Just Jenny!

The party was amazing, just like old times if not better. But now all the other guests have gone, the boys are asleep, and I’m sitting on the floor leaning against Kevin’s bed, with my back to the door, waiting for him to return with the coffee he promised.

Here I am, sitting in front of his window which opens up to an extraordinary view….and allI can think about is how we’re really going to fix this? Do we go on being friends, never mentioning a chemistry I think has the potential to be more than just platonic? Always wondering what if? Or do we risk it with the likelihood of breaking up soon….or at least eventually? Oh, my gosh! Listen to me! What I should be worrying about is my giftwhich I have yet to give him, not pretending he’d ever agree to a relationship with me!

“Scored us some candy corn.” I heard from my right, as Kevin handed me a large coffee mug having already set the coffee pot on the floor in front of us along with a bag of white, yellow and orange candy.

“Cool, thank you. I didn’t hear you come in.” I smiled coming out of my daze.

“Yeah, I noticed. Where wereyou?” he asked concerned.

“Thinking about your present.” I smirked reaching into my purse and handing him a small box.

“I thought you coming here, wasmy gift?” he asked perplexed, while still eyeing the box.

“Nope, you get older you get a gift. It’s the rule!” I grinned.

I broke Kevin Jonas…I’m going down in history as the girl who forced nine year old Frankie to learn the guitar, in order to replace his oldest brother whom has now become a statue! He’s just sitting there, staringat it! He hasn’t even pulled it out of the box, he opened it, his eyes bugged out, and here we are. Maybe I should wake Frankie, he’ll need the extra practice time.

“Are you proposing?” WHAT!?!?! Ouch, that candy corn went the wrong way.

“No, I just…I know you always wear a ring on the same finger, but I noticed it’s not always the samering. And, yeah I know it’s a little weird, but the center band in this is made out of espresso wood…” I started a million miles a minute, trust me, all that caffeine plus panic equal no breathing between words, which might be why he cut me off.

“You got me a coffee ring?” he asked…grinning?

“Well, yeah.” I shrugged.

“I love it!” Oh, thank goodness!

Okay, now the silence is officiallygetting awkward. No really, my ears hurtfrom how loudthis silence is actually getting! On the up side, it’s officially not Kevin’s birthday anymore so the conversation we’ll eventually have can no longer ruin it! Just as I was about to start pulling my own hair out (or throwing candy at the side of Kevin’s head), his voice broke the silence.

“What happenedto us?” he asked still looking down, and running a hand through his unruly hair, making me seriously contemplate what shampoo he’s been using. On the one hand, he has amazing hair; on the other is this finger running thing a nervous habit or an allergic reaction? Inquiring minds need to know!

“We had an argument.” Thank you captain obvious! Judging by Kevin’s sigh he agrees.

“But we neverargued before.” He practically whined looking at me with those impossible hazel eyes, earning him a slight eyebrow raise. “Not about anything important.” He amended tossing a candy corn into my coffee cup.

“I knowhon, but maybe we were long overdue?” sigh, “either way, I was out of line, I have no say in your love life.” I managed to say finally taking a sip of my candy corn coffee, more as a means of distraction than a caffeine/ sugar fix.

“Maybe we were over due, but Jen…I’ve been taking your advice on my love life since day one, warranted or not, you’ve yet to steer me wrong.” His turn to sigh, “I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I’m so sorry, I was just hurtand…”

“right.” I cut him off gripping that poor coffee cup for dear life.

“What?” I can feel his gaze on me. I can do this, just open your eyes and look into his.

“I was…amscared. And realistically…I couldend up alone for the rest of my life.” Or open your eyes and stare at the coffee cup…that works too. “I’d never want you to end up like me Kev, you’re better than this.” I finished finally looking him in the eye. “So, mostly…you were right.” Okay, I’m not sure if he looks hurt or madas he lets out a strangled sigh. What’d I do now? I just agreed with him….sort of.

“Don’t say that.” He practically growled shifting his position, so the candy corn was now on his right, while my right hand sits a mere centimeter from his left thigh, where my eyes are now fixed. “You’re allowedto be scared,” he starts, tilting his head so he can catch my eye “but no matter what jerks come along, you’re stuck with me…or at least my family.” He smirks, nudging my shoulder.

The silence after that was slightlyless awkward, each of us lost in thought. Well trying desperately notto think in my case, as I like the idea of things going back to normal if it means I can avoid any particularly uncomfortable issues. As luck would have it though, wonder boy over here’s been thinking more than enough for the both of us.

“I could neverhurt you.” He stated with a defeated look upon his face, breaking my heart.

“I know.” I whispered my heart, broken or not, pounding.

“Do you?” he asked before looking down and fiddling with his ring. “I saw the look you gave me that night. It took me a while to decipher I’ll give you that, but once I did…” he paused exhaling, “Jen, you were terrified…of me.” And that right there, the pain, frustration, and confusion in his voice, his whole demeanor is what makes me rethink any possible romantic involvement with him. He deserves so much better, not to feel so miserable over a damaged girl.

“Yes. Yes, I know you’d never even thinkof hurting me. I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t fix things, but I’m so, sosorry. Yes I was scared….okay more than simply scared. But it was only a fraction of a second and not of you…and, and…”Breathe. I have to get through this sentence, with dry eyes…and no paper bags!

I felt Kevin’s arms wrap around me, causing my body to instinctively tense up. Closing my eyes, I slowly returned the embrace allowing myself to relax, grateful for his patience.

“It’s okay.” He whispered into my hair.

“No, it’s not. Look at me, still shuddering at human contact when I’m upset. And that night…for a second, when we were in the thick of it…I wasterrified; scared, because of something that happened over a year ago.” I said just as quietly, resting my head on his chest trying to hide the tear rolling down my cheek. “Even if I want to move on, I’m not sure I’d want to subject any decentguy to all this.” I tried to laugh.

“I think It’s up to the guyto decide if you’re too much for him.” He chuckled kissing my temple, and sending shivers down my spine.