If You Say Goodbye Today

Waiting is the hardest part of anything. Everyone knows that. When you hear a song on the radio you like, you have to wait to hear it again. When you go to an amusement park, you have to wait in line to get on your favorite rollercoaster. When your boyfriend is lying on the couch unconscience, and it's your fault, you have to wait for him to be okay again.

I currently sat in an armchair, my nerves wrung from waiting, fearing that I was really close to slipping into a catatonic state. I glanced around, my eyes wide, then returned them to the wall straight ahead where I'd been staring for three hours now. Maybe I was just tired. Maybe I was sick. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and overdramatic. At that point, I had no idea.

My mind suddenly retrogressed, and decided to play a memory of mine...the one where Gerard and I had first gotten together...

"Ray..." I said tentatively "What the hell are you talking about?"

Ray shot a sharp glance toward me that readstop being stupid and leaned back in his chair. "You know you like Gerard, Frank. It's obviously." He smiled. "I did some snooping and found out that he likes you too. Now there's literally nothing to it...but to do it!" He burst out laughing, and I couldn't help but chuckle. That was bad.

"Thanks, Ray," I said, standing from my seat and mentally preparing myself. "I feel so much better now." I rolled my eyes. He laughed some more.

"No...problem...man!" He replied through chuckles. I shook my head and exited the room in high spirits and ready to take a chance. I navigated through the halls of the venue we'd played at that night, coming upon random people and asking if they'd seen Gerard. Bob was the only one who could give me an answer. "Bathroom."

I made a beeline for the bathrooms then and stopped outside the door for one more metal pep-talk. Once I worked up the courage to push the bathroom door open, I stepped through the door and walked straight into Gerard, the force of his frame knocking me backwards onto my ass with an "Oof."

Gerard glanced down and his eyes widened when he realized it was me. "Sorry Frank!" He offered his hand out to me to help me up and I gratefully took it.

"It's fine." I laughed, using his arm as an aid to get back up.

"Well I guess I'll see you later..." He said reaching for the door handle.

"Uh, Gerard, wait. I actually came in here to tell you something..." I hesitated as he looked at me expectantly, my heart going a million miles per-hour. "Um...I...sort of..."

"Sort of what, Frank?" He looked at me with an amused look in his eyes.

"Like you?" It came out as more of a question than an answer. But oh well, I didn't care. It was out. It felt as though a weight had been lifted off me, but another one-fear of rejection-had quickly replaced it. And it didn't help that he was staring at me like that...

Suddenly, he smiled, and released the door handle from his grasp, taking a slight step closer to me. This made it so that we were about three inches apart. Was he going to slap me?

Then, on a whim, so fast I didn't even realize it happened, his lips---

The scene changed then. From that one blissful moment...to a different image...one where the moment wasn't so blissful...

"Frank, why can't you just let me do what I want?!" He yelled in frustration, his eyes flaring intoxicatedly as he struggled to stand.

"What do you mean 'why can't I let you do what you want'?!" I screeched back. "Because you come home like this, that's why!" I inched more towards the door.

"And what exactly is wrong with the way I am right now? I'm sorry I can't be perfect for you Frank, but it's my life, I can do what I want." He said, turning on his heel, almost falling, and heading for the bedroom.

"Okay. Okay, Gerard, you do what you want. But when you're lying in the gutter somewhere, drunk and about to pass out because you can't remember your own name because of what you do, don't call me!" I threw the door open, but that was a lost cause because I just slammed it closed again.

Once I was outside, I collapsed onto my knees. The tears flowed from my eyes and it became hard for me to breathe. The next thing I remember was the sound of me slamming my car door, reaching for the ignition, but unable to start the engine from the lack of keys there. "Shit." I muttered, opening the car door again, and gently standing on my legs, not trusting them to hold me.

Somehow they did, and I made my way back into the house, grabbing my keys. Gerard was passed out in his room, so I left him a note and my key to the house.

My eyes stung, the salt water fogging my vision. Couldn't he see that him going out and not coming home until four in the morning, drunk or stoned, but usually both killed me inside? Couldn't he see that I would do anything for him, die for him even? As long as he didn't die first...

And that's when he woke up...