full on cry in front of Brian.

“Can you...if I give you something, can you give it to Lyndsey for me?” I asked and Brian nodded.

I smiled weakly before pushing myself off my car and pulling the door open. I stuck my top half in and rooted about for my handbag, finally finding it and pulling out a letter from it.

“Can you give her this?” I questioned, passing the envelope over to Brian. “Can you tell her that I’m leaving my apartment at seven? That I want to see her before I leave but it’s up to her?”

Brian nodded before pulling me into a hug.

“I’m so sorry Brian,” I cried quietly against his shoulder. “I’m sorry for everything.”

“Shh, Rosie,” Brian cooed slightly before pressing his lips to my forehead. “Just...get your head straightened okay? I hate seeing you like this.”

I bit my lip and nodded. “I’ll try.”

Brian smiled warmly. “If I don’t see you, have a good trip okay? Give us a ring when you land so I know you’re safe. And say hi to Ben for me.”

I nodded and brought my hand up in a wave as Brian walked back to his house. I slipped into my car and closed the door. I sat there for a second, my gaze flicking to the front window where I saw the curtain suddenly shut once more. I took a deep breath and shook my head before reversing out of their driveway and going back to my apartment, not knowing if I had completely screwed things up with Lyndsey or not.

Lyndsey’s P.O.V

I looked up as Brian walked into the living room. I looked away from him as he waved an envelope at me, sinking down onto one of the couches and curling my legs under myself.

“Baby, don’t let her go like this,” Brian pleaded with me as he placed the letter on the coffee table before me.

He leant over to me, his hands either side of me on the back of the couch and the arm I was resting against. Brian pressed his lips to mine softly, pulling me into a gentle kiss before he pulled away and kissed my forehead.

“I’ll be in the kitchen,” he muttered before standing up and leaving the room.

Brian was being very neutral about this whole thing and it was infuriating me. I wanted him to be completely on my side but I knew why he wasn’t and I couldn’t blame him for it. Brian was just too damn nice for his own good sometimes.

I glanced at the envelope that had my name scrawled across the front in Rosie’s writing. I bit my lip before reaching forward and grabbing it up. I turned it over a few times in my hands, hesitating to read it. I bit my lip and ripped it open, unfolding the paper within and letting the words soak into me.

Dear Lyndsey,

I’m sorry...it’s redundant I know but I am sorry. For everything. For taking you for granted for these past twelve years. For taking advantage of your kind nature. For blaming others when everything that I feel at the moment is my fault. And most of all for being too chicken to say these things to your face.

I knew that if I tried to talk to you that you wouldn’t have it and I knew that I’d end up just stuttering and stumbling over my words. I’d always been better down on paper. I think you told me that once.

I didn’t want to leave it until the day to tell you that I was leaving but I didn’t know how to tell you. After everything you’d done for me I didn’t know how to tell you that I was selfish enough to feel that it wasn’t enough. I’ve appreciated everything you’ve ever done for me Lyndsey and I know that I don’t show it often. Not as often as I should but I do. You’ve always been there for me, holding my hand when things got tough and listening to me as I moaned about problems I’ve caused.

You were even kind enough to tell me that I wasn’t to blame for the mess I’m in. But I am. I know I am. I may not be able to help the way I feel but I could have done more. I could have done more to get over Zacky. I could have tried harder to find someone else that I could maybe, one day, fall in love with but for some reason I couldn’t.

And as I write this letter I think I know why.

I think I liked the misery it brought. As strange as that sounds I think it’s true. There’s no other explanation, reasonable or not, that would shed any kind of light on this situation. The misery that I felt every single day gave me something that proved to me that I was in fact alive.

I’m sorry Lyndsey, like I said before I’m sorry for everything. And I’m sorry if I’ve ever hurt you. I never meant to do it intentionally. Hurting you is one of the last things I’d ever want to do.

I don’t deserve to ask of you any favours, but if the guys ask where I am I don’t mind if you tell them. If Hayley asks, which I doubt, but if she does then you can tell her where I am. If Zacky asks...please don’t tell him. I wouldn’t know how to handle him if you weren’t there to save me as you’ve done so many times.

I love you so much Lyndsey and I don’t think I tell you that as much as I should. But I do. And I would understand completely if you never wanted to talk to me again, or see me.

Love you, and I’ll miss you,
Rosie x

Tears ran down my cheeks as I read the letter once more, taking in everything about it. I shook my head and crumpled the letter up in my hand before looking to the door of the living room as a quiet sob escaped me. Brian was at my side like a shot once he’d heard the noise I had made, bundling me up in his arms.

“She’s leaving her place at seven,” he whispered against the top of my head.

I nodded and looked over to the clock before looking back at my husband.

“Give me a few minutes,” I told him and he smiled before pressing his lips to mine quickly and then letting me go.

Rosie’s P.O.V

I chewed my lip and looked over at the clock – 6.55PM. I sighed and looked over at my packed bags, figuring that I needed to get them down to my car and seeing as it didn’t look like Lyndsey was going to come over I might as well do it now. I pushed myself to my feet and opened my front door before turning to grab the first of my bags. When I turned back round I nearly dropped my suitcase on my foot.

“Lyndsey?” I gasped.

She nodded before stepping forward and wrapping her arms around me. I felt her tremble against me and I finally snapped out of my shock. I wrapped my arms around her, feeling my body tremble as I tried my hardest not to cry again. We remained like that for a good while, neither of us saying a word. Just standing there holding on to one another.

“I love you,” Lyndsey muttered against my shoulder.

I bit my lip and closed my eyes as a tear made its way down my cheek.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “For everything.”

Lyndsey pulled away and wiped her cheeks as she looked at me, a small smile on her lips.

“I know...I kind of got that in your letter,” she chuckled and shoved her hands in her pockets. “I’m sorry for making you think that I didn’t want you in my life. ‘Cause I do. I was just...I was frustrated that you hadn’t told me.”

I nodded and swallowed. “I know and I’m sorry, I just didn’t...”

Lyndsey shook her head and waved her hand about as she looked at the clock – 6.58PM.

“You need a ride to the airport?”

I shrugged and looked at my bags. “No, I’m taking my car. I just need to get my stuff...”

“Your car?” Brian asked from my front door. “You’re going to England indefinitely and you were going to leave your car at the airport?”

I rolled my eyes and watched as Lyndsey passed Brian some of my bags.

“No. I was picking Jimmy up on the way and he said he’d drive my car back for me,” I replied.

Lyndsey scoffed. “Please, like we’re going to let that happen. That boy should not be allowed behind the wheel of a car. We’ll take you then I’ll come here and get your car and keep it at ours. I’ll even apartment sit for you whilst you are away.”

I smiled and mouthed a small ‘thanks’ but Lyndsey just waved me off dismissively.

“Come on then. Let’s get you to England,” she grinned before dragging me out of my apartment.