If You Say Goodbye Today

I pulled onto the gravel driveway in front of Mikey's house, and came to a stop. I hadn't called him to let him know I was coming or anything. I didn't even know if he was home. I exited my car, and made my way up the path to the door. I knocked three times, and waited patiently for someone to answer.

The door latch was unlocked, and the door swung open, revealing Mikey behind it. He smiled for a second, but when he realized who it was, his smile faltered.

"What...?" I asked tentatively. I eyed his expression as it changed from worry...to confusion...to uncertainty...and back again. Finally he shook his head.

"Oh, nothing. I just wasn't expecting you." He glanced around shiftily.

"Uh, did I come at a bad time?" I started to back away.

"No, no. Um...come in..." He moved sideways, opening the door wider for me. I stepped inside and he shut the door. We made our way back to the kitchen where the first person I saw was Mikey's wife, Alicia, sitting at the table drinking a bottle of water, talking to someone across from her. I look to see who the other person was, and I suddenly stopped, all the wind having mysteriously blown out of me. She'd been talking to Frank.

At that moment, he glanced back at me, and at first, I don't think he realized who I was. But on a double glance, his face sort of fell, and he was suddenly really quiet.

"Hi Gerard." He mumbled.

When I finally got the air back in my lungs, I struggled out a "Hi Frank."

"Well, I guess I'd better be going..." He stood and rushed past me, and out of the house before I could say another word.

I made my way to the table and sat down in a chair before I collapsed.

"Sorry Gerard..." Mikey looked at me sympathetically.

"Yeah...so I guess you know what happened..." I stared down at my hands.

"Yes, we do." Alicia spoke, giving me a sympathetic look.

"I didn't think it would really bother either of you..." Mikey informed me sullenly.

"Mikes, don't worry about it. It's just too early. I fucked up big time and I need to fix it." Tears threatened my eyes.

"Why'd you come over, Gerard?" Mikey asked, sitting down next to me, and patting my shoulder.

"I guess I just wanted to talk about what happened...but it doesn't matter now, you know." I sighed. I glanced up at him and Alicia. They were such a happy couple...

"Frank came to talk too. He didn't want to leave, Gerard. But he can't handle you like that all the time, drunk or high or both or just whatever. And he shouldn't have to." There was truth in Mikey's words. Frank should not have to deal with my shit all the time...but I didn't know what to do about it...

"I know that. But I don't know how to fix it...I don't know how to make it better..." I told him, and looked at him, pleading with my eyes.

"Well, you're sober today. Try to keep it that way. Don't go out, just stay home tonight. Give Frank time. I'm sure he'll come around. But it's not just going to be Frank who needs to play a part in this, Gerard. I know you love Frank, and you'll do anything to keep him around, so just try your hardest to stop doing this. Ray, Bob, Alicia and I are all here for you too. We've been worried about you for months, and it's good to finally just talk to you sober. I just wish it wasn't under these circumstances..." He looked down too.

"I know, Mikes. I'm so sorry..." I brought my hands up to cover my face. This was just too much...

"Don't worry, Gerard. It'll be okay. Why don't you go home now and take a nap? Let things work themselves out. Just call me if you need me, okay?" I nodded and sniffed, trying to hold back the flood of tears. I stood, and hugged Mikey when he stood with me. He walked me out to my car and made sure I'd be okay to drive home. I told him yeah, and started the engine, waving as I backed out of the driveway.

I had a lot of thinking to do...