Fake My Smile

I looked up at the apartment block and ran my hand through my hair. I hadn’t felt nervous but standing here, my arms wrapped tightly around me as I tried to ignore the freezing wind that was swirling through the air, I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t know how Rosie would react to seeing me since the last time I saw her hadn’t exactly gone well.

I sighed and hesitantly started walking to the apartment block, thinking that I had come all this way so it would be stupid to turn back now. I shoved my hands in my pockets as I ascended the stairs, trying to dig deep in my memories and remember where Ben lived. Rosie had told me once and I really needed to remember right now since I was in his apartment block. I’d managed to get myself this far but remembering the number of his place was evading me.

I walked along the hallway, my eyes flicking over the numbers and hoped that one of them would seem familiar to me. I chewed my lip before doubling back as a number stood out to me – 15C. I rose my fist my faltered slightly as I went to knock on the door. Though 15C seemed familiar I still wasn’t sure if this was where Ben lived. I mentally shrugged, knowing that if it wasn’t him then the person who lived here might know where Ben lives.

I knocked on the door and shoved my hands in my pockets as I waited for someone to answer. Lyndsey had simply told me England. England is quite a big place but I knew that if anyone would know where Rosie was it would be Ben.

I heard voices coming from inside, including a giggle that I vaguely recognised but I couldn’t for the life of me place it.

“Let me answer the door,” a man laughed.

There was a small whine and then the man laughed again. A few moments later and the door opened to reveal a shocked looking Ben. From the looks of his messy hair and the fact that he was in just jeans, I had a feeling I may have interrupted him. Ben stepped out of his apartment and pulled the door to but didn’t actually close it.

“Hi Zack,” he greeted me quietly and rubbed his hair, as if trying to make it flatter.

I sent him a sheepish smile. “Hey Ben.”

“What are you doing here? You know in England.”

I eyed him slightly. He was acting weird but I couldn’t work out how weird. It seemed as if he was hiding something from me.

“I’m looking for Rosie,” I told him slowly. “I know she’s in England but I don’t know where. I presumed you’d know.”

Ben shook his head quickly. “Haven’t seen or heard from her.”

“Really?” I asked cautiously.

He was lying to me it was obvious. Even more obvious when he quickly nodded. I rolled my eyes and sighed.

“Ben, just tell me where she is.”

This time Ben sighed as he ran a hand through his hair and quickly looked back into his apartment, keeping the door pulled to so I couldn’t see in.

“Look Zack,” he commented. “I don’t think you should go after her. It’s not fair on Rosie.”

“I’m her best friend,” I pointed out and went to say more but Ben cut me off.

“Were,” he stated harshly. “You were her best friend Zack but things change. You hurt her.”

“I know but I want to...”

“Baby? Who’s at the door?”

Ben closed his eyes and groaned slightly in frustration as the door opened more and the person I was looking for appeared from inside the apartment. My eyes widened as I saw Rosie standing there but what shocked me wasn’t that she was here but the fact that she was just wrapped in a sheet, and by the looks of it she wasn’t wearing anything underneath it.

“Holy crap in a bag,” Rosie breathed as she looked at me. “Zacky?”

I nodded and stepped back a little, shoving my hands even further in my pockets.

“Baby, can you give us a couple of minutes please?”

Ben nodded and ducked his head down to press his lips quickly to Rosie’s. She smiled warmly up at him, following him with her eyes as he slipped back into the apartment. Rosie shut the door and leant back against it as she looked at me.

“How did you find me?” She asked quietly.

I shrugged. “Lyndsey told me.”

Rosie nodded and I heard her mutter something but I didn’t catch it. I swallowed and gestured to the apartment.

“Are you and Ben...?”

Rosie smiled brightly and nodded. “Getting there at least. There are still some...things I have to figure out but Ben’s patient and he’s helping me through them.”

I winced slightly at the way Rosie’s voice wavered a little when she said ‘things’.

“Oh,” I muttered and rubbed a hand against the back of my neck. “Well...I, uh...that’s good.”

Rosie nodded and I watched her begin to chew her lip as she tightened the sheet around her. We both let our gazes flicker about the hallway, looking at everything but one another. Silence smothered us but I couldn’t work out what to say. Now with Rosie standing in front of me, all the apologies I’d been thinking about just vanished from my mind. None of my words seemed enough.

“Zacky,” Rosie sighed after a while. “Why are you here?”

My gaze snapped over to Rosie and I let out a breath I didn’t realise I’d been holding.

“I came to apologise,” I admitted. “But it seems pretty redundant.”

Rosie just kept looking at me and I had to admit that she was intimidating me, something I never thought she’d be able to...especially not when all she was wearing was a sheet.

“I know that no amount of words can make up for all the shit that I’ve put you through but I am sorry. I don’t care if you forgive me. You can tell me to fuck off and I will. I just needed you to know that I’m sorry for hurting you and I just hope that you believe me.”

Once again, Rosie just carried on staring at me. She shifted a little and chewed her lip before shaking her head. I felt everything in me deflate at that point. Every nerve in my body sparked with defeat and I nodded, shoving my hands back in my pockets.

“I just wanted you to know,” I muttered before turning on my heel and going to walk away.

“Zacky,” Rosie laughed and curled her fingers around my wrist.

I looked at her as if she was insane, the small smile on her lips widening a little as she saw the confusion on my face.

“I didn’t shake my head because I didn’t believe you,” she explained. “I...I’ve known you for twelve years and I know when you’re telling the truth. You’re the world’s shittiest liar.”

This time it was my turn to simply stare.

“I’m not going to tell you to fuck off,” Rosie pointed out as she raised a hand and ran her fingers through my hair. “I believe you. I really do and I forgive you because things aren’t too bad. I’ve spoken to Hayley and we’re fine now and I’ve...I’ve got Ben.”

I nodded dumbly and caught her hand in mine. “I really am sorry about everything.”

“I know,” she whispered before looking over to the apartment and then looking back at me. “How long are you here for?”

I shrugged. “All depended on how this moment worked out. But I am booked onto a flight in the morning.”

Rosie smiled and nodded. “Give me two seconds and let me get changed, then we can go for a walk okay?”

I nodded and followed Rosie into Ben’s apartment. She smiled over at Ben and leant down to kiss him gently. I watched as Ben rose his hand and ran it through her hair as they kissed before she pulled away.

“Zacky and I are gonna go out for a bit, just for a walk.”

Ben flicked his gaze over to me before nodding as he looked back at Rosie. She smiled and then went through to where I presumed his bedroom was. I sighed and shoved my hands back in my pockets, hoping that I would be able to get through today without screwing up.

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My hands were still shoved deep in my pockets as Rosie and I walked silently around Hyde Park. We’d been walking for quite a while now, having moved far from Leicester Square where Ben lives and walking through St. James’ Park. We must have been walking for a good hour and hardly a word had been spoken between us. I didn’t want to be the one to break the silence because recently I couldn’t say anything right to Rosie, and today I’d been doing well. I didn’t want to break that streak.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Rosie remarked as she smiled up at me.

I smiled back and shrugged. “I’m terrified at the moment, that’s why.”

Rosie’s brow furrowed as she slowly stopped walking and looked at me.

“Why?”

“I’m scared that I’m going to say something stupid and lose you again,” I admitted in all honesty.

Rosie chuckled and nudged me, her voice soft and her smile warm as she spoke.

“I’m still here Zacky,” she commented. “After twelve years, I’m still here.”

“I know but...”

“But you’ve treated me like shit recently?” She questioned and my face fell as I nodded. “Zacky, look at me.”

I let my gaze rise as Rosie ran her fingers through my hair.

“These past six months have been hell for me,” Rosie admitted quietly and it was doing nothing to stop the guilt that was ripping through me. “But...I was still there for you. For the past ten years I could have ran to get away from having to see you and Hayley together but I didn’t. I stuck by you two because you two mean the most to me in the whole world. I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t hate you. I did. For a few weeks you took everything from me. My life...my sister...but I’m still here and I’m still breathing. And though it was all only a few weeks ago, I’m healing. You’ve probably got Ben to thank for that.”

I nodded and swallowed. “What does this mean for us though?”

Rosie chuckled and tugged my hair gently at the front.

“You’re Zacky...and I’m Rosie,” she voiced before chewing the side of her lip as she rolled her eyes up to the sky. “What was it Jimmy used to call us? ‘Zee and Zee’. The two Z’s.”

I watched her as she giggled, wondering where she was going with this.

“Zacky, you’re my best friend. You know me better than I know myself sometimes and that’s never going to change.”

“I don’t,” I replied and shook my head. “I don’t know you at all. I thought I did but...you’ve been hurting for so long and I didn’t know.”

Rosie shrugged. “I got good at hiding it. No one knew. Even Lyndsey thought I was okay.”

“You shouldn’t have had to get good at hiding it Rosie,” I sighed and ran my hand down her arm before lacing our fingers together, my other hand brushing over her knuckles.

Rosie ducked her head down so she was looking at me as my gaze was completely focused on our hands.

“Zacky, I chose to do it. I chose to hide my feelings, to never tell you how I felt. If I had told you when we were younger then none of this would have happened. I’m not saying that we’d be together because I don’t know how you felt for me back then. But things would have been different,” Rosie smiled and brought her free hand up, brushing her thumb across my cheek as she spoke. “We can’t change the past Zacky. As much as I wish we could sometimes we can’t. We just have to live with what’s happened and roll with the punches.”

I nodded and blinked a few times as I looked at Rosie properly, making her bring her head back up.

“I’m sorry Rosie,” I told her again.

“I know,” she replied softly. “So am I. I’m sorry things worked out this way and I’m sorry that things aren’t the same between you and Hayley but...”

My heart stung a bit as she mentioned Hayley. I missed her so much that it hurt and it hurt worse knowing that I was the cause of her leaving.

“I reckon with time you two will get back together. It might take a while and it’ll take a lot of work on your behalf but,” Rosie nodded with a smile. “I have faith that it’ll work out. You two were made for each other.”

I shrugged and swallowed. “We’ll see. I’m really happy for you.”

Rosie rose an eyebrow as we began to walk again. “What do you mean?”

“Your smile in the last few months had lost it’s life,” I explained. “I was paying enough attention to realise that though I’d never really understood why. I thought that you’d tell me what was wrong and, as selfish as it sounds, I was so wrapped up with the wedding and stuff that I never got round to asking but...now. Just in few hours that I’ve been with you today I can see that you’ve got your happiness back...Ben makes you happy and I’m so happy for you Zee because you deserve nothing but happiness and I’m so sorry that I took it away from you in the last few months.”

Rosie curled her arm around one of mine as we walked. “Thank you Zacky. I really appreciate you coming over here to see me...and not waiting for me to come home or doing it over the phone. It took balls to come here...thank you.”

I smiled and shrugged a little. “Out of interest, when are you coming home?”

Rosie chewed at her lip and looked up at me, slowing us down so we had stopped walking once more.

“You want the honest answer?”

I nodded a little wary.

“I don’t know,” she replied and shoved her hands deep in her jacket pockets. “I left America indefinitely. My tickets open so I can come home whenever I want to but at the moment...”

“You want to stay with Ben,” I finished for her.

Rosie smiled. “I really do. I don’t want to leave all of you and I don’t want to let you guys down by having to leave my job but...I want to make things work with Ben and I can’t do that if I’m in America.”

I smiled warmly and nodded. “I understand that. You know that I support you whatever you do, though if you stay away too long I may have to kidnap you.”

Rosie chuckled before leaning up on her tiptoes and wrapping her arms around my neck.

“I love you Zacky,” she whispered and kissed the side of my head.

“I love you too Rosie,” I replied quietly and squeezed her to me. “And I promise that I’ll try my hardest not to fuck up again.”

Rosie laughed and pulled away as she poked me in the forehead.

“You better Mister, or I’ll give you a bruise like I did when we were on tour.”

I chuckled. “Which one? The one from your book or the one from your punch?”

Rosie shrugged with a teasing grin. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”

“I don’t plan to.”

“Good,” she giggled before jogging away from me and over to a man selling hot drinks.

As I watched Rosie talk to him, my feet slowly taking me to join her, I couldn’t help but feel unbelievable lucky that she had forgiven me and let me back in her life. Though the rest of my personal life was somewhat up in the air, I was happy that I had one familiar thing for me to rely on. And I’d be damned if I’d ruin it again.