I Saw Her Standing There

Has your world ever stopped?

Have you ever felt like the biggest fuck up in the world?

Ever let everyone down, or at least felt like you had?

As level results suck, they suck more than fucking whores do; anybody could tell how pissed off I was.

“You got an A in geography,” Padge smiled, he was trying to be supportive. I was sat on the sofa, tears had been streaming down my cheeks, Padge was sat behind me hugging me tightly and muttering comforting phrases.

“That's good,” I smiled as Padge nodded in agreement. “But this is less good!” I whined pointing at the rest of the grades.

“That's good,” He stated pointing at music, C.

“Kinda,” I muttered with a little nod. “But,” I pointed at English and Maths.

“Okay so there kinda low, but it's still a pass,”

“Padge that's a E and a D!” I raised my voice.

“Hey I got two C's and a D,” He laughed pulling me back into him, his lips pressed against my temple. “You know your still the most intelligent girl I know, and the most beautiful,” His hands closed up the results slip. “That's gotta count for something,”

“It does,” I whispered biting my lip, I was still completed gutted by these results, though I guess I should have expected it. I should have worked harder, done more revision, focused on the exams more, and I should have stuck to revision not spent hours with Padge.

“I love you baby, these grades are amazing do you understand that?” He muttered pulling me into his body and hugging me tightly. I half shrugged making us both chuckle but it was a bit empty hearted. “You are the most amazing women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, you are beautiful and intelligent you remember that okay?” I nodded leaning my head on his shoulders and his fingers skimmed through my hair. His lips every so often pressed a soft kiss against the top of my head.

WE seemed to sit there for a good while, just the two of us, in silence and it was kind of good to know he still loved me even if I hated myself. I guess that's what boyfriends are for, well the real good ones at least.

“RHIAN!”

“Oh god,” I whispered realising Niki and Taylor would be round to find out how I did. Padge sighed kissing my forehead.

“It had to happen sometime!” He chuckled squeezing my hadn before letting go.I slowly got up to open the front door.

“Don't leave us in suspense how did you do?” Was the first sentence to slip past Niki's lips.

“Awful,” I sighed, both girls looked at me before laughing.

“And the truth?” Taylor questioned.

“A, C, D and an E,”

“They're all pass grades!” Niki squealed excitedly hugging me tightly and jumping around. At least there was that positive side. “And you can drop one right? So what did you get the E in?”

“Maths,” I mumbled.

“After we did all that work?” Taylor questioned, there was always going to be someone I disappointed, she quickly smiled at me though.

“At least you don't have to do another maths paper ever again!” Niki added, I'd liked how at least one out of the pair was positive but was slightly surprised it was Niki. I mean Niki hated me, or usually hated me.
“So Paget! You choose the genius, nice one,” She called walking off to find Padge, I stood their awkwardly looking at Taylor.

“I'm sorry,”

“Hey not your fault,” She chuckled. “I'm glad you did good, Niki's right at least it's a pass, I just thought-” She paused obviously deciding whether to speak, usually she spoke her mind, but it was as if she wasn't sure. “I thought you would have wanted better,”

“I did,” I admitted leaning back on the wall, the sigh escaped my lips was the realisation that I really had failed, I had let myself and everyone else down; these grades weren't something to be proud of. Okay maybe a A in geography was.

“What happened?”

“I guess I didn't come through on the day, I fucked up,” Taylor nodded, her hazel eyes running across my face, she had something else to say. “What do you think?” I pressed.

“It's not my place to say,”

“But you're going to say it anyway, we all know you don't keep stuff to yourself,” My words were almost bitchy and bitter, they made Taylor look at me and I noticed the roll of the eyes and the shake of the head; I knew Taylor and Niki still thought I was a child, they were right.

“You know what Rhian, you're mature I'll give you that, but you don't use your brain love,” She sighed looking at me. “You've got it all and you turned it down for that guy in there, he's got somewhere in his life, what are you planning on being? A groupie?” I bit my lip; Taylor knew how to be honest. “Because love if you fuck up that's what you are gonna end up being, living the fairy tale will only get you so far,”

“Hey you two-” Padge paused as he looked between Taylor and I.

“Just having a heart to heart,” Taylor muttered. “Wake up love before it's too late, get out of the dream,” I noticed her gaze fell on Padge before walking into the living room where I presumed Niki was still sitting.

“What's wrong?” Padge questioned his eyes meeting with mine. “Babe you alright?” I nodded.

“I need to go and see Sarah,” I whispered moving away as Padge went to take my hand.

“Rhian what's wrong?” The concern was written over his face, he grabbed my hand this time pulling me into him.

“I just need to get out,” I sighed into his chest.

“I love you, remember that okay?” He hugged me tightly, kissing my forehead lightly, waiting for me to look up. “You are the most beautiful, and most intelligent girl I have ever met,”

“I love you too,” The reply wasn't as honest as it could have been; I always said I loved Padge, but right now he was the last thing on my mind. It was a horrible thought to have floating around my head; I didn't love him? It just wasn't right; he was my world.

“Phone me if you want a lift or anything?” Padge gazed down at me, twisting random strands of my hair around his fingers, waiting for me to answer.

“Okay, I don't know what I'm gonna do tonight,” I had been staying at Padge's most nights in the summer, mainly because these 6 weeks off meant I had nothing to do so I spent more time with Padge. Padge was silent as I spoke, his hazy eyes gazing over me, listening to every word intently.

“Just let me know yeah?” I nodded biting down on my lip again. “And stop doing that,” Padge's finger tips ran across my bottom lip. “It's bleed,” He muttered like some parent telling off a child; was that what our relationship was turning into?

Oh my god! I had to stop thinking like that it was going to drive me mad. I pushed the thoughts out of my mind, Padge's lips pressed against mine softly.

“Catch you later,” Padge smiled, I nodded pecking his lips again before letting go of him. I grabbed my bag and left the house quickly. I knew Niki and Taylor would be asking a million and one questions now.

I walked down the familiar roads, through the high street, across the park and to the back of a set of houses. I seemed to be spending a lot less time at my house, after Padge's, Sarah's house was my next home and I knew the route to hers all to well. I crossed the road and straight down the ally way. Turn left at the ally way and two doors down was Sarah's house. A town house, with three stories, flowers over took both front and back garden with a little blue just visible.

“Just a minute!” I heard shouted through the house as I rung the door bell again. There was a loud bang, something hit the floor and then the door swung open. “Fuck,”

“Hey,”

“Come in!” Sarah smiled opening the door a little wider and letting me walk through.

“Is this a bad time?” I noticed her half dressed state and wondered if I'd interrupted her and Jason.

“No, no not at all I was just making cookies and now it's a bit messy,”

“Oh,” I nodded following her through to the kitchen where it was indeed a bit messy. Actually it was a lot messy. “Cookie?” She questioned pointing towards a tray full of cookies.

“Umm thanks,” I smiled sitting down on chair and picking one of the many cookies up. “Why do you have so many cookies?”

“It's our 4 month anniversary so we're making each other gifts, I'm making him cookies, but they have to be perfect!” She explained as if that was the most obvious thing in the world ever!

“I see,” I took a bite of the cookie and was mildly surprised they were actually edible. “These ones are nice!”

“Yeah they had the animal fat in,” She smirked as my eyes went wide. “Padge is right, that is so much fun!”

“Love you too,” I mumbled bitterly carrying on chewing the cookie.

“So ducky,” She smiled raising her eyebrows. “How did ya do?”

“Crap!”

“Oh,” She paused putting the cookies down and walking over. “How crap are we talking?”

“A, C, D, and E,”

“There all passes!” She clapped excitedly, launching herself at me and hugging me tightly, and that was when I finally broke down. “Rhian? Ducky?” She whispered still holding onto me.

“I fucked up,”

“Oh, you so didn't, Rhian you passed what more did you want?”

“Sarah I got a D and an E, I just gave in last term, I failed so badly,” I mumbled finally letting go of her. “I shouldn't have failed! How can I have let this happen!” I groaned resting my head on the table.

“Ducky, it doesn't matter that much we've got re-sits,”

“Everyone keeps saying that, but it's not the point, well it is but,”

“Sarah I don't get D grades! Or even E grades! I'm fucked!” Sarah sighed moving back to her seat and picking another cookie up. “I can't believe I tried hard and failed,”

“You really believe that?” She questioned.

“What are you going getting at?”

“Sweetie you've had a lot this year, family, music, new college, the accident, and Padge,” Sarah's lips twitched into a small smile before it fell again. “Do you think you just had to much to take on?”

“Yeah probably,” I gazed up and chewed on my lip. “What do I do?”

“Take some stuff out of your life?” She questioned.

“Maybe. Like what?” I sighed thinking about what had taken up most of my time last year. “I can't I love him too much, he got me through everything,”

“Okay, not Padge, he seems to be the one slightly stable element in your life then!” Sarah folded her hands together and rested her elbows on the table to prop her head up. “You can't really give up college, or family! I mean the accident, you're dad is on the road to recovery, so that's gonna go,”

“True, and I really don't wanna give my music up,” I sighed running my fingers through my hair. “I just, fuck I need to sort myself out,” Sarah nodded in agreement handing me another cookie. “Thanks, ya know I won't have to worry about Padge, if you keep feeding me cookies he'll dump me!” Sarah smiled innocently gazing up as the door bell rang.

“Be right back ducky!” I just smiled taking a bite of the cookie and gazing up at the clock, I should probably get going I'd been at Sarah's for a while now. “Hey you!”

“Hey you free?”

“Kinda, Rhian's round, but ya can come in if ya want love,”

“You sure?” I heard him ask her, it had to be JB because had the American accent that matched Raychel's.

“It's okay I'm gonna get going!” I called out standing up slowly and hearing Sarah mutter something.

“Seriously you don't have to ducky!”

“No, no I should get back, I kinda need some time out,” I smiled at her, my eyes fell on JB; I'd only met him a few times and didn't know him that well, but he treated Sarah right so it was all fine.

“You sure ducky? I mean you can hang if you want,”

“I'll be okay! And I should probably go and talk to Padge!” I smiled walking towards the door. “I'll see you later- oh,” I paused suddenly it clicked. “Fuck I never asked how you did in your exams?”

“A, three B's,”

“Ahh! Love that's awesome!” I congratulated her but I wasn't alone JB let out a small gasp and jumped at her, Sarah's laughter ensued and that was my cue to leave. “Well done you, I'll catch you later!”

“Bye ducky! And you did awesome as well!” She called as I heard the door close behind me and I trundled off back to Padge's house. I was starting to feel slightly better about myself, I mean yeah the grades weren't great but I could improve if I tried hard enough. It was only as levels, it wasn't the end of the world, I really needed to remember that. I smiled to myself taking a deep breath in and letting the cold welsh air wash over me. I needed to remember it was only one set back, it wasn't that bad.

Worst things could happen.

“Babe is that you?” Padge shouted through the house as I closed the back door behind me and walked through the kitchen.

“Yeah sorry I got a bit caught up with Sarah, I can-” I paused as Padge appeared in the kitchen running his hands through his long hair. “Padge you alright?”

“No,” HE shock his head, one of his large hands clasped my shoulder and he guided me through to the living room.

“Padge what's going on?” His hand pushed on my shoulder indicating for me to sit down on the sofa. Padge didn't take a seat though he paced the the length of the rug that covered the wooden floor. “Padge is this about the guys? Or the girls? Are you going on tour? Oh god is it my dad?!”

“Rhian!” He raised his voice making me instantly fall silent. “Sorry,” He half whispered but finally stopped pacing and stood straight in front of me. His misty blue eyes fell to mine, scanning my face before kneeling down in front of me.

“Padge?” I questioned as his hands linked with mine.

“Babe we have to talk,” I really didn't like the sound of this, anyone looking at this scene with the sound muted would be thinking this would followed by times of happiness, with Padge kneeling in front of me but they were so wrong. With the sound on, you could hear the tone of his voice. “I think, I think that we-” He groaned. “We shouldn't,” He stopped again changing his wording a few times. Words and phrases such as it's time to or It's not you kept passing his lips but the sentences never got any further he never made a full sentence out of these words. “Maybe it's time, Fuck, we shouldn't because I'm, fuck it,” He finally sighed and gazed up at me; I'd never seen his eyes like that, so grey and full of sorrow, it sounded cliché but it was true it hurt to seem him like this. “Rhian I love you,” He whispered holding letting go of my hand. “I love you so much that I don't want to see you fail baby, and that is why we shouldn't be together, I think you should leave,”

“Wha-wh-” I couldn't even formulate words at that point in time, nothing really worked for me. I'd spent the whole day saying Padge was the last thing I wanted out of my life and now he was making that decision for me.

“Don't make this harder,” He muttered, almost bitterly, that honestly hurt.

“Harder?” My speech wasn't even audible. “I'm sorry, I thought you were making it hard,”

“Rhian don't do this,” He walked away from me going towards a glass of water that was sat on the side. “Be mature about this,”

“Mature?” I nearly screamed at him.

“Mature,” He repeated turning on me. “You've been it so far, you must see how this isn't working!”

“No! Of course I can't freaking see, because I'm stupidly in love with you! And now you're breaking up with me! Rational thinking and seeing straight isn't part of it!” I rambled now starting to sound hysterical.

“Look I just think you should go home, I can take you if ya want,” I shock my head. “Rhian you're still a child, you've got a lot of work to do and....” He continued but I wasn't listening because he had just called me a child. Padge had called me a child, the man who stated he loved me and thought I was the most amazing women he'd ever been with, the man who said our age never mattered; he had just called me a child.

“I can't believe you,” I whispered standing up slowly, his eyes ran down my body and I instantly felt the need to cover up. I pulled my arms across my chest and bit my lip. “You, just, I can't understand, I just why?” I was talking utter rubbish but I was lost for words, he'd hurt me. No it went beyond hurt.

“Rhian today proved it,” He sighed going to move closer but I backed away.

“Proved what? That I fucked up a few exams!”

“No it's more than that!” He snapped at me. “There's more going on and when something goes wrong you don't fucking tell me you back away!”

“I bloody don't!”

“You were pregnant!” He shouted at me. “Yeah I know,” He snarled at me. “And you didn't even have the sense to tell me, you're still some immature school girl, you can't cope with this!” And there it was, there was what Padge honestly thought of me.

Fuck the truth hurts.