If You Say Goodbye Today

As I returned to consciousness, I was immediately aware of only one thing – pain.
I generally ached all over, I realized, but the worst was my left leg. I gave a half-hearted attempt to move it, but the restrictions thwarted my attempt, and even the slightest of movement resulted in shooting pains that were some of the worst I had ever felt in my life.

After I seemed to get over that initial pain, I was aware of sounds. The beeps of the monitors and machines that were connected to my body in a life-or-death manner, and the sound of sniffling – someone crying .

Judging by the volume, I could tell the person crying wasn’t too far away from me, a few feet at most. I had a gut feeling that the upset person meant a lot to me and I wanted so badly to reach out and comfort that person, to tell them not to be sad. I gave a few feeble attempts at reaching out, but I just couldn’t manage enough strength to make the gesture. After a moment of attempting and reattempting to move (to no avail), the person began talking through their sniffles. I had to listen in.

“This is all my fault,” the voice started. “I’ve lost you for good now...what have I done?” These words and the sobs that followed them had sounded slightly muffled, as though the person was hiding their face in their hands. The voice continued despite this, and I continued to listen intently.

“If only I’d been strong enough to stop what I was doing...none of this would have happened!” The person sniffed indignantly, signaling anger. “You’d be at home with me right now, not in this God damned hospital bed, and we’d be happy again! I know I fucked up...oh, I fucked up big time...I should be there instead of you Frankie...” the voice trailed off slightly; more sobbing. “But all I know is that I love you more than anything, Frank Iero. I need you. You are the only thing that means anything to me...anything. Not the drugs, or the booze, or anything else, only you. If I lose you, I’ll...fuck, I don’t know what I’ll do...”

This seemed to signal the end of my visitor’s speech, and they were given to the sobs and crying again. It was heartbreaking hearing all these words, but they were interesting words to hear, and I lie there silently processing it all.

Suddenly, a hand rested on my immobile one at the edge of the bed. Immediate senses of warmth and softness filled me from just this simple gesture. It took everything in me not to jump and give my position away from the contact.

I could tell now more than ever that this person meant more than just a lot to me. From the simple contact, I knew I was meant to spend my life with whoever this stranger turned out to be. The hand that enclosed mine lifted my own and laced our fingers together in the most innocent way, and stroked my knuckles with their thumb. It was one of the most comforting gestures I’d ever felt. The motion continued along with the person’s sniffles.

“Please, Frank, don’t leave me,” a voice whispered pleadingly. I knew I didn't want to. I knew I never would, never could. Why put it on myself to avoid this any longer?

I decided to open my eyes at that moment and softly reply:

“Never, Gerard.”